Partner admitted he thinks I’m a terrible person

[thisbetheverse]

Heartbroken and don’t know how to act or move forward. We’ve been going through a difficult period and when discussing it today partner admitted that he found one on one time with me awful because I’m not a nice person when I’m not around other people.

i was feeling broken before but now it’s another level. We have a young daughter together. He is pushing for us to work it out even though I’m so depressed but yet he thinks I’m an awful person. I feel sick and gutted it’s come at Christmas. Has anyone ever moved passed something like this?

@Throthetowelin yes it's a leap if those were bare facts but if you read all the OPs details and the background from previous threads then going on what she says (which is all we can do here) she isn't terrible. He sounds like he's the one who is difficult to be around, if I'm being an areshole to my DH (I can be v difficult) then sometimes I say unkind things about his character to turn blame away from me - I.e. manipulation.

I shouldn't have said he 'is' a nasty man, I should have said it is a nasty behaviour, as is mine at times.

@sprigatito i have worried about some of this in the past but he has changed behaviours when I asked him to. For example when I put on weight after birth and couldn’t shift it he would make jokes about it and when I communicated how upset it was making me he did stop.

I think it’s really hard to hear and admit but I think he is likely right about me at the moment.

Aw OP - I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a pretty terrible person to say something like that to you.

This makes very scant sense, except as a tactic whereby he gets to maintain his power by keeping you feeling down, and uncertain of yourself and dependent on him.

How could you be a terrible person and, simultaneously, be such a good mother? How could he be attracted to you and want to live with you romantically if he feels you’re a terrible person? If he thinks his partner is a terrible person why isn’t he trying to end things, why bus he actively trying to maintain the relationship?

On the other hand, if you blow hot and cold with someone and tell them you think they are awful in private (while behaving as though you like them in public and remain sexually available to them) then you are creating and perpetuating the idea in their mind that they need you, that they are incompetent or unlikeable to others but that you are prepared to overlook their supposed shortcomings, that they therefore depend on you and can’t manage without you…

This may be a one-off conversation, but it strikes me it may also be part of a pattern of behaviour (and one that sometimes only becomes clear after you’ve had a child with someone unfortunately).

I think going to the GP is a really good idea if you’re feeling down, but I also really highly recommend downloading Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? and see if it reasonates with you. (Don’t tell your partner - you can get it on kindle/Apple Books apps and read discreetly).

That book did more for my mental health than years of personal therapy (and relationship counseling) at a fraction of the cost!

You may not find it relatable in any way, of course - but from what you’re saying I think you might find it a very compassionate and empowering read…

My exH said this kind of thing to me. I was depressed had a very young child, was sleep deprived.

Looking back, I would’ve had a lot more to smile about if he’d pulled his weight. I also think that he was a big part of my depression.

obviously- I can’t tell whether your DH is BU or is just a bit clumsy with words, but his behaviour is having a negative impact on you.

id recommend counselling- by yourself, and later together- to get to the bottom of this.

but I would say that it sounds like he’s putting the blame on you here for your problems. Perhaps a guilty conscience/ deflection because deep down he knows/ or is worried that he’s the cause of it.

obviously- I’m using my own experience as a point of reference and could be way off the mark here! But please consider it.

Of course he can turn the volume up and down as necessary to keep you in line - it's ALL about control. Think back over your relationship. I bet he regularly upsets or criticises you just enough to unsettle you and keep you off balance, but stops just short of causing a major confrontation. This is the way he wants it, for now. He's conditioning you. Give it a few more years and you'll be a bit more cowed, a bit more demoralised, a bit lonelier and less confident...that's when the real abuse kicks in.

Tell him he's a horrible person when he's not arround others, when 1 on one with you.

Op he's trying to control you, your depression is linked to this man, neglecting you and shutting you down when you want his attention or affection by the sounds of it.

Of course you're going to be unhappy with a moody, miserable, (sulking I bet ) man who likes to do his own thing.

Just because you have his child doesn't mean you should bow down to this man and his moods and requests of being a more accomodating person, bullshit. He's trying to train you like a dog to not expect anything from him, by destroying your confidence. He's a cruel piece of shit who has made you overly self aware of hurting others now, your self esteem must be on the floor.

What should you say...

Tell him, he is not a pleasant man, he is unkind, he finds pleasure in pulling you down and demolishing your confidence, he is cruel and not a good role model to your child as he has no morals, denigrating the mother of his own flesh and blood.

He's disgusting, shaming you into thinking you are a horrible person, when it is him.

I would find a nicer man who supports you and will be at your side, and on your team, because this man is not.

You don't need enemies when you have a partner like this, this man will pull you down.

Thank you all. I’ll get a gp appointment sorted asap to deal with the depression and will ask about counselling together too - he has said he would try this but he’s adamant we don’t need it because all they would do would tell us what we already know we need to work on.

thank you for the audio book recommendation I’ll download that too (part of feeling like I do at the moment means I can’t sleep very well anyway so at least it means I’m not laid here with my own thoughts).

thanks to everyone who took the time to reply I started off in tears but feel like I have some actionable bits to focus on now instead rather than wallowing!

