Does a truely no-strings relationship ever work out for the woman?

[duke748]

As in, friends with, ahem 'benefits'?

I have such an arrangement and I just sometimes wonder if I am kididng myself that it works fine for me?

We have been friends for about three years but for most of that time we were both in relationships so didn't do anything at all or think of each other in that way.

He lives about 2 hours away from me and we go through phases of seeing each other a lot, then not much, pretty much dependent on what else we have going on. I always enjoy my time with him and we do have a lot (and I mean alot!) of great sex, but also watch DVDs and other more mundane stuff like that. We don't hold hands and look longingly into each other's eyes though.

We have been honest with each other and have said that if it stops working for either of us, we just let the other know and thats that. I don't want a boyfriend right now as I am enjoying being single after coming out of a stiffling relationship last summer.

To be clear, I'm not trying to get him to fall in love with me, change his ways or anything like that. Its just fun having someone around who I trust for those kinds of things. Also, I envisage it will die a death naturally at some point. Either the noevelty will wear off or one of us will fall for someone else.

So, my question is this - can a woman truely enjoy no-strings sex or does thousands of years of evolution mean deep down we are all looking for 'nesting' and settling down?

I have told some of my friends and they have all been nothing but supportive, plus, of course, they like to hear the juicy gossip! But I wonder if society still does look down on women who, basically, have a bloke's attitude to sex? Why is this? Will it ever change?

Again, for clarity, I am not asking, 'should I dump him?', as I will keep doing it until I don't enjoy it. But am interested in people's opinions on the matter.

So ladies and gents, your opinions please......

Does a truely no-strings relationship ever work out for the woman?

Discuss.

Ah but you see, I'm a lady!!!!

You've got me there ranting

Aha. My 'lover' and I are planning a hol together at the mo.

BUT....... we are just going for a cheap week somewhere that we can sunbathe, drink naughtily named cocktails and spend some more time in the bedroom without having to worry about work for a while.

But that doesn't mean that it is anything more than what we have agreed.

PS- anyone been to Croatia? That is where we are thinking of going.

Well duke yours is more of a friends-with-benefits type arrangement isn't it, you've been freidns for ages, in which case I think a holiday together is fine. If you wheren't shaggin, would you still consider going on holiday with him as a friend? If so then it's nothing to worry about...

So many subtly different arrangements, maybe we should come up with some definitions and distinctions between lovers/fbs/frined with benifits/casual relationships etc. (or maybe I just have too much time on my hands and should get on with work!)

Work? now that is a 4-letter word!!

Um, no wouldn't have gone on holiday before our, arrangement. But isn't it a bit strange to go on hol with a male friend who is simply a friend!!! Or is that just me?

I like the idea of definitons.....

Is it strange? Hmm, I do it all the time actually, but it's more travelling/activity type holidays rather than lying on the beach type ones with them. I never thought about it tbh.

Don't talk to me about work, I'm 'working' now, just on a quick break

Will start on those definitions then...

OK, how about this for starters.....

'Friend with benefits' - someone who you see in your social circle quite frequently, and sometimes, maybe if you have had a few glasses of wine, you end up staying overnight together.

'F*ck buddy' - someone you don't even know that well who you simply have sex with. Not really the kind of person you go out for dinner with etc. Maybe someone you don't even like that much, but have great sex with.

'Lover' - friend who you have sex with, with no commitment to each other. Also spend time as a friend going out etc, but not the same feelings or attachement as a boyfriend.

What do you think?

right i have friend with benefits, only problem is i now seem to have acquired another one. do i need to tell them about one another or not?

Well nappyadict, hae either of you ever stipulated that your arrangement was monogamous?

How do you tihnk he would react if he knew?

Would it matter?

There isn't any reason why you have to tell him, after all, you don't tell him all the ins and out of your life right? But is there any reason why you wouldn't want to tell him? Coz there is a difference I think...

Good start on the difinitions duke. Ok, I've been thinking about this (work is boring at the mo) quite a bit, and here are my definitions (in descending order by level of commitment):

Fck* buddy/shag buddy: Someone you call at 11pm, they come over, you get right down to it and enjoy good sex, once you've both come he leaves, or maybe goes to sleep but leaves early in the morning. You know very little about him and vica versa, and you are not interested in getting to know him. You do not socialise with this guy, ever. It's only about the sex. It wouldn't bother you if you suddenly never heard from him again.

