Relationship break up, really heartbroken *trigger warning: abuse*

[Mydogisamentalist]

Hi, I feel really stupid writing a thread like this on Christmas Eve but I’m heartbroken and I think a little bit traumatised. I know I’ve posted about this relationship before on here and I was told to run. I should have.

Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up a couple of days ago, well that’s all I can assume as it was never really clarified. I’m not handling it very well. I know I should be jumping for joy. Wtf is wrong with me!?

He could be physically abusive towards the beginning and was very emotionally abusive throughout.
I’ve never told anyone this but he threatened to kill me three times. He was driving and we were arguing about something really difficult for me. He started driving at 90-100 miles an hour, once screaming he was going to plough into the truck in front. The parking sensors were going crazy, I was terrified. Another time he did the same but into a roundabout. The third was off the side of a very high hill. That was the worst and I grabbed my phone to try and call the police. He lunged at me, pushing me into the car door and pulled it out of my hand, bending my wrist backwards in the process and really hurting me. He was holding my phone out the window, telling me he’d throw it if I didn’t ‘behave’ and I could have it back ‘when I’d calmed down’.

Everything in our relationship was on his terms. He’d disagree with that but it was. I tried so hard to care about him while also standing up for myself. He was skint and so I paid for pretty much everything. He had no money and his only shoes had holes in them so I bought him some lovely ones for Christmas. I knew he couldn’t afford to buy me anything back but I wanted him to not be uncomfortable. That’s hurting the most right now. He has those shoes that I bought with love and he clearly never cared about me if he could do what he’s done.

Which leads me to the break up. A massive bug bare for me was phone calls. He never ever answered the phone. Basically I had to wait for him to call me and if for some reason I was busy he’d never pick up if I called back. Yet he could ring constantly. There were times he’d call over and over again until I answered. Family noticed it, friends noticed it. It was like an unspoken one rule for him but another for me.
Three days ago I really wanted to talk to him. It had been a shitty morning and I just wanted some kindness (just to add, this was rare! I didn’t call all the time. I never really called him at all because it was pointless). He answered after a few tries and was a bit short and asked if he could call me back in an hour. I agreed. Two hours pass and nothing. Normally I’d just wait indefinitely but something about that day made me snap. I’d had enough of him being able to call how much and when he pleased and me living on tenterhooks over it. So I called him a few times. He texts to say he’s still busy and to stop ‘harassing’ him, he’ll call me ‘asap’. Six more hours pass and still nothing. I did send a somewhat grumpy message and then discover he’d blocked me. He’s never done this before.

I called him yesterday from a withheld number. I probably shouldn’t have but I was hurt and confused. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of breaking up with him and he didn’t want it to end. We had a conversation where he was in tears. He said that even if we did break up he’d want to be my best friend. I wouldn’t be able to stop him from calling every day and he’d still want to meet up. That he never wanted to not be a part of my life because he loved me and he’d be devastated to lose me. He’s always been quite affectionate in telling me ‘I meant everything to him’ and so on. I guess having a total 360 done to you makes you want answers.
Anyway, I mentioned this to him and he immediately said ‘I do want to be friends’. I also asked what was going on and if we were broken up (I know, I’m pathetic) and he said ‘is that what you want?’ He wouldn’t answer the question and then he hung up on me.

I’m still blocked everywhere. I haven’t tried to contact him today. He phoned me though off a with held number around noon. I answered it and he said nothing. It was weird, he waited ten seconds before hanging up.

I know this is the last thing I should be thinking about but all I want to know is if I’ll ever hear from him again. He was often awful. He could also be amazingly kind and loving. I miss him while being aware that In a few weeks I’ll probably be glad this happened… yet right now all I want is to know if he’s gone for good. He’s ruining Christmas. I can’t feel happy and I can’t think of anything else. I’m just going through the motions 😞

When you're ready you'll leave. You won't need to ask when the time comes because you'll know. But be careful - he could kill you long before you reach that point.

Therapy which focuses on trauma in your past (if there is any) might help, you are picking this bloke for a reason and you need to get curious about why. Then you can break the spell. Because you'll understand, and he'll just drop from your hands. You won't want him and what's he's offering anymore. Please seek some talking therapy with someone experienced in early trauma, attachment issues and domestic abuse.

