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Original poster

AIBU-Xmas Day Woes

110 replies

fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:02

This Xmas I have my 1st Xmas Day with my youngest son - lovely I hear you say

I am also lucky enough to have my DD stay over Xmas Eve (modern families and all that)
With my wife and step daughters (3) -all under 16

The issue is this - my wife believes I'm being selfish as will have to make an hours round trip before lunch to take DD back to her Mums - and whilst there I will see my grown up teenage sons for an hour

AIBU to have an hour with them - wife believes as its youngests 1st that I shouldn't be more than a few minutes drop off and straight back - especially as we will host teenage sons on Boxing Day ...

My rationale is that I don't get to see them on Xmas Day morning - wife has FT custody of one and the other girls are with us all Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day - a couple of hours out of 24 I don't see as an issue

I'd welcome input thanks- it's caused huge issue

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 21/12/2023 16:53

I don't understand why your daughter is staying on Christmas eve without her brothers? If they all stayed with you, you could spend Christmas morning together, do presents etc. then you could drop them all home and come straight back.
It's that that's causing the issue.

But if the boys staying isn't an option, I would just say 'yes, sorry, don't want to leave you in the lurch on Christmas day, I will drop in, give the boys their gifts and be on my way as soon as possible, hopefully within 30 mins.'.

kalokagathos · 21/12/2023 16:59

I wouldn't be bothered at all. Am a stepmum myself. The older kids will notice and one year old will not.

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 18:29

shallihaveago · 21/12/2023 16:48

I don't see the problem with popping in for a coffee. It's 2 hours out of the house max. And you've said you're helping with prep.

Re the 'own circumstance' thing - your wife knew she was marrying a man with children and so this is her chosen 'circumstance', and she should expect a certain amount of disruption around holidays etc.

I would think it very odd if you dropped your daughter off and didn't pop in to see your son. Having heard only your side, I would say she is being unreasonable.

Very well put.
I completed agree.

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 19:27

Re the 'own circumstance' thing - your wife knew she was marrying a man with children and so this is her chosen 'circumstance', and she should expect a certain amount of disruption around holidays etc.

Surely the same could be said the other way though? OP also got together with someone who already had 3 children and then they added another into the mix together.

To me, if it's agreed that the big family day - when all OP's children come presumably - is Boxing Day then I wouldn't expect to be left alone with 4 children on Christmas day as well so OP could visit with the people coming tomorrow, even for a couple of hours.

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 20:15

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza then she shouldn’t of had a child with a man who has children who want to see their dad then should she ?

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 20:16

@StardustGiraffe shes being left alone for a couple of hours.

I really do wonder how people in the real world cope with life.

shallihaveago · 21/12/2023 20:34

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 19:27

Re the 'own circumstance' thing - your wife knew she was marrying a man with children and so this is her chosen 'circumstance', and she should expect a certain amount of disruption around holidays etc.

Surely the same could be said the other way though? OP also got together with someone who already had 3 children and then they added another into the mix together.

To me, if it's agreed that the big family day - when all OP's children come presumably - is Boxing Day then I wouldn't expect to be left alone with 4 children on Christmas day as well so OP could visit with the people coming tomorrow, even for a couple of hours.

'Left alone with four children'

You're not seriously giving martyr status to someone watching their own family for what could be as little as an hour and a half?

Could the whole thing have been better planned? - maybe, but sticking to the problem in hand - it wouldn't be a big deal to me. Clearly you feel differently and that's ok.

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 20:38

Lol no not martyr status, of course not! It's not the end of the world.

I'm just saying I can see why OP's wife is annoyed and feels it's unnecessary for OP to take a chunk out of their Christmas Day when (in his own words) his boys are grown up teenagers and they're celebrating with them the very next day.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/12/2023 20:52

If it’s the first Christmas for your youngest he’s a baby and won’t care. So certainly this year I would take your daughter back, stay for an hour and come home, to help etc etc

nextyear needs planning January!

Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 21:22

If you weren't seeing your sons on Boxing Day, then I might support you more.

But it's Christmas Day, so you don't have to spend a full hour with them. On top of the drive, that's huge chunk of the day away from your other family and baby son. And presumably you have to do that drive again the following day? Why can't you drop your daughter back later and collect sons at same time? That's two hours away just with 2 journeys. Doesn't make any sense.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 21/12/2023 21:49

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 20:15

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza then she shouldn’t of had a child with a man who has children who want to see their dad then should she ?

Well presumably the teenagers had the option to stay on Christmas Eve as well and have chosen not to, and he is seeing them for the whole day on Boxing Day. So no, I stand by what I said. Choosing to marry a man who already has children doesn’t mean he has carte blanche to make whatever plans he wants.

Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 22:12

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 19:27

Re the 'own circumstance' thing - your wife knew she was marrying a man with children and so this is her chosen 'circumstance', and she should expect a certain amount of disruption around holidays etc.

Surely the same could be said the other way though? OP also got together with someone who already had 3 children and then they added another into the mix together.

To me, if it's agreed that the big family day - when all OP's children come presumably - is Boxing Day then I wouldn't expect to be left alone with 4 children on Christmas day as well so OP could visit with the people coming tomorrow, even for a couple of hours.

