AIBU that he invited his friends to spend NYE with us?

[sarahjane61]

Me and my partner got engaged last NYE so its our anniversary date. I have been pretty relaxed about plans this year; he suggested we go for dinner in town and then maybe back over to his sisters house (who has his other sister over, and her kids) after dinner. We were going to play it by ear, but he mentioned today that his 2 friends have asked what he is doing and he has invited them over to the sisters after too.
I don't want to sound hard work (I know mumsnet users love slamming that on people) but wonder if the friends going have now made it feel like a un-family related event, one of the friends is single so will come along and most likely now smoke drink and smoke weed with my partner (partner probably wouldn't of done this without friends there) and one of them is in a relationship but no mention of bringing her. Would you be annoyed your fiance didn't run this by you first or not bothered at al?

Surely all joint plans should be discussed.

Because he smokes weed almost every day and isn't going to stop for you. If that's what you want in your future, crack on with the marriage. Otherwise, cut your losses.

Totally agree with this one. You still have your usual anniversary date and he’s not planning on doing something that you’re not invited to.

This sounds like a teenage relationship to be honest
Weed not a big deal
Socialising on nye not a big deal
U sound like either a teenager or one of those im gonna change and save him types casually relates to ur controlling n it my way or no way and he not good enough for u so u nag untill u get ur way and he completely changes to an unrecognisable level to try n please u type

OP I started seeing someone on a casual basis 3 years ago who smoked weed (a lot, like, every day). I do not smoke and would not want to be in a relationship with someone who does. I told him at the time that I was happy for a casual fling and if he wanted to smoke weed then I wouldn't stop him, however as we spent more time together and started to develop feelings I made it very clear that I would not have a relationship with him whilst he smoked weed. He stopped, completely. It's now been 2 and a half years since he smoked weed and he also gave up cigarettes last year.

Basically, he decided I was more important and as harsh as it sounds, your other half is choosing weed over you and you're allowing it.

It's once a year, it's a time for family n friends to get together, but don't blame his mate for him smoking weed he's alway got the option of No

One is legal, one isn't

Look into your future...

And let's not mention the cost...

But it is in this country

I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with a DH and his family who think sitting round smoking weed is a 'family get-together'. I wouldn't be interested in controlling him- smoking weed as a social occasion just says he and they are not my kind of people. And if you are arguing over drinking and drug-taking now, it is a big issue for both of you and suggests you both have problems with drinking or drugs.

Why do people come up with such idiotic statements like this making out that they have some in depth knowledge of a person they have never met and know next to nothing about. Just take for example the posting from KILLSwitch in the thread as evidence of what massive assumptions you are making about someone you don’t know.

"I have been pretty relaxed about plans this year....We were going to play it by ear..."

So...this reads as if you didn't organise anything, left it up to him, and now don't like his plan coz you're not the centre of it. And he sounds like a manchild who wants to play computer games with his mates and a bit of spliff. If you marry a manchild, you need to be prepared to be his long suffering mum, not his princess on a pedestal.

I'd probably not be that annoyed (unless I was his sister and he'd not checked) because there are other people there anyway. However, sounds like the weed smoking is more of an issue for you in itself.

OP, you're being unreasonable. Celebrating the day you got engaged isn't normal. NYE should be fun and spent with friends or family. It's up to his sister who she invites, not you. You can't screen guests and it wouldn't be fair to stop your fiancé from having a smoke if he wants, in the same way it wouldn't be fair for him to say you can't drink. You sound far from relaxed. If you don't want to go, don't go. Simple.

Not relevant but OP PLEASE be careful of the weed thing.
in my experience and I have a lot of it, people who smoke weed always use the ‘it’s better than alcohol’ excuses to make it not sound bad. They will never ever ever give up, they will prioritise it before you and before everything. If you ever got to the point where you were going to have children, he won’t give up. People who smoke weed have a completely different mind set to those who don’t (probably because of the weed)and spend their lives justifying why it’s ’not that bad’ when in reality it turns them into horrible people. Please just be careful committing long term to this bloke x

Weed addiction completely changes the personality of the person in the same way an alcohol addict. They don’t wake up in the morning, don’t turn up for work, pretend everything is fine, can’t function, lie, and say ‘it’s not as bad as alcohol’ ‘alcohol does more damage’ ‘studies show bla bla bla’ rubbish.

my ex was a weed smoker, I will forever disagree it’s ‘not as bad as alcohol’. His addiction ultimately ruined our relationship as it completely changed him as a person. He was nice when he hadn’t smoked.

