Did I overreact by cancelling this Xmas date?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just wanted some advice. I've been out of the dating game for quite some time and really don't know if I am overreacting!

I am 31 years old, first time using dating apps.

I arranged to go on a date with a guy from Tinder on 29th December.

We had been chatting on Tinder for a while and then exchanged numbers. My WhatsApp profile photo can only be seen by my contacts due to privacy settings. When he whatsapped me, I saved his number.

My what's app photo is me on holiday in a bikini but it is not in the slightest a raunchy photo, (I'm sitting down, so no bum hanging out and no visible cleavage etc)

Also, I actually showed my elderly grandmother the photo when showing her my holiday snaps, so it's pretty PG.

Anyway this guy said to me 'well you can't be all innocent with a photo like that, you look amazing btw'

I said it's just a holiday photo etc, and he said 'so you are telling me you are innocent then'

I asked him what he meant and he said he is trying to draw out a response from me etc

I said thanks for saving me the bother and showing me what you are looking for, I don't do casual etc and he said ' I wasn't suggesting casual' and that he is looking to date etc.

So I did agree initially to go on a date on 29th Dec, but what he has said has irritated me a bit. Why even ask am I innocent etc?

I have been thinking about it and Due to that comment I have now cancelled that date, I am genuinely going out with friends now instead and told him I'm going out now.

He has asked for another date though and I'm not sure what to do.

I've been out of the game for a while, never done OLD before. The last person I dated was introduced to me by a friend. I'm just wondering am I being hyper vigilant / too sensitive and looking for problems were there aren't any.

Advice much appreciated on a slightly hungover Boxing Day!

Bit rich to be calling PPs pearl clutchers when you can't handle a bit of flirting which is what he was trying to do

You never need a reason to cancel a date - you don't owe anyone your time. He could have been a perfect gentleman, and said something totally innocuous that let you know it'd never work between you - and the result would be the same. There's someone else out there for him who will doubtless be charmed by this sort of response, so cut him loose without guilt.

I would also like to point out that one of this man's Tinder photos is him with his surfboard, and his wetsuit, pulled down I.e. TOPLESS. I managed to control myself though and not make a comment about it

I have nearly 3000 WhatsApp connections, my job is managing several communities and most have an avatar, a company logo or a pet 🐶 as their picture. I've never seen a personal picture unless it was a wedding photo or a picture of kids so I'm surprised you would use a bikini pic for a professional platform. Unless you have a different number for work if course, but I'm sure you would have mentioned that.

So OP, many women are telling you that your choice of profile picture is questionable. Why don't you listen instead of attacking? Guy is a sleaze but having a bikini picture on WhatsApp is bound to raise eyebrows.

Yeah I think it's odd to use a bikini pic as a profile photo anywhere tbh.
As well as people from Tinder I'm guessing you also interact with work colleagues etc on WhatsApp? It's a bit naive to not expect people to form some sort of judgement even if in an ideal world they really shouldn't.

@Doggymummar - what age are you? You must be quite old if you have never seen a personal photo on WhatsApp? All my friends and relatives and yes work colleagues have personal photos on their WhatsApp. Photos of them in short dresses (scandalous), having a drink, enjoying life etc etc.

My work colleagues and I do not discuss work on WhatsApp. We discuss that only on work platforms. We use WhatsApp to keep in touch with each other outside of work because we are also good friends.

@MissAtomicBomb1 - please read properly. My work colleagues are female and we use what's app to keep in touch outside of work.

So?!
It's not professional is it?

I just had a Quick Look at my WhatsApp and I’d say 90% of my contacts have personal profile photos - holidays mostly. And other than a few work colleagues, we’re all 50+

Even my sister who is a psychotherapist has a photo on holiday wearing a gasp very short dress 😱

But as already said, if he’s an OLD casual sex type, he’d turn the chat sexual the first chance he got when if you were dressed like a nun.

For fucks sake people she can have a photo in a bikini on her WhatsApp if she likes!

His comment proves that his surfing photo was meant to be sexy and suggestive then. Which is fine, some women will be into that from the get go on tinder. You aren't. Throw him back, he's not your type x

Outside of Work

As in socially, I imagine.

No need to look professional for a group of colleagues you are friendly with and chatting to outside of work hours for stuff unrelated to work 🙄

Go with your gut OP.
It may be worth letting him know why you’re walking away. There is so much misogyny growing out there men need to be brought back to reality. Letting him know that it’s inappropriate to judge and label women by their sexual experience. By using the label ‘innocent’ it brings up the awful and unacceptable opposite judgement of sl*t.

@MissAtomicBomb1 - why would I need to be professional towards family and friends?

We say all sorts to each other, they are my family and friends.

You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about a woman in a bikini....odd

This. I work in adult safeguarding, and while the op may not be vulnerable, the general guidance is common sense and should be applied to anyone. As much as Ted likes pointing out that people shouldn’t judge over bikini pics, that’s not how the real world works. There’s a reason why you should only post photos with your clothes on, especially as a profile picture. As you pointed out, people choose the photos they really want other people to see, most of my contacts are usually (nicely) boasting about their kids or pets etc. The only reason why someone would choose a mostly naked pic of themselves is because they want everyone to look at them mostly naked. I’m sure there’s nothing so special happening in that pic that she couldn’t have posted with her clothes on

@SamW98 - oh my goodness, the scandal of a short dress haha, maybe your sister will get struck off by her professional body for daring to wear one 🥴🥴

But she’s only going to listen to that ted person she said. I wonder if that’s a man and he’s the one encouraging women to post their bikini pics 😂

You made the right choice , if it put you off and made you feel uncomfortable then you are right to cancel. It definitely was a bit of a cheeky comment and I'd say sexual. Innocent about what? So you can't take a holiday snap in a bikini without you must be a bit naughty in other words.

I met my now husband OLD 5 years ago and I agree with the previous comments. I messaged and had text conversations with several guys some of which I then went on to meet in person. Even though text can sometimes get lost in translation it was just different with my husband - conversation flowed, no red flags, not struggling for things to ask, was excited to finally meet him. I agree with the poster who said to trust your instincts.

I hate the concept of women being "innocent" and then on the flip side of that being "naughty" etc. It just buys into the whole balance that women are expected to play into - they should want to have sex, but not too much, they should know what to do in bed - but not have slept with many men, they shouldn't be frigid - but they shouldn't want it too much etc etc

Its just mysoginistic bollocks that sits alongside the whole women shouldn't enjoy sex but they should make sure they are available for men to enjoy it

He probably meant it as casual flirting but it would put me right off too

Ew yeah, that would give me the instant ick.

By the way I haven't tested the theory but I'm chatting to a guy and going on a first date with him soon and he'd absolutely avoid making a sleazy comment like that. I'm an OLD veteran and I know how unusual that is OLD so I'm taking it as a hopeful sign! I made an accidental double entendre while texting the other night and many guys would use the opportunity to turn the conversation smutty but he laughed and asked if I'd like to re-word it, and that was that. Honestly, it's refreshing, and sad that this isn't the norm.

@Peoplemakemedespair - multiple people on this thread have agreed with Ted/me.

You sound like you are from the dark ages...only people who don't fully believe in women's rights would chastise someone for wearing a bikini....

Point out the bit where I’ve chastised someone for wearing a bikini?

Any sexual comment before we’ve even met is an immediate block now. Wish I’d learned that earlier in the online dating game!