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Original poster

Would you cut your losses?

121 replies

SoRainbowRhythms · 21/12/2023 21:15

Together 8 years, married 4. I suspect a midlife crisis or some sort of depression. Confident there's nobody else.

DH says he has been unhappy for 18 months. He wants to be isolated, live alone and not worry about anything else except his hobbies and himself. Had slung some mud my way.

He has agreed to couples therapy and has booked his first private counselling session for tomorrow, but I feel he has one foot out the door.

We've had a tough year work / stress / health wise, and in hindsight neither of us has been totally present in the marriage.

On paper it's easy - 50/50 on the house, no kids (2 lovely cats).

In real life I am devastated. He is the absolute love of my life and I thought we'd grow old together. I hadn't accounted or planned for any of this and I am petrified at the thought of life without him.

I feel like I should just get the ball rolling and start the separation process because it's going to happen anyway, but the thought of it is crushing. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 19/01/2024 00:13

Sorry to read your update @SoRainbowRhythms. Hold on to the fact that things will get better in time.

Channellingsophistication · 08/02/2024 22:58

@SoRainbowRhythms How are you doing? Hope you are ok

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 08/02/2024 23:14

Hey @Channellingsophistication , appreciate you checking in!

Up and down month. Got a letter from him 2 weeks ago listing everything he ever thought I did wrong which was lovely. Never wanted to marry me, I bullied him into everything etc etc. Total projection and I know it's more about him than me. Doesn't want a 50/50 split on the house, told him he has no choice and have now taken legal advice. Ball in his court now.

Have good days and bad days, cling onto the good days. Need to get the house on the market and get the hell away from here but won't be doing anything til I have the split in writing!

OP posts:
HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 08/02/2024 23:30

Men rarely leave unless there is someone else.

However, you don't have kids.

Divorce him and don't look back. Just be glad that you're not tethered to him with children.

JadziaD · 09/02/2024 07:23

Aaah, it was ALWAYS going to be your fault. He's a "grass is always greener" kind of guy and of course, he's back with his mummy so he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything.

Good job for sticking to your guns. He doesn't want to go 50/50 on the house? Wanker.

It's really hard OP, I feel for you. But you're doing really well.

bottomsup12 · 09/02/2024 07:32

So sorry for you! Hope you get through it, you will!

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 08:35

JadziaD · 09/02/2024 07:23

Aaah, it was ALWAYS going to be your fault. He's a "grass is always greener" kind of guy and of course, he's back with his mummy so he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything.

Good job for sticking to your guns. He doesn't want to go 50/50 on the house? Wanker.

It's really hard OP, I feel for you. But you're doing really well.

I don't feel like it but thank you. Very much in "fake it til I make it" mode!

OP posts:
Bedazzling · 09/02/2024 08:55

I’m supporting a friend who is 18 months down the line after her DH of 30 years walked out on her for OW. Their children are teenagers and it has been very difficult. it hasn’t been easy but she has made it. She has a few cheerleaders on her side. Sounds like you have people that love you op as does she, never forget that.

Do not even contemplate letting him have more than 50% of assets. Good luck

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 09:02

Bedazzling · 09/02/2024 08:55

I’m supporting a friend who is 18 months down the line after her DH of 30 years walked out on her for OW. Their children are teenagers and it has been very difficult. it hasn’t been easy but she has made it. She has a few cheerleaders on her side. Sounds like you have people that love you op as does she, never forget that.

Do not even contemplate letting him have more than 50% of assets. Good luck

Thank you, yeah I have an amazing support network in place but just trying to figure out how to be my own main supporter (my therapist came out with that one this week and it was a bit of an "oof" moment!).

The ball is still in his court but I have the backup of the excellent legal and practical advice I've taken so it's within his interests just to agree and we can get the house on the market.

