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Original poster

AIBU that he invited his friends to spend NYE with us?

107 replies

sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 15:42

Me and my partner got engaged last NYE so its our anniversary date. I have been pretty relaxed about plans this year; he suggested we go for dinner in town and then maybe back over to his sisters house (who has his other sister over, and her kids) after dinner. We were going to play it by ear, but he mentioned today that his 2 friends have asked what he is doing and he has invited them over to the sisters after too.
I don't want to sound hard work (I know mumsnet users love slamming that on people) but wonder if the friends going have now made it feel like a un-family related event, one of the friends is single so will come along and most likely now smoke drink and smoke weed with my partner (partner probably wouldn't of done this without friends there) and one of them is in a relationship but no mention of bringing her. Would you be annoyed your fiance didn't run this by you first or not bothered at al?

OP posts:
TheCurlyKnobhead · 20/12/2023 15:44

I'd be annoyed if I was his sister and he was intending to bring his drug smoking friends to my house without asking

FriedasCarLoad · 20/12/2023 15:48

I'd be disappointed not to have been asked first.

But if he smokes, drinks, and smokes weed and you don't, are you sure this is someone you want to marry and potentially have children with? His behaviour now is your best guide to his future behaviour.

Original poster
sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 15:52

TheCurlyKnobhead · 20/12/2023 15:44

I'd be annoyed if I was his sister and he was intending to bring his drug smoking friends to my house without asking

She used to smoke too - so wouldn't be concerned at all. It would be more embarrassing for me as she knows I want him to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 15:54

FriedasCarLoad · 20/12/2023 15:48

I'd be disappointed not to have been asked first.

But if he smokes, drinks, and smokes weed and you don't, are you sure this is someone you want to marry and potentially have children with? His behaviour now is your best guide to his future behaviour.

Thanks. Good question. He says that smoking weed is better than drinking alcohol. I am disappointed not to be asked first; but he makes me sound like a drama queen if I try to explain why I was disappointed; not sure the best words to use?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/12/2023 15:59

I would just end it, he won't stop smoking weed because he doesn't want to and I wouldn't have someone smoking that around my children.
Has anything been organised for the wedding? Set a date? Booked a venue?
Or did he just ask you to marry him, give you a ring and make no moves to start planning?

spookehtooth · 20/12/2023 16:00

Yea, I'd be annoyed. Are there other examples of a lack of consideration for you?

On top of that, there's the I'll give up weed .. later. Why wait if he's serious?

If not considering you is a regular thing, I'd think seriously about both of these things and ask myself "if he never changes, am I going to be happy?" Only you can answer that

Original poster
sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 16:02

spookehtooth · 20/12/2023 16:00

Yea, I'd be annoyed. Are there other examples of a lack of consideration for you?

On top of that, there's the I'll give up weed .. later. Why wait if he's serious?

If not considering you is a regular thing, I'd think seriously about both of these things and ask myself "if he never changes, am I going to be happy?" Only you can answer that

Because he is saying he is only giving up for me and that he doesn't see a problem with it and enjoys it

OP posts:
WhatTheFuk · 20/12/2023 16:06

He smokes weed, drinks, puts his friends before you. You will only be more miserable if you tie yourself to this man.
Your values will seem even more at odds once you add children to the mix.

It's not too late. You don't have to be so desperate to marry into this.

Pumpkinpie1 · 20/12/2023 16:08

He sounds awful

Olika · 20/12/2023 16:10

Not your question but Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who regularly smokes weed. He cannot stop it for you as that will always be that one things that comes between you when things are challenging. He needs to want to do it for himself.

Indifferentchickenwings · 20/12/2023 16:13

Id be mildly annoyed

but surely NYE is a good time to be social

i also disagree that smiling weed and drinking in NYE is a portent of doom
it’s what I’ll be doing 🤷‍♀️

you know him better

TedMullins · 20/12/2023 16:15

I agree with him that smoking weed is better than drinking alcohol and no I wouldn’t be bothered by friends joining because I don’t see why friends and family have to be kept separate if everyone gets on. But if you don’t like weed smoking or share the same values don’t marry him!

