Husband is a liar and a CHEAT

[Anonymous12344321]

My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have two daughters aged 8 and 13.

A few years ago, my DH decided he would have an argument with me and disappeared off for the weekend and I had no idea where he had gone. No previous history of doing anything like this before and I just had the most awful gut instinct that he was with another woman. I decided to check his Google account and used Google maps to track his exact location. Imagine my horror when I tracked him down to a hotel 250 miles away. I called him and asked what he was doing and he told me that he had hired an escort but had decided he couldn't go through with it after all. I was devastated however, after he returned home the following day, he told me that there had been no escort (he wanted to hurt me by saying this, as in his head he had believed I had been cheating on him ) and he had simply went down to meet some work colleagues to go out for a drink as he needed some space and wanted to let his hair down.

I was so overwhelmed by the situation that I just decided to believe him and move on. Sometimes people can become overwhelmed with family life and this was completely out of character for him.

Fast forward to last week and I had been having the same gut instinct that something was wrong. He had been incredibly protective over his phone for as long as I can remember and he literally spent his evenings glued to it after work. He works as a lorry driver and, until last July, he worked away from home Monday to Friday. This was hard however I had work and the children to keep me occupied and I've always (rightly or wrongly) done the lion's share of everything to do with the children/housework etc.

Anyway, he went to bed early as he normally does and I decided I was going to check his Google account again just to put my mind at ease as I knew something wasn't quite right.

Well, I couldn't quite have prepared myself for what I found. There was quite a lot so im just going to list the items here:

1. Conversations between him and multiple women asking them to meet him.

1. Sexually explicit content shared between him and other women.

1. Evidence that he had met and slept with at least 1 of these women.

1. Evidence of payments to Onlyfans.

5 . Adultwork account and lots of messages sent to escorts asking to meet up (even on my birthday) however no actual evidence that he met any.

1. Conversation between him and another woman where he was getting annoyed at the fact she had slept with someone other than him!

So, I waited until a short time before he was due to get up for work as I knew I could not wait until he came home in the evening to confront him.

This was his response:

1. He felt I had no time for him and just enjoyed the thrill of the chase between him and other females. Apparently I haven't given him many compliments in the past couple of years. (This is garbage, he just expects constant praise and compliments which is completely unreasonable.)

1. He doesn't know why he did it other than the fact that he was lonely and bored while working away from home and his mental health hasn't been right. (He took antidepressants as a teenager but hasn't medicated all the time I've known him).

1. He flat out denied sleeping with anyone and said there was never anything physical.

1. He admitted he was curious about onlyfans but wouldn't show me what he viewed.

1. He said the messages to escorts never materialised into anything and he was just wasting their time for fun.

In the past week, I've managed to contact the woman that the messages indicate he slept with and she admitted it happened around 10 times in his lorry whilst he was parked up for the evening in her hometown. She is around 12 years younger (we are late 30's) and I've since found out that she works in one of the service stations that many drivers pop into for fuel/food etc and it turns out she has quite the reputation for sleeping with lots of different drivers.

Husband has finally admitted that he slept with her just once. Said it meant nothing and that he has been struggling with his mental health the past few years and this is the reason. He also confirmed he had in fact slept with a prostitute when I had tracked him down to the hotel a few years ago.

This has all absolutely blown my mind. I am trying my best to keep it together for our two girls and have been going through the motions of getting them to school and myself to work.

As a bit of background, I work in a professional role and have at times felt that my husband has felt threatened by this simply by the comments he makes. I'm not quite sure why he would feel this way but I think he preferred it more when the children were younger and I was part time and more financially reliant on him.

I suppose what I'm looking for is people simply to tell me what they would do in this situation. Would you stay (that's the last thing I feel inclined to do) or would you cut your losses and go?

As another side note, now that I've told him our marriage has changed forever and I simply cannot look at him the same way, he told me that he intends to either throw himself off a bridge or take a copious amount of painkillers and go to sleep as he simply cannot live without me and our girls who he claims to love more than anything in this world.

This adds additional pressure as it should be me that is spiralling out of control and he should be comforting me, not placing me under this additional strain.

Sorry, one further thing that I found absolutely incredulous. He was admitted to hospital last year with a back injury and was discharged 5 days later so we could go on our family holiday. Turns out on this holiday, he had searched for one of the nursing assistants from the hospital (using Snapchat )and was messaging asking to meet, telling her how attractive she was.

Feel so sorry for our girls as I want him out after Christmas as surely things cannot ever be well again after ALL of this. The trust is gone forever.

Thank you for reading and I appreciate any responses.

When he threatens to kill himself, ask him to wait until you increase his life insurance policy, or say “Okay… that’s one problem solved”

Oh OP what a terrible shock, and at this time of year.

There's really no going back from this. I'm not sure I could get through Christmas with him, and the girls are bound to pick up on the atmosphere, it won't be the same family xmas will it. I'd get myself to your parents with the girls and leave him it at home for now. Sort it out in the NY.

Get rid. Kids are perceptive and your girls will eventually work out what he is doing, and you don’t want them growing up thinking it’s ok for a man to treat a woman that way. Be strong and make a better life for you and your girls. You don’t need this waste of space.

