Does a truely no-strings relationship ever work out for the woman?

[duke748]

As in, friends with, ahem 'benefits'?

I have such an arrangement and I just sometimes wonder if I am kididng myself that it works fine for me?

We have been friends for about three years but for most of that time we were both in relationships so didn't do anything at all or think of each other in that way.

He lives about 2 hours away from me and we go through phases of seeing each other a lot, then not much, pretty much dependent on what else we have going on. I always enjoy my time with him and we do have a lot (and I mean alot!) of great sex, but also watch DVDs and other more mundane stuff like that. We don't hold hands and look longingly into each other's eyes though.

We have been honest with each other and have said that if it stops working for either of us, we just let the other know and thats that. I don't want a boyfriend right now as I am enjoying being single after coming out of a stiffling relationship last summer.

To be clear, I'm not trying to get him to fall in love with me, change his ways or anything like that. Its just fun having someone around who I trust for those kinds of things. Also, I envisage it will die a death naturally at some point. Either the noevelty will wear off or one of us will fall for someone else.

So, my question is this - can a woman truely enjoy no-strings sex or does thousands of years of evolution mean deep down we are all looking for 'nesting' and settling down?

I have told some of my friends and they have all been nothing but supportive, plus, of course, they like to hear the juicy gossip! But I wonder if society still does look down on women who, basically, have a bloke's attitude to sex? Why is this? Will it ever change?

Again, for clarity, I am not asking, 'should I dump him?', as I will keep doing it until I don't enjoy it. But am interested in people's opinions on the matter.

So ladies and gents, your opinions please......

Does a truely no-strings relationship ever work out for the woman?

Discuss.

I don't think there is such a thing as a no strings relationship.It is a misnomer if ever tehre was one!

I very much doubt it but I know others will disagree.
I've always wanted them to love me, even if they weren't worthy of my affection!

I think everyone is going to differ on this one!!

I had a no strings relationship with someone 7 years younger than me after my marriage ended. I didn't want another relationship and was safe in the knowledge that he didn't either. I am not the kind of person to have a string of one night stands but still wanted sex so this worked for me!!

Thanks for the responses so far ladies.

FunnyKC - good to hear someone with a positive experience. Are you still in contact with him now? If so, does it feel weird when you meet up, or has it just gone back to like it was before?

In my opinion, no, it doesn't work. Seems to work well enough for guys though

i had a fuck buddy once. well, i thought he was a fuck buddy, then he wanted me to meet his son (was before i had my ds) and wanted to do all couply stuff and hold hands at the cinema and he told me he loved me.

so i told him i was using him as a social experiment to see if friends who fuck can ever be friends afterwards.

and he dumped me.

Urban - that made me giggle!

yes, think it can work! definately but has to be like you said, both totally honest with each other and 'in the same place'. Once one of you feels more than the other then it starts getting complicated...but sounds like you're onto a good thing - don't analyse it - just enjoy it!

Yes.

It worked for me because I was in love with someone else, but I couldn't have him.

So fuck buddies, or 'friends with benefits', were a way to still have a some fun.

For the most part, however, I found it easier to stick to one-nighters and flings.

Well in my experience yes it does work. I do hate the assumption so many people have that women can't seperate their emotions from sexual satisfaction.

Obviously sometimes one of the parties involved may deep down want more, or grow attached to the other person, but in many cases both parties want exactly the same thing and it does work out.

I have yet to fall for any of my 'bed' buddies', but then I choose them on very different criteria to what I'd look for in a boyfriend, so that helps!

Twice men have called it off after a few months as they feel they are getting 'attached'. I respect them for this and knowing when to pull out and stop before things get complicated.

I don't want a boyfriend right now, and am not looking for anyone to settle down with or 'nest' with, so having lovers suits me very well and I'm in no danger of falling for them

Am in a situation with an FB who lives 5 minutes from me. Separated for 2 years and was just desperate for some decent sex! The physical side is amazing, best ever. Just find myself now wanting a bit more than just sex, which is a worry...... We get on really well and he'll always be a positive part of my life, but can't help I deserve more! Saddo or what

I agree. It can work. BUT only whilst both of you are entirely happy and comfortable on a sex-only basis. The problem is that someone usually develops stronger feelings and wants to take things further. And when you have a great mate who's fantastic in bed that's kind of understandable! But if you're both 100% clear and honest I think it can work...

Hmmmm. interesting.

OverMyDeadBody - I note the use of plural - lovers.

Now, I have just the one special friend. But as with buses, there has been a big drought and now three have come along at once!

Obviously haven't broached the subject with these other two yet, but wonder if three is just greedy? Or simply good thinking as it multiples my chances of seeing someone when I need to. But then again, would that be 3 times the hassle?

Choices choices.....

Hey Duke 748, go for it ! My FB is only free once every 4 weeks or so, which is really frustrating! I have a mate that has a rota for this kind of thing which when married I thought was awful. Am now thinking that that is just damn good forward planning.

sounds like you have a healthy functioning HONEST relationship, out fo which you (and i assume he) arte getting exactly what you want and no more. whats not to like?

these things only get messy when one wants the other more, whichever gender that is.

as for whether society looks down on it... well yes. there are vociferous elements of society for who nothing but total chastity, devotion and loyalty in all cases is considered 'ideal'. women are proud of how few people they have slept with and conversely, ashamed if the number is 'too high'.

which is of course a pile of crap. a persons worth is not measured by how much sex they have and with whom.

roffle @ rota.

ive tended to go with the flow myself, but if youre an organised sort then a rota seems workable! pmsl

Of course it can work. You've just said it's working for you. We still have so much sexist rubbish about women as either madonna or whore.

or both, but only at the 'right' times (decided by others).

not a lot of room for the bulk of us who are somewhere in the middle most of the time.

I think that one of you arty girls should come up with a wallchart for those of you with a choice of more than 1. For the rest of us, how about a check list for how to spot a F* Buddy. (wink)

How to spot a F-buddy.......

Hmm... good title for a book?

I'd go with....

1. Not live in the same city/town as you - then you don't have to worry about bumping into someone from work/his ex/your ex etc who might ask questions. And when it all goes tits up, you don't have to bump into them ever again if you don't want to. Would imagine if you were going to try to devise a rota, different men in different towns would work well?

2. Be a friend, but not one who is so close they could be a god boyfriend, if you see what I mean. So, someone you enjoying spending time with, but not someone you want to be with all the time. That's when those darstadly feelings come into play.

3. Someone you trust, both to get that intimate with and to be to be discreet. You probably don't want him bragging about what you guys get up to down the pub to mutual friends. Me telling my friends is obviously totally different!

Anyone else want to add some more ideas????

GOOD boyfriend, not god boyfriend. Duh!

Well Duke 748, I think you have just hit on a winning formula for 'women of a certain age'. My problem is getting out of the house to even start and meet someone. That's why my F B is the builder, lol.

It has worked for me in the past, when I was young, free and single. I met this guy and we started going out, he was incredible in bed. Within a short while I found out I couldn't trust him so ended it. I carried on sleeping with him for 3 years I dated other men and eventually I dated someone I wanted to make a go of it with and ended it. Obviously he was gutted coz he'd had it so good for so long too. But I got mine too.

If you're enjoying it and both know where you stand, i'd enjoy it

I would add;

Not someone who is already a really good friend. There's too much baggage and the danger of losing a friendship if things get complicated

Though at the same time I think I'd find it hard to get involved with someone, even on a no strings basis, if I didn't genuinely like them.