covert narcissism - any examples?

[Offwiththecircus]

Yes I realise that there is a tendency these days to label things, which maybe don't quite fit into boxes, but wondering if a certain ex may have been a covert narcissist.

Anyone got any real life examples of behaviours/e;pisodes which would qualify as such?

Am male by the way. Maybe this declaration will inhibit replies - we'll see.

To the outside world the perfect person. Kind, funny, affable. Always the first to stop to help someone in distress, buying nice presents.
Telling friends & families about these wonderful attributes.
Behind closed doors, being rude, miserable and constantly criticising. Often verbally abusive.
Spoiling every imaginable celebration. Deliberately starting an argument. Having created an illusion of saintliness they would always be in the right. No one could think they are anything but the best.
Hating criticism themselves. Festering for days after a perceived slight.
In short, being the most important person in the whole Universe & all others should be like them.

Yes I agree with a lot of what has been said. Also the part about going out of their way to help others and then insisting that the person they are helping has to be fully appreciative otherwise they full into a sulky rage. Analysing how everyone responds to them but zero self awareness or capacity to reflect on their own behaviour. So controlling and unable to tolerate their own anxiety so sees everyone else as being anxious. Draining and difficult to be around.

This 100%.

ExH used to do that to me. I wish MN had been around in those days.

Why do you think I should follow your advice about how to post, @NoWayNarc ? Do you know best? Don't you think that it might just be the case that you have one approach and I have another?

So curious about this. From someone who is calling me a narcissist, it seems odd. I'm happy to accept that your view is different from mine, and live and let live. You are using paragraph after paragraph to educate and correct me, as if you are some sort of authority. I think we're just different, rather than one of us right and one of us wrong?

@Watchkeys Your approach may be right but people have to do the journey to get to that understanding.

Wasting time trying to understand things is how humans learn whatever we learn, to get to the higher ground of indifference with people with these characteristics.

But yes you are right, these people arn't worth wasting your time on, narcs that is, but we need to know what the characteristics are to prevent allowing them in our lives again.
Prevention is better than the cure.

Your approach may be right but people have to do the journey to get to that understanding

Yes, I do get that. But if people post for advice, I'll assume they want advice, and those who seem firmly embedded in 'diagnosing the ex' will all get the same advice from me: Work out why you need to diagnose the ex, rather than continue to try to diagnose the ex.

There is a journey. I went on it. It was useful. But getting off the circular train was the most useful part, and I wish someone had advised me to do it sooner, because I could have. So I advise people to do it sooner.

@theworldie @Gioia1

I report personal attacks against myself and others as soon as I see them, because, as stated on the deletion, they breach talk guidelines. It's no more complicated than that. The moderators decide whether the comment is offensive enough to delete, not me.

So now saying someone’s posts are condescending is a “personal attack” and gets a deletion message.

Wow.

I thought this was a forum where people can post opinions? So long as they are not nasty or offensive how is this censorship allowed unless there is something going on with certain posters also having a hand in which posts are deleted? (ie if they are anything but positive towards themselves)

Highly, highly suspicious.

Be careful of those who stab others then complain to to the world that they are bleeding’ springs to mind.

Absolutely huge red flag of a deeply narcissistic person 🤷‍♀️

FIL is a covert narcissist. Ex- vicar, still working as a non paid priest.
Always talks about how other people “revere” him and how wonderful people say his ministering is. Only interested in me as an audience.
Has completely re-written the narrative of his relationship with MIL as an amazing love story although he was frequently unkind and put her down.
Enjoys engineering win/lose dynamics and telling us about the “killer blow” he delivered during confrontations.
Has no real friends, only interested in them as people who can help him gain status. Superficially genial and people think he is the fun, eccentric vicar instead of the self centred prick he truly is.

@PandyMoanyMum

It's interesting that he still works in a respectable position even without pay, isn't it? Enables him to present his 'ideal' mask, I suppose.

@Watchkeys it also allows him status which he loves. He loves to tell me all about his interactions with the Bishop and how important and instrumental he is in influencing the Diocese.

Tom Schwartz.

From my ex: ‘sadly, my dear auntie died last year. As you know, she thought very highly of you, she had a gift in recognising good people. I delivered a very moving speech at the funeral, everyone was in tears. Anyway - would be great to meet up! The past is in the past, let’s talk about the future. I travel a lot these days (got promoted) but I’ll make sure to find time for you’.
Once you see it, you cannot unsee it.

Excellent.

Once you know, you know.

Almost cringeworthy.

@OhParker totally! Once the blinkers are off, the manipulation is so obvious.