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Original poster

AIBU-Xmas Day Woes

110 replies

fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 10:02

This Xmas I have my 1st Xmas Day with my youngest son - lovely I hear you say

I am also lucky enough to have my DD stay over Xmas Eve (modern families and all that)
With my wife and step daughters (3) -all under 16

The issue is this - my wife believes I'm being selfish as will have to make an hours round trip before lunch to take DD back to her Mums - and whilst there I will see my grown up teenage sons for an hour

AIBU to have an hour with them - wife believes as its youngests 1st that I shouldn't be more than a few minutes drop off and straight back - especially as we will host teenage sons on Boxing Day ...

My rationale is that I don't get to see them on Xmas Day morning - wife has FT custody of one and the other girls are with us all Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day - a couple of hours out of 24 I don't see as an issue

I'd welcome input thanks- it's caused huge issue

OP posts:
Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 13:03

MaxTalk · 21/12/2023 12:59

Isn't Xmas a bit of a waste of time and energy. This all seems exhausting.

Your wife seems hard work. Sorry.

It's like you live with me .....🤣

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 21/12/2023 13:08

When you get involved with, let alone marry and have a child with, a person who has previous children, then this is the sort of stuff you need to be sensitive too. Merged families is all about this sort of stuff, and it's unfair to have the older kids miss out on seeing their parent on Xmas day, and lord knows I've had to deal with years of working out plans. Adults have to make allowances

1967Kitherly · 21/12/2023 13:11

From what I gather OP’s wife has children from a previous relationship also? If that’s the case if she was the one wanting to go and see them for an hour, regardless of them coming the next day or not, and her husband wasn’t happy about it the guy would get shredded. Go and see your kids OP, you get the morning with your daughter, your stepchildren and your new baby and the rest of the day at home after you have dropped your daughter off.

MaxTalk · 21/12/2023 13:11

fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 13:03

It's like you live with me .....🤣

Show quote history

You seem like a good guy. Take some time out for yourself. This time of year we spend too much time worrying about others leading to the inevitable stresses - do what makes you happy too.

See your kids and enjoy their company. If your wife has a problem with that, it's her issue.

Rosiesmummy17 · 21/12/2023 13:12

You’re not being unreasonable in my opinion. It’s my son’s first Christmas (3 weeks old) but I’ll be driving 2 hour round trip to take my daughter to her dads whilst my baby stays at home with his daddy (current partner). He has no issues with that at all because he totally accepts the reality of having a child with someone who also has a child/children with someone else.

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 13:29

stepintochristmas1 · 21/12/2023 12:24

Step families are always different and your wife has to remember that and her new son is part of a step family . It's not always plain sailing , she can't just pretend they don't exist because they do , the sooner she swallows that the easier life will be .

She has 'swallowed it' because she's spending Boxing Day with OP's sons too?

She just doesn't want him disappearing for at least 2 hours in the middle of Christmas Day, leaving her to cook lunch whilst also dealing with with 4 children, including a baby, alone.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 21/12/2023 13:32

Is it really about it being baby’s first Christmas? If I was your wife I would be irritated by the plans you’ve made which seem to involve a fair bit of to-ing and fro-ing and seeing different children at different times instead of just making a plan that didn’t spread its self out so much, and had you seeing all the children at the same time instead of multiple trips over what’s already a a really busy time of year.

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 13:50

Being gone for 2 hours on Xmas day (to spend time with your kids) is absolutely fine and your wife is being selfish.

If it was 4+ hours then I’d be on her side but 2 hours is not a big deal.

You could compromise and stay 30mins instead but I wouldn’t budge from that.

If your sons live at home with their mum, would she be ok with this?
Most ex’s wouldn’t be happy with their ex being in their home for an hour on Xmas day.

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 13:56

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 13:29

She has 'swallowed it' because she's spending Boxing Day with OP's sons too?

She just doesn't want him disappearing for at least 2 hours in the middle of Christmas Day, leaving her to cook lunch whilst also dealing with with 4 children, including a baby, alone.

Show quote history

3 of those kids are not biologically OPs and so she would have been a single parent.
I’m sure if she could cope with being a single parent to 3 kids, she’ll be able to cope with them for just 2 hours.

You don’t need both parents to look after the baby all of the time.

If OP needed to drop her DCs to their dads, then OP would be told to cope with his own kid for 2 hours.

OP has already said he’ll help out with all the dinner prep etc.

They have a blended family.
That means there will be times when OP is picking his kids up etc.
If you’re not happy with this then don’t be in a relationship with someone with kids.

MaxTalk · 21/12/2023 13:59

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 13:50

Being gone for 2 hours on Xmas day (to spend time with your kids) is absolutely fine and your wife is being selfish.

If it was 4+ hours then I’d be on her side but 2 hours is not a big deal.

You could compromise and stay 30mins instead but I wouldn’t budge from that.

If your sons live at home with their mum, would she be ok with this?
Most ex’s wouldn’t be happy with their ex being in their home for an hour on Xmas day.

Some people are too sensitive for their own good

Quartz2208 · 21/12/2023 14:06

what is her actual issue, baby first Christmas or you up and leaving fir two hours her with a baby and the final dinner prep and the dinner being potentially later due to this. Do you even know what her actual issue is. She seems to be ok with your DD be8ng there and everyone coming over for Boxing Day so what is it about this hour

and I’m sorry but doing what is right for you is a selfish perspective as well has there being any discussion or you just saying this is how it is going to be, because it seems as if that is the case.

work out what the actual issue is and workaround thst doing what is right for everyone and not just you and not just your wife

festivetinseling · 21/12/2023 14:33

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 10:41

You are causing upset and issues, your wife who has a young baby with you, is telling you that. But you’re going to just crack on doing what you fancy?

