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Original poster

Did I overreact by cancelling this Xmas date?

120 replies

WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:32

Hi all,

Just wanted some advice. I've been out of the dating game for quite some time and really don't know if I am overreacting!

I am 31 years old, first time using dating apps.

I arranged to go on a date with a guy from Tinder on 29th December.

We had been chatting on Tinder for a while and then exchanged numbers. My WhatsApp profile photo can only be seen by my contacts due to privacy settings. When he whatsapped me, I saved his number.

My what's app photo is me on holiday in a bikini but it is not in the slightest a raunchy photo, (I'm sitting down, so no bum hanging out and no visible cleavage etc)

Also, I actually showed my elderly grandmother the photo when showing her my holiday snaps, so it's pretty PG.

Anyway this guy said to me 'well you can't be all innocent with a photo like that, you look amazing btw'

I said it's just a holiday photo etc, and he said 'so you are telling me you are innocent then'

I asked him what he meant and he said he is trying to draw out a response from me etc

I said thanks for saving me the bother and showing me what you are looking for, I don't do casual etc and he said ' I wasn't suggesting casual' and that he is looking to date etc.

So I did agree initially to go on a date on 29th Dec, but what he has said has irritated me a bit. Why even ask am I innocent etc?

I have been thinking about it and Due to that comment I have now cancelled that date, I am genuinely going out with friends now instead and told him I'm going out now.

He has asked for another date though and I'm not sure what to do.

I've been out of the game for a while, never done OLD before. The last person I dated was introduced to me by a friend. I'm just wondering am I being hyper vigilant / too sensitive and looking for problems were there aren't any.

Advice much appreciated on a slightly hungover Boxing Day!

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 26/12/2023 13:57

I think it depends on the context of previous conversations you both had on Tinder. I personally wudnt take offence on such a statement as he was probably trying to flirt. It does not come across as creepy in any way. Obviously you did not like it, which is fine. You could have just said, I don't understand what you are trying to say, giving him a chance to explain. Still cancelling a date, when you have had good chat so far, seems too much.

User13579367337 · 26/12/2023 13:59

TedMullins · 26/12/2023 13:52

Ignore the pearl clutchers, woman wearing a bikini on holiday is hardly on par with going to the shops in a latex corset. He sounds like a sleaze and I’d have cancelled too. He could’ve just said “you look amazing in that photo” and left it at that, but the weird “innocent” comments suggest he’s a basic misogynist who divides women in his mind into Madonna’s and whores. He couldn’t comprehend that the photo wasn’t done with the male gaze in mind. I doubt this bloke is particularly intelligent or nice.

I’m the opposite of a pearl clutcher. But if I see any man with his top off or a woman in a bikini in a profile picture, my first thoughts are always ‘what a bellend’ and ‘they’re clearly attention seeking’ 🤷🏼‍♀️ what would you think op if his profile picture was him sat in a pair of speedos with his pecs out. Most normal people would be thinking put some bloody clothes on ffs

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 14:00

Aylestone · 26/12/2023 13:53

But why would everyone in your contacts want to see you in a bikini? Of course your nanny is going to say ‘that’s lovely’, she’s hardly going to be thinking anything inappropriate about you. But now you’ve added some strange man off tinder into your contacts, and the first thing he sees is you with most of your clothes off. I’d be surprised if you added any man who is viewing you as a potential partner, and he didn’t make a comment on that sort of picture. And it wasn’t like he commented anything horrendous

Edited
Show quote history

@Aylestone

It’s none of your business why she has it, but she’s said it isn’t raunchy and she has closed contacts.

Describing someone as ‘innocent’ or not is referring to their sexual experience - that’s far much intrusive than saying ‘you look great’ or even ‘you’ve got a great figure’. It’s very weird to speculate on the sexual experience of a potential date. I think it might have been clumsy rather than sleazy but it’s very unattractive either way.

pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2023 14:00

Fiery30 · 26/12/2023 13:57

I think it depends on the context of previous conversations you both had on Tinder. I personally wudnt take offence on such a statement as he was probably trying to flirt. It does not come across as creepy in any way. Obviously you did not like it, which is fine. You could have just said, I don't understand what you are trying to say, giving him a chance to explain. Still cancelling a date, when you have had good chat so far, seems too much.