OP posts:
JadziaD · 09/02/2024 09:55

I'm sort of interested in why he thinks he has the right to more than 50% of the house? does he earn significantly more than you so think that he's been paying way more of the mortgage? It's all a bit odd frankly - he really does sound like a twat. I bet that prior to this you were still having regular sex, hanging out, doing things together etc.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2024 10:11

Got a letter from him 2 weeks ago listing everything he ever thought I did wrong which was lovely. Never wanted to marry me, I bullied him into everything etc etc. Total projection and I know it's more about him than me

I had variations of that and guess what, there was an OW and I was the witch who'd forced him into marrying me and keeping the great lovers apart. It's The Script - which isn't much comfort right now I know. It's as if they can't be happy without completely trashing you in the process.

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:30

JadziaD · 09/02/2024 09:55

I'm sort of interested in why he thinks he has the right to more than 50% of the house? does he earn significantly more than you so think that he's been paying way more of the mortgage? It's all a bit odd frankly - he really does sound like a twat. I bet that prior to this you were still having regular sex, hanging out, doing things together etc.

He paid more than me when we bought. But it's by the by as we're joint tenants AND married. He'll be arguing about £15k which will just be eaten up by solicitors if he carries on being a knob.

Yep, the rug was firmly pulled out from under me. Still reeling / shocked / sad etc etc etc but getting a little better.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 09/02/2024 10:30

It's good you have support. I'm so sorry he's turning nasty. Hopefully that'll make it easier 💐

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:30

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2024 10:11

Got a letter from him 2 weeks ago listing everything he ever thought I did wrong which was lovely. Never wanted to marry me, I bullied him into everything etc etc. Total projection and I know it's more about him than me

I had variations of that and guess what, there was an OW and I was the witch who'd forced him into marrying me and keeping the great lovers apart. It's The Script - which isn't much comfort right now I know. It's as if they can't be happy without completely trashing you in the process.

He's still maintaining there's nobody else but I won't be falling off my chair in shock when she comes out of the woodwork. Think I know who it is too.

And yes, I am the evil woman who wanted to get married to the man I loved, and who I thought loved me. Awful!

OP posts:
Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:32

Ulysees · 09/02/2024 10:30

It's good you have support. I'm so sorry he's turning nasty. Hopefully that'll make it easier 💐

Thank you. It really does. I've joined some divorce support groups too that have been invaluable.

OP posts:
JadziaD · 09/02/2024 10:38

SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:30

He paid more than me when we bought. But it's by the by as we're joint tenants AND married. He'll be arguing about £15k which will just be eaten up by solicitors if he carries on being a knob.

Yep, the rug was firmly pulled out from under me. Still reeling / shocked / sad etc etc etc but getting a little better.

Show quote history

I KNEW it was going to be something petty like this. I just KNEW It.

I have learned from both MN and in RL, that quite often, when these things happen, it feels like it's come completely out of the blue. But then, afterwards, you start thinking about things that you dismissed or thought were normal at the time and you now realise were massive red flags. Or in SIL's case, other people will mention things and she'll say, "oh, I completely forgot about that".

eg times you were reduced to tears by his behaviour. Small signs of stinginess or resentment about money. Little things he did that were negative about your family/friends. Dismissive comments about you/your career/your appearance....

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:42

JadziaD · 09/02/2024 10:38

I KNEW it was going to be something petty like this. I just KNEW It.

I have learned from both MN and in RL, that quite often, when these things happen, it feels like it's come completely out of the blue. But then, afterwards, you start thinking about things that you dismissed or thought were normal at the time and you now realise were massive red flags. Or in SIL's case, other people will mention things and she'll say, "oh, I completely forgot about that".

eg times you were reduced to tears by his behaviour. Small signs of stinginess or resentment about money. Little things he did that were negative about your family/friends. Dismissive comments about you/your career/your appearance....

Show quote history

Yep! Spot on!

We had a tough year work / health wise but nothing (so I thought) we couldn't get through. I tried to be a good wife and make home life as easy as possible. Said this to my therapist who asked "and what did he do for you?" (Another oof). Of course the answer was nothing.

I've still not reached anger stage and I hope I get there soon, the sadness is really quite debilitating sometimes and I think I can be much more productive with anger.