It's been said over and over in the thread - read it all again.
In all honesty, you both sound like a bit of a nightmare in different ways - an engagement anniversary isn't a thing, and NYE is a social event. It's more than acceptable to invite others; you can't just steal the day because you think it's an anniversary of something (which it isn't).

He's a nightmare because he's using the classic line weed smokers use when trying to justify their smelly, expensive and illegal habit - that it's somehow better than alcohol.
I know several people who drink socially and several others who smoke weed - the weed smokers are generally classic no-hope dopeheads whereas the social drinkers are well integrated into society with decent jobs and a family etc.

Sounds like you're incompatible, and that you both need to have a good, hard look at yourselves once you're split up too.

Dump him.
You deserve better. Your future children deserve better. You deserve to not have someone challenge you about whether they should or not smoke illegal substances.

Make 2024 drug free.

Difference is that smoking pot is illegal,smoking it every day is a problem . He is so controlled by this behaviour hes trying to stop you have a perfectly legal drink NYE because he thinks that's the only way he'll get away with it ,trying to punish you and when you refuse to not drink,he's the excuse to smoke.
Weed is not without harm,long term users can suffer with serious depression and so many simply lose the drive to do anything with it eventually taking over their lives. Then there's the psychosis that can develop.
Also cannabis has been shown to cause damage to developing brains.
You have a man who will continue this behaviour into the lives of your children, any 2nd hand smoking quite possibly causing mental health issues as well as signalling that this behaviour is acceptable. Children of drinkers/addicts often follow their parents path.
Some may argue pot is less harmful, well you don't get passive drinking do you?
The fact he's doing this nearly every day,refusing to give up and justifying it, are 3 major red flags.
If you want to test him, go to the party, don't drink but I'm guessing he'll still smoke. Eventually finances will suffer,he'll probably not be able to hold down a job, you'll accrue debt and your kids will suffer.Is thus tge life you really want?

When you have kids and hes wasting money on cannabis you wont last long together. Id get out now

Erm, no. You have no say over who attends a gathering at someone else's house.

His sister has every right to be miffed though.

Yes, this is a unbalanced group ,with non - family attending a family event.
Same thing happened to me where a outsider was invited to family group and it was weird ,where they were centre - stage all nigh, discussing ' themself'..it irritated me. If I'd known I probably would not have gone.

Err they DO sell weed in shops in many many countries.

People who are stoned are less.likely to fight than drunk people

That.

You want opinions - here’s mine and it’s from experience.

You are (it appears) anti drugs and anti smoking. He smokes and takes drugs.

You are NOT compatible. As everyone else has said, he won’t give it up. It’ll become a huge bone of contention that’ll get worse when you’re married with children because at that point he knows you’re not going to just walk away and uproot your children because he had a couple of joints when our with friends.

Meanwhile, you become more and more upset and resentful and hurt that he won’t put your feelings first.

The reality is that you have no more right to tell him what he can put into his body than he can tell you what you can put into yours BUT either of you can recognise that this strong difference of opinion over what is acceptable to put in one’s own body makes you completely incompatible.

Otherwise you’ll be a nervous wreck every time he goes out, and he will become a liar and that’s the marriage over before it’s even begun. Different strong views like this breed deceit. He’s not going to stop doing it because he doesn’t see WHY he should. He sees it the same as you see alcohol (and plenty of other people share his viewpoint).

Neither of you are right or wrong, you’re just incompatible.

Take it from someone who believed one ex wasn’t smoking or taking drugs any more and the other wasn’t smoking. Both were. They were lying, and once you’re lying about one thing, lying about another just becomes the norm and before you know it they’ve got 2 different lives/personas and you only know one of them.

Save yourself and him the drama and the stress and marry someone whose views are aligned with your own.