Friend with benefits: You knew this guy as a friend before you ever contemplated shagging him. Someone who you see in your social circle quite frequently, and sometimes, maybe if you have had a few glasses of wine, you end up staying overnight together. This may develop into a verbal agreement, but you could just as easily socalise without it leading to sex. It wouldn't bother you if he found a girlfriend, apart from in a 'damn, what am I going to do for sex now?' kind of way.

Lover: Unlike with the friend, sex has always been part of the equation. You like each other, but not enough to have a relationship, and there is little commitment, apart from to pleasure each other. You go out for drinks, but wouldn't go to dinner/cinema with this guy. You'll call him the day before to arrange an encounter, and spend the whole evening together rather than just a few hours shagging. Kissing and hugging part of the deal. You'll stay the night at his place and vice versa, and enjoy sleepy moring sex, maybe even getting a coffee together before parting, but will also have times when you ask him to leave after sex, after all, if you wanted someone there every night you'd get a boyfriend.

Casual relationship: This, in many ways, resembles a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, apart from the fact that it has a definate timeline and one or both parties have no intention of staying together long-term. It involves emotional investment as well as physical, and involves a degree of commitment and the assumption that both parties will be faithful. Weekends will be spent together, dvds watched, meals cooked, hands held... both parties will probably introduce each other to their social circles too.

How's that for a start?
These are just my interpretations though, I'm sure other people may see things differently...

zips is still mystified

qonder if fk has a toy boy

Who's fk?

felicity kendall lol

a small third of my personality

oh, I can't keep up with these name changes zippi. Does she have a toyboy?

In my experience they are more hassle than they are worth unless they are already fully qualified with plenty of experience

ive no idea i have onbe tho i thin k it is a bit odf anannoying silly expression

a 'relation' surely means 'a transactional arrangement' on a lighter note, i think only if she's a bitch

well with the original person, i know he wouldn't care. over the last couple of years we've both obviously slept with other people but i don't know if the new one would mind. we've never said it's meant to be monagamous but i know since we've been doing this he hasn't slept with anyone else. whether this is cos he doesn't want to or because the oppurtunity hasn't arisen i don't know. i suspect the latter. i don't want to make a deal out of by bringing it up cos it makes it seem like i care which would take it one step further than fuck buddies and i don't actually care, but part of me feels bad for texting both of them, arranging to meet up with both of them, then shagging both of them at the same time (not at the same time literally but you know what i mean). it just feels a little bit immoral especially when i don't know if the new one would be ok with it.

oh and friend seems to think i have to pick one just because that's what you should do and otherwise it's a bit whorish

Nappyaddict, monogamy is not compulsory, and no one should assume that they are in a monogamous relationship without actually asking the other person. This leads to hurt feelings and sometimes even violence. IF you suspect that someone is more inclined towards monogamy - or is assuming that you will be monogamous with him now that you've kissed him/shagged him/met his mum, then you need to have a straightforward chat about whether or not you want to make this relationship monogamous. DOn't agree to it if you don't want to, but if he wants monogamy, don't let him be rude or insulting about your refusal of it, neither of you are wrong or bad, you just want different things.
Tell your friend to go f*ck herself - what you do is your business, not hers.

i thought the whole point of this sort of relationship is that their aren't meant to be any feelings to get hurt? sigh.

Having casual relationships doesn't mean you have no feelings. Ie if your FB insults you or shouts at you, lies to you or criticizes you, your feelings would be hurt... A very important factor in having non-'romantic' sexual relationships is remembering to treat everyone with kindness and courtesy. People who treat casual sex partners like blow up dolls, laugh about them behind their backs, turn up late or don't turn up when they have said they will (ie can't even be bothered with basic human politeness because the other person is 'only for sex') deserve to end up with no one to bonk.

yes that kind of relationship worked just fine for me for several years (fell apart when he was posted overseas). There were strings but friendly kind of strings (IYSWIM) and I would get pissed off with him if he treated me like a boarding house (we went through one phase of that).

We're still friends.

well i suppose if you put it like that although technically i haven't actually lied. do you think i need to have a proper discussion about this or could i just let him know by dropping a few hints? could for example say oh can't see you on such and such day cos i'm seeing so and so and tell him that way?

so does your fb not want you to see anyone else then na

i don't know. i haven't asked him but some moral part of me feels bad for not telling him.