Relationship break up, really heartbroken *trigger warning: abuse*

[Mydogisamentalist]

Hi, I feel really stupid writing a thread like this on Christmas Eve but I’m heartbroken and I think a little bit traumatised. I know I’ve posted about this relationship before on here and I was told to run. I should have.

Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up a couple of days ago, well that’s all I can assume as it was never really clarified. I’m not handling it very well. I know I should be jumping for joy. Wtf is wrong with me!?

He could be physically abusive towards the beginning and was very emotionally abusive throughout.
I’ve never told anyone this but he threatened to kill me three times. He was driving and we were arguing about something really difficult for me. He started driving at 90-100 miles an hour, once screaming he was going to plough into the truck in front. The parking sensors were going crazy, I was terrified. Another time he did the same but into a roundabout. The third was off the side of a very high hill. That was the worst and I grabbed my phone to try and call the police. He lunged at me, pushing me into the car door and pulled it out of my hand, bending my wrist backwards in the process and really hurting me. He was holding my phone out the window, telling me he’d throw it if I didn’t ‘behave’ and I could have it back ‘when I’d calmed down’.

Everything in our relationship was on his terms. He’d disagree with that but it was. I tried so hard to care about him while also standing up for myself. He was skint and so I paid for pretty much everything. He had no money and his only shoes had holes in them so I bought him some lovely ones for Christmas. I knew he couldn’t afford to buy me anything back but I wanted him to not be uncomfortable. That’s hurting the most right now. He has those shoes that I bought with love and he clearly never cared about me if he could do what he’s done.

Which leads me to the break up. A massive bug bare for me was phone calls. He never ever answered the phone. Basically I had to wait for him to call me and if for some reason I was busy he’d never pick up if I called back. Yet he could ring constantly. There were times he’d call over and over again until I answered. Family noticed it, friends noticed it. It was like an unspoken one rule for him but another for me.
Three days ago I really wanted to talk to him. It had been a shitty morning and I just wanted some kindness (just to add, this was rare! I didn’t call all the time. I never really called him at all because it was pointless). He answered after a few tries and was a bit short and asked if he could call me back in an hour. I agreed. Two hours pass and nothing. Normally I’d just wait indefinitely but something about that day made me snap. I’d had enough of him being able to call how much and when he pleased and me living on tenterhooks over it. So I called him a few times. He texts to say he’s still busy and to stop ‘harassing’ him, he’ll call me ‘asap’. Six more hours pass and still nothing. I did send a somewhat grumpy message and then discover he’d blocked me. He’s never done this before.

I called him yesterday from a withheld number. I probably shouldn’t have but I was hurt and confused. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of breaking up with him and he didn’t want it to end. We had a conversation where he was in tears. He said that even if we did break up he’d want to be my best friend. I wouldn’t be able to stop him from calling every day and he’d still want to meet up. That he never wanted to not be a part of my life because he loved me and he’d be devastated to lose me. He’s always been quite affectionate in telling me ‘I meant everything to him’ and so on. I guess having a total 360 done to you makes you want answers.
Anyway, I mentioned this to him and he immediately said ‘I do want to be friends’. I also asked what was going on and if we were broken up (I know, I’m pathetic) and he said ‘is that what you want?’ He wouldn’t answer the question and then he hung up on me.

I’m still blocked everywhere. I haven’t tried to contact him today. He phoned me though off a with held number around noon. I answered it and he said nothing. It was weird, he waited ten seconds before hanging up.

I know this is the last thing I should be thinking about but all I want to know is if I’ll ever hear from him again. He was often awful. He could also be amazingly kind and loving. I miss him while being aware that In a few weeks I’ll probably be glad this happened… yet right now all I want is to know if he’s gone for good. He’s ruining Christmas. I can’t feel happy and I can’t think of anything else. I’m just going through the motions 😞

maybe it could be some sort of thrombus from an injection site
doubt the heart attack story
Please get away he has nothing that would keep you there - quite often these awful toxic relationships have something half good about them some of the time, even if it’s just the sex
you need to get away

Anyway she referred me for counselling and I turned it down. They sent out a letter though saying I could change my mind at any time. I’ve kept the letter and I’ll give them a call after Christmas. I hate talking about feelings in person but maybe it will help.

Chances are it will.

Can i ask what is your relationship like with your dad?

