Husband is a liar and a CHEAT

[Anonymous12344321]

My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have two daughters aged 8 and 13.

A few years ago, my DH decided he would have an argument with me and disappeared off for the weekend and I had no idea where he had gone. No previous history of doing anything like this before and I just had the most awful gut instinct that he was with another woman. I decided to check his Google account and used Google maps to track his exact location. Imagine my horror when I tracked him down to a hotel 250 miles away. I called him and asked what he was doing and he told me that he had hired an escort but had decided he couldn't go through with it after all. I was devastated however, after he returned home the following day, he told me that there had been no escort (he wanted to hurt me by saying this, as in his head he had believed I had been cheating on him ) and he had simply went down to meet some work colleagues to go out for a drink as he needed some space and wanted to let his hair down.

I was so overwhelmed by the situation that I just decided to believe him and move on. Sometimes people can become overwhelmed with family life and this was completely out of character for him.

Fast forward to last week and I had been having the same gut instinct that something was wrong. He had been incredibly protective over his phone for as long as I can remember and he literally spent his evenings glued to it after work. He works as a lorry driver and, until last July, he worked away from home Monday to Friday. This was hard however I had work and the children to keep me occupied and I've always (rightly or wrongly) done the lion's share of everything to do with the children/housework etc.

Anyway, he went to bed early as he normally does and I decided I was going to check his Google account again just to put my mind at ease as I knew something wasn't quite right.

Well, I couldn't quite have prepared myself for what I found. There was quite a lot so im just going to list the items here:

1. Conversations between him and multiple women asking them to meet him.

1. Sexually explicit content shared between him and other women.

1. Evidence that he had met and slept with at least 1 of these women.

1. Evidence of payments to Onlyfans.

5 . Adultwork account and lots of messages sent to escorts asking to meet up (even on my birthday) however no actual evidence that he met any.

1. Conversation between him and another woman where he was getting annoyed at the fact she had slept with someone other than him!

So, I waited until a short time before he was due to get up for work as I knew I could not wait until he came home in the evening to confront him.

This was his response:

1. He felt I had no time for him and just enjoyed the thrill of the chase between him and other females. Apparently I haven't given him many compliments in the past couple of years. (This is garbage, he just expects constant praise and compliments which is completely unreasonable.)

1. He doesn't know why he did it other than the fact that he was lonely and bored while working away from home and his mental health hasn't been right. (He took antidepressants as a teenager but hasn't medicated all the time I've known him).

1. He flat out denied sleeping with anyone and said there was never anything physical.

1. He admitted he was curious about onlyfans but wouldn't show me what he viewed.

1. He said the messages to escorts never materialised into anything and he was just wasting their time for fun.

In the past week, I've managed to contact the woman that the messages indicate he slept with and she admitted it happened around 10 times in his lorry whilst he was parked up for the evening in her hometown. She is around 12 years younger (we are late 30's) and I've since found out that she works in one of the service stations that many drivers pop into for fuel/food etc and it turns out she has quite the reputation for sleeping with lots of different drivers.

Husband has finally admitted that he slept with her just once. Said it meant nothing and that he has been struggling with his mental health the past few years and this is the reason. He also confirmed he had in fact slept with a prostitute when I had tracked him down to the hotel a few years ago.

This has all absolutely blown my mind. I am trying my best to keep it together for our two girls and have been going through the motions of getting them to school and myself to work.

As a bit of background, I work in a professional role and have at times felt that my husband has felt threatened by this simply by the comments he makes. I'm not quite sure why he would feel this way but I think he preferred it more when the children were younger and I was part time and more financially reliant on him.

I suppose what I'm looking for is people simply to tell me what they would do in this situation. Would you stay (that's the last thing I feel inclined to do) or would you cut your losses and go?

As another side note, now that I've told him our marriage has changed forever and I simply cannot look at him the same way, he told me that he intends to either throw himself off a bridge or take a copious amount of painkillers and go to sleep as he simply cannot live without me and our girls who he claims to love more than anything in this world.

This adds additional pressure as it should be me that is spiralling out of control and he should be comforting me, not placing me under this additional strain.

Sorry, one further thing that I found absolutely incredulous. He was admitted to hospital last year with a back injury and was discharged 5 days later so we could go on our family holiday. Turns out on this holiday, he had searched for one of the nursing assistants from the hospital (using Snapchat )and was messaging asking to meet, telling her how attractive she was.

Feel so sorry for our girls as I want him out after Christmas as surely things cannot ever be well again after ALL of this. The trust is gone forever.

Thank you for reading and I appreciate any responses.

I’d be done.

This he told me that he intends to either throw himself off a bridge or take a copious amount of painkillers and go to sleep as he simply cannot live without me and our girls who he claims to love more than anything in this world. is right out the manipulators handbook. If he threatens that call 999 and tell them what he’s threatened.

Its pure manipulation

I wouldn't be waiting until after Christmas, he would be gone. I'm sorry you are going through this nightmare OP.

What a vile human being. You deserve so much better. Get him gone.... and show your girls that is not ok in a partner.

Wow, he has left you no choice. There's nothing in there that excuses his behaviour. He is the worst type of cheat, he cheats and then blames you for his behaviour. He's not even looking for your forgiveness (and even if he were, I'd still have voted yes).

I suggest that you arrange a meeting with a divorce solicitor. Your husband's behaviour sounds really dreadful. I'm so sorry that you're having to cope with this.

Like, whaaaat?

Firstly, none of his jiggety behaviour has anything to do with you or anything you are giving or not giving him. He’s got a gross compulsion and needs help to address the compulsion. This is not just cheating. It’s a gross pestering obsession that’s got him ruining his life. He wants to stay together? Off to the counsellor which he’ll have to see for remainder of your marriage.

