DH fancies sons college course leader

[Collegetutor1]

This is more about would this bother you and if so what would you do?

My son recently started at the local college. His college tutor is great, lots of contact on progress, very friendly, helpful and supportive. She’s also extremely attractive.

A few days ago I received an email asking if we (DH and I) were attending a Christmas activity (which was yesterday). I replied saying I didn’t think I’d be able to as I was in work but hopefully his dad could go as he works from home. She responded with great, I really look forward to seeing ‘name of DH’ (which I hadn’t put in the response) and having a catch up. Nothing untoward here, just friendly.

I happened to be able to take time off last minute so we all attended (DH, DS and myself). She immediately came over on arrival to greet us. She was clearly more focused on DH (eye contact and basically was talking to him rather than addressing us both, I felt a bit like a spare part).

The context.

She will often call DH first for anything college related (despite me being the first named contact and always answering my phone). It’s a special needs college so phone calls can be frequent. She is quite flirty (although this may just be her personality and is possibly like it with everyone).

DH clearly is attracted to her (she’s absolutely stunning- anyone would be!). He has now told me he started to dream about her.

I don’t think for one second anything sinister or untoward is going on. She’s clearly shown an interest (general stuff like what’s your job, hobbies etc) and DH obviously has a crush on her.

Do I just let this pass? How would you respond?

If you aren't bothered by the situation it surely wouldn't even cross your mind to make a whole thread about it

yes ..

I'm
Confused why there even needs to be any contact between the college and the parents? Let alone the amount there seems to be......

Unless of course your DS is still young and not at a college in the uk (ie for 16/18+)

Read the paragraph in the OP after the bit that says ‘For context’.

Go back and read the OP.

"However, massive research clearly indicates one-on-one opposite sex friendships have a heightened likelihood of developing emotional and/or sexual connections, regardless of initial intent for a strictly platonic relationship."

What on earth is this research saying, as this reads like they’ve discovered, only after massive research, that opposite sex friendships have a heightened chance of getting sexual and the ‘heightened’ bit must be comparing to another type of friendship. So for straight people the massive research discovered they’re more likely to get sexy with a friend of the opposite sex than one of the same! Shock discovery. Will read the article another day.

I think the thread’s gone on a bit of a tangent but it’s an interesting one. The article’s a good read, @Esmerelda2024, thanks for sharing.

I do think that the more time you spend creating an intimate relationship with a member of a gender that you’re attracted to leads to a higher chance of developing feelings for that person.

I’m bisexual though. Does that mean I don’t get to have friends? Create intimate relationships in case I get a touch of the feels?

My OH and I aren’t the cool wife/cool husband types but we handle it in exactly the way you describe…we have an open relationship, can sleep with who we want and tell each other everything. So it really wouldn’t bother me if he did bonk the teacher - though if she’s as gorgeous as the OP says, I might be a tad jealous for completely different reasons to most 😂. We also don’t really take advantage of sleeping with others…don’t think either of us have for years.

But even if we didn’t have this kind of relationship, (and we didn’t for many years where I maintained friendships with both genders and never considered cheating), my point still stands…if heterosexuals shouldn’t be ‘cool’ with their partners being friends with members of the opposite gender on the increased risk of infidelity, what about those with partners who are bi?

It would put your child in a very precarius situation if you did not take over the communication.
People get crushes; your husband needs to stay alert and stay the parent of your child while respecting your need to be the main contact.
The woman is being flirty and that is not proffessional.
Speak with the office and have a discussion with her superior about why you are going to be first point of contact.

Maybe there is a training day for staff that needs to be organised for the comfort of all and for their proffessional development..

You both need to grow the fuck up and let a professional do her job.

She sounds very unprofessional. I don't know why you and DH are entertaining this.

There is massive boundary crossing in this scenario.

The class tutor is breaching professional protocol by leap frogging over you to contact your H first every time. Blanking her student’s mother is certainly rude and unprofessional, and flirting with his father is unethical. She appears to have an agenda.

@Collegetutor1, your H is weakening his boundaries for this woman, and is lapping up the validation and gratification she provides. Her attention is a new dynamic for him and he sounds mesmerized. As this is a reciprocated attraction, he is playing with fire. Not only is he a married man, this is his son’s educator, yet he is happily developing an illicit connection on this slippery slope. It’s telling that he isn’t bothered that she is dismissing your status as primary contact and is blanking you in public. He is complicit in the disrespect.

I agree with others that his being ‘open’ with you about the dreams and embracing the flattery and attraction is likely a hiding in plain sight move. I think you’re naive in believing that this won’t escalate and damage your marriage. This is new, thrilling territory for him, and he’s investing in it.

I wouldn’t tolerate this inappropriate dance they’re doing, and it would be ending pronto. In your shoes, I would require the college to enforce my contact status, and I’d expect my H to distance himself from her.

Me too! I am (embarrassingly) quite a jealous and insecure person, but I’m realistic to think that my DH probably finds loads of other women attractive. I can cope with that. But if a woman was contacting him (when she could quite easily contact me) and he was saying he was dreaming about her, I’d be distraught 😩

I am not a jealous or insecure person, but I would not want to know that at all.

Not telling your partner every little thought that passes through your head is actually a good thing!

@Collegetutor1 Your husband has a crush on a very attractive woman who he dreams about, and she also appears to have a crush on him. Why aren’t you worried?