You sound trauma bonded / I’ve been there. My parents were so abusive that when o got a nice boyfriend at 25 I broke up with him as he was lovely and boring and married a man like you describe. He will kill you. He will destroy you - he already has - do the freedom program sign up tomorrow

Please for the love of god get some intense therapy booked in the new year. This man is ruining your Christmas as he is abusive. He is getting a sad little kick from knowing how beside yourself you are feeling right now. He is also going to kill you one day. Get that therapy and stick with it.

Can't you see how much danger you are in?
I worry this could easily escalate to family annihilation. Please get yourself and DC out to somewhere safe. All the horror stories you read about in the news don't come out of the blue. There is always a long lead-up of the sort of behavior you are describing

The only way to get through this and out the other side is to go through the awful feelings. It really is a type of withdrawal. You know logically this relationship needs to end and now you need to try and protect your emotional side while it catches up, for however long that takes. Do you have any friends or family who you can talk to about this?

^He could be physically abusive towards the beginning and was very emotionally abusive throughout.
I’ve never told anyone this but he threatened to kill me three times. He was driving and we were arguing about something really difficult for me. He started driving at 90-100 miles an hour, once screaming he was going to plough into the truck in front. The parking sensors were going crazy, I was terrified^

Of course you were terrified!

Please please leave him and don't become another statistic.

Start loving yourself. You are strong and you can do this. Reaching out to MN is your first step.

I left an abusive relationship years ago and life is great. Yours can be too when you get away from him.

Keep posting and heed the wonderful posts from Mumsnetters supporting you.

OP in order for you to put up with him, he had to rewire you to believe everything was ok.
You are bound to feel confused for a while. Please give yourself time to move through this, and please don’t be taken in by him. Do not go anywhere with him. This man really could kill you

It's ok for you to mourn the breakup - you put time, effort and love into the relationship.

BUT...you must face some horrible facts - he's abusive and very dangerous. You must cut contact with him. You must not be friends. It doesn't matter how much it hurts you missing him, you are literally putting your life at risk being with him. It scares the shit out of me, the thought of my dd ending up with someone like this. Nobody that loves you wants this for you.

Look after yourself.

Thank you for the kind words. They really mean a lot. I feel so stupid. Stupid because I didn’t walk away at the beginning. There were so many red flags I ignored and stupid because I’m upset about it now. I shouldn’t be and yet I am.

A few people said writing down his worst behaviour might help. I thought it might. At least I’ll have something to look back on where I can clearly see how awful he is when I need it. This might be long.

Early on in the relationship we were talking about sex acts that we’d always been interested in trying. I stupidly said that maybe… if the circumstances were right I’d like to try a threesome. There were heavy conditions on this. I told him it would have to be in a loving, committed relationship, a one time thing just as a give it a go before you die experience and with someone neither of us knew.
He took this and ran away with it. He dedicated a tinder account to trying to find someone. When this didn’t work he started messaging prostitutes. I protested this but he always turned it back on me, ‘it was your idea’ was used frequently. Usually followed by, ‘if you’re jealous I can’t be with you, I can’t be with a jealous person’. He then found someone he’d matched with previously on tinder who was up for it. They had never met before. He set up a group chat to discuss this and it made me feel sick. It was a big three way sext thread where I felt forced and coerced to join in because if I didn’t… I was met with the previously mentioned.
He would privately message me telling me it was my turn to reply to the group chat, sometimes telling me what to say. I remember on one occasion they were sending videos and I hadn’t sent one. He started privately messaging me asking what was taking me so long. I told him 15, maybe even 20 times in the month this went on for that I’d changed my mind. I didn’t want to do it. He’d get arsey. Saying he couldn’t let this third person down now. They were excited. It was my idea and I was now going back and ruining everything. That he couldn’t be with me if I did this.
It didn’t happen for reasons that I can’t really bring myself to talk about. Throughout the relationship I brought up that what he did during that month wasn’t ok or right. He knew this and always apologised… with the caveat of ‘it was your idea initially though’. He put it down to showing off and wanting to impress me. That he wasn’t very sexually experienced and he had been worried I’d go off him if I knew so he acted like he knew what he was doing. He had pretended he slept with a lot more people than he actually had as well. In reality I was the third person. The first was a one time thing at 16, the second was his ex wife who he was with for 12 years, third was me.

