Would you cut your losses?

[SoRainbowRhythms]

Together 8 years, married 4. I suspect a midlife crisis or some sort of depression. Confident there's nobody else.

DH says he has been unhappy for 18 months. He wants to be isolated, live alone and not worry about anything else except his hobbies and himself. Had slung some mud my way.

He has agreed to couples therapy and has booked his first private counselling session for tomorrow, but I feel he has one foot out the door.

We've had a tough year work / stress / health wise, and in hindsight neither of us has been totally present in the marriage.

On paper it's easy - 50/50 on the house, no kids (2 lovely cats).

In real life I am devastated. He is the absolute love of my life and I thought we'd grow old together. I hadn't accounted or planned for any of this and I am petrified at the thought of life without him.

I feel like I should just get the ball rolling and start the separation process because it's going to happen anyway, but the thought of it is crushing. I just don't know what to do.

My exh had diagnosed depression.
He was also a cunt..
Fine line op.

You need to find your anger, op. It'll help you deal with it all.
And there will be another woman.

I can't wait for my anger to surface. I'm oscillating between sad and numb right now.

I do feel for you, it’s so hard. I’m glad you blocked him as speaking to him is just like picking at a scab as it makes you feel the pain fresh all over again.

Just deal with each day as it comes. It was exactly this time of the year that I was in your situation many years ago. It is really hard, but I found exercise really helped me. It helped get rid of that tension in the stomach.

Be kind to yourself. It’s a kind of grief you are going through. It’s a process - you’ll feel anger and sadness and then acceptance, but sometimes you feel you take a step forward and two steps back and that’s normal. However, like me you WILL be happy again.

Plan some things that you enjoy and make you feel good.

Thank you x

This is classic midlife crises stuff - you mentioned he was 40 recently.
Definitely had his head turned.
(The grass really isn't greener- it still needs watering).
You will get through this and 180 is brilliant.

The more I read and learnt the more I agree with you.

@SoRainbowRhythms how are you doing today? How did the house valuation go?

Give a red hot final go.
You might learn something new at therapy that turns the tables. Relax and trust each other.
You might learn to appreciate giving each other hobby time but making the together time more adventurous, communicative and joyful.

I'm a little better today. Spent 4 days with my mum where she fed me soup and other beige things and I'm back in the office today with friends dropping in all weekend.

The valuation was good (very loud estate agent!) but I'm keeping it to myself unless he asks the outcome. My dad gave me some good, practical advise about "keeping my powder dry", so if anything is going to happen he's got to be the one to instigate it. I took all our pictures and things down and am going to try to enjoy having my on space for a while.

My lovely therapist has agreed to see me off Betterhelp and is much more affordable direct.

Think I'm over the initial shock / panic and am going to try to own my feelings.

@user1492757084 he doesn't want to do the couples counselling so I cancelled it, but I have my own help.

Wow, that must have been such a shock for you 😮 If it’s any help I think it’s surprisingly common for men to reach 40/50 and some sort of biological urge makes them want to “move onto newer pastures”, it’s probably an evolutionary kick to spread their seed 😒
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this pain and hurt right now. All I can recommend is crying it out, don’t let it fester. Be mad, wail, cry, talk to friends until you are exhausted and then you will have the energy to deal with the next steps. Hand hold 🌷

Thank you. I haven't discounted the fact he'll probably be shacked up with a pregnant 25 year old in the not too distant future.

I really admire you, OP. Sounds like you are doing everything you need to to take care of yourself! Stay strong.

Thank you, I don't feel like it right now but I figure I'll fake it til I make it!

I think your Dad is absolutely right. If he mentionsl sorting anything or making a change, then he needs to be the one to do this. He wants the house sold - ok but he deals with the estate agents etc and just comes to you to agree the price etc.

It's in a lot of women's instincts to 'do', but you're no longer his partner, so if he wants to sell the house then he'll have to make it happen and not rely on you to do it.

My now ex thought he could just pluck a figure out of thin air for the value of the house (I was buying him out), so it came as a shock to him that I'd got 3 valuations and the sensible thing was to agree to the mid point. I think they expect to be able to walk out, but maintain the same level of contribution from the wives they leave behind. Then are surprised when they have to put effort into arranging things they want - they expect the person they left to continue to do it all as if they were still in a relationship

That is exactly my instinct. It's very hard to relinquish control for me!

I’ve been divorced nearly 10 years now and my ex still does this.

the latest one was a tutor for our dd. He rang me and said he thought it would be a good idea to get a maths tutor. The conversation went like this

ex - I think we should get a tutor for dd
me - ok I think that’s a good idea too
ex - errr
me - let me know how you get on finding ine
ex - where should I look
me - have you tried google
ex - errr
me - ok let me know what you find
ex - errr
me -ok bye

it happens all the time. He’ll ask me about stuff for school, I tell him to look on the website, he’ll ask about her hobby, I’ll tell him to ring up. It’s ridiculous a grown man who holds down a full time job still relays on me to sort him out. I wouldn’t mind but he’s remarried so god knows what his wife thinks

I know what you're saying about leaving him to sort shit out, but also don't let it mean that you become passive in all of this.

He's decided what he wants but what do you want? Do you want to stay in the house? What about paying for the mortgage until it's sold? When is he coming to get his cat?

The danger with leaving him to sort stuff is that he never will and you will always be in this kind of limbo where he could try and waltz back in when he realises the grass isn't greener. Do you want that to happen or do you want the clean break?

I definitely won't be passive, but in this bit of time I'm really trying not to do anything rash. I won't be leaving my house until I have to, but I won't be making things easy for him either. I've had absolutely no say or choice in all this so he needs to be the one to push the button, as it were. Obviously if things drag too long or become too painful I'll take control. I've always been the do-er in our relationship so it's very difficult for me to sit back and wait. The house has been valued and I have a rough plan of where I can go / what I can afford going forward.

At this moment in time I don't even know what I want any more, but I'm trying to get comfortable with my own company as a start.

Cat wise is difficult because I believe he's at his mums, and she has a sighthound, so obviously a no go! I don't mind having her as I love her but she's very sad without him. My boy cat absolutely adores her so he will be another victim in all this when we have to split them up!

Well done for leaving him to it and thinking about yourself. I’m glad you’ve got lovely helpful parents. Definitely do whatever works for you, whether that’s trying to move slowly or quickly. He’s got to live with his choices here so he can be the one making them.

@SoRainbowRhythms I went through the same during lockdown and it was torture. He wouldn’t speak to me at all, cut me off,separate rooms, turned me into the villain to his family and friends, while he was having an affair with his colleague. My self esteem was shot.

The best advice I can give is to take charge of the divorce process and concentrate on the things you will need to set up your life.
I am forever grateful and thankful for my friends and family who got me through the really tough times- I don’t think I would have made it through without them.

Be prepared to be cut off from in laws, even though none of this is your doing.
I thought my world had ended when my husband did this, but now I’m happier than I thought I’d be- it’s a grieving process, you will find yourself again.

Just to update this thread, he's decided he wants to end our marriage, so I will start the practical things now.

I'm so sorry, @SoRainbowRhythms. How are you holding up?

Thank you. I'm not entirely sure right now but I'll figure it out x

i’m sorry to see your update - utterly devastating I know, but you sound so much stronger. Great you have good support from your parents and friends.