I’m really struggling this morning. I can’t stop crying and my mind keeps jumping too what if it’s just a case of he met someone else? Usually the most simple explanations are the right ones and that would explain changing your number and just disappearing into thin air.

That would upset me the most too. It’s the one explanation that I’ve tried to push out of my mind as much as possible. After everything I did for him, he’d just replace me without so much as a second glance.

Reread your own posts in the thread. Step out of yourself a bit and say what you would say to a friend who was with such an awful man to yourself.

Spend today doing nice things with family or friends, exercise, distract yourself.

Please get some professional help for yourself. You need help to separate yourself from your entanglement with this man. If you don’t learn how to avoid this type of relationship you are in real danger of being targeted by another abusive man because believe me they can spot you from across the street.
It’s like you are walking around with a target painted on your coat that says ‘kick me’. All the abusers can see it and you need to learn how to not wear that coat.

Of course you're going to have those thoughts because you are in that trauma bond and even though your mind knows better it plays these horrible tricks on you until you have counselling to break the cycle.

After everything I did for him, he’d just replace me without so much as a second glance.

If he did, that would just be a reflection of his character.

Anyway. ... What a lucky lucky women she'd be; she'd have a boyfriend who;

Is probably a junkie
Has past issues with heroin (!)
Has randomly vomited in the street
Doesn't wash regularly
Barely brushes his teeth. & has terrible breath
Barely washes his clothes
Wears shoes with holes
Can't hold down a decent job
Is aggressive to clients - the people he needs to give him work and recommend him
Is in debt
His explanation for some of his debt doesnt make sense, is apparently lies (the fines)
Uses whoever he's seeing for money, is a leech
Has erectile dysfunction
Has an extremely demanding, harassing style of "communication" but will leave whoever he's seeing unread/unanswered/ignore them when it suits him - you know he's behaved like this in his most significant previous relationship too.
His marriage broke down and I think we can guess some of the reasons why - none of which are his ex's fault
He has threatened your life by driving extremely dangerously on three occasions and removed your only means of help (phone)
He confirmed he'd act the same way if the circumstances were repeated
Professionals have recognised that he is abusive and tried their utmost to get you to engage with help.
Your Mum did not like the sound of him at all and didn't want to meet him.

So why does it matter if he's met someone else (I can't see anything lasting long with the way he is)??!!

He's not relationship material.; Does it matter how or why he's gone, he's gone. That's reason to crack open a bottle of champagne and get a party dance playlist on.

He's useless, pointless, he's actually dangerous.

You presumably want to be in a decent relationship and maybe have a family in the future. This guy is not material for that. And I'd seriously doubt he'll ever be. There is something wrong with him. Be glad he's gone, go NC, get the counselling and live your life.

I should add, I don't think he's actually gone.

He's probably just on a bender.

Benders tend to happen around the holidays.

Substance abusers see the holidays as the ultimate reason/context for indulging their habit - hence the relationships forum is currently covered in threads with alcoholic husbands and partners who've fallen off the wagon/gone AWOL/gone on a bender.

But he needs to be gone.

You need to take this opportunity to get rid of him and recover and move on. You are just, at best, wasting your precious time, at worst you could end up in very poor mental health. Some posters on here have shared the worst that happened to women they know in trauma bond, abusive relationships, it was probably quite painful for them; they were trying to help you. Maybe you won't end up dead at his hands, maybe you won't end up killing yourself due to spiralling downward me tal health, but the best case scenario here is that you continue to be tortured in a shitty "relationship" indefinitely, with a man you'd have to be certifiably insane to have kids with; so they'll either be subjected to the torture too or you'll miss out on a decent relationship and kids.

Incidentally I also wouldn't be touching a junkie, with past heroin issues, without condoms. And you can't have kids while using condoms; so he's useless if you'd like a family in future too. (He's also fkg terrible potential father material).

Op, try to stop over thinking this, the more time you spend thinking about him the more YOU will hurt yourself.

Try to distract yourself whatever it takes, watch a movie, meet with your family, go for a walk, do exercise from a video online, whatever. You are not going to go from all tears and drama to be happy in a day. You are not going to stop loving him suddenly just because you want to. Accept you will love him until you don’t but keep the distance, you don’t want to force such dangerous jerk back ruining your life until he kills you.

You also generally need to examine why you think you should be constantly/repeatedly giving and supporting in a relationship.

(And from that, that you'll get you a good relationship; that you'll get appreciation, respect and reciprocity).

