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Original poster

AIBU-Xmas Day Woes

110 replies

fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:02

This Xmas I have my 1st Xmas Day with my youngest son - lovely I hear you say

I am also lucky enough to have my DD stay over Xmas Eve (modern families and all that)
With my wife and step daughters (3) -all under 16

The issue is this - my wife believes I'm being selfish as will have to make an hours round trip before lunch to take DD back to her Mums - and whilst there I will see my grown up teenage sons for an hour

AIBU to have an hour with them - wife believes as its youngests 1st that I shouldn't be more than a few minutes drop off and straight back - especially as we will host teenage sons on Boxing Day ...

My rationale is that I don't get to see them on Xmas Day morning - wife has FT custody of one and the other girls are with us all Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day - a couple of hours out of 24 I don't see as an issue

I'd welcome input thanks- it's caused huge issue

OP posts:
wast542 · 21/12/2023 10:09

You are not in the wrong. I actually think your wife is being selfish. You have other children who you are also committed to. You have to share your time appropriately

Muchof · 21/12/2023 10:09

I can see both sides to be honest. You have to drop your daughter off, it would be pretty rude to do so and then drive away without speaking to your sons.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t be especially thrilled if my husband disappeared for a few hours on Christmas Day either.

tootrueblue · 21/12/2023 10:10

You should absolutely spend time with your older children too. You have a blended family and your wife needs to understand that your youngest is part of that. Time spent with them is shared.

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 10:16

So is your youngest son coming with you to drop dd off? Or is youngest son staying with your wife?

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 10:17

Or is your youngest son your wife's son too? Is your dd the full sibling of the three brothers who you will spend the hour with? Why is she coming alone then you having the boys separately the next day?

FiddleLeaf · 21/12/2023 10:18

You’re not wrong. It’s a small part of the day and I would just prioritise being with the youngest first thing.

My parents divorced at 5 and I was very used to (&enjoyed) all the comings and goings during the day.

Talipesmum · 21/12/2023 10:18

It’s not wrong to want to spend time with your sons in the morning. But to make it easier on your family, think about what your wife will be managing by herself while you’re out. Christmas morning is a hugely busy time in our house - kids want to open presents (and maybe they’d be asked to do that later when you’re back??), food needs lots of prepping, things cycling through the oven on a timetable, wanting to relax and have a fun family time with all the kids while simultaneously doing lots of time critical jobs. Your wife will have her three eldest with her, and their new half sibling baby. The baby will need a lot of looking after and she’ll be worrying about making Xmas as good and fun for her older three as it was before. And doing all the jobs without you there for two hours.

So - you aren’t exactly unreasonable, I can totally see why you want to see your kids. That should be ok - BUT talk with your wife and see what prep you can do and what else you can do to make those two hours less stressful for her. You need to be chopping all the veg the night before, covering the turkey in butter and bacon, getting all the drinks in the fridge, pre-making the starters, getting the baby food ready in advance, planning with her the timings etc.

BettyBakesCakes · 21/12/2023 10:19

I think it's fine. Once the presents are opened you're not missing anything. Is she more miffed at being left to do a lot of work (cook with a clingy baby?)

Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:19

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 10:17

Or is your youngest son your wife's son too? Is your dd the full sibling of the three brothers who you will spend the hour with? Why is she coming alone then you having the boys separately the next day?

Youngest son is ours

I'm going on my own as Wife will be with our son and her daughters for the drop off at our house

Eldest sons are over with all of us on Boxing Day

OP posts:
Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:20

Talipesmum · 21/12/2023 10:18

It’s not wrong to want to spend time with your sons in the morning. But to make it easier on your family, think about what your wife will be managing by herself while you’re out. Christmas morning is a hugely busy time in our house - kids want to open presents (and maybe they’d be asked to do that later when you’re back??), food needs lots of prepping, things cycling through the oven on a timetable, wanting to relax and have a fun family time with all the kids while simultaneously doing lots of time critical jobs. Your wife will have her three eldest with her, and their new half sibling baby. The baby will need a lot of looking after and she’ll be worrying about making Xmas as good and fun for her older three as it was before. And doing all the jobs without you there for two hours.

So - you aren’t exactly unreasonable, I can totally see why you want to see your kids. That should be ok - BUT talk with your wife and see what prep you can do and what else you can do to make those two hours less stressful for her. You need to be chopping all the veg the night before, covering the turkey in butter and bacon, getting all the drinks in the fridge, pre-making the starters, getting the baby food ready in advance, planning with her the timings etc.

Good points

I'm fully committed to getting dinner and everything prepped first to make as inconvenient as possible

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 21/12/2023 10:22

So, will you be out of the house 2 hours before lunch. While your wife has children at home and is preparing dinner.

That doesn't mean I don't think you should go but you need to see her side too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 10:23

You’re seeing your sons on Boxing Day, they’re having Christmas Day with their mum. That presumably alternates year on year. Will you really only stay an hour? Is your ex happy with you intruding on her day with the kids for an hour? It sounds scrappy and unnecessary. I’d focus on Christmas Day with the various children you’re meant to be spending it with instead of trying to fudge time with everyone.

It’s hard to work out how many children there are and with how many different combinations of parents. If you choose such a complicated set up you’re best off making plans and sticking to them rather than this half arsing it and pissing off everyone.

Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:25

BettyBakesCakes · 21/12/2023 10:19

I think it's fine. Once the presents are opened you're not missing anything. Is she more miffed at being left to do a lot of work (cook with a clingy baby?)

No- her principal is that I don't need to be long to see my eldest sons on Xmas day as I'll have them over the day after

My point is that I'm having to go there anyway (

as trying to give my daughter time with her new baby brother on his 1st Xmas -and then getting her time with Mum and her new blended family-last year all my kids were with their Mum and tbh I was miserable)

And whether im 30 mins or an hour with sons it makes little difference in big scheme as important parts ( where I wake up, opening pressies, having dinner together etc ) and the majority of the day I will be with her

OP posts:
justalittlesnoel · 21/12/2023 10:25

I'm kinda on the wife's side - it's your youngests first Christmas, you've got a 2+ hour trip out during the middle of the day (leaving her alone with multiple children to sort) possibly having to prep food / tidy up etc on her own.

You're also having them all of Boxing Day - so it's not like you're not seeing them at all! Is your ex happy to have you pop round on Christmas Day and spend time? I've never known anyone say "oh I'm just popping for an hour" and actually be an hour, especially at Christmas.

Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:25

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/12/2023 10:22

So, will you be out of the house 2 hours before lunch. While your wife has children at home and is preparing dinner.

That doesn't mean I don't think you should go but you need to see her side too.

Yes but I'm doing all lunch prep first

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 10:26

fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:20

Good points

I'm fully committed to getting dinner and everything prepped first to make as inconvenient as possible

Show quote history

I expect she thought you were fully committed to being at home for the day bar driving your daughter to her mother’s and now you’ve changed the plan. What’s the point of your daughter being there for so little of Christmas Day she’s not even staying for dinner?

Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:36

justalittlesnoel · 21/12/2023 10:25

I'm kinda on the wife's side - it's your youngests first Christmas, you've got a 2+ hour trip out during the middle of the day (leaving her alone with multiple children to sort) possibly having to prep food / tidy up etc on her own.

You're also having them all of Boxing Day - so it's not like you're not seeing them at all! Is your ex happy to have you pop round on Christmas Day and spend time? I've never known anyone say "oh I'm just popping for an hour" and actually be an hour, especially at Christmas.

Thanks all -very therapeutic to ask and read answers

I work in principle that you do what's right for you and your circumstances in first instance - without intending to cause issues or upset to others

What's right for me is that I'd like to see my children on Xmas Day - which parent wouldn't and if I can do it then I'll try to achieve that

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 10:41

You are causing upset and issues, your wife who has a young baby with you, is telling you that. But you’re going to just crack on doing what you fancy?

justalittlesnoel · 21/12/2023 10:45

The thing is "you do what's right for you and your circumstances" doesn't really fly when you've got multiple children with multiple women and want to try to do what's right for you.

What's right for you is to see your children on Christmas Day? When you've got them Boxing Day so literally less than 24 hours after? Christmas Day is just a date, you can celebrate anytime with family members. Many many families split Christmas or celebrate it on different days! It's all well and good saying you'll prep some food and sort some things, but you're still stepping out of the day to spend several hours travelling and seeing others, leaving her alone with all of the other children.

You've made more than one family so things like this just aren't going to be straightforward.

Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 10:41

You are causing upset and issues, your wife who has a young baby with you, is telling you that. But you’re going to just crack on doing what you fancy?

I understand hence the third party feedback

She's known what the arrangement is for some while - and not had an issue with it - main point of contention was either having a few minutes or just a little bit longer with my sons -ex wife and her partner fully supportive and have no issues- we will hang out in a space out of way

Anyway thanks for feedback and wish you all a happy Xmas

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 21/12/2023 10:48

Your wife needs to accept that she has married someone who has other children. You will never be able to give your entire focus to one child, as you don't only have one child. If her other DC were at their fathers and the situation reversed, would she not want to see them.

Maddy70 · 21/12/2023 10:48

Shes being very unreasonable. Dont bavk dien in thus. Your children from previous relationships are just as important abd the one you have woth her. That's the deal when blending families

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 21/12/2023 10:48

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Your youngest has no idea that it’s the first Christmas. I guess you could take youngest with you when dropping daughter back off?? The children that will be aware of where you are should be your priority, and your wife’s tbh. You’re a blended family, so blend.
Good luck!

Littlebluebird123 · 21/12/2023 10:50

I can see her point but honestly, this is what happens in a blended family. It's not selfish to want to see all kids on Christmas day. How many mums are on here complaining Dad isn't interested then slate this one for trying to make sure he sees all his kids??
I think it sounds like a bit of a pain but isn't impossible with a bit of planning.
Food prep done, presents with home family done first. Kids can play while you're gone.
When you get back you either take over with the kids or the cooking (whatever works in your house) and you enjoy the rest of the day together. It's not an essential that Christmas dinner is eaten at 12pm for example. If it won't work until 2pm then it's easy to make sure kids have eaten a brunch/snack to keep them going.
It can be worked out.
It might be that you've decided this without discussing it. Maybe she wants an input?

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 10:51

I just don't understand if you have a dd and sons with your ex wife, why are you having the daughter and then the sons at separate times? Why not just see all of them together in one go?