The house is becoming a bit of a millstone so he needs to pull his finger out.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 09/02/2024 10:43

That's good about the groups. No doubt you're hearing similar stories?

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:45

Ulysees · 09/02/2024 10:43

That's good about the groups. No doubt you're hearing similar stories?

Yes and worse. And 99% women. We really do get the shit end of the stick don't we?

OP posts:
JadziaD · 09/02/2024 10:47

We had a tough year work / health wise but nothing (so I thought) we couldn't get through. I tried to be a good wife and make home life as easy as possible. Said this to my therapist who asked "and what did he do for you?" (Another oof). Of course the answer was nothing.

I am LOVING your therapist! Grin I think this is so important though - it's very easy for men (and society as a whole) to blame women for things. To point out our failures and where we've made mistakes. But to have much lower standards for men. "Women, did you appreciate and understand that he was stressed at work, had long hours and was struggling with his mum's ill health" is a LOT more common than, "Men, have you noticed that your wife is absolutely exhausted from doing everything at home, and holding down a job and that every single time a curve ball hits your family, SHE is the one who takes the lead on sorting it out?"

Original poster
SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:52

@JadziaD don't worry, I got my list of mistakes directly from the horses mouth in his lovely letter! If I wasn't so confident about the fact I've really done nothing wrong I think I'd be in a darker place.

My therapist is amazing, I started seeing her quite early on in this and she's been a real pillar of strength for me. And because she's been with me since the beginning she sometimes can't hide how much she dislikes him 🤣

OP posts:
JadziaD · 09/02/2024 10:57

SoRainbowRhythms · 09/02/2024 10:52

@JadziaD don't worry, I got my list of mistakes directly from the horses mouth in his lovely letter! If I wasn't so confident about the fact I've really done nothing wrong I think I'd be in a darker place.

My therapist is amazing, I started seeing her quite early on in this and she's been a real pillar of strength for me. And because she's been with me since the beginning she sometimes can't hide how much she dislikes him 🤣

well done. Because sadly, quite often women take on these accusations and beliefs and the subsequent responsibility for a failed relationship etc - my SIL accepts her ex is a complete wanker, and a controlling manipulative ass to boot, but she ALSO thinks that she plays a big role in things and as a result, years after their split, he's still not actually out of her life! Sigh.

Also kudos to your therapist! Grin

JadziaD · 09/02/2024 10:58

On plus side, DH and I have had fun playing some version of Drinking-whenever-exBIL-says/does-something-insanely-ridiculous. (double points if we predicted such a statement/action).

Dontbeme · 09/02/2024 11:06

I had an email like your letter OP, it outlined absolutely everything wrong with me, from my sex drive, the fact that I was a survivor of CSA and that is all he saw when he looked at me, the times I suffered from depression ( from CSA), the fact that I always had dinner ready when he came home ( I still laugh at this one). Pages and pages of things wrong with me that justified him cheating with several sex workers and co-workers.

In the early days of discovery we attended a joint counseling session and he proclaimed to the male therapist that he was fed up of me being angry he cheated (I had discovered his infidelity a week, yes a full seven days and still hurt and angry, earlier) he had done all these things to make amends but I refused to see or accept them, so the therapist said right what have you done and we (the big superior men) would explain it so that simple me could understand.
Therapist: "So what have you done adn we will explain it to Dontbeme"
Fuckwit cheat : Silence.
He couldn't name one thing he had done to start making things right, but was absolutely adamant that I failed to acknowledge these things that he had done. The therapist just looked at me and let the silence hang in the air. I never went back to joint counseling, no point as cheat saw any emotion I had as punishment towards him, so I couldn't be sad, angry or low, I was expected to moderate my emotions to not upset him.

It may not seem like it now, but things do get better. You will go through it and for a long time I didn't feel like my old self, I felt brittle is the only way I can describe it. But in time I was okay and you will be too. I wish you well, you have got this.

caffelattetogo · 09/02/2024 11:42

I hope you and the cats are ok. What a shit he turned out to be.