covert narcissism - any examples?

[Offwiththecircus]

Yes I realise that there is a tendency these days to label things, which maybe don't quite fit into boxes, but wondering if a certain ex may have been a covert narcissist.

Anyone got any real life examples of behaviours/e;pisodes which would qualify as such?

Am male by the way. Maybe this declaration will inhibit replies - we'll see.

Dupers delight is when someone who is lying can't help smiling when they see their audience is believing their lie. So it can result in someone telling you about an awful or traumatic thing that happened to them, but smiling very inappropriately during the telling.

Smiling at such a moment can be due to a number of things but dupers delight is one of them. It's also a behaviour seen in psychopaths.

*I should have said, while telling you about an awful thing that supposedly happened, as of course for it to be dupers delight it would have to be a lie.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DvZHDXFTSuo&pp=ygUVTnBkIGNvdmVydCB3b3JkIHNhbGFk

this video explained a lot of the issues I faced with communication with my ex.

There were lots of other things but the things mentioned in this alone is some of the heavy lifting of head-f**kery you can be subjected to.

Also Watchkeys for some reason likes to hover over these topics dismissing why anyone would want to “put a label” on the abuse they’ve endured.

because it helps Watchkeys that’s why, it helps to put a name to the very specific techniques these kinds of people deploy that literally feels like they’re wringing out your brain (until you figure it out - usually helped by someone putting a name and explanation to the abuses you have endured), and yes they need to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist but the chances of someone with NPD actually going and doing that is very low because they are usually not capable of that kind of self reflection or awareness, they are the victim in their own life, of everyone and everything, and there is ALWAYS someone else or situation to blame.

@NoWayNarc

Thanks for your wisdom.

You’re welcome.

@NoWayNarc

It's really good that you know the real truth.

I don’t go around dismissing why other people want to deal with their healing journey the way they do.

You seem to think you have more insight than anyone else though, for some reason.

perhaps you can consider framing your advice another way.

have a nice evening.

Presenting himself as a gentle, sweet persona, who needed to be taken under your wings and explained to about how to do conflicts and be helped. He would act terribly grateful for the hours spent in “therapy” and flatter you as someone who understands him. But would go behind your back and ignore anything you said and fire off nasty emails and SMS to his targets. He would stalk them by creating false FB profiles.

Volunteer work, constantly helping people by installing software on computers, giving lifts and visiting the old and sick. He actually admitted to me on a rare occasion he did this as a strategy so they would “owe” him in some way.

Very very open. He would tell you everything about him (e.g what he earned, his past, his faults etc). He made people feel he was a breath of fresh air and created a false sense of closeness and bonding with him. Again, he told me he does this as a strategy.

Taking rejection extremely personally, especially if it was from a female. Felt all females who try and distance themselves from him after feeling uncomfortable were obliged to be his “friends”. He had a pattern of charming females with the false openness and then reacting badly and harassing them when they tried to pull back.

Absolutely hates boundaries. Talks about people who put up boundaries constantly. Attempts to overrun them as a personal objective.

Conducts long and vindictive vendettas against said people with the use of gossip with the network built up with all those he helped. He reframed gossip and smearing as “being open and honest”. If he sees emotional reactivity in his target’s expressions such as fear or upset, a smile breaks out on his face.

Frequent rages and tantrums with close family members. Set off by perceived lack of respect to him and questioning “his authority”. He would absolutely scream into the faces of his children and his face would be beetroot red. Does not rage with the network he has charmed and cultivated.

@NoWayNarc

You seem to think you have more insight than anyone else though, for some reason

I think that most people feel they have a good point, otherwise they wouldn't post.

How would you like to take this forward? Do you feel you've made your point yet, or have you more to say? I think I get the general gist.

Certainly said like a narcissist 😄

Also Watchkeys you seem more unhinged than the last time I seen you around here, like you’ve gone rogue lol

hope you’re OK, maybe you need a break from the internet for a while x

Silent treatment, creating attention for themselves when something 'big' is happening on to her life and the at the nation is on you/someone else, being horrible to you but extra king and friendly to other family and friends...

@NoWayNarc

So, have you any more to say? I get that you're calling me a narcissist, and that you feel I need a break from the internet, and you think I seem unhinged. I disagree with all that, but it's ok to disagree, isn't it? What are you trying to gain with these posts? You really seem to be trying to make some kind of point about me... why does it matter to you so much?

I wonder why we get so hooked on trying to work out these types of abusers. I’m genuinely curious @Watchkeys because I’ve been there myself endlessly googling narcissism to try and figure out what the hell happened. Is it the brains way of trying to make sure it doesn’t happen or is it because it’s just so disordered we can’t get a good grip?

@Inawayalso

I think because we're humans. We're innately problem solvers, and if something doesn't make sense to us, if we don't have the answers, we try to find them out. But narcissists and psychopaths don't make sense to us. They're not meant to. They're nothing like us, and just like I couldn't ever claim to understand everything my dog thinks, I'm never going to understand a narcissist. I spent so long trying to understand my abuser, and the only release was realising I never would, and I didn't need to.

Some on here (as you can see) see this as me 'dictating' that nobody should ever 'label' their abuser, but that's not my standpoint at all. We are naturally curious and like to put things in boxes. But when a thing just won't go into its box, and it's torturous trying to get it in, sometimes it can be best just to walk away. Fuck the box, fuck the problem; we don't always need to 'solve' every riddle!

@Watchkeys no I get that. no narc or abuser is the same so it’s difficult to compare. For me it has helped to be able to put a kind of stamp on him as we share children. All I take from it is he a)will only do something that benefits himself b)not care about our child’s feelings unless they benefit himself, c)not be accountable for nothing. It helped me navigate the way I parent to make sure I put in firm boundaries with him and make sure I firmly teach our daughter about feelings and boundaries. She needs to be able to come home and express how she feels and understand that she is important and she has her own identity. I’ve given up with the box as the possibilities are endless, he’s a chameleon but he’s never changed lol!