Clearly, with many people, you won't. He's a prime example.

There's also the putting up with unacceptable behaviour. Like the dangerous driving, the leeching money, the lack of hygiene, the shit sex life (even taking ED into account), the blaming you for his lack of professionalism in work, the stressful, unreasonable communication habits etc.

Yes, this is something you may want to explore on your own or with a counselour, the why you insist in risking your life to “rescue” a man who doesn’t want you to save/change/rescue him. It is not for you to fix lives of nasty people over which you have no control or influence.

I believe as well the reason he treats you so badly is because he knows how little he has to offer a decent partner but believes you are worth even less than him because you take whatever shite he throws at you. Hold back really, whatever you do to gain him back is going to make him think even less of you.

I can’t stop crying and my mind keeps jumping too what if it’s just a case of he met someone else?

That's not the simplest answer, tbh.

A man like him is highly unlikely to easily find someone else. Seriously, what's the attraction? Unkempt, greasy, bad breath, erectile dysfunction, crap in bed, treats you like shit ... all this hardly makes him a catch. Anyone who DOES go for all this ... like you ... requires a complicated introspective analysis of why!

If he has found someone else, you are well rid.

But he most likely hasn't. He is most likely enjoying knowing you're fretting and miserable over Christmas. He knows he can swan back when he chooses. He knows he can twist the knife further by telling you it was YOUR fault he was absent. He can punish you for that too.

And there'll be a next time. But then the boiling frog analogy demands he turns the temperature up a bit to get a response from you because by now you've got accustomed to that level of abuse. So he'll dial it up.

Then one day you'll be dead and he'll be in jail. OR, he'll be casting around for his next victim.

The simplest answer is he's a filthy disgusting abusive prick. Why are you trying to read more into it than that?

The meeting would have been a MARAC, a multi agency risk assessment meeting. They are held to share information and to protect very high risk victims of domestic abuse. So thank goodness there is already a big red flag and agencies are looking out for you - in a good way! The persistent woman was an IDVA, an independent domestic violence adviser, sounds like she did a good job.
It is only because you’ve been completely brainwashed that you care anything about this “man”. If I sat down to list the most repellent, obnoxious qualities anyone could have, I’d be listing his.
Well done for starting to get your life back, it will be tough without a doubt but so, so worth it.
Talking it through with someone who knows how abuse works and what it does to people, and who will listen and not judge you, can make a massive difference. Do make that call 🌷

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this horrendous relationship and been spat out the other side.

I have had relationships like that in the past and because for me it was a 'pattern' I had to do a lot of recovery work to get myself well.

Please be clear, this man is 100% dangerous and an abuser. I appreciate you're all enmeshed in the details and the hopes of romance and the intensity of it all but that's how they hook you in.

You need to stay far far away from him for the rest of your life. Let that idea sink in and fully accept it. You need to work on disconnecting yourself from the idea of the relationship and grieving it and letting it go, it's never going to happen, it was never real in the first place. Take your own closure.

You've been through a cycle of extreme psychological abuse and trauma and now you're in pain. It's going to hurt for a while but now it's time to get some help, share your story with someone supportive like a counsellor or a listening project or a kindly friend or relative if you have one. You are going to have to learn to live again, healthily, with self care, looking after yourself, calmly, peacefully, and lovingly. Maybe you've never known that, I hadn't, but you CAN know it and it can be your future. Small steps. But it's over.

When most relationships of this magnitude of abuse end, you're lucky to get away with your life intact or all your limbs in one piece or your money still in the bank. Many women are murdered, maimed, or robbed. This man was dangerous and is an abuser, make no mistake. You've had a lucky escape. Stay free and be well.

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words and advice. Also thank you to everyone who posted personal experiences of family members and friends who sadly lost their lives to these monsters. I understand that must have been difficult and i’ve read everything and taken it all on board.

An update. He called off a withheld number claiming it’s a colleague’s phone. Apparently after he blocked me on everything he smashed his phone and now can’t reverse anything until he can get to the phone shop.
He disappeared because he needed time to ‘think’ after my behaviour. Me calling him stressed him out. He was in meetings that ran over where he was getting told off and he couldn’t take anymore and needed time. He still won’t accept that I was only behaving how he has to me for a year and a half.

