Relationship break up, really heartbroken *trigger warning: abuse*

[Mydogisamentalist]

Hi, I feel really stupid writing a thread like this on Christmas Eve but I’m heartbroken and I think a little bit traumatised. I know I’ve posted about this relationship before on here and I was told to run. I should have.

Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up a couple of days ago, well that’s all I can assume as it was never really clarified. I’m not handling it very well. I know I should be jumping for joy. Wtf is wrong with me!?

He could be physically abusive towards the beginning and was very emotionally abusive throughout.
I’ve never told anyone this but he threatened to kill me three times. He was driving and we were arguing about something really difficult for me. He started driving at 90-100 miles an hour, once screaming he was going to plough into the truck in front. The parking sensors were going crazy, I was terrified. Another time he did the same but into a roundabout. The third was off the side of a very high hill. That was the worst and I grabbed my phone to try and call the police. He lunged at me, pushing me into the car door and pulled it out of my hand, bending my wrist backwards in the process and really hurting me. He was holding my phone out the window, telling me he’d throw it if I didn’t ‘behave’ and I could have it back ‘when I’d calmed down’.

Everything in our relationship was on his terms. He’d disagree with that but it was. I tried so hard to care about him while also standing up for myself. He was skint and so I paid for pretty much everything. He had no money and his only shoes had holes in them so I bought him some lovely ones for Christmas. I knew he couldn’t afford to buy me anything back but I wanted him to not be uncomfortable. That’s hurting the most right now. He has those shoes that I bought with love and he clearly never cared about me if he could do what he’s done.

Which leads me to the break up. A massive bug bare for me was phone calls. He never ever answered the phone. Basically I had to wait for him to call me and if for some reason I was busy he’d never pick up if I called back. Yet he could ring constantly. There were times he’d call over and over again until I answered. Family noticed it, friends noticed it. It was like an unspoken one rule for him but another for me.
Three days ago I really wanted to talk to him. It had been a shitty morning and I just wanted some kindness (just to add, this was rare! I didn’t call all the time. I never really called him at all because it was pointless). He answered after a few tries and was a bit short and asked if he could call me back in an hour. I agreed. Two hours pass and nothing. Normally I’d just wait indefinitely but something about that day made me snap. I’d had enough of him being able to call how much and when he pleased and me living on tenterhooks over it. So I called him a few times. He texts to say he’s still busy and to stop ‘harassing’ him, he’ll call me ‘asap’. Six more hours pass and still nothing. I did send a somewhat grumpy message and then discover he’d blocked me. He’s never done this before.

I called him yesterday from a withheld number. I probably shouldn’t have but I was hurt and confused. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of breaking up with him and he didn’t want it to end. We had a conversation where he was in tears. He said that even if we did break up he’d want to be my best friend. I wouldn’t be able to stop him from calling every day and he’d still want to meet up. That he never wanted to not be a part of my life because he loved me and he’d be devastated to lose me. He’s always been quite affectionate in telling me ‘I meant everything to him’ and so on. I guess having a total 360 done to you makes you want answers.
Anyway, I mentioned this to him and he immediately said ‘I do want to be friends’. I also asked what was going on and if we were broken up (I know, I’m pathetic) and he said ‘is that what you want?’ He wouldn’t answer the question and then he hung up on me.

I’m still blocked everywhere. I haven’t tried to contact him today. He phoned me though off a with held number around noon. I answered it and he said nothing. It was weird, he waited ten seconds before hanging up.

I know this is the last thing I should be thinking about but all I want to know is if I’ll ever hear from him again. He was often awful. He could also be amazingly kind and loving. I miss him while being aware that In a few weeks I’ll probably be glad this happened… yet right now all I want is to know if he’s gone for good. He’s ruining Christmas. I can’t feel happy and I can’t think of anything else. I’m just going through the motions 😞

I told him clearly that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him again. He actually sounded a bit blindsided by this

Yes, he thought he was going to push, pull you indefinitely.

you deserve better than me and I deserve better than you’.

Well one part of that statement is correct.

I asked what he meant by that… ‘you need someone who can give you more time than I can and I need someone who understands that I need to work constantly to survive’.

No-one in a developed country needs to work constantly to survive.

In fact, I've lived in developing countries and plenty of people there weren't working constantly to survive either.

His problem is that, possibly due to drug abuse, possibly due to his disordered personality etc - he probably manages his time really poorly, he's making major errors, he's unreliable, his work is poor quality . . And on top of all that he's obnoxious, rude, and inappropriate to clients. You also mentioned him rashly quitting one job and expecting to be taken back, which he wasn't.

That's why his employment is sketchy, that's why why his income isnt great.