@sprigatito he is bad for criticising (part of it is he holds himself to very high standard and says he sees me as an extension of him which is why, that he doesn’t mean to be hurtful etc).

But I do think I have let myself get too low without doing anything about it. I will take your thoughts onboard but I do want to take some responsibility for how things are too

Absolutely, I agree with taking responsibility for your own wellbeing and I wish you all the best. FWIW I think you sound lovely, self-aware and insightful. Not a terrible person at all

I‘m really glad you’re feeling a little less hopeless OP. Reading apps are great for late night baby wakings!

Please read the book and see the GP before committing to any joint counseling as, in some situations, it can actually do more harm than good. Hopefully most people don’t take pleasure from, or gain reassurance in themselves by, hurting others. But if someone has that trait, because of their own entrenched insecurities which you have no peer to change, it is be emotionally unsafe to be in therapy with them.

Remember what a great mum you are, and how caring a person you are. None of us are perfect - all we can do is our best, taking one day at a time…

Power not peer 🤦🏻‍♀️

This one is very very very hard to judge without being a fly on the wall. It could well be that you’re not feeling yourself and you’re taking that out on your partner, or it could be that he is being abusive using subtle put downs to ruin your self esteem and keep you reliant on him. What do you think your gut is telling you? Do you think he’s right or do you feel the way you are with him (for example “nagging”) is a justifiable response to his behaviour.

Anybody who said what your partner said, is a terrible person. This is obviously not going to help you reconcile and if he thought this then he must be exceptionally stupid. I think he was just being nasty and trying to put you on the back foot by hurting your feelings. I suspect you might be a lot happier without him. I mean at his best you describe as a generally grumpy person who wants to do things on his own and creates an unpleasant atmosphere. I mean why do you want to reconcile with this awful grumpy, nasty man? It's no wonder you're not happy with him. When he said that it would have been over for me because I have boundaries.

Your partner should be the person who has your back. I am sure that in the thirty years plus I have been married I have been upset and unreasonable at times. On occasion, he might have been unreasonable. We have had arguments over the years but neither of us have ever said anything that unkind. I look forward to him coming home to spend time with us.

I am sure you are a great mother. I am not sure he is a great father though or any sort of good partner material. You will get through this and hopefully after you've given the bubbling cesspool of nastiness the heave ho.

Can’t you see the irony in him being grumpy but telling you you’re a terrible person because you respond to the atmosphere he creates?

He’s a terrible person.

Myself and DH went through a stage, it was a horrible, horrible time.
I couldn't see any point in having him around, he had really let me down and I didn't think I could see a way forward.

What I would do, in your position is say to him how you feel. It sounds like you are suffering from postnatal depression.

You haven't felt like yourself since having your DD, so in some respects, he may be right, there may be a tone to your voice that he's picking up on. Maybe you are bone tired and are struggling with the emotional and mental changes that have happened since becoming a mother. If we're all honest, most of us struggle.
How did we get back to some sense of normality?

I think we both needed to be really open with each other. We spoke about how I make him feel, and how he makes me feel.

We discussed that we needed to be more open to being clear about our emotional, mental and physical needs. Before this it was like we were in a physical one man upmanship of who was struggling the most with feeling crap, and that was building resentment. We've got back to the point where we are recognising each others needs and putting them first sometimes.

We've also discussed that we have started to fall into a bit of a coparenting rut, we've forgotten our relationship. Or even what we like about each other.
Once a week, we try to have a nice time as a couple, maybe watching half a film before bed. We send each other a few videos from tiktok or Instagram every few days, generally try to have some semblance of a relationship outside of our child.

Also, if we're really struggling I boil it down to, you are the other parent of my children.
I trust no one with them more than you, I see you parent our kids, and I see kindness, I see vulnerability, I see a person who is committed enough to them, that you'd die for them. Even if that is the only reason I can find to love and respect you, its because of those values our children will grow up feeling loved... and we work from there.

He has had times where he's expressed that every time he struggles with me, all he has to do is look at how I am with our kids, he knows he could never see me as bad, when he's seen the softness that our children bring out in me.

It isn't always easy, but he needs to work with you, and being a present partner...and to really appreciate how motherhood has changed you.

We undergo massive changes in pregnancy and the first few years, and actually if your partner realises these, how could he ever see you as bad?

Sounds like you may being manipulated by a narcissist. His behaviour is really odd quite possible that you’re depressed. Need to see a GP about that but look at his behaviour around you. Is he controlling really big red flag I’m sure you’re not an awful person you just sound very stressed and your partner is obviously manipulating you

'He is generally quite a grumpy person but he says I need to not take it personally. I’ve tried to explain that his moods impact my moods but he doesn’t understand how it can when he’s telling me he’s not annoyed at me.'
People often project on to others, a mirror of themselves.
In this context, he is irritable but he thinks you are.
I'm not saying this is what is happening here but I think it probably is. It is common.