I don't understand why you can't take action before Christmas

Delaying the inevitable & playing happy families is not going to help anyone. It will mess with your head & give him false hope meaning you are less likely to end it with him

I would think it's more in your kids best interests to spend time away from that awful man

Id leave.

He's denied, lied and minimised all the way.
I guarantee he's done a lot more than he's currently admitted to. He's sticking with only what you can prove.
It'll be the tip of the iceberg.

People who attempt to manipulate someone to forgive their shitty behaviour with fake threats of suicide are beneath contempt. Tbh id reply along the lines of "that would be great but I doubt I'm that lucky". because fuck him. Seriously fuck him up the arse with an unlubed pineapple. Suicide is devastating and for it to be used as a manipulative tool is disgusting.

Oh my goodness. I was reading that open mouthed I’m so sorry for you.

once is a mistake…. multiple times and different events is just unforgivable.
It’s common for men to blame their mental health (read the script). Also he won’t kill himself he is just trying to guilt trip you.

get out! End your marriage. I would 100%

I am so sorry you're going through this! In my experience, what you have been told is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg. Adulterers first steps are usually to minimise their actions ('it was just once') or gaslight ('you didn't pay me enough attention').

When I went through something similar, my then partner had the audacity to suggest that I was over-reacting (at discovering his cheating) and maybe it was because of my 'time of the month'.

Things to consider:
From the huge amount of interactions with so many, many women, there could be a problem with sex addiction

Trust has been completely broken and he's shown you that lying comes very easily to him. How could you ever trust him again? It would be even more difficult given his job involves him being away a lot.

In my relationship I decided to give it another shot, only because he seemed genuinely devastated by his actions and he signed up for counselling. We were still together a year later but it was the most miserable year of my life as I discovered there was a lot more he hadn't told me. By the end, he was an absolute stranger to me and I was relieved when it finally came to an end. Grieving the years we spent together was very hard but looking back now, leaving was the BEST thing I could have ever done. It opened up the door to a much, much better life.

Tell him to eff off and take the kids to your parents for Christmas. See a solicitor this week to get things moving. When he threatens suicide just roll your eyes and tell him not to be such a drama queen and to act like an adult and take responsibility for his poor behavior. But seriously, you need to get rid of him. You will never be able to trust him again.

This sounds exactly like sex addiction. You'll want to seek betrayal trauma counselling for yourself.

So sorry you're going through this I know the heartbreak. You will get through this and be stronger and wiser. Not that I'd wish this on anyone. Definitely get a sti check up. It's always worse than they ever tell.

Just know it's nothing to do with you at all. It's all about him not being enough, never you.

He will want to do addiction recovery and integrity abuse recovery so he stands a chance of being a decent human being and father. But that's on him not you to rescue him.

Sex addiction isn't recognised on the NHS yet but as its increasing hopefully the knowledge of treatment for all those involved will be widely available.

@soonsoonbespringagain

The time of the month excuse was a real shocker to me. Something I have no control over my body naturally doing has forced you to behave in despicable ways. Wow the victim mentally at its finest.

So sorry you had to go through that too.

@Anonymous12344321 i'm so sorry this has happened. You've done NOTHING to deserve such a weak, unfaithful cowardly man.

You should absolutely divorce. Go see a solicitor in family law and get real advice on the house, pensions and anything else. Once you are informed, you can make real plans.

Don't let his feeble suicide threats sway you. He IS a liar, cheat and emotionally abusive rat. He'll say anything to get back his sweet deal where you take care of the home and he gets to go out and hump escorts. Rotten bugger.

Your girls will know something is wrong. You won't be able to avoid that. After Xmas, sit them down and be honest. Tell them that you and DH cannot be together anymore, that you both love them and that everything will be different but okay. That's all you can do. This wasn't your choice - he knew when he lied and cheated that it would break up the family but he didn't care.

Take care of yourself first and one day soon when you are on the other side, you'll look back and be proud of your own strength and that you didn't let him away with it, you didn't grovel or beg and that you knew your own worth.

This sounds exactly like sex addiction.

Sometimes it's not necessary to pathologise leg humping terrier, shagger types.

A lot of this is happening when he's working away - some men really do think they're entitled to/"need" sex and if they're away from their main provider, they're entitled to substitutes. The number of men who think that way is not insignificant.

You'll see it in expats whose partners aren't with them. They'll have a local gf or use prostitutes for the duration.

They just have the attitude that men need and will find sex wherever is possible.

It's not necessarily an addiction.

Some men also feel deprived only shagging one woman, conveniently feel it's unnatural for men, and feel entitled to variety. Again it's not necessarily an addiction, they just cherry pick the parts of monogamous relationships that suit them, and don't want their partner to know or do the same so they are never honest about it.

A lot of the (mostly male) human race are just opportunististic, genital led, greedy, selfish, empathy lacking "people".

Pathologising shitty, creepy men is what condemns loads of women to years of counselling (and more suffering) ... That doesn't change anything.

Because the problem is not an "addiction".

