this is the end, isn't it?

[merryxmasnot]

Been with DH a long time. 3 teenage kids. Until a few years ago, I would have said our marriage was strong and good, although always had a problem with his temper. He's not the best at processing/articulating emotions - flares up very quickly, not great at communicating calmly when there is any conflict. However, until recently he would be quick to apologise and this sort of thing would happen rarely.

Past few years have been quite stressful for various reasons, he's snappy and grumpy the majority of the time, and his temper is getting worse. He's never violent, but he shouts and swears at me and the kids. It's like he sees red. We had a lovely day today, doing festive prep, having fun with the kids. We saw some friends in the afternoon, had a few drinks (this probably didn't help), came home, he was doing more cooking. Kids were pissing around play-fighting and DH lost his shit with them to the point he made them all cry.

He was literally screaming at them that he does so much for them and they don't appreciate him, it was an absolute explosion and we were all begging him to stop. After storming around the house, telling us Christmas was off and making the poor kids utterly distraught, he calms down a little bit. Lays a bit of a guilt trip on them, trying to explain that they do his head in, and he's so stressed out, and feels unappreciated etc. It was awful. I feel like they'll never forget this. Eldest son was saying our family is dysfunctional. He is right.

I have apologised to the kids, tried to talk in through. I hate to say it, but I even made some excuses for DH to try to 'explain things' - when I know in my heart there is no excuse.

What also feels disturbing is that - while he's apologised to the kids - he's not apologising to me. Has gone to sleep in another room leaving me to put all the presents out etc.

This is it, isn't it? I can't come back from this.

@CrapBucket - thank you again. I would really love to hear your story, if you don't mind me asking.

My god, he is fucking horrible. He's abusing you and the kids, I don't care how stressed he thinks he is, nothing gives him the right to treat any of you like that. I really feel for you, you must be in shock and he's left you to sort out the presents on your own. I can't help thinking you would be less lonely doing it all alone as a single parent next year than you are living with him and his behaviour.

Please, please don't second guess yourself or beat yourself up about anything you said or did tonight, to him or to the kids. You did what you needed to do to calm things down under awful circumstances, you diffused the situation and your kids know you're there for them.

I think I would just focus on the kids tomorrow, go through the motions and keep things as calm as possible. I would also start planning to split. I'm so sorry your Christmas Eve has been so horrible, absolutely none of this is your fault.

...also it comes across that your children really trust you and tell you how they are feeling. That's to your credit and a massive protective factor for them.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family at this time of year.

I think you've had some great advice already about not minimising. Towards the end of my 20 yr marriage, XH was vile to our teenage children. I recall packing them in the car 3 times and driving to McDonald's to keep them safe. They need to see you're on their side.

I understand that the path forward feels quite hard and unknown. Having come out of the other side, the children were so much happier, as was I. We no longer had to walk on eggshells in our home. Felt, and still feels, priceless. You will get there too, promise.

You shouldn’t want to get back from this

Poor kids! Make plans to leave and make this your last shit Xmas and his last outburst .

@sprigatito - thank you, this made me cry a bit. I feel like I am failing the kids just exposing them to this. They are really lovely young people and were coming out with excuses themselves - ‘we are all very tired, mum, it’s been a long year, people get stressed at Christmas’ - the kind of stuff adults with baggage come out with. It wasn’t always this way. I just hope they can remember some of the good times.

@Globules - thank you, and it’s great to hear you are out the other side. I can’t imagine the reality of actually separating☹️ It’s really not helped by the fact that I have zero - and I mean zero - family support. Some great friends though (who would be shocked if they saw DH tonight)

I couldn't imagine separating either @merryxmasnot It made me stay longer than I should have done. Once you take the hard first step, the rest follow.

My friends were far more supportive than my family were. They will be there for you to lean on when you need them.

Have a read of this thread. Hopefully you'll be happy and able to post on it in the next few years.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4969718-to-say-to-anyone-considering-ltb

Sadly this is the way to go.

I too left exh after 21 years and 3 DC together. I couldn't expose the youngest to his strops and shouting for what I thought was no reason. It turned out he had met someone else and was having an affair. Once I found out I kicked him out, had the locks changed and my BiL had a little chat to him when he came to collect his stuff telling him never to come near me again. He got a flat. 1 of our kids went to visit him the other 2 refused.

