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Original poster

DH fancies sons college course leader

119 replies

Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:06

This is more about would this bother you and if so what would you do?

My son recently started at the local college. His college tutor is great, lots of contact on progress, very friendly, helpful and supportive. She’s also extremely attractive.

A few days ago I received an email asking if we (DH and I) were attending a Christmas activity (which was yesterday). I replied saying I didn’t think I’d be able to as I was in work but hopefully his dad could go as he works from home. She responded with great, I really look forward to seeing ‘name of DH’ (which I hadn’t put in the response) and having a catch up. Nothing untoward here, just friendly.

I happened to be able to take time off last minute so we all attended (DH, DS and myself). She immediately came over on arrival to greet us. She was clearly more focused on DH (eye contact and basically was talking to him rather than addressing us both, I felt a bit like a spare part).

The context.

She will often call DH first for anything college related (despite me being the first named contact and always answering my phone). It’s a special needs college so phone calls can be frequent. She is quite flirty (although this may just be her personality and is possibly like it with everyone).

DH clearly is attracted to her (she’s absolutely stunning- anyone would be!). He has now told me he started to dream about her.

I don’t think for one second anything sinister or untoward is going on. She’s clearly shown an interest (general stuff like what’s your job, hobbies etc) and DH obviously has a crush on her.

Do I just let this pass? How would you respond?

OP posts:
Warmandbright · 22/12/2023 11:10

I would probably have an honest chat with him. Tell him you’re not threatened, she’s beautiful and there is no denying, but acknowledge she is flirty and clearly likes him. Ask him how he feels about it and what he think should happen? Offer to take over communication with her if that helps.

Hermittrismegistus · 22/12/2023 11:11

Why did your husband tell you he's started to dream about her? Confused

Choccies · 22/12/2023 11:12

How old is this tutor?
why has he told you about his dreams? Everyone has crushes, but your husbands a grown man, he needs to grow up. Does he have form form for this, has he cheated on you before ?

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:25

No neither of us have ever been unfaithful. We have a very solid, honest, open relationship. We tend to tell each other everything. We’d both prefer this kind of vibe in our relationship to share things. I told him everyone has crushes, he’s just not used to it ever being reciprocated 😂.

I’d guess she’s early 40’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:26

Hermittrismegistus · 22/12/2023 11:11

Why did your husband tell you he's started to dream about her? Confused

Why wouldn’t he?

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 22/12/2023 11:27

Why wouldn’t he?

Because most people wouldn't want to potentially make their partner feel uncomfortable (which is how many people would feel).

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:28

Warmandbright · 22/12/2023 11:10

I would probably have an honest chat with him. Tell him you’re not threatened, she’s beautiful and there is no denying, but acknowledge she is flirty and clearly likes him. Ask him how he feels about it and what he think should happen? Offer to take over communication with her if that helps.

We have had this chat. I can’t really take over the communication as she always calls him first. I obviously can’t tell her to just call me. He feels flattered and is really enjoying it. Not many women show him much attention so it’s clearly a novelty for him which he is embracing

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 22/12/2023 11:29

Just ask her to call you from now one. That really just settles it all. She doesn’t need to know why.

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:29

Hermittrismegistus · 22/12/2023 11:27

Why wouldn’t he?

Because most people wouldn't want to potentially make their partner feel uncomfortable (which is how many people would feel).

Fair enough but maybe we aren’t ‘most people’ as neither of us feel uncomfortable sharing this kind of thing.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 22/12/2023 11:32

Yes, this would piss me off. I'm not sure how you'd handle it tbh apart from asking dh to email and ask if she can call you as first contact. He could say that he's changing his work and won't be as easily contactable for the foreseeable future. That would send her a 'not interested' message but without confrontation or awkwardness.
If your dh is reluctant to put a stop to contact, that would definitely concern me.

But generally I'd be pissed off of my child's tutor was taking advantage of her job to flirt with my husband. I'm not a very trusting person so I'd also be wary of my dh telling me and therefore hiding in plain sight. I do get that this is a little unfair because he'd be damned if he did and damned if he didn't!

Floopani · 22/12/2023 11:32

Its really positive that you are having these open communications. I do agree that you should take over all the contact with college though and that your DH should understand why that's what needs to happen.

I wonder how your DS feels about this, if it's so obvious!

Grilly · 22/12/2023 11:34

Your DH is to ask her to contact you first because he’s about to be busier at work.

LadyBird1973 · 22/12/2023 11:34

Is it possible for dh to divert her calls so they go to you? I don't fully know how my own phone works do this may or may not be possible.

Summerhillsquare · 22/12/2023 11:34

Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:29

Fair enough but maybe we aren’t ‘most people’ as neither of us feel uncomfortable sharing this kind of thing.

Show quote history

Really? Why are you telling us then, just crack on.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/12/2023 11:36

He should not answer calls from her for a while (he was 'in a meeting' if asked) and switch off his voicemail. Force her to contact you instead.

ManateeFair · 22/12/2023 11:37

Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:29

Fair enough but maybe we aren’t ‘most people’ as neither of us feel uncomfortable sharing this kind of thing.

Show quote history

Except it has made you uncomfortable and now you're on Mumsnet fretting about to handle the situation. So I think you are, in fact, more like 'most people' than you think.

TypicalCoach · 22/12/2023 11:37

Well you clearly are like 'most people' as your jealous and therefore not that comfortable around each other if your uncomfortable

Marwoodsbigbreak · 22/12/2023 11:38

But clearly it does bother you or you wouldn’t be posting about it!

DH blocks her and tells her he’s terribly busy so she needs to contact you.

If he refuses, you have a problem.

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:42

ManateeFair · 22/12/2023 11:37

Except it has made you uncomfortable and now you're on Mumsnet fretting about to handle the situation. So I think you are, in fact, more like 'most people' than you think.

Show quote history

Not really. As per my op I’m interested in how others would respond. I don’t feel uncomfortable and don't think I ‘fret’ about anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:44

Marwoodsbigbreak · 22/12/2023 11:38

But clearly it does bother you or you wouldn’t be posting about it!

DH blocks her and tells her he’s terribly busy so she needs to contact you.

If he refuses, you have a problem.

Is it a problem to continue though? I doubt highly that anything would come of it and he tells me everything (can’t keep a secret from me)

OP posts:
thedukeofbuckinghamshire · 22/12/2023 11:46

Why can't you tell her just to call you? Say it's more convenient if she does so.

barbieofswanlake · 22/12/2023 11:50

Fair enough but maybe we aren’t ‘most people’ as neither of us feel uncomfortable sharing this kind of thing

Each to their own but if my DH told me he was having dreams about another woman I would be like bloody hell DH, TMI! I just wouldn't want to know!

Esmerelda2024 · 22/12/2023 12:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WavingCatsandDogs · 22/12/2023 12:26

She's making a play for your husband right in front of you? She's really unprofessional, who does this? She's in a position of influence in your sons life.

Sounds too close for comfort,

He needs to tell her to call you about stuff and put a lid on it.

Janieforever · 22/12/2023 12:31

So your husband tells you when he’s the hots for someone, when he’s fantasising about her, and you are apparently ok with this, but then start a thread on mumsnet asking what you should do about it, and in some way trying to make it the woman’s fault?

you don’t sound remotely comfortable with it. In fact you sound jealous and threatened and want her to stay as far away as possible.