Sex addiction?!?! Why give men the pseudomedical excuse to completely disregard the human beings that they use as props in their lives? Why give them another excuse to completely drop all accountability for their actions? That’s horseshit, and this sort of pseudoscience is just continuing to foster the development of a society of entitled people who are utterly devoid of compassion and empathy and only out to get what they can for themselves.

This.
It is usually the people who dont say a word that actually commit suicide, not the attention seekers
My mother took her own life. I was concerned for her, got a doctor out to see her. He called me afterwards and said she seemed 'a bit depressed'. She refused counselling and medication. No indications of suicidal thoughts, either to me or to him. She did it less than a week later.
What he's doing is manipulating you, OP. If you feel you need to get Christmas over with first, do that. But your daughters need to know that this is not what a relationship or a marriage is. That this is what you 'put up with'.
Genuinely, you deserve so much better. And as PP have said, you're not the one 'breaking up the family'. He's done that with his behaviour.
I wish you and your girls the best Christmas possible under the circumstances,, and all the best for your new lives. You'll be fine, OP, trust me. I've been there xxx

Get rid of him.

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of responses and the time you have taken to signpost different resources for me or simply give me your opinion and your advice - it is so welcome.

A few of you have mentioned sex addiction and this has definitely been mentioned by my husband mulitple times since everything has come to light. He seems to think his mental health issues and 'sex addiction' are all intertwined. It certainly may look that way to experts in sex addiciton, in terms of the amount of contact he's made to different women, escort sites,onlyfans, meeting a prostitute, meeting the young woman in his lorry.

In my opinion, I can't help but feel that because sex addiction has been widely publicised in the media recently, this is almost certainly something that cheating men would catch on to and use as an excuse. My husband said to me that if he was sufferring any other type of addiciton i.e. drug/alcohol abuse then most wives would be willing to support that so why can't I do this for him for his sex addiction. How on earth he thinks I could support him through this is just unfathomable.

If a sex addiction is what he has, so be it, but it certainly isn't something I can or should be expected to support him with and he will need to seek his own help for that. Do I think he will? No, I think the man who is now a stranger to me will simply carry on with his seedy ways and I do not want to be part of that whatsoever.

To those of you urging me to get him out before Christmas, it's not as simple as that. I imagine he'd call the police to obtain access and I want to shield my children from that type of scenario and do this as peacefully as possible. I've also spoken to a solicitor about a legal separation document and I intend to get him to sign this once I've had it drawn up, so I want to do my best to keep him on side somewhat in order to avoid costly fees and just hope for as streamlined a separation as possible.

Once I've made a decision about something I am almost always resolute. On this occasion, there is nothing that could possibly make me consider changing my mind. I have enough evidence to know that in a thousand lifetimes, this man could never revert back to the man I married.

I'm sleeping in my youngest daughter's bedroom at present with her. She's been having some nightmares lately and so both girls don't find it unusual that I'm sleeping beside her. Of course, perhaps a few days after Christmas or certainly by 2nd January, I am going to have that talk in a way that doesn't make them think their world will come crashing down. A few of you have given me some ideas on how to approach this and I appreciate it.

He hasn't mentioned the word suicide today in any of his mulitple messages/voicenotes (declaring his undying love for me) so I'm hoping that he doesn't use this tactic again as it's frightening.

Another strange thing I've noticed is that despite being an incredibly emotional person, I haven't cried. When I found all the evidence it was almost as if I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding in my chest and I suppose I just feel numb now. I guess the tears will come at some point, I just don't want to cry in front of him.

Thank you everyone for your continued support.

He is manipulating with the suicide threats but they should always be taken seriously (it's a myth that people don't mention it.)

Call his bluff and dial 999 and tell them what he's threatening. It's not your responsibility, professionals need to deal with it (and it might stop him saying these things to you.)

Call his bluff every time - and it's the right way to respond to people talking about topping themselves, anyway . It's not for laypeople to assess how serious he is.

This sounds exactly like sex addiction

This sounds exactly like a way to excuse and minimise lying cheating men

Sex addiction is usually just an excuse cheaters give.

@Anonymous12344321 tbh OP he has just shown his true colours once again by stating that wives are expected to support and stay with their husbands if they had any type of substance misuse or addiction. fuck no! if you had posted saying he was an addict of any type, I would have suggested you get out. and whereas there may be true sex addiction out there, I don't think that is the case here - I think he is a pervert, an opportunist and an all round bastard who will use any excuse to get his way. you are doing the right thing.

First message nails it.

My husband said to me that if he was sufferring any other type of addiciton i.e. drug/alcohol abuse then most wives would be willing to support that so why can't I do this for him for his sex addiction.

Ask him if he'd support you through any addiction including sex addiction .... If he discovered you're a "sex addict" by finding out you've ordered a male escort and fucked him (after engineering an argument to leave home due to), fucked the local man whore at somewhere you stayed for work, in your vehicle , went looking for hookups on apps and sites and had them with various men; all while hiding it from him, shagging him, coming back to your family home etc.

Is he says yes, he's lying.

In my opinion, I can't help but feel that because sex addiction has been widely publicised in the media recently, this is almost certainly something that cheating men would catch on to and use as an excuse.

Yes.