I agree, but to me it's not just about the principle of the matter. This is also about sensible, reasonable time management. He is doing at least two trips (possibly four?) which will mean he is away for 2-4 hours and more than that if he spends time at the ex's house. That can be easily avoided if he picks up sons as he drops off daughter. I mean, he's trying to please everyone and is obviously a devoted father. But, he lives with his new family now, so being more sensible would just....make more sense. I wouldn't like the situation at all if I was the OP's DP. It's unnecessarily excessive.

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 22:21

I can’t understand your wife at all. Any decent parent would want to see their children on Christmas Day - it doesn’t matter that they’re coming on Boxing Day in the slightest.

Xmas day is Xmas day and it’s all about seeing the joy/excitement and happiness of your children. Yes spouses matter but you have Christmas holidays with each other.

You’ll be lucky if you get 18 Xmas days with your kids so grab the chance when you get it.

Also consider asking your ex wife if you can have your kids from 3pm every Xmas day this way both parents get to see their kids on Xmas day abx the kids get to see both parents!

This is a battle worth fighting

IhaveanewTVnow · 21/12/2023 22:22

Of course you want to see your children on Christmas Day. Who wouldn’t!!! There are so many posts on here about parents feeling sad that they are not with their kids on Christmas Day.

it’s one day, the baby doesn’t know. If you have dinner at 5 when you return I really don’t see the problem. Do remind your wife that there are many families that are not together because of work, distance etc. she has her family around her so should be grateful.

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 22:25

Tbf he did say the boys were grown up teens, maybe one drives? Or maybe ex is dropping them off. He might not be doing it all.

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 22:35

You left your wife not your kids!

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 23:51

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza so he has to not see his kids because the step mum can’t cope for 2 hours alone ?

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 22/12/2023 07:41

@Forgotmylogindetails He’s not not seeing his kids. They presumably could have stayed over like their sister on Xmas Eve/xmas morning but didn’t want to. He is seeing them on Boxing Day. Lots and lots of step families have one of Christmas Day or Boxing Day. You’re making it sound like he won’t see them until the new year.

Plus I feel like this line from the op is telling
I work in principle that you do what's right for you and your circumstances in first instance - without intending to cause issues or upset to others
I rather suspect he does what’s right for him quite a lot.

StardustGiraffe · 22/12/2023 07:50

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 23:51

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza so he has to not see his kids because the step mum can’t cope for 2 hours alone ?

Also he's going to see them Christmas day anyway because he's dropping his daughter off.

He could easily pop in, have a drink and wish them merry Christmas before heading home, rather than making a point of a more prolonged visit when they're coming over the very next day.

They're older teenagers, OP will probably be lucky if they're out of bed 🤣

AgnesX · 22/12/2023 07:57

Three hours out of the house is a lot ....ie there and back plus the hour with the boys.

Why don't you move lunch to dinner and have bacon butties or something for a late breakfast before going to your ex's. And then staying for half an hour (which is probably what'll happen anyway not just a few minutes).

FloweryName · 22/12/2023 08:12

You are doing nothing wrong and your wife is being selfish.

While it might be inconvenient for her to have the other adult leave the house for a couple of hours on Christmas Day, it is to be expected when there are already so many older children in this family.

Your wife is being horrible expecting you not to spend time with your older sons on Christmas Day. A little bit of time on their own with you will probably mean more to them than the whole of Boxing Day when they will also be sharing you with half and step
siblings as well.

Quartz2208 · 22/12/2023 09:21

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 22/12/2023 07:41

@Forgotmylogindetails He’s not not seeing his kids. They presumably could have stayed over like their sister on Xmas Eve/xmas morning but didn’t want to. He is seeing them on Boxing Day. Lots and lots of step families have one of Christmas Day or Boxing Day. You’re making it sound like he won’t see them until the new year.

Plus I feel like this line from the op is telling
I work in principle that you do what's right for you and your circumstances in first instance - without intending to cause issues or upset to others
I rather suspect he does what’s right for him quite a lot.

Edited

same and there is a sense of you have your kids on Christmas I don’t and I want to see them.

it is also interesting that the teenage sons aren’t there, having spent Christmas with their mum the year before either. if they wanted to they could spend time with him, they presumably chose not too.

All of Christmas Day revolves now around his timetable, then he has everyone Boxing Day. The wife expecteddrop off pop I say hello, stay a few minutes and then say see you tomorrow. Given one assumes he is dropping his daughter off for lunch he is then pushing everyone food back an hour just to accommodate this

WhatNoRaisins · 22/12/2023 09:29

I don't see the point in the 9 year old sleeping over Christmas Eve and then going home in the morning. It all sounds a bit complicated, wouldn't it just be better to spend quality time with her and her brothers on Boxing day rather than all this toing and froing? It doesn't sound fun for anyone.

raspberrybeeret · 22/12/2023 09:39

It's a bit annoying for your wife but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it- it's one of the aspects of blended families she'll have to make peace with. YANBU- it would be completely odd to not talk to your sons as if it's just a transaction not a family Xmas day.

FloweryName · 22/12/2023 09:39

it is also interesting that the teenage sons aren’t there, having spent Christmas with their mum the year before either. if they wanted to they could spend time with him, they presumably chose not too.

They are teens, so it isn’t particularly interesting. They want to stay at their regular home instead of spending Christmas Eve with their Dads new wife and all her children. Nothing unusual about that, and it’s also understandable that even though the arrangement is the way it is that their Dad still wants to see them on Christmas Day.

He’s saying he’ll do all the lunch prep before he goes even though he should be focusing on his DD, what more can reasonably be expected of him when he has children that live elsewhere?

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