Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU-Xmas Day Woes

110 replies

fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:02

This Xmas I have my 1st Xmas Day with my youngest son - lovely I hear you say

I am also lucky enough to have my DD stay over Xmas Eve (modern families and all that)
With my wife and step daughters (3) -all under 16

The issue is this - my wife believes I'm being selfish as will have to make an hours round trip before lunch to take DD back to her Mums - and whilst there I will see my grown up teenage sons for an hour

AIBU to have an hour with them - wife believes as its youngests 1st that I shouldn't be more than a few minutes drop off and straight back - especially as we will host teenage sons on Boxing Day ...

My rationale is that I don't get to see them on Xmas Day morning - wife has FT custody of one and the other girls are with us all Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day - a couple of hours out of 24 I don't see as an issue

I'd welcome input thanks- it's caused huge issue

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/12/2023 10:52

Could you take your youngrst

and what are the timings I can see leaving at the busiest part of the day getting lunch on the table and how time can easily get away from you

i can see both sides, I think you need to see it outside of your desire to see all your children and she needs to see yours. And try and recharge a compromise

TheOccupier · 21/12/2023 10:59

This is confusing. So your youngest child is actually a baby? I can't be doing with people who make a big deal over "baby's first Christmas" and/or use it as an excuse/guilt trip. A baby has no idea what Christmas is. YANBU to spend a little time with your teenage children on the 25th as long as you shoulder at least 50% of the Christmas workload.

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 11:03

Why would your sons not come with your daughter to see you on Christmas Eve?

Tbh I have to admit I'm with your wife - I wouldn't be anti you popping in to wish them a Merry Christmas, but you are spending the whole day with them on Boxing Day, why would you need to specify that you're staying for an hour instead of just a hello and maybe a drink? Surely you're also intruding on your ex and her partner's Christmas Day if you plan to hang out with your boys 'out of the way'?

Unless there will be other adults at your home on Christmas Day, I think you're being unreasonable. I have a 1yo with my DP too and I would not be happy if he decided to go out for a big chunk of Christmas Day, leaving me alone with 4 children - especially if it was in order to chill at his ex's for an hour!

If you weren't celebrating with your boys the next day it would be different, but on this occasion I'd be more concerned with not leaving my wife in the lurch in your shoes.

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 11:06

Quartz2208 · 21/12/2023 10:52

Could you take your youngrst

and what are the timings I can see leaving at the busiest part of the day getting lunch on the table and how time can easily get away from you

i can see both sides, I think you need to see it outside of your desire to see all your children and she needs to see yours. And try and recharge a compromise

I doubt OP's wife would want him taking her baby to his ex's house on his first Christmas??

XmasPartyhat · 21/12/2023 11:09

Am i right in my understanding of this - your ex had your older children all day on Christmas last year? But this year you only have one of them for the morning AND need to get them back to your ex for lunch?

Why aren't you having your all of own children all day like your ex did last year? Surely that would save so much faffing about and disruption?

XmasPartyhat · 21/12/2023 11:10

XmasPartyhat · 21/12/2023 11:09

Am i right in my understanding of this - your ex had your older children all day on Christmas last year? But this year you only have one of them for the morning AND need to get them back to your ex for lunch?

Why aren't you having your all of own children all day like your ex did last year? Surely that would save so much faffing about and disruption?

I'll just make my point - you are prioritsing the needs and wants of your ex over those of your wife.

pizzaHeart · 21/12/2023 11:16

How old is your youngest? I agree with @TheOccupier - babies don’t care about Xmas, it’s just a day for them so your wife is being ridiculous there.
Is it about too much work? Lower and relax your standards
However, and it is a big however, are you one of this people who won’t stick to their word and won’t come back as promise and won’t be able to say “ no” to an alcoholic drink or a cup of tea or whatever in another house? Maybe it’s the reason why your wife is against you going into the house. And in this case she is right.

Just dropping your daughter on the driveway would be a bit rude. On the other side your ex might be very busy and actually don’t want you coming in, sitting and chatting etc. She might prefer you staying no more than 10-20 minutes. And teenager sons might be not so bothered so coming in just for 15 minutes might be plenty.

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 11:19

last year all my kids were with their Mum and tbh I was miserable

Bet that was fun for your wife Hmm

honeylulu · 21/12/2023 11:24

I think it's fair enough to see all of your children on Christmas morning if you can. Your wife will get to see all hers!

But I can also see why she's grumpy about two hours juggling Christmas Dinner cooking and a baby (plus 3 other kids). I would be too even if I knew I was unreasonable.

Can you take the baby with you? Would your wife prefer that?

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 11:25

Also - think about whether it's worth royally pissing your wife off for the sake of an hour?

What are you going to be returning to if you go ahead? Does it have the potential to throw a bad vibe over the whole day?

stayathomer · 21/12/2023 11:26

God it all sounds hard. I can see all of your points and have teens and have no doubt they’d just hunker down and expect to stay in the house all day (and that’s justified too!) Hope it gets sorted op but I will just add that you do have to see your teenagers one way or the other, I wonder could you bring the baby and then your wife can have some time on her own? Im no help, it’s so difficult!!

craigth162 · 21/12/2023 11:42

Assume youngest son is under 1 as forst xmas...he wont give a monkeys if you are gone for a bit or not!

