Partner admitted he thinks I’m a terrible person

[thisbetheverse]

Heartbroken and don’t know how to act or move forward. We’ve been going through a difficult period and when discussing it today partner admitted that he found one on one time with me awful because I’m not a nice person when I’m not around other people.

i was feeling broken before but now it’s another level. We have a young daughter together. He is pushing for us to work it out even though I’m so depressed but yet he thinks I’m an awful person. I feel sick and gutted it’s come at Christmas. Has anyone ever moved passed something like this?

So you have a very young child. You are sleep deprived. You are doing the bulk of the parenting. he lazes in bed until 11 am and games and enjoys himself when you ask him for help. He polices your tone and impacts your moods by being moody. he holds you to a high standard because you are an extension of him and you need to come up to his standard.

It's abuse darling. .

This is a useful graphic @Nicole1111 wheres it from?

Reading this with rage- be very, very wary of a man who thinks you are an extension of him and therefore subject to his standards and oversight. Like hell!

Be careful- men can become much more open in their selfish controlling behaviours after you’ve had a baby- they know you are trapped.

yes, he can ‘reform’ a bit- that’s realising you’ve overshot and been pulled up for it so dialling back a bit. Then gradually you let it slip and then try it on a bit more.

He’s training you to be sunshine and light and let him do whatever he wants. If you show you are unhappy he punishes you.

Your partner is abusing you, OP. He's telling you you're horrible and making you believe that any and all problems in your relationship are due to your attitude/personality rather than his behaviour.

Case in point: he gets up at 11am, and Usually I would make a remark about this and complain about it being unfair, but i managed to hold my tongue.

So as long as you do everything without complaining, never hold him to account, never criticise, never express tiredness, boredom or any negative emotion, never expect fairness, never ask him to do his bit, never need to take a break, never feel low, never raise your voice, never express your needs, never have any needs, and never suggest you think he is less than the most amazing person in the world, everything is fine.

Great. Now all you have to do is keep that up for the rest of your life.

My lovely, your precious daughter needs YOU in her life. Your useless, lazy, abusive partner is gaslighting you into thinking that you are the problem.
But he is the problem. He could not look after his own daughter because he doesn't know how. He's got you to do that.
On the other hand, without him in your life dragging you down, you could probably do it all with one hand tied behind your back. Having to do everything without help, but also with the added burden of him sniping at you and undermining you, is what is dragging you down.

You said not many but ANY of those behaviours are abusive, especially if they are happening on a regular basis. I also think you need to spend some time researching what gas lighting is.
Please also be gentle with yourself about your daughter. It sounds like you wouldn’t be feeling like this if it weren’t for your partner.

It's so hard to see when you're in it, but from an outsider's perspective, what he is doing to you is abuse. His behaviour towards you is abusive. His treatment of you is abusive. It's emotionally abusive. His lying and gaslighting you is mentally abusive.

Your little girl needs you, and you sound like an amazing mum. Please trust and believe that this man could not last 24 hours as a single father.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to - a friend, a sister? You are going to need some support to get out of an abusive marriage.

He has answer for everything though and makes me feel like I’m insane for bringing things up. Like he has this weird thing when we go to Morrisons I have to be where he wants me to be with the trolly and can’t go browse down another isle. When I said that feels controlling he says I’m nuts because it makes sense for the trolley to be closer to him so he can put the items in easily. But he’ll spend ages analysing the same type of bloody veg so I’m stood there needlessly.

I just wish he would try too like I did today but I don’t think he’s ever going to is he. I’m back home now and given my daughter a cuddle.

thanks everyone you helped me go from feeling hopeless to feeling angry (in a fuck this way). I was wrong to shout infront of my daughter and shouldn’t be putting her under that sort of stress so this isn’t something I can just ignore anymore.

He’s trying to keep you under supervision in the supermarket. He could push the trolley and let you wander off.

I'd talk to him about it. My DP has issues that come from a previous abusive relationship. If he's stressed or upset his behaviour is practically abusive, nit picking, shouting and tantrums if he's asked to do anything, he also lies about things I've said and refuses to admit he's wrong EVER. I spoke to him and he acknowledged he has been awful and is seeking counselling... was better for a few weeks but has reverted back to being vile again this week so I think I'm done. He is a good dad and a good person but I do not want to be around him one on one anymore as I'm worried he will start being mean again. The reason I've said all this is could it be possible that you have been " awful" to be around for whatever reason ? This doesn't make you an awful person but maybe he gets the brunt of it when you are down or annoyed as we normally do take it out on those closest to us. Hopefully a good honest talk will allow him to explain how he is feeling, he obviously loves you and doesn't want to leave.

