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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to anyone considering LTB…

75 replies

Russooooo · 24/12/2023 22:08

… just bloody do it.

This is my third Christmas as a single parent and it is sooooooo much nicer / easier / more relaxing than as an (unhappily) married one.

I’m sat on the sofa with Prosecco, watching the Sewing Bee Christmas special. Presents are wrapped. Kids are asleep. All is calm and well.

I don’t need to worry about what time he’ll be home or how hungover he’ll be in the morning. I’m not feeling resentful about doing it all on my own, because this is what I chose. I’ve bought what I want, without criticism. We’ll eat what we want tomorrow.

Honestly, if you’re worrying it’ll be harder on your own, or staying together ‘for the kids’, don’t. Just LTB.

OP posts:
LividSleep · 24/12/2023 22:10

Thanks.

My first Christmas as a single parent and I’ve got all the emotions. It’s been a year. But it’s so much better.

SusanSHelit · 24/12/2023 22:12

Here here!

So much more peaceful!

It's only my second Christmas separated and ex was a colossal knob last year year but has not been allowed to pull the same shit this year.

It's the first first Christmas in a decade I'm actually looking forward to and I'm working a night shift tomorrow night as well well as hosting!

Original poster
Russooooo · 24/12/2023 22:12

The first year was tough tbh @LividSleep. Aaaaaaalll the emotions. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas

OP posts:
Nomorelessonneededplease · 24/12/2023 22:13

Hear hear😊😊😊😊

SusanSHelit · 24/12/2023 22:14

First year is definitely emotional, especially if you have to split time with dc, but it's still preferable to the alternative

SpringleDingle · 24/12/2023 22:14

This is my 6th Xmas as a single parent. Had a lovely evening watching Xmas movies and eating tacos with DD. She’s sleeping, Santa has filled stockings and Ddog and I are off to bed. Lovely 🥰

Hoglet70 · 24/12/2023 22:16

I had a couple of years on my own with DS and god yes, it was perfect once the initial emotion was settled. I do have a new DH now (going on 15 years together) and he is a fab husband and step-Dad so they aren't all complete knobs but I so hear you on this one.

DelilahBucket · 24/12/2023 22:18

I remember my first Christmas after splitting with my abusive ex. It was bliss. DS, then two years old, decorated the tree. I hosted my mum and step dad in my tiny little house and forgot the stuffing in the bottom of the oven. I found it two days later. Funny what you remember.

To be honest, from the second he left I breathed a huge sigh of relief because I knew he was never coming back. It was such a weight off my shoulders. I felt so calm and at peace. I also know how hard it is to get rid of these toxins from our lives. It took me two years but I did it for me and DS.

AnotherAdventFridge · 24/12/2023 22:19

You are not being unreasonable.

Happy singledom is better than unhappy coupledom, BUT it is bloody hard work.
The kids may go through stages of resenting you as they mature. By the time they are thirty, dickhead daddy will have shown his real colours.

To anyone wanting to leave their partner, the first couple of years can be brutal, once on your feet again it is ace.

Beezknees · 24/12/2023 22:22

Absolutely. Reading the threads today from stressed women and their useless DHs makes me want to scream LEAVE HIM.

Being single is so bloody peaceful.

LadyChilli · 24/12/2023 22:24

@LividSleep best of luck. The first solo Christmas can be a hard one.

I'm on my third year and couldn't be happier. The only male I'll be running about after is DS and he appreciates it. Then he'll go to his dad's and I'll drink nice wine and eat till I want to burst.

spookehtooth · 24/12/2023 22:35

How long did you take to do it, though?

It's not necessarily constant crap for everyone, but more complicated than that which makes it more difficult to make up your mind. And that's on top of the natural aversion to change that everyone has varying extents.

My moment of deciding to leave came completely out of the blue, unexpectedly. My last LTR, I had no idea, the morning I got out of bed that I was doing it for the last time. Something happened that day, and that was it .. over, I'd had enough

50plusandfabulous · 24/12/2023 22:43

My first as a divorcee. DS is 25 and doesn’t live at home. I spent last Xmas doing a ‘family Xmas’ even though we had been separated for 2 years , it was utter hell.
Truth be told I’m a bit lonely, this is my third Xmas waking up on my own except for the dog, but I’m not on tenterhooks or having to manage ex DH behaviours or ferry him to the pub as a priority on Christmas Day, which I have to remind myself of.
Its hard but do-able , sending strength to those having a tough time x

50plusandfabulous · 24/12/2023 22:44

@LadyChilli sounds like we are in the same space x

Original poster
Russooooo · 24/12/2023 22:46

Six years @spookehtooth.