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to be around you because he prefers being completely on his own.

But in a partnership couples do spend time together, and when you try to, he pushes back at you and is grumpy. He's not really partner material.

So I would take with a pinch of salt what he says about you being a terrible person. Anyone who stops him from doing exactly as he pleases would be seen as a terrible person.

@thisbetheverse I'm so sorry that this is hard.

I don't think I can judge how reasonable or unreasonable he is.

You asked him to be honest. Presumably he was - but - in that moment...

It sounds like your biggest priority right now is to get help for your depression.

You've had depression in the past, I think, and now you may have postnatal depression, and sleep deprivation. So, it's completely understandable if you feel depressed.

Please look after yourself, you are very important, to you, to your daughter, and I suspect you and your husband can work on the relationship and have a better future. But you need to work on your own mental health first. You are worth it. xxxx

OP, three things:

1. Everyone does the nicer-when-around-others thing; in my experience in relationships, familiarity and the stress of childrearing can all too easily lead to lazy, less kind behaviour between parents - and, at its very worst, contempt.

Of course you're sometimes nicer when you're around other people - that's because you don't live with them, their behaviour doesn't impact you as much as your partner's does, and there's a social pressure to be at least polite to guests, or friends you're out with. It does not mean you're a terrible person; it may just mean you've got an issue you want to discuss with your partner, and my guess is, he doesn't cope well with any criticism. Bouncing your criticism back on you is psychological projection; it keeps him from having to admit he's in the wrong, and comforts him with the conviction that you're to blame and he's to be pitied for having to put up with you. This is downright mean.

1. Were you actually arguing when he said these hurtful things? That doesn't have to mean shouting or even raised voices; being at emotional loggerheads counts. Because we all say things we don't actually mean in arguments.

You might have a tendency to believe that it's in arguments & disagreements that the 'truth' comes out, that people say what they really mean. But the opposite is often true; people may begin their interaction feeling aggrieved about something the other person has said, done or not done, and say deliberately hurtful things in a spirit of revenge. Again, it's mean behaviour and you're right to be upset by it, but it's not necessarily the truth. Don't let your partner control what you believe is or isn't true. He's not the oracle!

1. It's not surprising you're getting depressed. And, as others have said, depressed people can be hard to be around; I've definitely got that t-shirt! So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: it starts with some telling you a lie just to hurt you, and then when that hurt makes you depressed, suddenly it's true - you really are no fun to be around, what did I tell you? Mean, mean, mean.

Your feeling sick is the result of stress. Your body goes into fight-or-flight mode and produces cortisol (and other hormones) which tries to shut down non-vital functions like digestion.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. All relationships have problems, and arguments. But they don't get solved by this sort of one-sided blaming. Problems are rarely down to just one person.

One other thing: you're not an 'extension' of him - no-one is an extension of another person; that sounds like old-fashioned, sexist 'I own you, your behaviour reflects on me' crap - and he very, very clearly does not 'hold himself to a very high standard'. If he did, he wouldn't be saying such unkind things to you.

Can you get yourself & your daughter to a calmer place - a parent or friend's house, perhaps - where you can get a break? At some point you're going to have to decide whether he's capable of treating you with kindness and respect; it's going to be difficult to do that while you're under this sort of pressure.

I think he's projecting. If you were such a bad person then how could you possibly be bringing up a child to the best (repeat best) of your ability because from what I've read I don’t believe you've let your daughter down at all. It looks like he doesn't like being nagged, because he knows he's not pulling his weight. So he is projecting that back onto you to shut you up by making you question who you are as a person and parent. I bet your little girl has every need met by you, every day, has your full support and love. But he's not living up to that himself as a father. So you're the whipping boy because he feels guilty but can't be arsed to put the effort in to resolve the situation. If I've got that right then he is despicably cruel. He can be inadequate all on his own. And you can continue to excel as a parent on your own. He's waving a huge red flag here because he's (rightly) insecure. Don't let him plant it in your home.

Your totally wrong, coming from a family of a few depressive members it's exactly what happens. They put on this happy,chatty front in front of friends etc but when home they are totally different, snappy,argumentative,naggy etc etc and quite frankly not nice though be around. So poster yes you do need to get to the doctor's and get some help, you've already admitted to feeling bad about things anyhow but it can be a nightmare for the people around you unknowingly to you. Tbh your other half did good speaking up so get onto the drs

My sister is like that. Lady Bountiful life of the party around friends, who think she's a witty, kind saint,but treats close loved ones like shit in private.

So far she's lost two nice husbands, a great boyfriend, because of her critical, demanding nastiness behind closed doors. Similar to our mother.

I spent nearly two months living with her this fall waiting on her hand and foot when she broke her ankle.

And as a result of her ungrateful, shitty treatment (while her friends who visited all but got their feet licked) am no longer on speaking terms. Doing my own thing for Christmas and no desire to visit or help her again.

Take a look in the mirror; maybe he has a point.

Well said, @Ladyj84

You're probably depressed because you live with a man who shows no care or affection to you and says nasty things.