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Original poster

Does a truely no-strings relationship ever work out for the woman?

123 replies

duke748 · 16/03/2008 11:14

As in, friends with, ahem 'benefits'?

I have such an arrangement and I just sometimes wonder if I am kididng myself that it works fine for me?

We have been friends for about three years but for most of that time we were both in relationships so didn't do anything at all or think of each other in that way.

He lives about 2 hours away from me and we go through phases of seeing each other a lot, then not much, pretty much dependent on what else we have going on. I always enjoy my time with him and we do have a lot (and I mean alot!) of great sex, but also watch DVDs and other more mundane stuff like that. We don't hold hands and look longingly into each other's eyes though.

We have been honest with each other and have said that if it stops working for either of us, we just let the other know and thats that. I don't want a boyfriend right now as I am enjoying being single after coming out of a stiffling relationship last summer.

To be clear, I'm not trying to get him to fall in love with me, change his ways or anything like that. Its just fun having someone around who I trust for those kinds of things. Also, I envisage it will die a death naturally at some point. Either the noevelty will wear off or one of us will fall for someone else.

So, my question is this - can a woman truely enjoy no-strings sex or does thousands of years of evolution mean deep down we are all looking for 'nesting' and settling down?

I have told some of my friends and they have all been nothing but supportive, plus, of course, they like to hear the juicy gossip! But I wonder if society still does look down on women who, basically, have a bloke's attitude to sex? Why is this? Will it ever change?

Again, for clarity, I am not asking, 'should I dump him?', as I will keep doing it until I don't enjoy it. But am interested in people's opinions on the matter.

So ladies and gents, your opinions please......

Does a truely no-strings relationship ever work out for the woman?

Discuss.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 19:00

Yes, lovers duke! As you said, they are like busses, I've been standing at the bus stop for what seems an eternity and then three come along at once, all offering slighlty different routes!

One is a very good friend with 'benifits', his only aim is to satisfy me, and it is satisfaction gauranteed! We see each other lots as friends, and sometimes throw some sexual fun into it.

He introduced me to number 2, so I know both of us want the same thing, that is, a bit of no-strings fun.

The third guy I've only met a few times, and we haven't done anything as yet, but he's on the cards as a possibility.

(I hope I don't sound like a slut or anything , I'm so not, this has never happened before)

OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 19:06

My criteria are:

  1. Obviously, that they don't want more and are not looking for a girlfriend.
  1. That they have a busy life already with work and social circles (you son't want someone who's only social interactions is with you, or they may start wanting to spend more and more time with you)
  1. That they are nice and obviously completely trustworthy, but I guess that goes without saying really.
  1. That they are not intersted in every aspect of my life, don't ask me where I've been or who I've been with, i.e. that they keep a respectable distance and I do the same.
  1. That they have some qualities or characteristics that I would not want in a boyfriend
  1. That they are good in bed and know how to satisfy a woman, and have experience. I don't want to have to train someone up
lou33 · 16/03/2008 19:07

it's worked for me in the past

boudoiricca · 16/03/2008 19:09

I agree with ALL the above. Especially 2. And 5. And obviously 6

suey2 · 16/03/2008 19:19

yep. i had an on/off affair: we got together when both single for about 5 years on and off. WE kept it a secret (although we had some friends in common) He was lovely but neither of us wanted any more than that. And we would just literally meet for sex, staying together overnight but happy to go our separate ways in the morning

mummybrains · 16/03/2008 19:51

In my experience - until one half falls in love with the other - it can be fine. If you are the sort of person who is in control of herself and her feelings and has good self-esteem then it can work. Some of us are more needy, and this is usually the kiss of death for FBs. But until that happens the sex is FANTATSIC!!!

Original poster
duke748 · 16/03/2008 20:04

'That they have a busy life already with work and social circles (you son't want someone who's only social interactions is with you, or they may start wanting to spend more and more time with you)'

  • Like that one!

And to think I'd get flamed to hell for my op and told I was devaluing myself. Seems that its a popular choice!!!!

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 20:05

It isn't inevitable though, that one half will fall in love with the other, just a possibility, and one that can be reduced by picking the right kind of FB for you.

OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 20:09

Yep Duke, and I think it works especially well for single mums, in my case anyway I just don't have the time or inclination to invest emotionally in another person, but I really benefit from regular good sex (who doesn't ). If no one is getting hurt and both parties are getting satisfaction out of it is isn't devaluing is it! Just bloody good fun

Original poster
duke748 · 16/03/2008 20:09

A sequel.....

'Different types of f*ck buddies; and how to pick the right one for you'.

And another book waiting to be written....

'How to devise and run a rota system for your lovers.'

I like the word lover better than f*ck buddy, think I'll use it from now on. ;0)

Hee hee.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 20:13

Yes, lover sounds better doesn't it!

In my case the rota system is quite easy, one of them knows about the other so is happy to 'fit' in around the other one. Also, under no circumstances, are they to turn up without asking first.

pippypoppypanda · 16/03/2008 20:14

Hi. Just to put another spin on things. What if the FB was your child's father?

Original poster
duke748 · 16/03/2008 20:15

Surely, in the spirit of total disclosure, they should all know about each other, not in a , 'Gosh I was doing all these naughty things with Bob last night' way, but they should at least know about each other, or am I being naive?

OP posts:
Original poster
duke748 · 16/03/2008 20:16

PPP- as in you did have a relationship with him and now, as an ex he is a FB, or as in you were 'friends' with someone and got preggers?

OP posts:
pippypoppypanda · 16/03/2008 20:20

I was with him then we used to get together all the time (on a sat nite when drink was involved and I ended up pregnant. Now our ds is 15 months and we've started sleeping together again, much more regularly and sober (!). But we've both said it isn't a serious thing

OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 20:22

ppp as in an ex that you're now shagging or an unexected pregnancy as a result fo the no-strings fun? I guess it depends, but sex with an ex usually ends up getting messy.

duke, yes you are right, they should all know, it just hasn't come up yet with the second guy, but I won't keep it from him. It only started recently but I haven't led him to believe he's the only one or anything devious or anything, we just don't spend much time doing idle chit chat whan we get together

OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 20:24

ppp so it's not an ex then, I guess if you both know it isn't serious then there's no harm in it is there? Could work out quite conveniently too!

pippypoppypanda · 16/03/2008 20:24

Sorry OMDB i meant we have already got a child and now we're sleeping together again

madamez · 16/03/2008 20:32

YEs, this can work just fine. All relationships have the potential to go wrong, don't forget - selling giving yoruself only in exchange for a wedding ring is no guarantee that you will be happy for the rest of your life. Being honest with yourself and with the other person (though there's no need to overbomb them with details about who else you're doing) improves the chances of things staying amicable all round, and it's also worth remembering that a relationship that doesn't last forever is not necessarily a bad one: if you have fun then move on but remain on friendly terms, what's to fret about?
As to the opinions of Other People, bollocks to 'em.

pippypoppypanda · 16/03/2008 20:36

Thats pretty good advice madamez. I posted about this on lone parents and I was completely attacked for it. Someone even said I wanted everyone to say wat I wanted to hear .

Original poster
duke748 · 16/03/2008 21:10

OMDB - sorry if I came across as preachy - was just wondering out loud, for my own situation as much as anyone elses.

PPP- I too am a bit wary about exes. But that might say more about my exes than anything else.

I guess you keep the same rules, no falling for each other.

Have to say getting pregnant is my worst nightmare in this situation. Imagine if you had multiple, ahem, lovers.... god doesn't bear thinking about. Imagines self on Jeremy Kyle show. Shudders.

OP posts:
pippypoppypanda · 16/03/2008 21:28

lol me too how awful would that be? In my situation in that worst case scenario at least my children would have the same father (not that there's anything wrong with not having the same father - just in the case of having an accident with a fb)

madamez · 16/03/2008 21:36

It is pretty important to use contraception when you're having sex for fun, but that applies whether it's a one night stand or your longterm partner.
Though I suppose its only fair to say that my DS father was a FB at the time, DS was a big surprise and things have worked out fine for us with an amicable co-parenting relationship, but it was tricky at first.

OverMyDeadBody · 16/03/2008 22:44

No offence taken Duke

Oh god yes, contraception is a must in these situations, as well as condoms of course. You cannot be too safe.

gracepaley · 16/03/2008 23:17

where can one obtain such a thing? I would really like one.