Hi, I feel really stupid writing a thread like this on Christmas Eve but I’m heartbroken and I think a little bit traumatised. I know I’ve posted about this relationship before on here and I was told to run. I should have.
Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up a couple of days ago, well that’s all I can assume as it was never really clarified. I’m not handling it very well. I know I should be jumping for joy. Wtf is wrong with me!?
He could be physically abusive towards the beginning and was very emotionally abusive throughout.
I’ve never told anyone this but he threatened to kill me three times. He was driving and we were arguing about something really difficult for me. He started driving at 90-100 miles an hour, once screaming he was going to plough into the truck in front. The parking sensors were going crazy, I was terrified. Another time he did the same but into a roundabout. The third was off the side of a very high hill. That was the worst and I grabbed my phone to try and call the police. He lunged at me, pushing me into the car door and pulled it out of my hand, bending my wrist backwards in the process and really hurting me. He was holding my phone out the window, telling me he’d throw it if I didn’t ‘behave’ and I could have it back ‘when I’d calmed down’.
Everything in our relationship was on his terms. He’d disagree with that but it was. I tried so hard to care about him while also standing up for myself. He was skint and so I paid for pretty much everything. He had no money and his only shoes had holes in them so I bought him some lovely ones for Christmas. I knew he couldn’t afford to buy me anything back but I wanted him to not be uncomfortable. That’s hurting the most right now. He has those shoes that I bought with love and he clearly never cared about me if he could do what he’s done.
Which leads me to the break up. A massive bug bare for me was phone calls. He never ever answered the phone. Basically I had to wait for him to call me and if for some reason I was busy he’d never pick up if I called back. Yet he could ring constantly. There were times he’d call over and over again until I answered. Family noticed it, friends noticed it. It was like an unspoken one rule for him but another for me.
Three days ago I really wanted to talk to him. It had been a shitty morning and I just wanted some kindness (just to add, this was rare! I didn’t call all the time. I never really called him at all because it was pointless). He answered after a few tries and was a bit short and asked if he could call me back in an hour. I agreed. Two hours pass and nothing. Normally I’d just wait indefinitely but something about that day made me snap. I’d had enough of him being able to call how much and when he pleased and me living on tenterhooks over it. So I called him a few times. He texts to say he’s still busy and to stop ‘harassing’ him, he’ll call me ‘asap’. Six more hours pass and still nothing. I did send a somewhat grumpy message and then discover he’d blocked me. He’s never done this before.
I called him yesterday from a withheld number. I probably shouldn’t have but I was hurt and confused. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of breaking up with him and he didn’t want it to end. We had a conversation where he was in tears. He said that even if we did break up he’d want to be my best friend. I wouldn’t be able to stop him from calling every day and he’d still want to meet up. That he never wanted to not be a part of my life because he loved me and he’d be devastated to lose me. He’s always been quite affectionate in telling me ‘I meant everything to him’ and so on. I guess having a total 360 done to you makes you want answers.
Anyway, I mentioned this to him and he immediately said ‘I do want to be friends’. I also asked what was going on and if we were broken up (I know, I’m pathetic) and he said ‘is that what you want?’ He wouldn’t answer the question and then he hung up on me.
I’m still blocked everywhere. I haven’t tried to contact him today. He phoned me though off a with held number around noon. I answered it and he said nothing. It was weird, he waited ten seconds before hanging up.
I know this is the last thing I should be thinking about but all I want to know is if I’ll ever hear from him again. He was often awful. He could also be amazingly kind and loving. I miss him while being aware that In a few weeks I’ll probably be glad this happened… yet right now all I want is to know if he’s gone for good. He’s ruining Christmas. I can’t feel happy and I can’t think of anything else. I’m just going through the motions 😞