I know a couple of graphic designers/web develops one of them bought a flat in Surbiton, made a load of money when he sold it, bought a half million house in Hertfordshire, seems to be a stable, kind partner to his wife (whom I know him though). He doesn't work crazy hours and he has to take time off sometimes due to chronic health condition.
Another one I know did perfectly fine for years in England and came back here (NI) and bought a nice home with her husband, changed career because there's not much design work here etc.

He also appears to have a lot of debt, which is why he's struggling.

(And he appears to be lying a out the cause of some if it).

These things are down to his behaviour and ars his responsibility. It's not down to other people to accept unreasonable behaviour and hypocritical behaviour (you better get back to me immediately but I'll not get back to you if I'm busy, I'm always busier than you, my work is always more important than yours"etc.

Btw, occasionally you'll get a person with an extremely extremely demanding job who might be snowed under eg medics, bankers, CEOs. Their partners might have to tolerate some unavailability (though the good ones will still try to fit in a quick but of communication) ...the thing about them is that there is a balance, financially anyway, for their extreme workload - and their partner benefits from that financial side. He is broke, leeching off you, wearing shoes with holes, resents petrol money, is generally like a tramp, so ...... Why the fk would you put up with his crazy expectations and rules around contact.

He does know that he could have removed the SIM card from the phone he decided to smash up and put it into a cheap phone for around £10 ? if not less !

Stupid lying child.

he smashed his phone

More highly stable, reasonable, mature behaviour.

As the poster above said; he really couldn't get a cheap/spare handset somewhere during that time.

I don't think I believe him anyway.

I think it's the usual blame game.

"I made mistakes in work because of you" ....mm no, you're sloppy, disorganised, probably high/recovering from being high and unprofessional.
And outside of that job, you've thrown your head like a toddler and resigned and not got the job back and you're rude to clients.

He also appears to have lied about the fines.

"I cut you off so you could think about your bad behaviour (wagging finger at you)".

More like he wanted free, uninterrupted time to get high/go on a bender. Or do whatever the fuck he does

But as usual he's trying to twist it to blame you for his absence.

This sort of thing reminds me a little bit of my sister's ex - a real specimen - he was in the army and was away over Christmas & NY. She waited all NY for a happy NY phone call, nothing. I think she tried phoning him, no answer.
Next day she got a hold of him and he told her he'd caught the flu she had before he left and was laid up, feeling terrible/she'd given him the flu essentially. She was glad to have an explanation and felt bad. Though probably still had some suspicion due to his previous behaviour (a lot).

Months later he was wearing a logo'd t-shirt of some type and someone asked where he'd got it and he blurted without thinking; "oh they were giving them out as promotional freebie in X bar on NYE.

He'd always try to twist any AWOL incident or any bad behaviour back on her and make out it was her fault/responsibility and try to get some guilt going. They are a type. Narcissist maybe. Sociopath. He had no friends either.

claiming it’s a colleague’s phone

Or fellow user's.

I'm also generally rather curious about how someone who's been married for 12 years (?) so presumably sharing living expenses for 12 years, and who presumably had a clean break divorce (because no kids and probably no spousal support); has ended up not only broke ,but in debt.

I’m nearly 100% sure why he’s (mostly) gone off grid this week. He’d never admit to it but I’ve had suspicions for a while.

I think he’s been lying to me about his family. Last Christmas him and his family stayed in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere for Christmas. His older sister and his mum are very controlling (apple and tree come to mind…) and they don’t like me at all. His mum tried to control me and force me to do something that wasn’t her place. His older sister took her side and then Christmas last year there was a massive falling out where his mum basically told him it’s me or her.

Since then he’s claimed there’s been no contact with his mum and very little from his older sister. Claimed he lives in a relative of his younger sisters house with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if it started out this way but I’ve long suspected that he actually lives with his older sister and he’s hiding our relationship from her and their mum.
Things like he’d only ever call from inside the house if nobody bar his younger sister was in. Very open about our relationship with his boss, colleagues, younger sister, at work etc but really didn’t like me tagging him in anything online in case his mum and older sister would see and give him grief for it. If he was skint and needed money urgently… like a vet bill… he’d suddenly have it saying his sisters relative lent it to him but that seemed very improbable to me. That’s the kind of thing a mum does… not your younger sisters aunty whose no relation of yours!

Anyway I think he’s gone to that log cabin again with family for Christmas but he can’t tell me because then he’d have to own up to the lies. I think he was travelling up there the day I called him and he panicked. Realised that it was going to be harder to conceal than he thought and decided to create a big drama so he’d have an excuse to block me for a week.