This was my instinct too.

He has hit you exactly where it will hurt and he has cut you off from the natural route of seeking reassurance from others.
Whatever they say, he will counter with it only being when you’re alone.

Actually, very calculated and cruel.

Don’t think it’s you who is the terrible person.

Sorry op just saw your post further down and actually think he may be the issue if he's grumpy and you only have the odd " good" day. He may be saying you are not nice to be around to manipulate you into thinking it's all your fault. Life is hard with young children does he do his fair share and give you time to rest. If not then you probably do sound annoyed when you speak to him and so you should. Please don't worry about life as a single parent, honestly it's much easier than having a child and a man child to deal with.

I know this is a total drip feed but I had buried this in my mind and nothing at all has happened like this since (I have not told anyone about this or written it down). When our daughter was around 6 months old and laying on our bed we were arguing and he attacked me infront of her. It didn’t last long probably a minute but I couldn’t breath. He has never done anything like this in our almost 9 year relationship which is why I let it go but someone mentioned earlier thaT things change when a baby is involved and now I wonder if I’m seeing a New side to him or if it’s always been there.

I still do take accountability for me being depressive around him and I still think it’s both of us but I don’t know if he will be able to change.

@Tiredmummy201 so sorry to hear you’ve been going through this too. My partner keeps saying it takes time to change and that I’m not giving him enough tries. But I think when you’re at the end of your patience and energy it’s hard to try like I have today and get it thrown back in your face. If your partner has shown he can change though it is a positive sign - maybe it is just a process

Honestly, I am really cross on your behalf.

You remind me so much of me when I was in a relationship with an utter arsehole.

You describe how you’re going to change and behave differently etc. Mould yourself into someone different.

Now if you can just figure out who you are supposed to be in his mind, maybe then he will approve?
Bad news, you will never get there as the goal posts will simply move and change every time.

Have you really stopped to check and think whether this is right.
Why is your instinct to change and also to put yourself down, bad mother etc.

Be very careful falling hook, line and sinker for this.
Honestly, I hope I’m wrong but sounds to me like you have picked yourself up a dementor, sucking all joy and ease of being out of each day.

By the way, I also thought I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own with kids as I was already such a mess.

Eventually, I saw him doing the same crap to our child. Boundaries I couldn’t hold for me , I could hold for my child.

Strangely enough, my lack of self confidence, jitteryness and general self deprecation went out the door with him.

Wishing you well

This really was a drip feed post, but I understand. What stands out to me is some signs that he might be abusive but making you out to be the one with the problem. Then you end up depressed. Has your relationship been like this for a while? I mean, he's gaming whilst you're doing responsible parenting, and refusing to help you when he knows you're going through a tough time. He has openly said he doesn't like being with you alone, but he is allowed to be grumpy when you're not. I am suspicious that it's not you with the problem, you're just being made to think it is.

Frankly, every post on MN about an unpleasant event in a relationship, 9 times out of 10 turns out to be just the icing on the cake. What is he really like? He sounds shitty.

Wait, what?!
If he's capable of that, the rest of your post is kind of besides the point. Get away from this man! No wonder you're depressed.

He is abusive @thisbetheverse
And as you’ve discovered, things only go well when you toe the line. He isn’t going to make an effort. Why would he when it’s your fault for not stepping up anyway?

As fur been able to raise your dd on your own, you’ll be fine. You’ll be fine because you are self aware and are willing to make efforts. AND you won’t have someone chopping away at your self esteem day in and day out. You won’t have to deal with abuse and wondering if you’ve lost your mind or you’re an awful person.
I don’t know of your depressed just now but I’m sure your MH will improve greatly Wo him.

@Firefly2009 it has been the only time in almost 9 years though, and nothing since. We we’re on about 4 hours sleep a night at that point too so I gave some leniency for that.

