Relationship break up, really heartbroken *trigger warning: abuse*

[Mydogisamentalist]

Hi, I feel really stupid writing a thread like this on Christmas Eve but I’m heartbroken and I think a little bit traumatised. I know I’ve posted about this relationship before on here and I was told to run. I should have.

Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up a couple of days ago, well that’s all I can assume as it was never really clarified. I’m not handling it very well. I know I should be jumping for joy. Wtf is wrong with me!?

He could be physically abusive towards the beginning and was very emotionally abusive throughout.
I’ve never told anyone this but he threatened to kill me three times. He was driving and we were arguing about something really difficult for me. He started driving at 90-100 miles an hour, once screaming he was going to plough into the truck in front. The parking sensors were going crazy, I was terrified. Another time he did the same but into a roundabout. The third was off the side of a very high hill. That was the worst and I grabbed my phone to try and call the police. He lunged at me, pushing me into the car door and pulled it out of my hand, bending my wrist backwards in the process and really hurting me. He was holding my phone out the window, telling me he’d throw it if I didn’t ‘behave’ and I could have it back ‘when I’d calmed down’.

Everything in our relationship was on his terms. He’d disagree with that but it was. I tried so hard to care about him while also standing up for myself. He was skint and so I paid for pretty much everything. He had no money and his only shoes had holes in them so I bought him some lovely ones for Christmas. I knew he couldn’t afford to buy me anything back but I wanted him to not be uncomfortable. That’s hurting the most right now. He has those shoes that I bought with love and he clearly never cared about me if he could do what he’s done.

Which leads me to the break up. A massive bug bare for me was phone calls. He never ever answered the phone. Basically I had to wait for him to call me and if for some reason I was busy he’d never pick up if I called back. Yet he could ring constantly. There were times he’d call over and over again until I answered. Family noticed it, friends noticed it. It was like an unspoken one rule for him but another for me.
Three days ago I really wanted to talk to him. It had been a shitty morning and I just wanted some kindness (just to add, this was rare! I didn’t call all the time. I never really called him at all because it was pointless). He answered after a few tries and was a bit short and asked if he could call me back in an hour. I agreed. Two hours pass and nothing. Normally I’d just wait indefinitely but something about that day made me snap. I’d had enough of him being able to call how much and when he pleased and me living on tenterhooks over it. So I called him a few times. He texts to say he’s still busy and to stop ‘harassing’ him, he’ll call me ‘asap’. Six more hours pass and still nothing. I did send a somewhat grumpy message and then discover he’d blocked me. He’s never done this before.

I called him yesterday from a withheld number. I probably shouldn’t have but I was hurt and confused. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of breaking up with him and he didn’t want it to end. We had a conversation where he was in tears. He said that even if we did break up he’d want to be my best friend. I wouldn’t be able to stop him from calling every day and he’d still want to meet up. That he never wanted to not be a part of my life because he loved me and he’d be devastated to lose me. He’s always been quite affectionate in telling me ‘I meant everything to him’ and so on. I guess having a total 360 done to you makes you want answers.
Anyway, I mentioned this to him and he immediately said ‘I do want to be friends’. I also asked what was going on and if we were broken up (I know, I’m pathetic) and he said ‘is that what you want?’ He wouldn’t answer the question and then he hung up on me.

I’m still blocked everywhere. I haven’t tried to contact him today. He phoned me though off a with held number around noon. I answered it and he said nothing. It was weird, he waited ten seconds before hanging up.

I know this is the last thing I should be thinking about but all I want to know is if I’ll ever hear from him again. He was often awful. He could also be amazingly kind and loving. I miss him while being aware that In a few weeks I’ll probably be glad this happened… yet right now all I want is to know if he’s gone for good. He’s ruining Christmas. I can’t feel happy and I can’t think of anything else. I’m just going through the motions 😞

@Mydogisamentalist - as I said before, please, please, please get therapy. It’s only good for him to be out of your life. You need to do some incredibly serious work on yourself to understand why you kept this man in your life. It’s as if you see yourself as defined by him and don’t quite see how you exist without him. That is so deeply wrong. Please find yourself again.

