Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH fancies sons college course leader

119 replies

Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 11:06

This is more about would this bother you and if so what would you do?

My son recently started at the local college. His college tutor is great, lots of contact on progress, very friendly, helpful and supportive. She’s also extremely attractive.

A few days ago I received an email asking if we (DH and I) were attending a Christmas activity (which was yesterday). I replied saying I didn’t think I’d be able to as I was in work but hopefully his dad could go as he works from home. She responded with great, I really look forward to seeing ‘name of DH’ (which I hadn’t put in the response) and having a catch up. Nothing untoward here, just friendly.

I happened to be able to take time off last minute so we all attended (DH, DS and myself). She immediately came over on arrival to greet us. She was clearly more focused on DH (eye contact and basically was talking to him rather than addressing us both, I felt a bit like a spare part).

The context.

She will often call DH first for anything college related (despite me being the first named contact and always answering my phone). It’s a special needs college so phone calls can be frequent. She is quite flirty (although this may just be her personality and is possibly like it with everyone).

DH clearly is attracted to her (she’s absolutely stunning- anyone would be!). He has now told me he started to dream about her.

I don’t think for one second anything sinister or untoward is going on. She’s clearly shown an interest (general stuff like what’s your job, hobbies etc) and DH obviously has a crush on her.

Do I just let this pass? How would you respond?

OP posts:
Autumnleaves89 · 22/12/2023 18:59

He’s told you he’s enjoying the attention and dreaming about her? Sorry, but this is weird.

Rosiiee · 22/12/2023 19:06

DH had a crush on DS’s junior and senior infants teacher. He’d always (jokingly) say how pretty she is and when she got engaged he was like ‘dang’. It was always brought up jokingly and they never had individual interactions, idk I just wasn’t really bothered? I think it’s human nature to have random crushes every now and then but they’re no harm if you don’t act on them.

AngelinaFibres · 22/12/2023 19:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

All of this. Plus if he's dreaming about her ( how deep and meaningful) he's also having a cheeky wank now and then too. And it isn't you he's thinking about.

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:15

May be you’re not sure what fretting means. I believe it means obviously or visibly anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:16

AngelinaFibres · 22/12/2023 19:13

All of this. Plus if he's dreaming about her ( how deep and meaningful) he's also having a cheeky wank now and then too. And it isn't you he's thinking about.

Show quote history

It’s ok to have different opinions. I’m not sure why some posters need to be quite so vitriolic

OP posts:
Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:19

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 22/12/2023 13:05

But you clearly feel uncomfortable because you're on MN asking for advice.

Show quote history

I’m neither uncomfortable or asking for advice. Just interested in others thoughts on this situation. I think I made that quite clear in my op.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 22/12/2023 19:19

I love the way you assume she fancies your husband. She's probably friendly with everyone.

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:21

girlfriend44 · 22/12/2023 19:19

I love the way you assume she fancies your husband. She's probably friendly with everyone.

Why do you ‘love the way I assume?’ It’s just my opinion- you could well be right.

OP posts:
Ebokebok · 22/12/2023 19:23

Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:19

I’m neither uncomfortable or asking for advice. Just interested in others thoughts on this situation. I think I made that quite clear in my op.

Show quote history

Well there's no issue then is there.

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:25

Ebokebok · 22/12/2023 19:23

Well there's no issue then is there.

Show quote history

correct, there’s no issue

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 22/12/2023 19:26

What a bizarre thread.

Why do you care how other people would react?

You even say, with a dollop hint of superiority, that you’re not like other couples, so why does it matter how other people would react.?

Clearly - very clearly - this bothers you as much as the next person.

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:27

GodDammitCecil · 22/12/2023 19:26

What a bizarre thread.

Why do you care how other people would react?

You even say, with a dollop hint of superiority, that you’re not like other couples, so why does it matter how other people would react.?

Clearly - very clearly - this bothers you as much as the next person.

i don’t understand the point of this response

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 22/12/2023 19:29

Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:27

i don’t understand the point of this response

Show quote history

I don't understand the point of your thread.

Spacecowboys · 22/12/2023 19:29

I would speak to college about the fact I am the first contact and that all their staff should be adhering to this. When it comes to that kind of thing, I’m not ‘cool’. I
view my dc’s tutors/ teachers as professional people who are there for the benefit of my dc’s. Not for a flirting opportunity.

GodDammitCecil · 22/12/2023 19:29

I’ll ask again then - why do you care how other people would respond in this situation?

You’re completely a-OK with the situation. You don’t think anything untoward is going on.

So … why are you asking how others would react?

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:31

GalileoHumpkins · 22/12/2023 19:29

I don't understand the point of your thread.

Show quote history

The point of my thread is quite clear to me, what’s strange to me is why someone would bother responding on a thread which they don’t understand the point of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:32

Spacecowboys · 22/12/2023 19:29

I would speak to college about the fact I am the first contact and that all their staff should be adhering to this. When it comes to that kind of thing, I’m not ‘cool’. I
view my dc’s tutors/ teachers as professional people who are there for the benefit of my dc’s. Not for a flirting opportunity.

I agree

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 22/12/2023 19:33

Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:19

I’m neither uncomfortable or asking for advice. Just interested in others thoughts on this situation. I think I made that quite clear in my op.

Show quote history

You asked in your OP if you should let it pass.

Original poster
Collegetutor1 · 22/12/2023 19:35

MrTiddlesTheCat · 22/12/2023 19:33

You asked in your OP if you should let it pass.

Show quote history

‘Let it pass’ I guess is open to interpretation.

OP posts:
Creepybookworm · 22/12/2023 19:36

I have had 2 kids go through sixth form college and never had a phone call from a tutor? Why is their a need for her to you/your DH so much?

Spacecowboys · 22/12/2023 19:38

Creepybookworm · 22/12/2023 19:36

I have had 2 kids go through sixth form college and never had a phone call from a tutor? Why is their a need for her to you/your DH so much?

It is a special needs college so I would think that is the reason for more regular communication between tutors and parents.

ThePenguinIsDrunk · 22/12/2023 19:40

What, exactly, is your AIBU here? Not ckear from either your OP or your subsequent posts. Do you want to know whether you would BU to 'let it pass' or not?

DinaofCloud9 · 22/12/2023 19:40

You're being so defensive. I don't think you're as relaxed about it as you're trying to portray.

GodDammitCecil · 22/12/2023 19:41

OP - you’re trying to make out you’re really, super comfortable with the situation.

But you’re not.

Just be honest. It’s an anonymous forum, so we don’t know who you are.

You’re uncomfortable with the situation, hence starting this thread to see how others would feel, and how they’d respond.

Just be as honest as your husband has been, in telling you he dreams about her.

Say, rightly or wrongly, it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you’d like him to be considerate of your feelings.

OrangesLemonsLimes · 22/12/2023 19:41

It’s not like fancying Nigella or Kylie though, is it? This is an attainable (in theory) woman who lives nearby and who is comfortable in giving him a call. None of those three things is problematic in a trusting relationship …but… you also sense that she’s attracted to him and you noticed that she was a tad dismissive towards you when you attended the event unexpectedly, and she is contacting him instead of you despite instruction to the college to the contrary. This is how affairs start sometimes OP. And the dreams thing is a plain sight play, maybe.

I know you’re not fretting but you wanted opinions and mine is that you should be taking a more robust line. Starting with reiterating to the college admin that you’re the first point of contact and that all staff should try your line first.