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 11:54

craigth162 · 21/12/2023 11:42

Assume youngest son is under 1 as forst xmas...he wont give a monkeys if you are gone for a bit or not!

Yeah but his wife and mother to that child will notice and does mind.

Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 12:16

stayathomer · 21/12/2023 11:26

God it all sounds hard. I can see all of your points and have teens and have no doubt they’d just hunker down and expect to stay in the house all day (and that’s justified too!) Hope it gets sorted op but I will just add that you do have to see your teenagers one way or the other, I wonder could you bring the baby and then your wife can have some time on her own? Im no help, it’s so difficult!!

Appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 12:17

honeylulu · 21/12/2023 11:24

I think it's fair enough to see all of your children on Christmas morning if you can. Your wife will get to see all hers!

But I can also see why she's grumpy about two hours juggling Christmas Dinner cooking and a baby (plus 3 other kids). I would be too even if I knew I was unreasonable.

Can you take the baby with you? Would your wife prefer that?

Im more than happy to - may well suggest that !

OP posts:
Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 12:18

pizzaHeart · 21/12/2023 11:16

How old is your youngest? I agree with @TheOccupier - babies don’t care about Xmas, it’s just a day for them so your wife is being ridiculous there.
Is it about too much work? Lower and relax your standards
However, and it is a big however, are you one of this people who won’t stick to their word and won’t come back as promise and won’t be able to say “ no” to an alcoholic drink or a cup of tea or whatever in another house? Maybe it’s the reason why your wife is against you going into the house. And in this case she is right.

Just dropping your daughter on the driveway would be a bit rude. On the other side your ex might be very busy and actually don’t want you coming in, sitting and chatting etc. She might prefer you staying no more than 10-20 minutes. And teenager sons might be not so bothered so coming in just for 15 minutes might be plenty.

9mnths

DD is 9

OP posts:
Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 12:19

pizzaHeart · 21/12/2023 11:16

How old is your youngest? I agree with @TheOccupier - babies don’t care about Xmas, it’s just a day for them so your wife is being ridiculous there.
Is it about too much work? Lower and relax your standards
However, and it is a big however, are you one of this people who won’t stick to their word and won’t come back as promise and won’t be able to say “ no” to an alcoholic drink or a cup of tea or whatever in another house? Maybe it’s the reason why your wife is against you going into the house. And in this case she is right.

Just dropping your daughter on the driveway would be a bit rude. On the other side your ex might be very busy and actually don’t want you coming in, sitting and chatting etc. She might prefer you staying no more than 10-20 minutes. And teenager sons might be not so bothered so coming in just for 15 minutes might be plenty.

And an hour max is an hour and I don't a drink so not an issue

OP posts:
stepintochristmas1 · 21/12/2023 12:24

Step families are always different and your wife has to remember that and her new son is part of a step family . It's not always plain sailing , she can't just pretend they don't exist because they do , the sooner she swallows that the easier life will be .

Crikeyalmighty · 21/12/2023 12:34

I think your wife is in the wrong. When she met you you already had a family - you are no longer with your ex but your children don't conveniently for her vanish into the mist

If you marry someone with a previous family situations like this are par for the course and she should accept them in good grace

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 12:35

stepintochristmas1 · 21/12/2023 12:24

Step families are always different and your wife has to remember that and her new son is part of a step family . It's not always plain sailing , she can't just pretend they don't exist because they do , the sooner she swallows that the easier life will be .

He has to remember he’s chosen to marry again and add another child to an already complicated situation and that having remarried his wife is entitled to her own feelings and wishes.

She’s not the only one who’s brought a baby into a many children by many people picture, OP was presumably an active participant. It’s his job to navigate it for the best of all concerned, not just himself.

rookiemere · 21/12/2023 12:54

There was a thread a few weeks ago from the opposite viewpoint of this - the OP was the one going to be left on their own for a couple of hours. I didn't understand her viewpoint then and I don't get your DWs viewpoint now.

She should be glad that you are a good DF who wants to spend a bit of time with his DCs on Christmas day. Your baby won't know the difference but these teens will.

Allwelcone · 21/12/2023 12:57

OP don't offer to take the baby I think it wpuld inflame the situation as your new partner wants to have the idealised first Christmas. An hour in the car ain't a part of it and will rub her nose in it that she's in a blended family with all the complications that come with that.

MaxTalk · 21/12/2023 12:59

Isn't Xmas a bit of a waste of time and energy. This all seems exhausting.

Your wife seems hard work. Sorry.

MaxTalk · 21/12/2023 13:00

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 12:35

He has to remember he’s chosen to marry again and add another child to an already complicated situation and that having remarried his wife is entitled to her own feelings and wishes.

She’s not the only one who’s brought a baby into a many children by many people picture, OP was presumably an active participant. It’s his job to navigate it for the best of all concerned, not just himself.

Show quote history

His wife knew the situation all along so she has no right to get funny about things.

The OP is being a good dad and she should recognise that.

pizzaHeart · 21/12/2023 13:02

fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 12:18

9mnths

DD is 9

Show quote history

In this case I think your wife should relax and just work out the schedule- bearing in mind that babies don’t follow schedule as such 😆. Your plan is not unreasonable as long as you stick to the plan.

Swipe left for the next trending thread