SanFranBear · 20/12/2023 16:15

I'm on the other side of this - New Years is typically more of a celebration with everyone as opposed to a family thing so inviting his friends (provided the host doesn't mind) seems like a normal thing to do. I'm also not sure I'd see this as an anniversary as such - getting engaged is important but it's the Wedding that's the anniversary, isn't it?

Also, with regards the smoking - you're entitled to your views and if they're very anti-weed, that's fine. However, for a lot of people it is another way to celebrate and spend time with friends and I couldn't get angry about it - especially as this isn't something new.

I think your being a bit precious - sorry!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 20/12/2023 16:46

I'd be fuming. He's inconsiderate, immature and doesn't know his arse from his elbow. Get a new partner. You'll be wiping his nose forever.

perfectcolourfound · 21/12/2023 18:10

I wouldn't stay with him.

Aside from the fact he made NYE plans without consulting you, he smokes weed, smokes and drinks. And doesn't see any reason to give up.

It will get worse. You'll end up hating him for it.

Lavenderflower · 21/12/2023 18:13

I would say that New Year is a social event so I wouldn't be annoyed.

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 21/12/2023 18:13

I wouldn’t necessarily have much of an issue with him inviting his friends but it would’ve been nice to have been asked first.
You seem to be setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment with this man. I’d be having a very good hard think about whether that’s what I’d want to settle for.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 21/12/2023 18:40

sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 16:02

Because he is saying he is only giving up for me and that he doesn't see a problem with it and enjoys it

Show quote history

He isn’t going to give up if he is only giving up for you.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 21/12/2023 18:44

I think that because it’s his sister who is doing the invite/party, there was no need to run it by you first.

It’s his sister party. Up to her to decide how she wants to run it iyswim.

The fact there will be someone smoking weed etc… shouldn’t have an impact in you. If this means your bf ends smoking you when you are against it, your issue is about why you are with someone with such different values to you. Not the party itself iyswim

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/12/2023 18:48

sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 15:54

Thanks. Good question. He says that smoking weed is better than drinking alcohol. I am disappointed not to be asked first; but he makes me sound like a drama queen if I try to explain why I was disappointed; not sure the best words to use?

Edited
Show quote history

Take it from one who knows as my DB started smoking weed, hash whatever you call it, at 15, turned him into a classic dope head. And it got worse. Best thing he did was meet his first wife who had DC (not his) and she insisted he gave up weed smoking when they got together and he did. Weed smoking isn’t better than drinking alcohol and they both have their downsides but if weed was so harmless they’d sell it in shops wouldn’t they?!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/12/2023 18:49

perfectcolourfound · 21/12/2023 18:10

I wouldn't stay with him.

Aside from the fact he made NYE plans without consulting you, he smokes weed, smokes and drinks. And doesn't see any reason to give up.

It will get worse. You'll end up hating him for it.

This. Makes plans without consulting you and you’re engaged. Only way is down.

Mazuslongtoenail · 21/12/2023 18:52

NYE is a night for friends imo. I think it’s unreasonable to claim it as an anniversary and therefore write off socialising.

Is the engagement of getting engaged a thing anyway?

WandaWonder · 21/12/2023 18:52

You both sound hard word I don't see what good will come of any of this

The friends bit seems the least of the issues

OfficerChurlish · 21/12/2023 19:01

Yes, if he already had firm plans with me I'd want him to run the idea by me before inviting anyone along, even if I ended up being perfectly fine with the change/addition. I'd do the same. The addition of a couple of people to a small group does change the dynamic, especially as they are his friends and not both of yours or the larger group's. I'm also not sure the smoking is great if it's supposed to be a small family do/children are present. As far as cannabis being less harmful than alcohol - that may be arguable in narrow terms of harm to the user, but smoking is antisocial (when done in a group that includes non-smokers) and impacts others negatively from the moment of lighting up, while alcohol requires quite a bit to be drunk enough to cause an issue for non-drinkers.

KaySararSarar · 21/12/2023 19:06

Two things,

  1. it’s odd you’re celebrating your engagement - that’s not a thing
  2. Further to above I do wonder how old you both are to be honest, all this seems like playground stuff.

NYE is about being with the people who have enriched your life - spread your wings OP

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