In terms of the rest of the relationship, he is a good dad when he spends time with her, he does do his share of the housework just not the childcare, when we have a rare date night or family day I feel like the happiest person alive as we have fun together. Which is why it feels selfish to break up my family rather than just accepting him for who he is. My mind goes back and forth on it. But at the same time I’m loosing myself and that is impacting my daughter too like shouting tonight.

I wish I could be more self assured and ignore his rudeness but his moods just impact me so much. I have emailed some therapists tonight anyway

Thank you for those sharing stories of how they were able to cope (and thrive from the sounds of it!) as a single mum that does fill me with more confidence if that’s the path it ends up going down

Well he is talking shite because it it is not even logical. If you are awful, he would leave. He is not leaving. He is just trying to guilt you into changing into what he wants.

Really just cannot be arsed with nagging. He needs to realise if he gets his finger out and shares life appropriately, you won't need to nag? Or he is just a twat.

Your update is heartbreaking. Ok so he only did it once. But it's there all the time in your head isn't it. The possibility that he might do it again if you argue too much. The threat of violence, he didn't even have to say anything in all the time since.
You've experienced it once and you know he is capable of it again.
He's not just cruel, he's dangerous, and you and your daughter deserve a safer happier life.

It sounds like he manages his behaviour ok day to day as long as you’re doing as you’re told. When you challenge him though he deflects to make you believe the problem is you, gas lights you so you feel insane, or one occasion attacks you. As someone who works with LOTS of victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse please take me seriously when I say this is only going to get worse.

As it gets worse your daughter is only going to become more and more damaged, as a result of the emotional impact of being exposed to domestic abuse, which is often significant and sometimes can be life long. She’s also at a physical risk as she may try and protect you as she gets older and get caught in the cross fire.

I really really really think you need to think about leaving. By this point though he will have shredded your self esteem to the point where you doubt if you could manage alone. Please know that you are more than capable of managing alone, as you’ve been strong enough to survive in an abusive relationship.

I would recommend your next steps be
Confiding in a family member or friend about what’s going on
Contacting your local domestic abuse charity for 1 on 1 support
Speaking to your gp about your mental health but share your concerns that they may be related to ill treatment by your partner.
I would avoid
Telling your ap (asshole partner) he’s abusive. This is because he is likely to try and manipulate you in to believing you’re wrong.
Sharing any intentions you have about leaving, as that can increase the risk.

You are missing the point. The fact that he is capable of doing it at all says a lot about him. The other positives you mention are, to me, a really low bar to set for a relationship. Plus all the other stuff you've mentioned.

I'm glad to hear you found some anger, OP. Keep that glowing, that's your natural response to the abuse you're experiencing.

And no, he is not a good dad. Good parents do not abuse anyone in their child's household. I bet she already knows she has to be "good" for daddy. He will control and abuse her directly in time.

Abuse always escalates. It never goes away. It always, always escalates. He's tried to kill you (stop you breathing) once before. He is terrifying. Please start making plans to safely get away.

'It has been the only time in almost 9 years though, and nothing since. We we're on about 4 hours sleep a night at that point too so I gave some leniency for that.'

OP, I've done shift work for 40 years and had 3 kids, I know sleep deprivation can shorten your temper to like, 5 seconds. When tired to bits, I've snapped, flown off the handle, said things I instantly regretted. But I have never physically attacked my partner and my partner has never physically attacked me. The 'normal' number of physical attacks in a healthy relationship is ZERO. But you know this; my guess is, that's why you didn't mention it at first. It's scary.

I'm sorry, but I think your relationship is hanging by a string. Only you know if your partner is capable of changing, but he's got a huge hill to climb in terms of respect for you and truly sharing in running your household and raising your child.

What on earth is he so scared of? Looking after his own daughter should be a pleasure. Why should you do more, whether housework or childcare? Because you're 'the woman'? 'The mother'? This is the 21st century, for goodness' sake. I agree with the other posters: you would be better off without this constant drain on your self-esteem.

You're worried about breaking up your relationship, but on the evidence you've given, it would be better broken, for both you and your daughter.

I'm not saying that lightly; in general, I think Mumsnet comes to that conclusion a bit too easily. But a man who has taken the liberty of hitting you has stepped across a line; he'll find it much easier to cross it again - and to save this relationship, you're going to be facing him with some hard truths about himself. Can you be sure he won't lash out again when you do?