Then it was the car incidences that I mentioned in my op. I actually filed a police report after they happened detailing everything he had done. In a weird way I thought it would scare him into treating me better. He had managed to convince me that everything was my fault and I believed it.
I didn’t expect the police to take it so seriously. They did. They called me within 20 minutes of me submitting it. I tried to withdraw it immediately but they wouldn’t let me. I had three or four different sets of police officers turn up at my house.
He obviously panicked and promised he’d be better. Told me what to say to them, not to give them any evidence etc. He also threatened to report me back if I didn’t stop it. He had no reason to and what he was going to report me for was made up but he was adamant I’d get into trouble anyway.

After this we agreed to start again. He never did anything like that again but I still never felt happy. The only way I can explain it was I felt everything was on his terms. He hated me having any needs.
He actually had a health condition appear from out of the blue. It caused severe erectile dysfunction. Viagra didn’t work. It was dead down there and causing him pain every time he got turned on. He later discovered that only an operation would fix it that he’s still on the waiting list for. I think he would have been quite happy to not do anything sexual until it was fixed which I viewed as a little bit selfish. I felt rejected and like he didn’t want me. He always assured me that wasn’t the case and it was just his issues and he wanted to keep trying. He’d do things for me but it never felt like he wanted to. It would quite often be painful and rushed. Sometimes I’d be covered in bruises. Part of this I think was inexperience… he had never been good in bed and sex had been 90% focussed on him. My confidence has taken a massive knock. I’d never felt that physically rejected in a relationship before.

Then there was the phone call issues that I mentioned. The feeling like he could access my time and support whenever he wanted but I practically had to book an appointment.
Me paying for nearly everything as he never had money. He was a workaholic and I felt like spending time with me came second to him doing as much overtime as physically possible.
He was always in work… to the point when quite often he would call me through the car so I was on loud speaker, then mid way through the conversation I’d hear talking and ask what the noise was. I’d then be informed that his manager or a colleague was in the car with him and they had been listening to the entire conversation. I hated it. I could have started talking about anything. There was never any privacy.

I could go on and on and on but this would become a novel. I just feel completely lost.

You need to get yourself some professional help. Counselling etc to work through WHY you ignored the red flags and abuse so you never accept it again.

He has deliberately ruined your xmas and no doubt he will contact you afterwards and gaslight you into thinking it was your fault.
He wants you broken and obedient.

Blimey op, this is no relationship. What on earth has happened to you to make you think any of this is ok. I feel weirdly protective of you and want to metaphorically whisk you away from this nasty little fucked up abusive twat. For the love of god, turn your back on him for good. You might feel sad and lost for a while but so what. They're just a few uncomfortable feelings that will fade. Accept that you'll feel a bit shit for a while but that you'll soon be much better.

The not knowing is killing me the most, like living on egg shells. I don’t know if I’m ever going to hear from him again. I don’t know if this is some extended form of punishment or whether this is ‘I’m done, I’m never contacting you again’.

He’s never done this before. He’s blocked me once in the past but it was for an hour at most. Yet when I managed to get through to him a few days beck he told me he wanted to be friends and he wouldn’t answer whether the relationship is over.

I know how stupid it sounds but it’s Christmas Day. He has the gift that I bought because I cared. How can he look at that, know this will be hurting me and not care. All he has done since we agreed to start again is tell me how much he loved me and try and fix most issues (within reason). Even the day this happened he told me he loved me. Now this.

trauma bond relationship
he will be back when it suits him and only on his terms and now you fear being blocked if you dare get upset with him etc
I’ve had this and it’s soul destroying
he sounds emotionally abusive all the time
and dangerous as well
please please try to get away it’s not easy at all

Take control and block him yourself. Be the one stopping this thing from resuming.

Then you won't be waiting. Fill today with distraction.

Do it for your rational self.

Come on, op, you know this is no good.

Not knowing - why are you making it about him? You can decide it’s over now
maybe he was extra nice so you got him a gift
I don’t like to overuse the term narcissist but it could very well apply here
he has sapped your life out of you and treated you appallingly
how dare he get to decide when it’s over or not
I say this as someone who knows how it feels to be blocked etc and ‘not know’ it’s really horrible (for weeks or longer!)
You get to decide if this is too much this time and it sounds like it is just a form of punishment to me. if you accept it he’ll do this again. He’s damaged and harmful to be with.

There will be a big gap when he’s gone because he’s made sure that he interjects into your day at regular intervals. He wants you to be thinking of him all day every day as that gives him power over you - which he’s using now to keep manipulating you.

Yes, this instantly reminded me of the tactics/approach that online dating scammers use to hook a victim and get them used to/dependant on/will feel bereft without the contact and attention and "structure" they've established.