Your life won’t be ruined over this.

The natural thing would be to eject him for sure, and if you are unable to do this, you can live a sexless partnership life for a few more years till the kids are grown up and you can move from it with less liability.

But he’s truly sick and as a compulsion I am not sure he can get rid of this side of him.

Thank you for your replies.

If this had been any other month of the year then he would be gone already. Obviously, with it being so close to Christmas, I've decided it is probably best not to disrupt the girls and ruin future Christmases for them, having them remember this nightmare.

And yes, he absolutely is a manipulator. I know that people who normally intend to commit suicide normally keep quiet about this however I'm really on edge that he would do the things he says and how it may impact our children. That's why, whilst I want him out ,and I am finding it incredibly difficult to show him kindness, I feel like I must tread carefully.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He is abusing you and as mentioned above the threat of self harm is just another tactic. He does not love you and your girls otherwise he would never put your relationship at risk. We take very good care of things that are precious to us. Would it be better to have Christmas without him? Will the girls pick up on the tension or can you get through for them? On a last note he is making this all about poor him again - he is suicidal and he has mental health issues - you are now supposed to support him through this difficult time he is having. You really deserve so much more. If you were my daughter I would want you to leave.

I’m a second chance girl even for an affair with ‘feelings’ but NEVER when men have gone down the route of sex workers and repeated fishing for sexual encounters.

Nope, I’d be done.

He’s a nasty piece of work and his issues are far reaching, he has a huge pit in his soul. I’m not sure if I could even look this man in the face again he’d disgust me too much.

You must be in a terrible place. Please focus on sti checks, lawyering up, find irl support with a trusted friend and some individual counselling to help see you through the storms to come. Surviving infidelity is a fantastic site to find ongoing support and hand holding by people who’ve been there.

You sound fantastic and honestly you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this creepy man!

Hes using his mental health as an excuse to blame you for his actions. If he did jump off the bridge that’s his problem not yours. He’s an abuser and is trying to put the blame back on you. Walk away it will be worth it

You're not responsible for what he does or doesn't do in response to you ending the marriage. Fuck that shit. He's brought this on himself.

He’s scum. Walk away as soon as you can. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this

Yes don’t fall for the manipulation it’s a classic trying to control the outcome tactic!

Oh this is grim & sleazy. Sorry op, no way I could stay in this. Once it’s broken (spectacularly in this case), it’s broken. You can paper over the cracks but they’re still there.

Slept with the 1 woman, the one time? Nope. Don’t believe this for a minute.

Like my username says, believe in yourself; you are stronger than you think. Ask him to leave tomorrow. Block him on everything and make a new email account to communicate. Let him have a miserable, lonely Christmas. Oh, and please ring a family divorce solicitor as soon as possible. You are better than this man. Children adapt

Well, he’s a stone cold loser.

For your girls’ sake, and only your girls, I’d hold tight until the New Year, and then he’d be gone.

If you and the girls were genuinely ‘his world’, he wouldn’t have jeopardised things like this.

He has no-one but himself to blame for you leaving.

I’m sorry but you and by extension your children deserve so much more than this.

He’s a very sleazy man, a cheat, a liar, a manipulative person. And I’m being kind here with the adjectives.

Understandably this is a difficult time of year to face up to everything that’s happened, but face up to it you need to do. There’s absolutely no going back from all of this. Even if you go through the motions for Christmas Day for your children, you really need to address this and start planning for the future without him. Good luck.

He's a scummy POS - there's no excuse for what he's done.

For the sake of your DDs, let the hare sit - but fuck him right out the door in the NY. You will never be able to look at him in the same way again, and you know that the trust is gone.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this x

You've wasted too much of yourself on him already. It's not your fault, it was his choice! He's disgusting really. My ex was a liar and a cheat too so I understand. Remember your daughters are old enough to understand and you need to be a good example of not letting a man get away with horrible behavior! They don't need to know all the dirty details of course but I wouldn't want them to think it's ok for a man to act that way, as often as it happens too. He's awful and I hope you can get rid of him and move on quickly! Don't let him take any more of your thoughts and energy!

Thank you for this.

I feel like I almost could have got over a couple of random messages to a girl as a one-off but this is all so much more than that.

Thank you for mentioning these websites, I'll certainly have a look.

I'd love for him to leave tomorrow but he says he has nowhere to go and if I make him go he will take his pills and I won't see him ever again. I desperately dont want that for the girls, their father to have committed suicide, it's bound to have a lasting impact on them and their future.

It's bad enough thinking about my husband touching another woman in the way he has been and now in addition to this I feel constantly anxious about the threats of suicide.

Thank you everyone for your support, I didn't expect so many replies so quickly.

It's such a relief to know that everyone feels the same as me and they would also end the marriage under these circumstances.

What a disgusting person he is. Doing it is bad enough, but then saying its your fault!! (And if you have made him that unhappy surely hed celebrate a split, not kill himself. Manipulative cunt)

What's he been doing since he stopped working away? I'd be inclined to kick him to the curb now but tell the children he's had to work.
It's almost impossible that you'll be able to be "normal" for that long and the children will pick up on it and feel on edge anyway. How old are they?

Edit: typos

Hope you've got some real life support. It's no consolation but at least when it's this extreme there is no grey area about what you should do.

He won't commit suicide. He's using that threat to control you. Don't fall for it.

You should probably get an STI test.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to remain under the same roof as someone who'd treated me so appallingly.

Don't let him manipulate you with the suicide threats when you do manage to kick him out. Tell his family, his friends, the police if you know where he's staying. So sorry, he's an absolute bastard.

If he threatens suicide, call the police. Do not let him use this as a manipulation tactic, take it as a serious threat.