Of course its creepy—because its misogynistic and implies that her sex life renders her impure/guilty.

Whataretheodds · 26/12/2023 14:01

Everyone is massively overreacting. His comment was a really clumsy attempt at sexy banter. I wouldn't have found it especially appealing but I don't really get why you took such offence.

If you don't want to guy to comment on how you look in a bikini, don't show him photos of you in a bikini. Keep messaging on the app until you're ready for that chat (or change your WhatsApp photo).

DojaPhat · 26/12/2023 14:02

Neither of you is meant for the other. His misguided attempt at flirting and your reaction to it would really put me off both of you in either of your positions. Whether it's raunchy or not your profile is you in a bikini, his very cringey 'innocent' comment just makes this all too much to deal with for the both of you.

Reesescheeses · 26/12/2023 14:02

Oh I don’t know. To me dating on tinder was about getting to know someone, going on a date, hopefully having a nice time and good conversation, then seeing them again if there was any chemistry. Pre- meet up sexual chat would have put me right off as we wouldn’t have been on the same page at all. BUT online dating didn’t really work for me as the men I met tended to be quite timid and I didn’t feel attracted to them at all so maybe someone a bit more forward would have been better in hindsight?!?

(just to add I did get married in the end- just not to someone I met online!)

Fiddlerdragon · 26/12/2023 14:02

TedMullins · 26/12/2023 13:56

If people can’t handle seeing a woman in a bikini that’s very much a them problem.

Show quote history

Where did anyone say they couldn’t handle it? It just created an unpleasant indication of someone. If I saw a man posting a pic of him mostly naked I’d think he was an arrogant twat and probably cancel the date unless I was just after a shag. The same if I saw a man with a profile pic of him holding a fish, except he wouldn’t even get a shag. The ops posting bikini pics as her profile and is then offended when her date makes a mild joke about it

GrandParade · 26/12/2023 14:04

WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:50

@Aylestone - privacy settings on WhatsApp actually mean that you can make it visible to only your own contacts.

Yes, but you then added a total stranger to your contacts, making the image visible to him, and he ran with the raunchiest possible interpretation of ‘woman in bikini as WhatsApp profile picture’. I mean, his idea of playful badinage suggests he’s a mildly pervy twit, but he’s unlikely to be alone, so, in future, think before adding strangers on WhatsApp or change your profile picture to one where you’re fully dressed.

Fiery30 · 26/12/2023 14:05

Sex life? Its only her photo in a bikini. It's obviously a comment on how sexy she looks in the pic and an attempt to be flirtatious.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/12/2023 14:05

I'd say right decision....

Asking if you are innocent is just gross...I cant quite put my finger on it but its like there is some unspoken implication he wants to be the one to violate and defile you so you aren't "innocent"
🤢🤮🤮🤮

cansu · 26/12/2023 14:06

Sounds like he is trying to engage you in sexual talk. Given you have never met him why should you? I don't blame you for cancelling him although given what I have heard about online dating sounds pretty typical.

Opentooffers · 26/12/2023 14:07

Looking to date is casual. Did he say he was looking for a relationship? I think your senses were probably spot on with this one.

mildlydispeptic · 26/12/2023 14:08

He sounds clumsy at best and creepy at worst. I'd find that a massive turnoff. YANBU to cancel, OP.

TedMullins · 26/12/2023 14:10

Fiddlerdragon · 26/12/2023 14:02

Where did anyone say they couldn’t handle it? It just created an unpleasant indication of someone. If I saw a man posting a pic of him mostly naked I’d think he was an arrogant twat and probably cancel the date unless I was just after a shag. The same if I saw a man with a profile pic of him holding a fish, except he wouldn’t even get a shag. The ops posting bikini pics as her profile and is then offended when her date makes a mild joke about it

Show quote history

she was wearing swimwear on holiday?? The fact you’d judge her for that (or a man for wearing swimwear) says more about you than them.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 14:10

Tbh OP it’s not relevant what you’re wearing, the OLD ones after sexting or a casual shag would turn the chat sleazy if you were wearing a high neck full length cover up.

