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Original poster

AIBU that he invited his friends to spend NYE with us?

107 replies

sarahjane61 · 20/12/2023 15:42

Me and my partner got engaged last NYE so its our anniversary date. I have been pretty relaxed about plans this year; he suggested we go for dinner in town and then maybe back over to his sisters house (who has his other sister over, and her kids) after dinner. We were going to play it by ear, but he mentioned today that his 2 friends have asked what he is doing and he has invited them over to the sisters after too.
I don't want to sound hard work (I know mumsnet users love slamming that on people) but wonder if the friends going have now made it feel like a un-family related event, one of the friends is single so will come along and most likely now smoke drink and smoke weed with my partner (partner probably wouldn't of done this without friends there) and one of them is in a relationship but no mention of bringing her. Would you be annoyed your fiance didn't run this by you first or not bothered at al?

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 28/12/2023 07:47

On NYE, this wouldn't bother me in the slightest

Gardeningtime · 28/12/2023 07:50

I’d have no issue with the friends, the more the merrier for me, as long as the sister was good with it.

the weed is a different story, you can’t look to change people and he’s a stoner. You either accept that or don’t. But you can’t force him to not do drugs and he can’t force you to not drink. And he has a point, if you make him abstain then you should also. Or you both accept th4 other. Personally I’d not be with a stoner, but you are.

Maddy70 · 28/12/2023 07:54

I couldn't care less avd definitely wouldn't have an issue with it. In fact, I've invited people to our home on Nye and my husband hasn't got a clue who will be there (probably should tell him actually!). Nye isn't a family thing it's a friends and party thing. The more the merrier. Why should he have to run it by you? He should run it by his sister....
This isn't your anniversary .your anniversary is when you get married unless you're one of those that celebrate every irritating thing, first date, first shag, first big mac and cheese. You do sound like hard work tbh

AlisonDonut · 28/12/2023 07:56

I mean, you can marry this man. But the whole point of engagement is to work out if you are compatible,

If he has to stop doing something just for you, you aren't compatible.

We will see you back in 3 years once married, with kids, who he doesn't look after, once he has lost his job throughout the being stoned all the time and tell you to LTB.

This is the best it will get and you are already starting threads about it not being good. So, it's your choice.

Maddy70 · 28/12/2023 07:57

sarahjane61 · 23/12/2023 23:02

He compared his nearly every day weed smoking to me having a social drink. He is now saying if he can’t smoke weed new years eve he doesn’t want me drinking. Can I have your view on that please?

He has a point. If he likes to smoke weed and you prefer to drink why does your wish supersede his? Why can't he have a smoke and you have a drink?

Josette77 · 28/12/2023 08:05

Well I'm in Canada and high as I write this.

I don't drink. I don't smoke often. I eat edibles and love them.

What is the difference between alcohol and weed? Alcohol is far more deadly.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 08:05

Genuinely, how can you see a future with this loser?

He hasn’t given up.
He has just pretended to, to keep you quiet.
You just said he will smoke weed again with his friends.
He doesn’t care enough to even ask you what your preferences are.

Why would you choose to have children with anyone that has had their brain fried by weed?

Take your chance to escape and chose a mature man that shares your values next time.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 08:07

Maddy70 · 28/12/2023 07:57

He has a point. If he likes to smoke weed and you prefer to drink why does your wish supersede his? Why can't he have a smoke and you have a drink?

Show quote history

Ummm because one is illegal perhaps? For good reason. Drug use often escalates and a million other reasons I can’t be bothered to list.

AuntiesDimSumBun · 28/12/2023 08:11

Smoking weed means it has been bought from a dealer and somewhere illegal activity has happened . You can buy alcohol legally. It’s simple for me like that but I’m a rule follower. MN overall was though there is a change very tolerant of drug changing due to its liberal credentials.

He sounds inconsiderate overall.

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 08:14

Most people strive to build a life with a coherent, responsible and respectful person, he is none of those things op.

Josette77 · 28/12/2023 08:14

Depending on where they are. It's legal in lots of places, and most people grow their own pot now anyways

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 08:17

Josette77 · 28/12/2023 08:14

Depending on where they are. It's legal in lots of places, and most people grow their own pot now anyways

It’s illegal in the U.K. and you will get a custodial sentence for production.

Not exactly what most people are looking for as marriage material..

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 08:18

Lavenderflower · 21/12/2023 18:13

I would say that New Year is a social event so I wouldn't be annoyed.

This.

NappiesAndBunFluff · 28/12/2023 08:25

Your original question: I think if you were the ones hosting then yes he should have asked you first, but as long as his sister is okay with it I don't personally see it as a massive problem.
I don't really personally think just because he proposed on new year's eve that that means it should be a family only occasion going forward.
However the bigger problem seems to be you disagree on things. I don't always think it's what you disagree on that's as important as how you disagree.
I'm not going to jump on and say smoking weed automatically makes him a bad person because I don't know if it's legal where you are, how often he does it, if it interferes with his life, if he could lose his job through it, etc. but it bothers you and if you can't agree or come to a compromise on it then it's going to be a problem.
All you can do is say how you feel and see what his response is. If you can talk it out and come to an understanding, compromise, do better in future etc then you've got a relationship you can work with. If either of you can't see the others point of view then you're probably just too different and staying together is always going to cause friction.

