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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you cut your losses?

121 replies

SoRainbowRhythms · 21/12/2023 21:15

Together 8 years, married 4. I suspect a midlife crisis or some sort of depression. Confident there's nobody else.

DH says he has been unhappy for 18 months. He wants to be isolated, live alone and not worry about anything else except his hobbies and himself. Had slung some mud my way.

He has agreed to couples therapy and has booked his first private counselling session for tomorrow, but I feel he has one foot out the door.

We've had a tough year work / stress / health wise, and in hindsight neither of us has been totally present in the marriage.

On paper it's easy - 50/50 on the house, no kids (2 lovely cats).

In real life I am devastated. He is the absolute love of my life and I thought we'd grow old together. I hadn't accounted or planned for any of this and I am petrified at the thought of life without him.

I feel like I should just get the ball rolling and start the separation process because it's going to happen anyway, but the thought of it is crushing. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 21/12/2023 21:22

Has he offered to move out?

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 21/12/2023 21:23

Not move out as such but go to his mum's until.. well, I don't know until but he's offered to go. It's just so sad.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 21/12/2023 21:29

If you're confident there's no one else I'd ask him to move out. The reality of him being alone might be enough to shake things up. Sometimes what we fantasise about, in reality is awful. You hear so many stories of people leaving a relationship and then 6 months down the line realise what they really had and want it back. But if you do this I'd start making a life for yourself and you may find you don't want him back

Talk to your councillor about it.

Csharpminor · 21/12/2023 22:29

Midlife crisis is a real thing. Has he confided why he's unhappy?

He might benefit from a solo holiday to clear his head. May be lots of undisclosed life stuff coming up for him.

If he's agreed to therapy then don't loose hope. He may really need it and will benefit, men can be slow with these things. Don't give up yet, the shock will wear off and you'll see what happens anyway. Nothing is predictictable and we have to accept that about life, next year or next month.

Dont freak out.

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 22/12/2023 04:30

I've been trying to keep a lid on the freaking out since he revealed this a few weeks ago, but I've gone into some sort of shut done now. Swinging quite wildly between crying and just a horrible nothing. Eating and sleeping have been a struggle (hence posting at this time!).

I think I know deep down that he just doesn't love me any more and I have to come to terms with that. I don't know if I want to hold out false hope.

Everything feels so empty right now.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 22/12/2023 05:24

That sounds really really tough for you. I think what would be best as if he moved out and you got counselling for yourself. I'm not sure I could cope with going to counselling and being told there that the guy wanted to go.

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 22/12/2023 06:37

Sorry, I should have mentioned that I started counselling myself this week, but won't have another session until the 3rd Jan now.

One part of me wants to boot him out and get the ball rolling on the house sale and divorce, the other part of me just wants to grab hold of him and cry.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 22/12/2023 07:28

Don’t hold onto him, keep your dignity and ask him to leave.
Keep the counselling up and take the time you need to come to terms with it.

Channellingsophistication · 22/12/2023 07:47

I’ve been there its horrible. Perhaps better for him to move out to give yourselves some space.

Be kind to yourself. Try not to think about what he’s thinking which is hard I know. Focus on you. Exercise, so good for getting rid of nervous tension. Run or do the Couch to 5K if you don’t. Try and eat a little.

Sending strength and post here for support

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 22/12/2023 09:59

Thank you @Channellingsophistication , that's really interesting.

I wish I was that person right now. I'm the crying mess person instead. I wish I could just wake up in the new year.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 22/12/2023 13:41

Its so hard I know, time of year adding to it too. Try to keep busy and active. You are stronger than you think.

Readr · 22/12/2023 18:22

I would still be a bit suspicious that there is someone else. You don't have kids at home, so he basically already has what he wants: a fairly carefree life in which he can concentrate on himself and his hobbies. Unless living with OP means having to be very social for long periods of time.

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 23/12/2023 08:16

Channellingsophistication · 22/12/2023 13:41

Its so hard I know, time of year adding to it too. Try to keep busy and active. You are stronger than you think.

Thank you. Yesterday was awful but today is a new day and I'm going to look at 180 again.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 29/12/2023 12:17

Struggling today. I've come to visit my parents 300 miles away and the reality of being alone is really starting to hit me.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 31/12/2023 00:02

@SoRainbowRhythms its so hard but it wont always be. Have you had any contact with him?

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 04/01/2024 08:21

Channellingsophistication · 31/12/2023 00:02

@SoRainbowRhythms its so hard but it wont always be. Have you had any contact with him?

We didn't speak while I was away but back under the same roof now.

I think he's going to leave me tonight. He wants to talk when I get home from work. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 04/01/2024 08:30

I’m so sorry I know only too well how hard it is. Don’t look too much to the future its too overwhelming but take each day as it comes as much as you can. Have you got some good friends in real life you can support you?

I would recommend some books. Rosie green and paul mckenna do good ones on heartbreak. They will help and make you feel less alone. I would also recommend lots of exercise. Really good for getting rid of that horrible feeling in your stomach.

post here too for support- lots of us have been through it and survived!

BuffaloCauliflower · 04/01/2024 08:34

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Has he/had any counselling sessions yet?

Channellingsophistication · 04/01/2024 08:35

I think you need to prepare yourself for there being a OW. Of course there may not be but men rarely leave unless there is. Be strong.

I was devastated when my exh left for OW. He dropped me like a hot potato after 14 years marriage. I thought I would never get over it, part of me didnt want to, but I did and years later I’m glad it happened as it was the making of me.

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 04/01/2024 08:37

BuffaloCauliflower · 04/01/2024 08:34

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Has he/had any counselling sessions yet?

He's had 3. It's been great for him personally, he hasn't had the best family life / upbringing and I think it's making him take a look at himself and realise where some of his problems come from. But it seems that I'm the cannon fodder.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 04/01/2024 08:38

Channellingsophistication · 04/01/2024 08:35

I think you need to prepare yourself for there being a OW. Of course there may not be but men rarely leave unless there is. Be strong.

I was devastated when my exh left for OW. He dropped me like a hot potato after 14 years marriage. I thought I would never get over it, part of me didnt want to, but I did and years later I’m glad it happened as it was the making of me.

I'm starting to realise that's a real possibility. And I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 04/01/2024 08:53

Channellingsophistication · 04/01/2024 08:39

Perhaps have some counselling you can find someone here local to you. I found it helped a lot https://www.bacp.co.uk

I've had a couple of sessions so far but thank you x

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 04/01/2024 09:14

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. When do you start the couples therapy?

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