Yes, and the OP has other children. You cannot be seen to prioritise your new baby over your older children. The OP's wife is the unreasonable one here.

The new baby won't know or care that it is Christmas anyway.

Screwballs · 21/12/2023 14:43

You're clearly only here to be told you are right, stating the feedback is noted is ridiculous, don't ask if you don't intend to act on it, because I sure as hell know you'd be chucking it in your partners face if everyone said she was in the wrong.

You said you should do as you think is right, but that literally only suits you. I'd be pissed off too in your partners shoes. It's one day, you can pop in and see them for a few minutes knowing you have them the next day, you don't need to hang around for an hour while she's rushes about without you. The drive itself is long enough, you really are taking the mick to be honest. It's your sons first christmas. Saying you are spending the other hours of 24 with her is just ridiculous, factor in babys naps and actually, you are spending a lot of awake time away from him and your partner.

Anyway, you do you, you are going to anyway, but don't have the gall to come on here expecting back up to rub in her face. If you had any respect for her, you'd at least be meeting in the middle on this. As long as you're OK though hey.

stepintochristmas1 · 21/12/2023 14:44

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 13:29

She has 'swallowed it' because she's spending Boxing Day with OP's sons too?

She just doesn't want him disappearing for at least 2 hours in the middle of Christmas Day, leaving her to cook lunch whilst also dealing with with 4 children, including a baby, alone.

Show quote history

We all deal with shit at Christmas time , I had a husband who would regularly have to go on tour (armed forces) overseas and leave me to give birth , deal with Christmas on my own with the kids and no other family near by .

Screwballs · 21/12/2023 14:45

festivetinseling · 21/12/2023 14:33

Yes, and the OP has other children. You cannot be seen to prioritise your new baby over your older children. The OP's wife is the unreasonable one here.

The new baby won't know or care that it is Christmas anyway.

Show quote history

Yes, I'm sure if dad fucked off on the first child's first christmas to see other family, everyone would be saying "baby won't remember anyway". It's funny it's always the first wives club's that had the benefit of the undivided attention that seem to think it's fair to expect any future children to suck it up and be second best.

Loopytiles · 21/12/2023 14:48

Baby’s first christmas is irrelevant IMO, unless the comcern is sharing the parenting / xmas day domestic work.

Screwballs · 21/12/2023 14:48

Loopytiles · 21/12/2023 14:48

Baby’s first christmas is irrelevant IMO, unless the comcern is sharing the parenting / xmas day domestic work.

I'm sure it was irrelevant when it was your child's first Xmas too.

baileys6904 · 21/12/2023 15:23

Screwballs · 21/12/2023 14:45

Yes, I'm sure if dad fucked off on the first child's first christmas to see other family, everyone would be saying "baby won't remember anyway". It's funny it's always the first wives club's that had the benefit of the undivided attention that seem to think it's fair to expect any future children to suck it up and be second best.

Show quote history

I'm a second wife. It's not about wives. It's about kids having access to their dad on Xmas day, no matter what order they were born in

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 15:24

I actually think you seem like a really nice dad trying to see all your children.

I think anyone trying to make you feel bad for that needs to give their head a wobble.

your children will see you for an hour … your wife has you all day. She is being selfish.

the fact your helping prep everything as well… you really can’t win on here sometimes.

BinkyBeaufort · 21/12/2023 15:29

If your current wife chose to marry someone who already had children she has to accept situations like this.

You are trying to be a good dad to all your children and she needs to respect that.

I do agree that you should do everything you can beforehand to help with the Christmas preparations and chores.

StardustGiraffe · 21/12/2023 15:35

@Sugarsun @stepintochristmas1 Yeah but his wife is not trying to stop him seeing his kids? He will see them when he drops off his daughter in any case, and he's seeing them for the whole next day when they come over to celebrate?

If popping in when he drops his daughter off was his only chance to see his older boys then I would be saying different. But as they're coming over on Boxing Day I can completely see why his wife feels fed up about him wanting to hang out at his ex's for an hour (+ hour round trip) for the sake of it when she's left to do dinner (regardless of prep OP has done) and manage 4 children, including a baby.

Original poster
fingerflicker · 21/12/2023 16:00

Sugarsun · 21/12/2023 13:50

Being gone for 2 hours on Xmas day (to spend time with your kids) is absolutely fine and your wife is being selfish.

If it was 4+ hours then I’d be on her side but 2 hours is not a big deal.

You could compromise and stay 30mins instead but I wouldn’t budge from that.

If your sons live at home with their mum, would she be ok with this?
Most ex’s wouldn’t be happy with their ex being in their home for an hour on Xmas day.

Yes her and her partner are totally fine with it

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/12/2023 16:35

Rereading your post though are you jealous that your wife has full time custody of one abd the other two are there all Christmas but your teenage sons are at their mums for Christmas.

why is your daughter coming and not your sons then.

the problem seems to be you are fixed in one particular line of thought

stomachameleon · 21/12/2023 16:47

@fingerflicker why is your daughter coming and not your sons? Why split them?

I don't think your in the wrong to want to see your children but wouldn't that make life easier?

shallihaveago · 21/12/2023 16:48

I don't see the problem with popping in for a coffee. It's 2 hours out of the house max. And you've said you're helping with prep.

Re the 'own circumstance' thing - your wife knew she was marrying a man with children and so this is her chosen 'circumstance', and she should expect a certain amount of disruption around holidays etc.

I would think it very odd if you dropped your daughter off and didn't pop in to see your son. Having heard only your side, I would say she is being unreasonable.

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