Pat59 · 28/12/2023 08:27

I would be upset yes, but don't blame his friend for your bf smoking weed he does it because he wants to not because he's told to.

Nicole1111 · 28/12/2023 08:27

Do you drink every day? Because if you don’t it’s not the same. Does he use weed to cope with stress whereas you don’t need alcohol to do that? Does he get grumpy when he’s not had a smoke whereas you don’t get grumpy if you can’t drink? Does he say he can’t sleep without a smoke whereas you don’t need alcohol to sleep? If yes to any of the above then it’s not the same.

Pat59 · 28/12/2023 08:29

I prefer edible to alcohol plus it helps my aches and pains

FloweryName · 28/12/2023 08:35

You suggested going to his sisters house and he agreed. All he did was invite a couple of other friends, but seeing as it’s not your place they were invited to and you weren’t going to be alone anyway you are massively over reacting.

The date you got engaged isn’t an anniversary, you will create that when you set a wedding date.

NorthernSturdyGirl · 28/12/2023 08:45

Mmmm, for someone that was fairly relaxed about what happens NYE, you seem just the opposite.

If you have asked him to stop doing weed, and not only has he not, but he has asked his mates over to join in, it indicates to me, he is not ready to quit. You need to be realistic about this and decide if its a deal breaker for you or not.

But if he is asking you not to drink, thats a fair response, again you need to decide whats important to you in a relationship. Why is that fair, well this is my rationale:-

While being intoxicated with weed feels different than being intoxicated with alcohol, the two have roughly the same effect on your cognitive abilities, reflexes, and judgment.

Both can also leave you feeling a bit worse for wear the next day, though this is more likely to happen with alcohol.

Alcohol has been part of our culture for years (we used to drink it instead of water because water was unsanitary), so there is lots of research/history about its affects.

Weed, well this is becoming more acceptable even in my short lifetime but there isn't as much longterm research as to the effects.

So on balance, I think its a fair response, if you want him to quit weed, you need to quit alcohol!

And lets make it clear, I have never done drugs but I do occasionally drink so I'm not pro drugs, but he has a sound response.

But that is NOT what this is about, this disagreement appears to be about him making plans without consulting you and potentially the host (although that does not seem to be your gripe).

Celebrating the anniversary of your engagement is not a thing, you know that as you wouldn't have been so laid back about what the initial plans were for NYE.

You are miffed you weren't consulted and quite rightly so. This is a learning curve for the relationship, in that you need to run things past each other as you are a couple now, and we all go through this. This type of learning curve generally comes before the engagement though as your needs, wants and consideration for each other should generally be aligned for a marriage to work.

OhChristmassTree · 28/12/2023 08:46

Why are you engaged? You are not compatible.
He obviously doesn't want to stop and I don't think he will do it for you. You both see things very differently, you will never be happy hoping and waiting for him to change.

I could never be with and definitely not planning a future with someone who smokes weed all day or who's family has parties where children are around drugs.

Em94 · 28/12/2023 08:54

I think the party thing is a non issue, yes abit annoying if you was planning on spending it just you two but I wouldn’t personally kick up a fuss. It’s one night and I imagine you’ll be socialising with his sisters/other family so all will be fine once you’re there.

the weed situation is difficult as it is a lot more socially acceptable these days and I strongly believe that people behave in a more acceptable way after smoking weed than they do after drinking alcohol.
yes I agree the long term effects aren’t good but you must’ve known he smoked when you met?
I don’t think this Is something you can request somebody stop doing, especially as you have no children that this is effecting.
if you don’t agree with his lifestyle choices then you’re probably better off seperate as you shouldn’t be asking a grown adult to stop doing something just because you don’t like it

Maddy70 · 28/12/2023 09:00

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 08:07

Ummm because one is illegal perhaps? For good reason. Drug use often escalates and a million other reasons I can’t be bothered to list.

Show quote history

Not illegal in my country and your comment is very simplistic and inaccurate.

LouHey · 28/12/2023 09:12

He's not a big drinker and happy to skip it, you're not a weed smoker and happy to skip it. So have a sober NYE.

gamerchick · 28/12/2023 09:18

The issue to me isn't Nye it's the fact hes a regular drug user. People can compare it to alcohol all they want but daily use makes them a druggie as daily drinking makes a person a loser also.

You wanting to marry this person says you have a low bar. Where you party new year is the least of your problems. He's never going to choose you over drugs and he'll resent it if he gives up drugs for you.

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2023 09:21

Just don't go with him. Let him go with with his friends. Invite a friend over instead.

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