@caringcarer - sorry you went through this but good to hear you are out the other side.

I’ve often seen posters point to affairs when there’s a discussion around angry partners. I wonder WHY this is, though. You think if you were being unfaithful one would try to cover one’s tracks

Could you and the kids have a discussion and agree how to proceed in a way that it's not about his feelings but your and your children's feelings.
He takes a lot for granted doesn't he?
If the kids were ok with it he'd be gone if it was me.
Selfish diva abusive man? No. Not even for Christmas.
Best wishes

He’s behaving as if he wants out. You don’t treat anyone like that least of all your lovely family - and at Christmas. What on earth does he think he’s doing? Your kids will be able to vote with their feet in a few years.

@TheaBrandt - yes, he is behaving if he wants out (and right now, I want him out tbh) -but I’m not quite sure why. He’s always been quick to anger but it’s like he was being massively irrational tonight.

@merryxmasnot "Do you think the kids will always remember this?"

Yes they will. My father told me I was shit and I was nothing when I was 17. Over 30 years later I haven't forgotten. Same as I haven't forgotten all the years before that

@K1233 - I am sorry you went through that. DH wasn’t quite that horrific - I think I would have thrown him out right there if he’d said that. He did tell them they were ungrateful and unhelpful though. They can be at times, a little - but can’t all teens? They are for the most part, lovely. Brilliant at school. Kind. Great manners.

DH is such a dick. And I’m here crying and typing on mumsnet at 3.30am on Xmas eve, all because of him.

@merryxmasnot it's your day to show them self respect and how to respect. Or not.
@Opentooffers

This is the last time you and the children have to go through this

It never has to happen again and you can ensure that you and they are protected from him

You're NOT a failure because you have decided to make changes and draw the line

He is a pathetic selfish waste of space .....leave him to wallow in his self pity

He sounds unwell. I wouldn’t throw the towel in just yet, especially if on the whole, things are ok.

Is he anxious over something? Does he have depression? PTSD? Suggest that he goes to the drs & therapy for whatever is causing these outbursts. It sounds like you also need therapy together.

If you believe your marriage is worth saving, I would explore all avenues.

As for your eldest, most families are a little dysfunctional. You & your dc will be ok, but they need to see their dad change & have a degree of control of his anger & frustrations.
.

@Yousay55 - thank you. He is anxious over a few things, some of which affect us both (money worries, and one of our DC has an ongoing health condition) and some things which are personal to him. He dislikes his job and struggles with his elderly parents who he has a complicated relationship with.

None of it is an excuse. In all honesty I have to carry a lot more - but that’s a whole other thread. Difference is I recognise my stress and don’t take it out on our family - not to the extent of DH’s horrific outburst.

Kids are getting up so I intend to put on a bit of a performance for them today. Any other words of wisdom appreciated.

Advice?

Don't bring it up today @merryxmasnot unless they do. If they do, don't minimise it. Be factual and clear. Tell them the behaviour you don't think was ok.

You'll be very well practiced at the game face by now. Time to put it on again for the sake of the kids. Rise above. Don't let them see the inner anger. Do allow them to see you be tired though. If they ask, tell them the truth that you had trouble sleeping. If they ask why, tell them the truth that you were reflecting on their dad's behaviour.

Enjoy every wonderful minute you have with your children today. Because they're wonderful.

Keep popping on MN through the day if you have time. There will always be someone along to give you a boost if you're feeling one is needed.

Keep going through this bit as strong as you can. Your children need to see you rising above.

Sending you strength for the day.

Ignore his sulking today. Focus on the kids.

Yesterday was bad, and the ongoing manipulation of you is terrible. Taking himself off elsewhere to sleep, and leaving you to do everything last night. How he justifies this I have no idea!

Today is not a day to deal with him.

Isn’t pretty much every woman stressed today? Don’t we also have to contend work issues mental load doing the lions share plus hormonal changes peri etc. Do we rant and rave at our teens and husbands? No we bloody don’t. NO EXCUSE for this behaviour op and don’t let your kids excuse it either or they might end up being treated in a similar fashion in the future by their spouses and think it’s normal.

@Globules - thank you so so much. It’s amazing I can be here in my house and get such lovely support. My children are indeed wonderful, and I am going to do my best to make today ok for them.

@TheaBrandt - I know. It’s appalling.