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Original poster

AIBU that he invited his friends to spend NYE with us?

107 replies

sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 15:42

Me and my partner got engaged last NYE so its our anniversary date. I have been pretty relaxed about plans this year; he suggested we go for dinner in town and then maybe back over to his sisters house (who has his other sister over, and her kids) after dinner. We were going to play it by ear, but he mentioned today that his 2 friends have asked what he is doing and he has invited them over to the sisters after too.
I don't want to sound hard work (I know mumsnet users love slamming that on people) but wonder if the friends going have now made it feel like a un-family related event, one of the friends is single so will come along and most likely now smoke drink and smoke weed with my partner (partner probably wouldn't of done this without friends there) and one of them is in a relationship but no mention of bringing her. Would you be annoyed your fiance didn't run this by you first or not bothered at al?

OP posts:
NoKateMoss · 21/12/2023 19:07

This wouldn't bother me. But I think Christmas is for family and Hogmanay is for friends. If he wouldn't have smoked without his friend being there is it particularly habitual? If it's an occasional smoke I think it's fine, more regular and I'd be cautious but everyone has different standards.

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/12/2023 19:17

TheCurlyKnobhead · 20/12/2023 15:44

I'd be annoyed if I was his sister and he was intending to bring his drug smoking friends to my house without asking

This.

MILTOBE · 21/12/2023 19:25

Celebrate the new year without him, is my advice.

caringcarer · 21/12/2023 19:54

He sounds like a loser. He's invited his friends to his sister's without checking with her first if it's ok. He's not planned anything special for your anniversary. He didn't ask what you wanted to do and he's planning on smoking weed when he knows you don't like it. Not much of a keeper or good husband and Dad material.

NoKateMoss · 21/12/2023 19:59

Do people really celebrate the anniversary of their engagement? Or dump their fiancé for inviting someone else to their sister's at new year? Especially if the sister is ok with it? This all seems like a gigantic overreaction.

WorkCleanRepeat · 21/12/2023 20:09

New years eve is a social event, I wouldn't be annoyed that be invited friends. If you don't like his friends/ the way he socialises then that's a bigger/ different issue.

Also, I's not your anniversary. That just sounds like an excuse to be annoyed.

Haggisfish3 · 21/12/2023 20:21

I wouldn’t be annoyed at this but if you want him to stop smoking weed, he won’t. Don’t really want a lifetime of getting cross anojt this and then having kids with him?

spookehtooth · 23/12/2023 12:15

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 21/12/2023 18:40

He isn’t going to give up if he is only giving up for you.

Show quote history

This, exactly. I've never seen anyone do anything similar permanently. I do know a number of people who lie, and secretly carry on their addiction

The only people I know who made a permanent change are those who do so for themselves.

The root of this is that habit changing is hard, because our personality and behaviour relies on semi-automation. It's a biological necessity, nobody is an exception

TedMullins · 23/12/2023 12:31

NoKateMoss · 21/12/2023 19:59

Do people really celebrate the anniversary of their engagement? Or dump their fiancé for inviting someone else to their sister's at new year? Especially if the sister is ok with it? This all seems like a gigantic overreaction.

Yes this! I’d hate to be in a relationship where I had to “consult” my partner before inviting friends to a social event. As for celebrating the anniversary of your engagement…not a thing.

Luckynumbereight · 23/12/2023 13:59

Oh babes. He deliberately invited his friends round because it gives him an excuse to smoke weed.

Dont waste your tears on this one

Original poster
sarahjane61 · 23/12/2023 23:02

He compared his nearly every day weed smoking to me having a social drink. He is now saying if he can’t smoke weed new years eve he doesn’t want me drinking. Can I have your view on that please?

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahjane61 · 23/12/2023 23:02

He compared his nearly every day weed smoking to me having a social drink. He is now saying if he can’t smoke weed new years eve he doesn’t want me drinking. Can I have your view on that please?

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahjane61 · 23/12/2023 23:03

spookehtooth · 23/12/2023 12:15

This, exactly. I've never seen anyone do anything similar permanently. I do know a number of people who lie, and secretly carry on their addiction

The only people I know who made a permanent change are those who do so for themselves.

