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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

boyfriend cancelled on me on Christmas Eve

137 replies

letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 17:53

I had plans to see my boyfriend tonight, he said he was cooking dinner and I'd bought nice breakfast stuff for Christmas morning and he has just cancelled on me saying that he has a had a busy day working and he still needs to have a shower and drive an hour to give his friend a lift to see his family as trains aren't running. I have turned down a family invite to spend time with him and I have expressed that I am unhappy with him and he is prioritising giving a grown adult man a lift who could sort out his own transport over seeing me. He just said well shit happens can't you just drive here in the morning? I said no as he lives 20 miles away and I'm not spending Christmas morning driving up and down the motorway as I'm having Christmas lunch with family. Am I being unreasonable to be furious with him?

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 24/12/2023 20:08

Honestly op.. let me be now. He is a total waste of space and has shown you that clearly

Enjoy Christmas with your family and hope his friend are very happy together

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 20:09

This is one of those things where he showed you who he is. Expect to feel this way again if you stay with him. You deserve someone who appreciates you and values spending time with you over others.

FiddleLeaf · 24/12/2023 20:10

Good for you OP. Stand your ground and spend time with those who truly matter.

Christmas really does force the hand of these man babies. He thinks you’re optional and secondary & you’re certainly not.

AgnesX · 24/12/2023 20:11

On one hand 20 miles is neither here nor there but his general attitude stinks....his care for you is somewhere near the bottom of the pile.

What a shitty time of year for someone to do this.

Giraff3 · 24/12/2023 20:20

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 20:09

This is one of those things where he showed you who he is. Expect to feel this way again if you stay with him. You deserve someone who appreciates you and values spending time with you over others.

This.....
Look at his actions......

Xmas is special....

Makes me wonder if he had bought u gifts or not for xmas morning?

GothConversionTherapy · 24/12/2023 20:26

Well done for standing up for yourself ! Relationships often break down over the holidays and we all know he's having a piss up in the pub with the friend in question.
I think it's nicer to be with your mother anyways, wouldn't want mine alone on xmas eve.

AnneValentine · 24/12/2023 20:32

He’s made his feelings clear. Onwards and upwards!

Whattodowithit88 · 24/12/2023 20:33

Highly suspicious when they cancel on “big days”. You’ll probably find he has a girlfriend you don’t even know about! Can you call him whenever you like? Does he pick up? Do you spend Sundays together?

Regardless, you’re not a priority to him so cut and run!

Original poster
letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 20:36

I don't think there is a girlfriend, he lives with said friend. He picks up the phone whenever I call in the evenings/ weekends and never goes 'off the radar'. We usually spend weekends together.

OP posts:
mrboombasticwhy · 24/12/2023 20:40

Hmm

Silverbirchtwo · 24/12/2023 20:41

You are clearly a low priority, is he gay or bi, seems like the friend is really important to him, and more so than you. If it is just a really strong friendship it shows that his male friends are likely going to be more important to him than GFs or Wives so if you can't live with that dump him.

Littlenutroast · 24/12/2023 20:45

Did he not buy you any presents and he’s trying to get out of seeing you?

Original poster
letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 20:50

He doesn't usually do this, he puts it in his diary when he is due to see me as he says he knows If he lets me down I won't be happy. He says he doesn't make plans with me unless he's sure that he will make it. He has only done this maybe one or twice before. I think that's why I'm so confused and hurt by his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 20:52

I even rang him yesterday when I was in the farm shop to confirm before I bought the food and rang again this morning to confirm plans.

OP posts:
Lunamoon23 · 24/12/2023 20:53

letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 20:50

He doesn't usually do this, he puts it in his diary when he is due to see me as he says he knows If he lets me down I won't be happy. He says he doesn't make plans with me unless he's sure that he will make it. He has only done this maybe one or twice before. I think that's why I'm so confused and hurt by his behaviour.

Just a thought ... you don't think he maybe hasn't brought you a Christmas present and that's why he's avoiding seeing you before Christmas? And would rather see you after? You don't think he's skint and hasn't got the money to buy a full price gift so is waiting for the sales after Christmas? Seems silly... but men will do anything (even something like this "too busy suddenly") to save their pride.

Original poster
letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 20:55

This friend has him by the balls a bit as he owns the house and he says jump and bf (or ex!) says how high. He seems scared of saying no and upsetting him.

OP posts:
Panaa · 24/12/2023 20:57

Have you dumped him or just blocked him?

Original poster
letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 20:58

I've told him I don't want to speak to him again and blocked him so I think the message is pretty clear .

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 24/12/2023 21:02

He doesn't usually do this, he puts it in his diary when he is due to see me as he says he knows If he lets me down I won't be happy

That's a weird thing to say. DH in the first year or so of our relationship (and even now 22 years later) always wanted to see me and be with me and would never have had to diarise it! Nor would he have let me down like this. Personally I wouldn't accept less than what you feel you want in a partner. His reaction is shitty IMO. I'd not bother moving forwards with this relationship.

housethatbuiltme · 24/12/2023 21:13

I hated dating at this time of year before I met DH... literally every relationship I had broke up at Xmas for shit like this.

You're better without him. It sucks but when you find the right guy it will be different.

SpringleDingle · 24/12/2023 21:51

You go girl! That is how to set boundaries and defend them. He showed you exactly where you sat in his priorities and it wasn’t top of the list.

My ex did similar. My current boyfriend very clearly prioritises me and makes his interest very plain (I reciprocate). It’s far healthier and happier. I am sure you’ll find someone who truly values you and puts you first!!

MonsteraMama · 24/12/2023 22:41

letdownchristmas · 24/12/2023 20:50

He doesn't usually do this, he puts it in his diary when he is due to see me as he says he knows If he lets me down I won't be happy. He says he doesn't make plans with me unless he's sure that he will make it. He has only done this maybe one or twice before. I think that's why I'm so confused and hurt by his behaviour.

You've only been with him since April. Letting you down "once or twice" in such a short space of time when you're both still supposed to be absolutely besotted with each other is actually really bad behaviour. For contrast, my husband hasn't let me down like this in 17 years together.

There are men out there who will cherish and treasure every moment with you. Don't settle for this waste of oxygen.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 24/12/2023 22:55

Yeah, bin him.
I work in the same field as you. We both know that his behaviour is a red flag. I’m sure I’m a lot older than you. I’m over putting up with this type of nonsense and disrespect from anyone. Know your worth and set your boundaries.

LightSpeeds · 24/12/2023 23:23

He made an arrangement with you that required planning, binning off something else and spending some money.

Only an emergency's a good enough reason for cancelling.

Telling you to 'calm down' and 'think about what you were saying' showed how much he really couldn't give a shite about letting you down (or give a shite about you, maybe).

Well done on getting rid!

Try to have a nice day tomorrow.

WandaWonder · 24/12/2023 23:45

Ffs what is about people lately do you really think he is good to be around, hopefully your family may make you see sense

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