Good God. Almost every single one of these posts is exactly like the (married) man I recently got out of a “relationship” with. He told me he and his wife were separated and “just living as friends”. Seems he just forgot to tell her that!
She actually thought they were happily married and knew nothing about me. He had me round to the house whilst she was at work saying it was ok bc she had a boyfriend too! Messaged me constantly, met up with me nearly every day when he should’ve been working, took me to hotels/theatre/bought me gifts etc. Was so intense, always gazing into my eyes and telling me how beautiful/amazing I am😂

The lies he told were phenomenal - this is recent and I’m still processing everything. He said his wife was mentally ill, went through a four year depression where she didn’t leave the house and then tried to overdose when he told her about me (more lies - now I realise it was a ploy to buy more time when I was getting uncomfortable with the situation)

Came across like the nicest, sweetest guy in the world. Made out like he was so altruistic/the one who did everything for everyone else at work and in his friendship group. Lovebombed me to death. Mirrored/copied my personality, even words I used (but often used them in the wrong context as he didn’t know their meaning 🤣) And then when his wife found out and he knew his cover was blown and Id discovered his web of lies did the whole discard/deflect/hide thing - just sent me a nasty text saying he’d never loved me (despite sending 100 texts the day before saying how much he loved me and begging to see me) and that what “we” had done was disgusting. No apology or acknowledgment of the absolute pack of lies he’d told me. Meantime was begging her not to leave him and threatening to thrown himself in front of a train!!

Absolute pathological liar/narc/piece of shit.

I’ve heard through the grapevine his poor wife may have stayed with him - he must’ve been manipulating her for years. Shame as she’s attractive and has a good career (whilst his second business is currently going down the tubes like his first one) she bails him out of poor financial decisions and let’s him drive her car as he doesn’t have his own. She also can’t have kids and wanted to adopt but he said no bc he hates kids! She’s only in her 30’s and it’s so sad that this fucking psycho is what she’s settled for. She doesn’t know the half of the lies he told and I could send her messages etc but don’t want to cause her more upset.

I also recognise the materialistic side - I am wealthy and have a big house/wear nice clothes/drive a nice car etc and I got the impression he was a bit in awe of me and wanted that for himself. He made out like he was a bit of a big man and then when I went to his house I was shocked at this quite shitty rental property with no central heating just little plug in electric fires.

He is vile and I can’t believe I fell for it (I’m a very intelligent woman and it’s made me feel so embarrassed) but they are SO so good at it! I’m just so glad I found out the truth after a few months and not any longer. When he told me the OD story but didn’t seem to know if she’d had her stomach pumped I realised something was definitely off!

By the way if anyone recognises this person (as I’m sure he’ll be on the lookout for his next victim) his initials are DW, he has a dog with the initial W and he lives in Cheshire! AVOID Like the plague!! 🚩

I know a covert narcissist.

This post from above stands out to me:

”I honestly think he sees the people around him as resources rather than actual people with thoughts and feelings. He picks his friends according to what they can offer him, money, status, a place to stay, or a captive audience. When someone stops being useful they get discarded.”

This describes her to a T. She uses people for her own gain then discards. I read that covert narcissists only like to associate with ‘high status people, places and things’ and this is very true for her. Also she’s extremely controlling, a martyr to every cause, never wrong, no empathy, has no hobbies, adopts the ways and saying of others, is deeply insecure underneath,

I was taken in by her for years, thought oh she’s a good person really but now I see her for what she is. Controlling with a grandiose sense of self but outwardly a martyr. Always huffing and puffing and telling everyone how hard she has it when actually she’s a kept woman, her husband works two jobs to keep them. Makes me so sad for my relative who lives with her.

I also read Watchkeys that you went through the process of reading everything about narcissism and the abuse you experienced, and I don’t know how you don’t realise that’s part of the process of where you have arrived to. I am the same, I don’t read about it anymore, it is all about how I feel and upholding my boundaries. But you’ll agree a relationship with a narcissist is unlike any other, I’d never experienced it in my life so I was very confused, and for a long time I scoured videos, forums and articles to try and make sense of it, because you’re gaslit to hell that it’s your fault, or that it’s not so bad, but you know something is very wrong. It’s important because where most people are capable of taking some kind of accountability, or at least can engage in some meaningful exchange and conversation you can’t with a narcissist, and I’d never experienced that before. When you learn the tactics they use, that what they do is intentional, and that they’re not capable of change (because lots of people want to try hard at their relationships - friends, romantic) it’s easier to let go when you understand you cannot heal it, no matter how hard you try, it’s not a breakdown of communication, and that therapy won’t help (and in fact, has the potential to make it worse for you).

Everyone has to go full circle in the process to arrive to the place you’re at now, and it’s unhelpful for you to try and encourage them to skip a large part of the process - yes it’s easier out the other end, but reading about it and asking the questions is not a waste of time, it allows you to fully understand and accept why there is no point in trying to understand the behaviour or psychology of their abuser, because they are so deeply broken inside.

@NoWayNarc

Thanks again for your wisdom on how I should post.

My partner accuses me on a daily basis of being a narcissist. Maybe I have tendencies to be one, but she expects me to admit to always being the problem, she can accept any fault from herself, I’d really
like someone’s personal opinion on my behaviour and hers, because truth be told I don’t fully understand narcissism and don’t know if I am or if she is. Please message me directly

Why do you stay with someone who thinks that of you @Fatherofan18 ?

You are most welcome <3