Partner admitted he thinks I’m a terrible person

[thisbetheverse]

Heartbroken and don’t know how to act or move forward. We’ve been going through a difficult period and when discussing it today partner admitted that he found one on one time with me awful because I’m not a nice person when I’m not around other people.

i was feeling broken before but now it’s another level. We have a young daughter together. He is pushing for us to work it out even though I’m so depressed but yet he thinks I’m an awful person. I feel sick and gutted it’s come at Christmas. Has anyone ever moved passed something like this?

'If I’m having a breakdown now though how will I handle raising her on my own I don’t feel capable. I’m so angry at myself for letting her down. She is likely better off without me I know that will sound ridiculous as no one wants to loose their mum but at this moment it feels true.'

@thisbetheverse Please don't judge yourself in the state that his behaviour has reduced you to. That's what his behaviour is designed to achieve: compliance through guilt. This is exactly what gaslighting IS.

You feel incapable not because you really are, but because you are full of anger - rightly - but you are directing that anger at yourself because it's simply too scary to direct it at him.

No way will your daughter will be better off without you; you know that. Without you, she would be in the 'care' of a manchild who can't be arsed to get up from his computer to even help you cook food for her, let alone look after her all by himself.

Crikey OP he's straight up abusive, coercive, controlling, gas lighting and the rest of it. He is literally making you sick. It's really important that you hold onto the fact that the problem is largely him, not you.which of course means that you can't fix the problem except by separating from him.

It's really hard to see the wood from.the trees when someone is messing with your mind but every single time you doubt yourself, remember what we've all told you - it's him, not you.

May you find the strength and support to move on from this toxic nightmare.

@thisbetheverse Your username tells me you know the poem of that name by Phillip Larkin - and presumably you find something significant to you in it. The poem goes:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

The most heartbreaking line is the 2nd: 'they may not mean to, but they do.' This is Larkin telling us we can't escape this cycle of psychological pain and despair; it's beyond our will, it's automatic. OP, it isn't; trust me. Sure, these are powerful forces. But good people can & do break the circuit of parental neglect all the time. There are no perfect parents, but we can avoid neglecting our children even if we were neglected ourselves.

Larkin was a brilliant poet but a deeply pessimistic man. He was formed by miserable experiences; his mother suffered with terrible mental health and his father was a Hitler admirer. This is not all of us, this is a man mired in misery making himself feel better by telling us we're stuck in it too. We are not; we have agency; you do too. Maybe you chose your username because you see yourself as 'fucked up' by childhood experiences? Well, you can break the cycle for your daughter by protecting her from a violent and psychologically abusing father. Fuck Phillip Larkin.

@Thingumabob i didn’t know what to say at first, I’ve never felt so seen 🙈 thank you, I really really appreciate that, I feel like you’ve flipped a switch in in my head that I’d been struggling to connect / get to.

id been worrying about the wrong thing - not repeating the cycle myself (divorced parents both re married and divorceed again!) when the real wrong thing is bringing up my daughter in a toxic environment.

On reading your thread, I thought he may have a point, until I read about his behaviour in the Supermarket. He's mad. Why should you stand in one place and why can't you move around and browse like all other couples when they go shopping?

Next time let him go shopping on his own. He has.some lazy, controlling characteristics about him.

You also mentioned that he said therapy won't help as you both know the issues...but therapy can help you with how to address the issues and help communicate.

It can help you relay your feelings on a safe environment.

Here to help! :) and I'm glad.

Yes, even today I think there's still quite a strong taboo re divorce. Maybe it depends how old you are; I'm in my 60s so all those stories blaming society's ills on 'children from broken homes' that used to be standard newspaper fare have probably had their effect. Oh no, am I going to 'break' my child's home, what sort of monster am I? I must strive to be stronger.

Not been through divorce myself, and my parents didn't divorce either, but the environment that existed in our 'unbroken' home was one that I ran away from as soon as I was able, same as my 3 older brothers. Larkin would've had a field day in our house: he'd have pointed to my parents as they drank, smoked and argued themselves to death, and said, "See?"

Partner's parents divorced, and by all accounts not a moment too soon. If homes are broken, the breaking takes place well before the legal mechanisms start turning. Don't blame yourself. A 'good' wife and mother is no longer one who absorbs all the work/criticism/sadness for everyone in a home. And sacrificing yourself won't work even if you could manage it. You can't isolate children from what's going on, they have eyes, ears and brains.

Other posters on this thread know more about the violence angle than me, and what steps to take to protect yourself. Before hearing about his attack on you, I was thinking, maybe he can change. People do, and relationships are often the means by which they change; we don't enter them fully equipped for everything that's going to happen - certainly true for me! But violence changes the playing field so much, it has to, because of the possibility of further violence. I can only wish you all the strength you need to get through this, and move yourself to a better place to bring up your daughter.

Agree @Thingumabob

Homes can be “broken” whilst both parents remain under one roof.