He’s been really sketchy about this week for a while. Not wanting to make plans, claiming he was working every day other than Christmas Day. Then I went Christmas shopping with him last week and he told me he needed to buy a Christmas present for his younger sister and his sisters relative. He picked up two of exactly the same candles and said he’d give them both to his sister. Odd. Then he found a ramen bowl, the kind with built in chopsticks but there was only one left. Said he needed two for the aunty. I questioned why, ‘because she likes dinner parties and she wouldn’t appreciate a dinner party with one bowl’. I’m just stood there thinking surely you’d need more than two as well!
Penny dropped when he disappeared. He’s buying gifts for his two sisters and he wanted them to have the same. Hence the needing two of the same candles and two of the same bowls. The hanging up on me all the time… family member walking in. The signal was really bad, like he was far away. The last time the signal was like that he was in the log cabin last year. Not being able to call back after an hour like he said… assumed he’d be there by then but they stopped somewhere.

The divorce was messy. His ex wife was extremely angry and I can’t say I blame her. She wanted to take him for everything. I remember him having to go to some court ordered mediation to divide assets because she’d stated there was domestic abuse.

There was an incident that he told me about at the beginning of our relationship. She’d reported him to the police and he was arrested while she was hospitalised. He told me that she was in hospital for a routine surgery but she lied and claimed he broke her ribs. Later in the relationship he admitted that she really did break her ribs but it was an accident. A fight got out of hand sort of thing.

Anyway the divorce was dragging, he realised she wasn’t going to stop until she got everything and he signed it all over to her. That’s what he tells me anyway… I’m sure the reality is vastly different.

I would like to point out that I know that should have been a massive red flag. Practically giant red bunting but he told me it wasn’t true, she was lying and crazy.

And at the time she did seem to be acting crazy and he could prove this as well. Obviously I now completely understand why she was acting like that and it’s justified. She put up with 12 years of it, I did a year and a half and feel traumatised.

I feel and wish nothing but happiness for her. She got out with nearly all of the marital assets. She’s extremely talented and has built herself a successful career after the marriage. She’s sounds bloody amazing!

There's definitely some truth in that. Quite a scary truth too. He's admitted to you that he physically abused his ex wife. And he's also explained that in his mind, he considers it justified. To him, it wasn't him beating up his wife and putting her in hospital. No, it was just a casual little fight that ended up getting out of hand, like any number of husbands are having with their crazy, naughty wives up and down the country! He probably blames her for fighting back or trying to get away from him so he had to accidentally break her ribs.

And that's what he feels comfortable enough with his conscience enough to admit. What else is there that he's convinced himself was totally justified that he thinks won't make him look good if he talks about?

That dig about you being needy and unsupportive of his work was manipulative too. He's suggesting that you'd have no problems in the relationship if you didn't have emotional needs and he didn't have any responsibilities towards you. I'm sure that's just how he sees it too.

Absolutely textbook abusive behaviour. He's genuinely terrifying, isn't he?

I wonder if the police knew his history and that was why they went full bore at trying to protect you?

I believed that she must have been lying about the broken ribs at the beginning because it just seemed so… improbable.

He’s a very small, very weedy man. 5’4, maybe 5’5 at a push. He’s terribly thin, truly the thinnest man I’ve ever seen. Tmi but I remember when we had sex before the erectile dysfunction, he didn’t actually have the stamina to go on top.

Then the car incident happened and I realised that he could be stronger than he looked when he wanted to be.

It’s a really sobering thought that I don’t feel like I actually knew him. I have memories of this weak, almost pathetic man. Memories of this abusive, violent manipulator. Memories of begging him to tell me what he was hiding and him making me feel like I was going crazy. Then memories of cuddling up with him in the cinema. Memories of falling asleep on his chest watching shitty tv. Memories of him trying to fix all the problems and telling me he just wanted to make me happy. Memories of him saying he wanted to marry me and be with me forever. Memories of him telling me he loved me. It’s like he was 100 different people at different times.

I remember him having to go to some court ordered mediation to divide assets because she’d stated there was domestic abuse

You don't say.

The man who said he'd kill you in a car 3 times and drove extremely dangerously and held your phone out the window and nearly injured your wrist wrestling it off you.

Surely not

There was an incident that he told me about at the beginning of our relationship. She’d reported him to the police and he was arrested while she was hospitalised. He told me that she was in hospital for a routine surgery but she lied and claimed he broke her ribs. Later in the relationship he admitted that she really did break her ribs but it was an accident. A fight got out of hand sort of thing

Omfg.

*She wanted to take him for everything.

Anyway the divorce was dragging, he realised she wasn’t going to stop until she got everything and he signed it all over to her. That’s what he tells me anyway… I’m sure the reality is vastly different.*

Yes, I think you were told a crock of shit.

I think he’s been lying to me about his family.

i was going with bender due to previous heroin use and your thoughts about his recent drug/painkiller use, and his thinness and brokeness and smelliness .... But, knowing this - yes, he's needed to get rid of you/not have contact for a few days and he's, as usual, trying to make up some narrative that it's your fault he's home AWOL.

Op, he is a repeated and violent domestic abuser.

Aside from anything else, this rules him out as a partner.