I am well aware that this is bullshit and he did it to punish and hurt me for ‘stepping out of line’. What a calculating evil git to do it over Christmas!
I’m pretty sure I can guess what his plan was because he’s done versions of it in the past. Block me to frighten me, come back and confirm the break up but insist that we stay friends where nothing really changes. Expect me to beg to get back together for a few weeks and then ‘take me back’ when he feels he’s punished me enough.

I told him clearly that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him again. He actually sounded a bit blindsided by this. His response made me laugh though! He said ‘you deserve better than me and I deserve better than you’. I asked what he meant by that… ‘you need someone who can give you more time than I can and I need someone who understands that I need to work constantly to survive’.
I didn’t argue because it’s pointless but I was hardly demanding! I objected to how little time we were spending together. Two weeks out of every month I’d see him for 4 hours a week. I’d meet him after he finished work in the city closest to him. I don’t drive so it would be a five hour round trip for me which cost a fortune. Then usually I’d pay for everything as well. The next week it would be two nights a week, one of which he’d come to where I lived but only because his one remaining friend (more like acquaintance) worked close to me and he’d give him a bit of petrol money for it. Then he’d complain about having to pay petrol money. It was very rare I’d spend a full day with him and when it did happen he’d be upset about how much money he was losing for it.

The conversation ended with him insisting he still wants to be friends. He still wants to be able to call and text and meet up. He still wants to be in my life and ‘never wants to loose me’. He wanted confirmation that whatever happened ‘we’d be ok, won’t we?’.

I haven’t heard from him since and I’ve actually stopped caring as much. I’d almost pinned some hope on the disappearance being for a legitimate reason. Involved in an accident, broken phone, trapped in the middle of nowhere, alien invasion where an unidentified species tried to steal his brain before realising he doesn’t have one. Knowing that it was just your garden narcissistic abusive behaviour has made me loose the last bit of want, hope and respect for him that I had.

That sounds positive.

Please end all dialogue with him now. Take control.

You know now for sure he was just game-playing and never had any real intention of ending contact: there's no doubt about how he is or who he is.

This is your opportunity to take your power back.

He's not your friend. It doesn't matter if you agreed to stay in contact, you do not have to stick to that.

Close the door to him mentally in all ways and cut him out of your life for good.

Now you need to block the fucker and go no contact. You'd be insane to keep being part of his life.

You don't need a 'friend' who treats you like this. The man is toxic.

Block

I knew he'd be back when he thought he'd caused enough damage. So convenient that it was over a holiday where he would have been expected to be especially nice too, right?

I'm really glad you're seeing his behaviour for what it is. Congratulations are in order!

Hope you're feeling a little bit better from not letting him control you x

Brilliant! Well done. You’re starting to see through him now.
Expect him to up the ante now, possibly up to and including suicide threats or even halfhearted “attempts” .
I heard of an abusive man once who when his partner finally saw the light, threatened to nail himself to her front door on Christmas Day. Because by that time everyone knew what he was, people just laughed.
Time of maximum risk though when you’re ending a relationship with a guy who will now be desperate. Be careful of your personal safety, don’t fall for any of the yarns he’ll spin you now, and consider making a statement to the police so that they can put additional safety measures in place.

Knowing that it was just your garden narcissistic abusive behaviour has made me loose the last bit of want, hope and respect for him that I had.

👆

Keep reminding yourself of this and ask if this is how you define friendship. I hope you've blocked the smelly scrote on all your devices and never speak to him again. Move on and up.

where an unidentified species tried to steal his brain before realising he doesn’t have one

😂

Brilliant.

He doesn't have any friends because he's a shit friend and person.

So why would you want to be his friend.

He probably leeches off anyone who's his "friend", he was leeching off you.
He also wants immediate attention and contact when he wants it, but doesn't give that if he doesn't feel like it - which generally doesn't make for good, equal friendships.

Generally if also not try to maintain a friendship with someone who threatened to kill me through dangerous driving. Three times. I'm fussy like that. They would generally go into the "psycho" file, not the friend file.

Anyway exes being friends almost never works out, and it definitely wouldn't work out with his personality.

The conversation ended with him insisting he still wants to be friends. He still wants to be able to call and text and meet up. He still wants to be in my life and ‘never wants to loose me’. He wanted confirmation that whatever happened ‘we’d be ok, won’t we?’

Sounds like he wants "supply".

Whether that's attention or a financial backup for to his (drug related?) and work incompetence related financial issues.