There'll be a morning message, lunch message, around dinnertime message, goodnight message etc. Enquiries about their plans, their day, what they're having for meals etc. They sort of infiltrate the victim's entire day from waking to sleeping, and keep them thinking about them, and get them used to attention and apparent "care"; so they become bereft and it's painful if it's withdrawn.

You'll see this relayed in every eg YouTube video where someone has been scammed by a romance scammer.

They've learned what techniques work to get someone on the hook and keep them there. People like him will do this naturally.

I’m not going to forgive him for this and ‘get back together’ with him. As much as it hurts I can’t do that. I can’t be with someone who I’m too scared to disagree with for fear of being blocked like this again.

I have also blocked him on WhatsApp. I haven’t blocked his number yet and that wouldn’t really matter anyway. He’d just call off a withheld number if he wanted too like he did yesterday to mess with me.

It’s the being treated like this. It’s really hard to explain. On one side he has done some horrendously awful things. On the other he was my absolute best friend who I could talk to about anything. I could and did argue with him and 90 times out of 100 he’d try his best to make it as right as possible. He was always excited to talk to me. Always excited to see me. Would be devastated at the thought of not meeting me even if the plan was to just take the dogs for a walk. He could be very affectionate. Always talked about if we broke up he’d be heartbroken and couldn’t stand the thought of me not being in his life at all. We talked constantly.

How can you go from that… to silence?

I would seek help if I were you.

For some reason you are conditioned to accept such a shitty behaviour.
It's probably rooted in your childhood. I would be surprised if you told me your parents had a lovely relationship and you were a happy family.
You must have witnessed some horrible behaviour in the past (your childhood) which conditioned you into thinking that this could be a workable relationship.

Seek help to address it.
Otherwise you are at risk of having miserable relationships and a miserable life.

Also this may make me sound like a complete bitch but I’m going to say it anyway. I’m trying to remember the bad and the things I turned a blind eye too.

His self care and personal hygiene was awful. Horrifically awful. I think he brushed his teeth twice a week at most. Sometimes he’d kiss me and the taste would be rancid. He didn’t wash his clothes very often either and sometimes wore the same outfit for days at a time. He washed his hair once a week at the very most. He wore a hat to cover up the grease and to hide the rather large bald patch and thinning top. He looked ten years older than his actual age. He was shorter than me which didn’t bother me in the slightest but it bothered him! Like it was supposed to be my fault and I could change it for him. I’ll just saw my ankles off then!

Those things are the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse, op. The lovebombing and the intermittent reinforcement.

The silence, devalue and discard part of the cycle is as rewarding to him as the lovebombing part.

How can you go from that… to silence?

It's probably a new technique/he's punishing you.

He'll probably be back at some point.

The issue, however, is - that his character, behaviour and circumstances are not those that a well adjusted person would want in a partner.

It's not even a case of seeing if he improves; what he's done to date is enough to rule him out as s partner.
Behaviour like that does not come from someone who's likely to change and become ok.

The driving incidents alone ...

The contact patterns and hypocrisy.

I could go through your op and list everything that makes him an unsafe- physically and emotionally - partner.

You are just releasing the pressure valve a bit on an anonymous forum. Don't use such derogatory misogynistic language about yourself.

Bloody hell, op.

Block this lunatic on everything and contact the police or Women's Aid for advice.

He could kill you otherwise.

And get counselling URGENTLY to make sure you don't get involved with another complete dickhead like this.

You shouldn't have put up with any of this - your radar for red flags is way off.

*He was skint and so I paid for pretty much everything. He had no money and his only shoes had holes in them.

He has no friends, very little family, is about to lose his job and he has no permanent address. He’s living with a sort of relative that’s only keeping him due to the rent he’s paying.

His self care and personal hygiene was awful. Horrifically awful. I think he brushed his teeth twice a week at most. Sometimes he’d kiss me and the taste would be rancid. He didn’t wash his clothes very often either and sometimes wore the same outfit for days at a time. He washed his hair once a week at the very most. He wore a hat to cover up the grease*

He is not stable or functioning.

The driving incidents also show he's not stable.

Why is he losing his job if he worked so much?

Why does he have no friends?
(I can guess from how he treats his gf).

Why did he end up divorced after a 12 yr marriage?
(I can guess).

You are strong and you don't need a closure. You don't need to clarify anything with him. Do yourself a big favour and forget about this person, never contact him again, don't reply to his texts, don't reply to unknown numbers. You will be thankfull in a couple of months.