He should have been ruled out from when he admitted he broke his ex wife's ribs in a "fight that got out of hand" (ah, these "fights" abusers have where the women end up in hospital and they end up, not in hospital - untouched or with defensive marks) and then you saw his behaviour on the car.

It's time to go NC, and get on with your life. If you'd like kids, now is the time to focus on finding a potential partner and building a relationship.

There is also no point in trying to be "friends" with a man who broke his ex wife's ribs and could have injured or killed you with his behaviour while driving.

The "minor" stuff like the leeching and instability and communication patterns would be enough on its own, let alone the fact he's a batterer.

Please please don’t contact him block him you have been in a horrible amusive relationship,
trauma bonded, coercive control is a really difficult one, he sounds like a raging narcissist and dangerous to boot.
get some help share your situation with friends or family. If you have them don’t go back to him you’ll get better you will have a life again you can heal.
it’ll take time, but you’ll get there. Stay strong stay safe and stay away from this bastard

Stop stop stop

You really need to move on, get rid of him and forget him.

Stop torturing yourself.

Find time to phone up re the counselling - did you manage to do that today ?

It's time to think about yourself / moving forward.

He is luckily now your past, Thank goodness you didn't live together !!!

It needs to be you you you now, not him him him.

No, it was just a casual little fight that ended up getting out of hand, like any number of husbands are having with their crazy, naughty wives up and down the country! He probably blames her for fighting back or trying to get away from him so he had to accidentally break her ribs.

Yes, and if he'd broken op's wrist when trying to wrestle her phone off her, while he threatened to kill her in a car crash, that would be been a "fight" that got out of hand too.

I wonder if the police knew his history and that was why they went full bore at trying to protect you?

Yes, the likely marac meeting and the domestic abuse officer (or whatever the right word is) being persistent etc. do seem quite full on for a first or second reported incident with one gf.

Did the lady mention his history to you, op?

I know he’s not relationship material and there is no chance that I’d even consider getting back together with him. The relationship in my mind had been over for a while before it was actually over.

Obviously the abusive behaviour is the only reason I need to never be with him again but there were other reasons too.

The no sex life.

He was quite a miserable person. I’d plan fun things for us to do and he’d just bring the mood down. For instance, we went to see a band I love back in November. I was really excited. We planned he’d do a half day in work so we could get something to eat and I could have a few drinks before the gig (he can’t drink for medical reasons and I think he resented that I could). The day before he tells me he’d meet me at 5:30pm and he’d have to leave at 3am even though we had a hotel sorted. When I questioned this he claimed this had always been the plan and was the best he could do. He was miserable all night and then ended up getting injured and needing to go to a&e.

How little I saw him and how he seemed to not be particularly bothered about it. Sure he’d text to say he ‘missed me’ everyday but those are just words. Actions speak louder.

It was hellish trying to plan anything too far in advance with him. He could never confirm anything due to work. Holidays/festivals/etc were basically non existent.

He was a hopeless adult. Timekeeping was appalling. Organisational skills didn’t exist. Memory beyond terrible. He couldn’t even work out how to read a train or bus time table.

And as silly as it sounds… he just never seemed excited about anything. I could have told him we were about to do something he’d always dreamed off and the response would be neutral. He’d say he wanted to do it and he was excited by it but there wouldn't be an ounce of enthusiasm in his voice. It got me down and had me wondering why I bothered.

It’s just helpful to write it all out. There’s been so many things that haven’t made sense. That have had me feeling crazy. So many things that have had me questioning my sanity. Wondering if I’m overreacting, wondering if I’m actually the problem like he insists. The amount of blame I’ve received from him for ‘causing arguments’. He once told me that if I knew he was lying about something… just leave him get on with it and trust that he will tell me the truth eventually. Again, insinuating that if I argue with him because I know he’s lying it’s my fault for not letting it go.

Did the lady mention his history to you, op?

Before I met the IDVA (thank you previous poster who reminded me what her job was!) I had two female officers turn up at my house. They were from a domestic and sexual abuse police department. I very much got the impression they knew something about him that I didn’t. They both kept telling me that I could request information on him though Claire’s law? I think it was called that.

So perhaps they couldn't tell you directly, but they encouraged you to do a Claire's law request.

How come you didn't? (Given you got the impression they knew something you didn't).
Had he admitted by that point that he had broken his ex wife's ribs in a "fight" so, you thought you knew what it was you'd be told?

Was this involvement with the police etc because you reported him for one of the dangerous driving incidents/threatening your life?

Correct, it’s Claire’s law, allowing people with suspicions about a partner to request disclosure of serious violent previous offences. Named for a woman who died at the hands of her abuser and whose parents fought for this piece of legislation to protect others.
They couldn't just give you this information, but they obviously wanted you to request it. You still can … or maybe you don’t need to now.