I don’t mean to sound smug or make it sound easy. I’ve been that person making the “where the fuck is ‘D’H?” / “bloody hobbies” / “wife work” / “OW” threads. I was told to LTB multiple times.

I completely agree that most relationships are not constant crap and that LTB is not an easy decision to make, not by any means, but - certainly for me - I’m so glad I did eventually make it.

OP posts:
SpellHisAssOff · 24/12/2023 22:48

This is my first Christmas single since I met my ex husband over 10 years ago. First one ever as a single mum, and I was so scared at the thought, but it's honestly been great so far. No arguments, just what I want to do, me and my wee girl. Its so hard to leave, but its the best thing I have ever done!

Original poster
Russooooo · 24/12/2023 22:49

<raises a glass to the rest of you enjoying freeeeeeeeedom>

I did just get scared shitless by the cat sneaking in while I was putting out presents though 😂

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 24/12/2023 22:49

Op totally agree, I'm into double digits now and have truly never regretted it.

Like with everything the first steps are hard, but itbis do much easier than staying!

Itslookinggood · 24/12/2023 22:52

It’s my fourth.

this year has been bliss so far. Dog walks, hairdressers, neighbours and chatting with friends today. Film with DS this evening, in front of the fire. Sister and family coming over tomorrow.

but. The first year was awful, the second I had to call the police on Christmas Eve (abusive ex). Last year was the start of recovery.

so totally agree op but depending on circumstance it can take a while to,get there.

Smartstuffed · 24/12/2023 22:54

I'm 385 days single (no children, in my 60s) and from April onwards this has been the best year of my life.

MinnieMotor · 24/12/2023 22:59

I'm on the 18th year since he left me! Youngest was only days old when he went off with someone else

After the initial shock, life has been on the whole so much better without him

Andthereyougo · 24/12/2023 23:00

My last Christmas married to him: beautiful rented cottage I’d paid for, and I’d driven the 250 miles to. It was remote but in a courtyard of other holiday cottages, other families entitled to a peaceful Christmas. He got blind drunk of course on spirits which made him nasty. I sat in silence for 5 hours, him snoring on the sofa , didn’t dare disturb him as that would have resulted in the place being trashed.
Next Christmas I was newly moved into a rented house, it was a bit cold, still had stuff in boxes but my pets and I were safe , he didn’t know where I’d gone and I’d start a new job the following week.
Never looked back. He never found me. Turned out I was very good at my new job and made a lot of money, enough to retire less than 10 years later.
He drank himself to death but thankfully didn’t make another woman’s life miserable ( private investigator a few years later)
Hats off to all who’ve LTB and gone on to happier lives.

spookehtooth · 24/12/2023 23:01

I didn't think you were smug @Russooooo Just thought you sounded pleased with your decision, which is good 😀 I don't really know when I first thought, seriously, about splitting. I've got a bit of a fixer mentality, always trying to make things work & sort shit out. It took being locked out, sleeping on a friend's couch for me to go "fuck it, I'm done", I found it too humiliating after spending the evening trying to get in the house, and sort things out

I thoroughly enjoy the peace and quiet at home on my own 😁 It took about 4-6 months to get used to it, having a quiet home life and being used to treated properly by everyone I spent time with.

ColdinNovember · 24/12/2023 23:05

Agree overall, year 3 here, but you all seem to have your children with you. Mine are with their Father tonight and I’m on my own. I have no regrets about my relationship being over and this wouldn’t change my decision but Christmas is probably the time it feels hardest to have to share DC time with ex.

sorry for the downer.

CeliaCanth · 24/12/2023 23:07

Me too! First Christmas divorced and in my own home. DC are students and chose to live with me owing to exH’s behaviour. On the whole we have been so much happier and I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

Friend spotted exH in town yesterday holding hands with a woman who, apparently, looked the same age as my daughter (21). He’s 55. So tragically predictable. After an initial catching of breath I realised I am indifferent.