On an ancillary note, I also find it very hard to understand why he was fined for omitting text from an advert if he is a graphic designer. Someone else would be liable for that, I think, not him.

I just don’t understand and all I want is to understand.

How can somebody tell you less than two weeks ago that they can’t stand the thought of breaking up, make you promise that even if the relationship did end they would still remain in your life… then block you on everything and change there number so you have no way of getting closure. How can somebody do that!?

because... he is playing mind games with you

and it is working !!!

Changing your number seems like a pretty extreme mind game. It feels more like a I’m never going to speak to you again game 😞

Sending you so much love and strength. As others have said, it’s a trauma hind. Your body is addicted to the chemicals that his behaviour releases in your body. My ex wasn’t abusive but he was emotionally unavailable and avoidant and we were caught in a cycle of having lovely close time together and then him freaking out and distancing himself. I spent the whole 20 month relationship walking on eggshells to avoid being abandoned. He did the “blocking me everywhere” thing a couple of times so I know the complete panic it sends you into - look up primal panic. In October he finally ended things properly and this time I didn’t chase him and beg for him to come back. Complete no contact is the only thing that works. Surround yourself with family and friends, try and keep yourself busy and it will get easier. I’m 8 weeks out now and mainly feel relief that my life isn’t controlled by his moods.

Like many abused women, you’re wasting your time trying to understand why the abuser abuses. Time that would be far better spent looking after yourself.
I recommend “Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and abusive men” by Lundy Bancroft. The ultimate message of the book is - this is not love. And you are worth far, far more than this.

He sounds dangerous and insane. Please get some therapy to work out why you're attracted to people like this.

Tell your mum that you've split but need help not being reeled back in.

I bet the family hate him

Yes, that book would be super helpful for you. It will really help answer a lot of the questions you have now. Here's a link to download it for free.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiXhPrKnauDAxVOQUEAHWVEDl4QFnoECDUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt

I know this is really hard but he did this because he wanted to hurt you. It's abuse in exactly the same way that all the other ways were. He's done it because he's controlling and abusive. It's not a reflection on you or what you're worth as a person. He's just a bully and a bad person.

@Mydogisamentalist
Please, please, get therapy, find a friend to talk to, post here as much as you like or whatever else you need to do to get through it, but whatever you do:

Do not contact him, and block him on everything. Also do not pick up calls from any withheld numbers - there's never any reason to do so anyway.

I had a friend with a trauma bond to her partner. Same as yours, objectively the partner was horrific in every way, and she knew it, but the trauma bond got the better of her.

The partner did all these things - changing the number to terrify her by feeling abandoned, then calling back and demanding she be available at all times. It's a tactic to break down resistance.

She killed herself because she couldn't let it go. Needed to know why they did what they did, couldn't stay out of contact. Partner obviously never going to give her honest, true answers - abusers never do, it would diminish their control.

And all the partner did was get in her head and mess it up worse and worse, until she couldn't bear it any more.

Please, listen to the consequences it can have and make sure you stay the fuck away from a very dangerous, fucked up person.

You'll never know why, but it will get better with time and distance. No contact, complete no contact from every means and at all times, is the only way you'll heal. Please.

I told my mum and she seemed happy. My mum refused to ever meet him, she had a bad feeling about him. Her first words were I’m sure he was living a double life.

I’d felt for a long time that he was lying to me about something. It’s part of the reason I wanted to break up with him, I so wanted to be wrong though. The only explanation that I can think of that both makes sense and ties up all the weird loose ends is he was a junkie. Other people have suggested it to me when I’ve described the way he acts but when you know someone it feels hard to believe. Looking objectively now I can see it.

