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Original poster

Partner admitted he thinks I’m a terrible person

107 replies

thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:25

Heartbroken and don’t know how to act or move forward. We’ve been going through a difficult period and when discussing it today partner admitted that he found one on one time with me awful because I’m not a nice person when I’m not around other people.

i was feeling broken before but now it’s another level. We have a young daughter together. He is pushing for us to work it out even though I’m so depressed but yet he thinks I’m an awful person. I feel sick and gutted it’s come at Christmas. Has anyone ever moved passed something like this?

OP posts:
KittytheHare · 20/12/2023 23:28

That sounds like such a cruel and nasty thing to say to someone. Also in no way helpful in moving forward. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you asked him what exactly he means by his statement?

Deedee37 · 20/12/2023 23:31

I assume he said this out of anger/hurt (not that it makes it ok though). If he thought you’re a terrible person, why would he choose to be with you? I’m sorry that he’s being a dickhead…maybe you can sit him down and talk to him about this again when things have calmed down?

Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:32

thank you this sounds really dramatic but currently having actual chest and stomach pains about it all. I don’t even know how to be in the same room as him now knowing how he feels about me.

he says infront or other people I am fun and nice to be around but around him he said I use a tone of voice that he hates and that I say nasty things.

I do admit I nag about things and feel upset with him a lot of the time (he likes a lot of personal space and often moans if I ask to watch something together etc - he’d rather do his own thing and makes that very clear).

I asked him why he wants to stay with me and he says because I’m a good mother and he still fancies me. He thinks that’s enough.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 20/12/2023 23:34

If you’re depressed, have you been formally diagnosed and medicated to help deal with it?
When I was depressed I wasn’t a particularly nice person to be around, I’ll happily admit!

Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:34

He also says it’s hard with a young child and he sees the situation we’re in. I’m having some really sad thoughts that I haven’t had in a very long time

OP posts:
Throthetowelin · 20/12/2023 23:34

Did he say 'youre a terrible person' or did he say he found one on one time with you awful when you're not around other people. They're quite different and if it was the latter given you've been having a bad time maybe it's true and he is finding it awful.
It's not nice to hear of course but sounds like he's unhappy. Did you both have a conversation about it?

Hipnotised · 20/12/2023 23:34

How young is your daughter?

Only you know if this is unlike him usually. Are you both getting enough sleep?

sandyhappypeople · 20/12/2023 23:35

Are you getting any help with your depression op?

Minglingpringle · 20/12/2023 23:35

So do you want to stay with him?

it doesn’t sound like you enjoy his company much.

Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:36

@Deathbyfluffy i haven’t felt good In myself since my daughter was born but thought it was the sleep deprivation. I will force myself to see drs though, I don’t know why that hasn’t crossed my mind I haven’t ever taken anything for depression (but have had therapy when younger).

OP posts:
Namechangedworriedmama · 20/12/2023 23:36

He sounds really unkind. I very much doubt you are a bad person.

I had a glimpse at your threads (hope you don't mind) and you seem to be going through a lot lately. Your partner should be a lot more supportive.

You created a thread to ask for advice to make sure your guests felt as welcomed as possible.

The fact that he said you were a terrible person when alone, sounds, to me, like he knows he's bullshiting and he knows everyone else will say otherwise and he doesn't want you to seek validation from them.

If you were a terrible person, I doubt you'd care this much

Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:39

@Throthetowelin he said if I’m really honest I think you’re an terrible person to be around 1on1. Then when he saw my reaction he said not all the time 80% of the time.

he is probably right I just don’t know where to go from here and I don’t know if I have the strength to raise my daughter alone. I have let her down so much I feel sick

OP posts:
Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:41

@Namechangedworriedmama thank you appreciate that. I think I probably am not the best to be around it’s just a shock to hear it. I did ask him to say honestly how he felt about me at the moment as I could tell he wasn’t happy.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/12/2023 23:41

He's a nasty man who is trying to manipulate you somehow with his words. Without further detail it's hard to be precise but basically he's saying something that you and he knows is untrue, the most likely reason for that is emotional manipulation.

Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:41

@Hipnotised under 2, she’s up 3 times a night usually

OP posts:
TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 20/12/2023 23:42

My DH has suffered from depression a couple of times and it's hard to see him being (maybe acting) happy and 'normal' around others but then have all the depressed behaviours at home. I know it's not his fault but it makes me hurt too, it's not just him affected by his problems.

Sounds like you need help with your depression and a good discussion, maybe a bit of couples therapy.

WandaWonder · 20/12/2023 23:42

It's hard to commas we only have your version, all you can do it make small changes I guess

Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:44

@Minglingpringle when he is being playful and kind he is great to be around. We have a really good day every few weeks (usually a family day). He is generally quite a grumpy person but he says I need to not take it personally. I’ve tried to explain that his moods impact my moods but he doesn’t understand how it can when he’s telling me he’s not annoyed at me. But it creates a tension / atmosphere which is hard to live with every day

OP posts:
Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:45

@TwinklingLightsEverywhere thank you it’s good to hear that side. Do you still feel like you love your partner during their bad times if you don’t mind me asking

OP posts:
Throthetowelin · 20/12/2023 23:48

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/12/2023 23:41

He's a nasty man who is trying to manipulate you somehow with his words. Without further detail it's hard to be precise but basically he's saying something that you and he knows is untrue, the most likely reason for that is emotional manipulation.

This is such a leap. Maybe op is a terrible person to be around at the moment and her dp is trying to communicate with her about it. What should he do? Not say anything?

I know I've been a terrible person to be around at times.

Op have you tried counselling either together or individually? You can both choose to work on things. Things are salvageable I'm sure. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time but I think given you're posting on Mumsnet it sounds like you want to work on it.

sprigatito · 20/12/2023 23:48

Sorry to be so blunt, but this guy is a manipulative piece of shit. He knows exactly what he's doing and how he has made you feel. He wants you to stop asserting yourself, stop objecting to poor behaviour, stop expecting to have your needs met, stop expecting to be treated with respect. That is what he means by "nagging" and the crap about not using a nice tone of voice. He is conditioning you to accept that you matter less than he does.

Original poster
thisbetheverse · 20/12/2023 23:49

Sorry I’m a bit all over. I guess I’m really asking if anyone has gotten through feeling like that about someone and made it through the other side, I.e thought your partner was a terrible person and then changed your mind. Or is the Damage done

as you say @WandaWonder i need to take small steps to change, I think I’m going to have to do what I do around other people and try to be happy/more fun infront of him

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 20/12/2023 23:50

Maybe he shouldn't "take it personally" when you're a bit grumpy then? Sounds like double standards.

whynotwhatknot · 20/12/2023 23:52

so hes allowed to be grumpy and youre not

JFDIYOLO · 20/12/2023 23:53

Please make a doctor's appointment to talk about your depression.

Hard though it is to suffer from it, it's also incredibly hard to be around a person who has it.

And it must be hard to see you behaving differently around others to how you might be around him.

The way he told you could be seen as cruel - or his own despair talking.

We do often see threads by despairing women with depressed husbands who won't get it treated, and it goes both ways.

Do you both want to put this right?