Would you cut your losses?

[SoRainbowRhythms]

Together 8 years, married 4. I suspect a midlife crisis or some sort of depression. Confident there's nobody else.

DH says he has been unhappy for 18 months. He wants to be isolated, live alone and not worry about anything else except his hobbies and himself. Had slung some mud my way.

He has agreed to couples therapy and has booked his first private counselling session for tomorrow, but I feel he has one foot out the door.

We've had a tough year work / stress / health wise, and in hindsight neither of us has been totally present in the marriage.

On paper it's easy - 50/50 on the house, no kids (2 lovely cats).

In real life I am devastated. He is the absolute love of my life and I thought we'd grow old together. I hadn't accounted or planned for any of this and I am petrified at the thought of life without him.

I feel like I should just get the ball rolling and start the separation process because it's going to happen anyway, but the thought of it is crushing. I just don't know what to do.

Ain't that the truth. Turns out he was excellent at hiding the real him.

Wow! OP you are doing so well! That letter is a kick in the teeth but also a huge badge of honour. It had to be written snd sent because he can’t get to you any other way. Imagine his frustration! Next time pretend you didn’t receive it.

I had already told him I didn't want to speak to him - he just wanted to clear his conscience and I wasn't giving him that. So the letter! It was typed too, I don't know what that bothered me so much.

The days are a rollercoaster but just trying to cling on to the good bits x

It occurs to me that this letter, etc, is part of a narrative in which he is laying the groundwork to ensure he can tell people this decision was mutual or your fault - you "didn't want to work on the problems" etc. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. So he's getting all his arguments lined up for why this was necessary.

A thousand percent. I have barely spoken to any of his family (a couple of nice texts from his brother's wife but that's it. And he's got no mates) and I just KNOW his narrative is different. My friends are absolutely shocked and know that I've done nothing wrong tho, which is all that matters.

Oh I got 'I didn't want to get married but you made me' too! I had actually asked him after he proposed if he really wanted to get married because I was quite happy as we were, and he said that he wanted to stand up in public and tell everyone how much he loved me.

But apparently 'getting married is what you do' and he felt it was expected of him. I have no idea by whom! They really do rewrite history in their heads to make it inevitable that they could no longer be with you, and they make us sound so awful that you have to wonder why the hell they married us in the first place!

You hear so many stories of people leaving a relationship and then 6 months down the line realise what they really had and want it back.

I've literally never heard those stories. Never. On the other hand, I've heard lots from women who ended things and never looked back.

They really do!

He kept referring to a time years ago where, on a drunken night out, he told me he would never marry me. I got upset because I was 1) drunk and 2) it's a horrible thing to hear, but I got over it because I loved him and made peace with it.

He proposed to me a month later and told me it was all a rouse to throw me off the scent! What an actual psychopath.

As a good friend said, I don't remember asking for written confirmation or bullying a grown man into doing something (did that for 8 years apparently).

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Lots of good advice on here from nice people. I’ve been there too, it’s very hard but I’m out the other side finally and it’s so much better. At the time my therapist said the awful bit won’t last forever (and she was right) but when you’re in the middle of it it’s so hard to think there’s an end to feeling like that.
It took me a while to become angry, I was surprised by this as I thought I’d be angry straight away (ex had long affair) but I think I was so shocked that it took a while to get angry, it did come though.

It sounds like you have supportive friends and family which is great. Lots of people have had this happen and what they say is true- you will get to the other side of this and won’t feel like this forever, you really will.

I couldn’t really see that happening and felt like I was drowning in it all but they were right. Please believe you will get to the other side of this and look after yourself x

It's so good you have good friends. They make all the difference. I'm glad you aren't swallowing the crap he's feeding you.

Thank you. MN has helped me massively too - I'm not always the best at opening up but I've opened up to anyone who will listen over the past couple of months! So happy you're on the other side x

I’m so pleased you have a good therapist and a good support network. How outrageous of him wanting to have more than 50pc. I can’t see how he has a leg to stand on as you are joint tenants on the property.

I didn’t have a letter or email, I had a GRAPH!! The graph showed how exh’s feelings for me had gone down and his feelings for OW had gone up. I remember staring at it incredulously. They really do just follow the same script. It’s all about making themselves feel better about what they’ve done.

Needless to say him and OW didnt last long. Apparently he bought a house with her and had a baby with her against his will! laughable really.

Keep going you’re doing great

@Channellingsophistication I actually burst out laughing at that. A fucking graph 🤣

A graph?! Op, I know this is your thread but this comment alone needs to go into MN classics.

wtaf??!

Yes, the graph was quite shocking. luckily, I find it quite amusing now.

OP, maybe you could write your own letter back to him, then you could perhaps burn the two letters (safely in the garden or something) in a sort of letting go ceremony.

But perhaps that sounds a bit naff … I think I read it in an advice column years ago.

@Channellingsophistication my therapist actually told me to write a letter but not send it. I can guarantee that the letter came from the advice of the charlatan therapist he found. Don't think he's ever written a letter in his life!

I met up with a friend last night - quite convoluted but friends wife is STBXH's boss (I got him the job). I didn't tell my friend until recently because I didn't want to drag him into it. Turns out STBHX told his boss quite early on. Nice to know he can talk to others but not me!

Anger is peeping up a little today, nice respite from just being sad.

They don’t suffer in silence! Keeping things quiet is something they want from us, but just until they can get their ducks in a row and get their story in first.

Spot on. I could see how clever he thought he was with his little speech, and that letter reeked of it.

I'm still in "our" home, which is painful, but I'm not chasing or rushing until he agrees to the split, while he's god knows where (either with mummy who is a huge part of his problem or tucked up with his new supply!).

Quite nice to have the house just how I left it when I get home tho 🤣

Sometimes I wonder if men have The Script hardwired in their DNA (disclaimer: I don’t suppose all men are like that, but…) as they all follow roughly the same pattern when push comes to shove. I’ve been married (& divorced) twice and this all sounds so familiar.

I got the “I didn’t want to marry you” too, but in my case it was apparently his mother who made him do it, as I was pregnant. It wasn’t how I remembered his declaration of love and commitment when he proposed, obviously, but that didn’t fit the poor victim narrative he crated to justify leaving me and his children. Twat.

I’m really glad you’ve got a good support network and counsellor, even better that you have a good lawyer behind you to fight your corner. Keep reading that letter occasionally to remind yourself of the lengths he’s having to go to paint himself as the good guy, and to find the anger that will get you through the next stage.

@Channellingsophistication - oh my lord, a graph! That did make me laugh - I can see him now, tongue sticking out in concentration as he worked out the exact coordinates for that… 🤣

@abbey44 second marriage for me too, I was 25 the first time and just went on benders for months after I ended it, definitely dealing in a more grown up way this time! Sorry you've been through this too x