Would you cut your losses?

[SoRainbowRhythms]

Together 8 years, married 4. I suspect a midlife crisis or some sort of depression. Confident there's nobody else.

DH says he has been unhappy for 18 months. He wants to be isolated, live alone and not worry about anything else except his hobbies and himself. Had slung some mud my way.

He has agreed to couples therapy and has booked his first private counselling session for tomorrow, but I feel he has one foot out the door.

We've had a tough year work / stress / health wise, and in hindsight neither of us has been totally present in the marriage.

On paper it's easy - 50/50 on the house, no kids (2 lovely cats).

In real life I am devastated. He is the absolute love of my life and I thought we'd grow old together. I hadn't accounted or planned for any of this and I am petrified at the thought of life without him.

I feel like I should just get the ball rolling and start the separation process because it's going to happen anyway, but the thought of it is crushing. I just don't know what to do.

We are booked in for the 15th, as I wanted him to make some headway with his own therapy first. I was trying to hold on and at least try to be civil before then.

And I do have a great support network, I have told my 2 best friends as well as my parents (albeit they are 300 miles away). I've confided in a few colleagues and my boss too because I think I will need them to be patient with me... I just don't want him to go. I feel pathetic.

Prior to this, how happy would you say your marriage was? It is unusual for this to happen out of the blue and is usually a slow build up to this point. The withdrawing of affection, change of habits, dwindling sex, sniping at each other for little things when they were once overlooked.

It’s very tough though and if it does lead to separation then it will be a tough few months emotionally for you.

We've had a tough year work / health wise and he's been throwing himself at a new job, which in hindsight has been quite detrimental (he's absolutely smashing it but I think he's at burnout). Not any arguments until recently and I thought we were working through our tough year together.

Apart from that we had a big holiday away for his 40th, lots of mini breaks, fun days out, and just general life. I think that's why I've been so blindsided by this all. I thought we were so strong.

I've been reading about anhedonia which seems to fit him to a T. But again, I'm really trying not to give myself false hope.

Do you think it’s possible he has had his head turned at the new company? Obviously not every situation will be this but it often transpires that many are.

I'm not discounting it. As awful as it sounds, it would be easier. I could get angry then.

Ow in the wings..
Yabu to assume you will be lonely given you have 2 dcats....

That's another can of worms as one is his and one is mine, and they love each other very much and would hate to be separated. I'm very sad for them!

I was dumped, catastrophically and with no real warning, by my adored XH. I have been where you are, OP. Dumped, then 'it was a mistake, I want you really,' and then dumped again when I took him back. It was devastating and I never thought I'd come back from it.
But just to give you hope, I'm now resolutely single (I had one relationship post-breakup, which started out great but went downhill fast) and extremely happily so. There really is life on the other side, and it can be a better and more fulfilling one, even though the breakup itself can feel like the end of the world.
Hand holding offered.

Thank you x

Honestly, I'd bet my house on there being another woman. Everything was fine then he got a new job and now he wants to leave. He might always deny it, particularly if he likes to be seen as a good guy, but I do think you should be prepared for that.

I wouldn't go to counselling with a man who wanted to leave me. What's the point? If you had children it might be seen as a safe place to discuss shared care, but otherwise I certainly wouldn't want to discuss why he wants to leave.

Stay strong. Could you stay with a friend tonight?

Wants a trial separation. Gone to his mum's. I have a friend on the way.

This

Make sure his dm knows you haven't thrown him out...

How are things today OP?

In your OP you said he "slung some mud" your way. what did that mean? Because it sounds like he told you why he was unhappy and it was either legitimate or, more likely, it was mean and cruel and designed to make you feel bad?

Like others, I think there's a good chance he's had his head turned. But even if he hasn't and he's just going through a mid life crisis, you can't work o relationship issues with someone who is not interested in doing so.Im sorry you are going through this.

Thanks everyone.

I'm not great. Had a friend stay with me last night and have another on the way to visit now.

I'm devastated. He used the words "trial" very loosely. I don't think he'll be back. I haven't heard from any of his family.

It was all I, I, I. No concern for me or our marriage. He is not the man I fell in love with any more and I am grieving the loss of that man quite hard.

I've booked to go back to my mums tomorrow for a few days. Had to message him to ask him to come back to look after the cats. It was like speaking to a stranger.

I'm not discounting the fact he might have gone over the side, but I'm having to put that to the bottom of the pile or I'll drive myself mad. Right now I'm sad enough.

I know I won't die and and I know I'll eventually be ok, but I'm just not sure how to do this bit.

I really appreciate people checking in. The kindness of strangers is helping me.

Edit - just heard from SIL, he was there last night.

Is your husband depressed? I mean actual clinical depression. Has he seen a GP? Whatever it is, I'm sorry you're going through this upset

I think so but I know he won't go to the GP. I had a tough time on AD's a few years ago and I think it put him off. He paid for a few private therapist sessions and has further counselling through work starting next week.

Be careful of attributing too much to depression, OP. I thought that my XH was depressed, he admitted to being depressed and not knowing what to do with his life (which fitted his behaviour at the time). I thought he was depressed, maybe a mid-life crisis and I tried everything I could to make his life easier and to take the strain from him.
It actually turned out that he'd had his head turned by someone he'd starting studying with. Nothing ever came of it (in fact he behaved appallingly towards her, stalking behaviour and she actually told him she didn't want anything to do with him) but it accounted for his 'confusion' and the way he seemed to have turned all his feelings for me (feelings he'd been professing to only days before) off absolutely.
So, sometimes they are depressed, but sometimes there is a reason for that depression - that they want out of a relationship to 'explore new things' as my XH put it.

OP, how are you doing?

Another one here who was married to a man who became depressed and blamed the pressure of new job and stress. He completely withdrew from me. He was having an affair with someone from his new company. Don’t believe the depression card

Thank you for checking in. In quite a bad place right now but at my parents. Going home on Wednesday and already panicking about being in our home without him. Trying to take it a day at a time but it's hard.

Made the mistake of messaging him on Saturday night where he all but confirmed he is done. Blocked on everything now except email for house / car purposes. Have someone coming to value the house on Thursday.

Well—he is definitely not messing around.

In the end it is a blessing in disguise. At least he is not pretending and living a false life with you. I am truly sorry this is happening to you.