He’s had slight problems with heroin in the past. The end of last year he had a major health issue and got prescribed strong painkillers. He’s gradually declined since then. Extremely thin, poor hygiene, bones popping out (I’m not joking, a phone hit him at a gig and his wrist bone popped out), cold all the time, sometimes he’d just vomit in the street, NEVER HAVING ANY MONEY and sometimes he’d send a selfie and he’d just look high. I put it down to his weird eyes but last week he sent me one and he just looked off his face. I asked him and he denied it obviously.

There was a weird instance that I forgot about from earlier in the year that would point to this as well but that would take me forever to type out.

He’s had slight problems with heroin in the past.

Slight problems with heroin.

Who goes near heroin in the first place, to have a "slight" problem with it.

I was wondering if he's a gambler, but junkie is an even more likely explanation.

His finances and his lack of self care and extreme behaviour would fit.

*The end of last year he had a major health issue and got prescribed strong painkillers. He’s gradually declined since then. Extremely thin, poor hygiene, bones popping out (I’m not joking, a phone hit him at a gig and his wrist bone popped out), cold all the time, sometimes he’d just vomit in the street, NEVER HAVING ANY MONEY and sometimes he’d send a selfie and he’d just look high. I put it down to his weird eyes but last week he sent me one and he just looked off his face. I asked him and he denied it obviously.

There was a weird instance that I forgot about from earlier in the year that would point to this as well*

Sounds extremely likely.

So why let a trauma bond with a broke, dirty, abusive junkie distress you in this way. It's a waste of your precious time. 31 is the time to focus on finding a decent partner of you'd like a family. He's not a decent partner, so he's disqualified.
It really doesn't matter who appears to do the ending/discarding .... I wouldn't waste any time thinking about it. I'd just be glad he's fucked off without harassing you like he said he would and felt entitled to do. That sounded unstable/abusive too.

It also looks highly likely that the fines excuse for some of his financial situation is a lie.

That user seemed fairly clued in and said the designer would not be fined, the company would.

If he lost jobs over not including things or being rude to clients or not delivering (likely) that's on him.
And probably due to his substance abuse.

But he really likes a whipping boy/scape goat/another way to abuse someone so ... He had to twist it into another stick to beat you with.

Btw he'll probably be back ... When he's run through any other options he has.

Yeah, the weight loss, feeling cold and random vomiting thing would fit in with heroin use.

(Memories of an ex friend with a habit casually vomiting in litter bins in the street. She'd got pretty good at it- quick and discreet 🙄)

Fixating on individuals like this is masochism and also totally irrational.

The question is not "why does this loser/weirdo/abuser not seem to want me"; it's "he's a loser/weirdo/abuser and that would be why he wouldn't want to settle with a decent person, that's why his behaviour is like this".

As a poster above said - this sort of reckless, sociopathic, narcissistic, addictive, malevolent, unstable type of man will destroy a woman who gets caught up in the whys of why he's like that, why he won't commit to her, why he treats her poorly.

She makes it all about her, when it's actually all about him.
There is a fine line between insecurity and ego. Sometimes you get caught up.in "how could he not want me, how could he not love me, how could he not change for me" .... That's futile and is actually a type of ego.

They don't, end of story. It's the way it is. If they were a well adjusted, sensible person - yes, it stings - but you still have to accept not everyone falls for you (and vice versa), but with them being an unstable, dysfunctional, abusive loser ..... Seriously, why even bother. You have your reasons for their behaviour, and even if you didn't - they're not worth wasting your time or emotion over.

This type is not capable of real love.

Focus on meeting other people.
Half way normal people.

I’m really questioning everything. I think he lied a lot but was so up his own arse he didn’t think he’d be caught. I mostly trusted him too… up until a week and a half ago when he claimed to be flying home from working away only to discover the flight he claimed to be on didn’t exist. He still tried to make out that he had just landed and I was crazy for a good fifteen minutes though. Then it was my fault for not trusting him and checking up on him. Then it was begging me not to break up with him over it.