In my OLD days I had 8/9 photos in various places. One of them I was showing a bit of cleavage and that’s the one the sleazy ones always commented on. And I’m talking a normal V neckline not plunging to the waist!

Just be thankful they show themselves pretty quickly

GreigeO · 26/12/2023 14:12

she was wearing swimwear on holiday?? The fact you’d judge her for that (or a man for wearing swimwear) says more about you than them

but she’s not on holiday, is she? This is her profile picture on her WhatsApp which she is handing out to work colleagues and potential dates.

Fiddlerdragon · 26/12/2023 14:14

TedMullins · 26/12/2023 14:10

she was wearing swimwear on holiday?? The fact you’d judge her for that (or a man for wearing swimwear) says more about you than them.

Show quote history

No one at all (including me) is judging her for wearing swimwear on holiday. I’m really not arsed about what she uses as her profile pic either. The only one with the problem herself is the op complaining that he’s commented on her photo. Let me ask you this? Do you have daughters? And if you do would you let them post ANY pics ANYWHERE of them in their bikinis, on holiday or otherwise? If not, why not? Ive got 12 and 15yo and there’s a fucking good reason why they’re not allowed to put bathing suit pics up on social media

IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 26/12/2023 14:14

There are WAY too many posters on this thread whose narrative seems to be that it's OP's FAULT if a sleazeball makes unwanted sexualized comments.
Just wow. Please take a long hard look at yourselves. This is 2023.

Fiddlerdragon · 26/12/2023 14:14

GreigeO · 26/12/2023 14:12

she was wearing swimwear on holiday?? The fact you’d judge her for that (or a man for wearing swimwear) says more about you than them

but she’s not on holiday, is she? This is her profile picture on her WhatsApp which she is handing out to work colleagues and potential dates.

This. Completely twisted what I said and what the scenario is

Namechange4234 · 26/12/2023 14:18

He sounds predatory and sleazy

Your WA profile photo is a choice I wouldn't make for WA

I never clutch pearls

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 14:18

Some posters on this thread seem like quite unpleasant people. @GreigeO - you should probably read it properly before making snide comments. I work on an all FEMALE team, my work colleagues consist of 4 other females....that's it, there is no one else we work with....

OP posts:
Silverbirchtwo · 26/12/2023 14:20

If a picture of a woman in a bikini (not in a sexy pose) sends him into overdrive, I would say he is the innocent one. He may have actually been really blown away. I guess he was trying to be flirty, but a bit of a fail. Does he seem a bit socially inept usually?

(But then I've been out of dating forever though so I don't know how things go these days.)

TedMullins · 26/12/2023 14:21

Fiddlerdragon · 26/12/2023 14:14

No one at all (including me) is judging her for wearing swimwear on holiday. I’m really not arsed about what she uses as her profile pic either. The only one with the problem herself is the op complaining that he’s commented on her photo. Let me ask you this? Do you have daughters? And if you do would you let them post ANY pics ANYWHERE of them in their bikinis, on holiday or otherwise? If not, why not? Ive got 12 and 15yo and there’s a fucking good reason why they’re not allowed to put bathing suit pics up on social media

Show quote history

This woman is an adult, not a 12 or 15 year old. If I had adult daughters I wouldn’t think I had any business policing what they put as their WhatsApp profile picture. I can’t believe in this day and age there are still people in existence who think women posting public bikini pictures are fair game for sleazing over. Adult women can post whatever the fuck they want on their WhatsApp pics and social media and hold boundaries about what kind of comments they will or won’t accept.

TedMullins · 26/12/2023 14:22

GreigeO · 26/12/2023 14:12

she was wearing swimwear on holiday?? The fact you’d judge her for that (or a man for wearing swimwear) says more about you than them

but she’s not on holiday, is she? This is her profile picture on her WhatsApp which she is handing out to work colleagues and potential dates.

Again, if her colleagues, dates or other members of the public can’t contain themselves over a picture of a woman in a bikini, they are the ones with the problem.