The root of this is that habit changing is hard, because our personality and behaviour relies on semi-automation. It's a biological necessity, nobody is an exception

Edited
Show quote history

He compared his nearly every day weed smoking to me having a social drink. He is now saying if he can’t smoke weed new years eve he doesn’t want me drinking. Can I have your view on that please?

OP posts:
Falalalalaa · 23/12/2023 23:05

You really should not marry this man.

Original poster
sarahjane61 · 23/12/2023 23:06

Appreciate your comment but could you please give me more info / your reason saying this. I need to hear it :(

OP posts:
Falalalalaa · 23/12/2023 23:09

Because the weed smoking will become a huge issue.

He won’t stop, at best he will lie to you and SAY he’s stopped, but will just cover it up.

He doesn’t want to quit, he’s told you that. You would be entering a marriage with someone who does something you hate, and will lie to you to continue doing the thing you hate.

I bet this isn’t the only issue in your relationship is it?

JimnJoyce · 23/12/2023 23:34

My ex husband once did similar inviting 2 of his friends i'd never met to Christmas dinner. He told me on the day and then said that as they were muslim I couldn't drink alcohol either.

therealcookiemonster · 23/12/2023 23:45

don't marry someone on the basis that you want them to change. People can't change other people and you want a partner, not a project.

and he seems petty, I can't do this so you can't do that. you are trying to control his behaviour and he doesn't like it (understandably). if the weed use is an issue for you (it would he for me), I would advice you break off with him now

cannabis is far more dangerous than people realise. it really does a number on the brain, not to mention other effects. it's a myth that it's 'harmless' or less harmful than cigarettes or alcohol. it is also a gateway drug. and I would also be concerned if someone was habitually drinking alcohol every day.

it's obviously upto you. just don't flush your life down the toilet based on empty promises

spookehtooth · 24/12/2023 00:17

sarahjane61 · 23/12/2023 23:06

Appreciate your comment but could you please give me more info / your reason saying this. I need to hear it :(

I don't think it's good for anyone to try and change people. If they do things you don't like I think that only question is "can I live with that?". If you can't, walk away.

Smoking, of any kind, is a deal breaker for me. So is drinking what I consider to be too much. I won't date or get into a relationship with anyone who who doesn't meet that criteria. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I don't need anyone's approval or agreement about my views. I wouldn't even get to the point of asking someone if they're willing to change

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/12/2023 00:29

He’s a controlling dope head loser and you need to dump him before the year is out OP.

Quitelikeit · 24/12/2023 00:33

It’s a big mistake getting together with someone then trying to change them

He smokes weed and although you hate it he will likely do it when you aren’t around etc

i think it’s a bit ott saying it’s your anniversary of your engagement 😂😂

Lola334 · 28/12/2023 07:16

Like most people I wouldn't have an issue with the NYE gathering but the weed situation is something you can not afford to ignore. I strongly urge you to give this man an ultimatum. Or atleast let him know that if he continues to smoke weed you don't think you can continue with the relationship and give your reasons why. You don't want to bring children into this world and deal with this later, it'll be too late.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 28/12/2023 07:33

NoKateMoss · 21/12/2023 19:59

Do people really celebrate the anniversary of their engagement? Or dump their fiancé for inviting someone else to their sister's at new year? Especially if the sister is ok with it? This all seems like a gigantic overreaction.

I feel like this is a very levelheaded response. NYE was already a group thing, he shouldn’t have to run every person coming by the OP as she’s not even hosting. Like his friends, she is also just attending someone else's party.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 28/12/2023 07:40

she knows I want him to stop.

That's neither here nor there. He needs to want to stop because if he doesn't, he won't, despite your wishes.

Are you the same OP whose partner gets ratty without weed and snappy and irritable if he doesn't smoke? The one where he won't let you drink if he doesn't smoke?

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 28/12/2023 07:44

"If I can't be a pothead every day, you can't have a drink on NYE"

Or:

If I can't do something illegal, smelly, eroding my braincells on a daily basis, then you can't do something completely normal and acceptable, on one evening.

He's horrible OP. You sound desperate to be with him (anyone?) Please start the New Year without this loser, and do some work on yourself as to how you even had to question if this was ok.

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