The more I write on this thread the more it reminds me how ridiculous this is. I’m confused and I’m hurt and I have moments of utter despair. He’s just vanished into thin air and I can’t help but be worried. The day all this kicked off he was very weird on the phone and I had this huge gut instinct that something was wrong. He’s an utter arsehole but this behaviour really isn’t him. This time last week I was sat with him in a pub and everything was normal. I can’t shake the feeling that something has happened.

But… I also feel like I’ll be ok. There are things I’ve been desperate to do for a while and now I’m thinking forward… being able to do them because I’m not paying for him anymore. Like learning to drive. I’ve always been scared of doing it but I feel like it’s time. Also just spending money on myself again without having to budget dates with him into it. Not everyone’s cup of tea but I love tattoos. Have over 30 of them. Maybe I’ll be able to get some of the bigger pieces I’ve wanted for ages next year because I won’t be paying for him.

I am really trying to focus on positives. I’m not ok but I’m really hoping I will be soon.

Of course he's a drug addict. Workaholic but never has any money. Literal holes in his footwear. No hygiene. All his money is being ploughed into something and it's not wining and dining other women is it because he is repulsive and no one would want to go anywhere near him. Honestly read back everything you've written about him here. If almost killing you isn't a wake up call, can you at least harness enough disgust about this vile man as to let him go as happily as you'd let go of shit on your shoe.

It sounds like you're getting there op.

You may have little staggers but that's just the way it is recovering from a relationship.

If you can see the light now, imagine where you could be be in a few months.

I’m as certain as I can be that it wasn’t an other woman he was hiding! He has erectile dysfunction. It doesn’t work at all. Viagra doesn’t work either. It’s dead as a dodo down there. He told me it was medical and he’s on a waiting list for surgery to fix it that he’s due to have in February but who knows!
I’m not 100% sure but doesn’t heroin use cause erectile dysfunction?

Actually if anyone medical reads this… is what he claims actually medically possible? He had a heart attack. He claims the medication he was given after the attack (it may have been pain relief or something else. I can’t remember) had a rare side effect of causing a mass in the groin area. So effectively there’s a blockage stopping blood from flowing into the penis. Once the blockage is removed in February he will be totally functioning again, so he said. It seemed far fetched when he told me but i’m not medical so maybe he was being truthful.

He’s also terrible in bed. Won’t do oral, it physically repulses him and his ahem fingers get tired if he spends more than 30 seconds prodding you like he’s trying to change the channel.

Op, you have nothing more than domestic abuse withdrawal. You have got so used to it it now feels better to be mistreated than being ignored.

Hang in there, it will hurt and it may hurt for weeks or months but eventually, as with all bad drugs, you will get out of this horrible addiction, life will look much better and one day you will look back and won’t be able to understand how you put up with so much abuse and violence.

As with any addiction, you will find it difficult. Accept all help that comes your way, opening up allows people near you to know you need them and I’m sure many will be happy to support you through this.

Talk your GP and ask to be put in the waiting list for counselling (or get the free counselling sessions many employers offer over the phone. Consider also ADs, they can help you to deal with the pain and anxiety while the counselling sessions materialise.

Take good care of yourself, don’t think this is going to last forever, it is just a hangover you need to go though before you feel better.

When I reported it to the police earlier in the year it triggered some kind of multi agency meeting. There was a woman who was extremely persistent. I wouldn’t answer her calls, so she turned up at the house. When she turned up at the house she made me agree to a meeting in a local cafe. She was some kind of employee of the courts for domestic abuse. She made sure you were referred for all the help and took my views back to the multi agency meeting.

Anyway she referred me for counselling and I turned it down. They sent out a letter though saying I could change my mind at any time. I’ve kept the letter and I’ll give them a call after Christmas. I hate talking about feelings in person but maybe it will help.

I don't know about actual physical function but smack plays havoc with the libido.

Hmmm, it was definitely more of a physical issue. He’d try, nothing would happen, then he’d be in pain. He tried once with a type of viagra he clearly didn’t agree with and it brought on this episode which terrified me. I thought he was going to have another heart attack.