Husband is a liar and a CHEAT

[Anonymous12344321]

My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have two daughters aged 8 and 13.

A few years ago, my DH decided he would have an argument with me and disappeared off for the weekend and I had no idea where he had gone. No previous history of doing anything like this before and I just had the most awful gut instinct that he was with another woman. I decided to check his Google account and used Google maps to track his exact location. Imagine my horror when I tracked him down to a hotel 250 miles away. I called him and asked what he was doing and he told me that he had hired an escort but had decided he couldn't go through with it after all. I was devastated however, after he returned home the following day, he told me that there had been no escort (he wanted to hurt me by saying this, as in his head he had believed I had been cheating on him ) and he had simply went down to meet some work colleagues to go out for a drink as he needed some space and wanted to let his hair down.

I was so overwhelmed by the situation that I just decided to believe him and move on. Sometimes people can become overwhelmed with family life and this was completely out of character for him.

Fast forward to last week and I had been having the same gut instinct that something was wrong. He had been incredibly protective over his phone for as long as I can remember and he literally spent his evenings glued to it after work. He works as a lorry driver and, until last July, he worked away from home Monday to Friday. This was hard however I had work and the children to keep me occupied and I've always (rightly or wrongly) done the lion's share of everything to do with the children/housework etc.

Anyway, he went to bed early as he normally does and I decided I was going to check his Google account again just to put my mind at ease as I knew something wasn't quite right.

Well, I couldn't quite have prepared myself for what I found. There was quite a lot so im just going to list the items here:

1. Conversations between him and multiple women asking them to meet him.

1. Sexually explicit content shared between him and other women.

1. Evidence that he had met and slept with at least 1 of these women.

1. Evidence of payments to Onlyfans.

5 . Adultwork account and lots of messages sent to escorts asking to meet up (even on my birthday) however no actual evidence that he met any.

1. Conversation between him and another woman where he was getting annoyed at the fact she had slept with someone other than him!

So, I waited until a short time before he was due to get up for work as I knew I could not wait until he came home in the evening to confront him.

This was his response:

1. He felt I had no time for him and just enjoyed the thrill of the chase between him and other females. Apparently I haven't given him many compliments in the past couple of years. (This is garbage, he just expects constant praise and compliments which is completely unreasonable.)

1. He doesn't know why he did it other than the fact that he was lonely and bored while working away from home and his mental health hasn't been right. (He took antidepressants as a teenager but hasn't medicated all the time I've known him).

1. He flat out denied sleeping with anyone and said there was never anything physical.

1. He admitted he was curious about onlyfans but wouldn't show me what he viewed.

1. He said the messages to escorts never materialised into anything and he was just wasting their time for fun.

In the past week, I've managed to contact the woman that the messages indicate he slept with and she admitted it happened around 10 times in his lorry whilst he was parked up for the evening in her hometown. She is around 12 years younger (we are late 30's) and I've since found out that she works in one of the service stations that many drivers pop into for fuel/food etc and it turns out she has quite the reputation for sleeping with lots of different drivers.

Husband has finally admitted that he slept with her just once. Said it meant nothing and that he has been struggling with his mental health the past few years and this is the reason. He also confirmed he had in fact slept with a prostitute when I had tracked him down to the hotel a few years ago.

This has all absolutely blown my mind. I am trying my best to keep it together for our two girls and have been going through the motions of getting them to school and myself to work.

As a bit of background, I work in a professional role and have at times felt that my husband has felt threatened by this simply by the comments he makes. I'm not quite sure why he would feel this way but I think he preferred it more when the children were younger and I was part time and more financially reliant on him.

I suppose what I'm looking for is people simply to tell me what they would do in this situation. Would you stay (that's the last thing I feel inclined to do) or would you cut your losses and go?

As another side note, now that I've told him our marriage has changed forever and I simply cannot look at him the same way, he told me that he intends to either throw himself off a bridge or take a copious amount of painkillers and go to sleep as he simply cannot live without me and our girls who he claims to love more than anything in this world.

This adds additional pressure as it should be me that is spiralling out of control and he should be comforting me, not placing me under this additional strain.

Sorry, one further thing that I found absolutely incredulous. He was admitted to hospital last year with a back injury and was discharged 5 days later so we could go on our family holiday. Turns out on this holiday, he had searched for one of the nursing assistants from the hospital (using Snapchat )and was messaging asking to meet, telling her how attractive she was.

Feel so sorry for our girls as I want him out after Christmas as surely things cannot ever be well again after ALL of this. The trust is gone forever.

Thank you for reading and I appreciate any responses.

He doesn't have to live without his daughters, he can have them 50-50 (bet he won't).

He does have to live without you, but I'd have thought he'd manage that quite well - given how much whoring around he does/tries to do.

(Is it just the domestic services ... He'll no doubt recruit an unknowing replacement soon enough. If it's his reputation.... Only a man like him could expect to fuck prostitutes and whoever else he can get to shag him repeatedly while maintaining his respectable family man good bloke rep).

From what you've found, I wouldn't believe for one second that all those "escort" enquiries were not followed through on and were only him amusing himself wasting their time (even if true - which it's not - what does that say about a person?).

... Become a little annoyed when he chooses to spend 3 hours polishing his car instead of taking youngest out somewhere for a few hours

Ah, the daughters he can't live without.

If you're abusing him, he'll be relieved and delighted to be free from your abusive clutches then, won't he.

The MH excuses for repeated, habitual cheating sound like the usual BULLSHIT.

He must be a walking std with all the prostitutes and the truck stop girl who fucks most of the drivers.

Like other posters have said - this specimen will not do him self in. The prostitutes' luck wouldn't be that good.

And if he threatens it. ... Call the police out for a welfare check on him ... Every single time; he'll soon stop that tactic.

You won't even get as far as the phone call if you tell him you're going to .... He'll waffle back out of it.

As another side note, now that I've told him our marriage has changed forever and I simply cannot look at him the same way, he told me that he intends to either throw himself off a bridge or take a copious amount of painkillers and go to sleep as he simply cannot live without me and our girls who he claims to love more than anything in this world

He won't. If he leaves & sends a message indicating he's self harmed don't engage with him. Call 999 & report it to the police. This is just typical manipulative behaviour. Don't let this 'threat' cloud your judgement

It's amazing escorts make any money. All these men that just contact them but never meet them - yeah right 🙄

As a side note, I don't have half as many friends as I did before the marriage as my husband has disliked each and everyone of them and made it difficult for me to maintain friendships at times.

Hallmark of an abuser.

Try to get back in contact with them.

Get an STD check
Break up with him
If he did kill himself it would be entirely on him, though I think he is just manipulating you. If he does threaten suicide get the Police to find him, they actually spend a lot of their time looking for people who threaten this.
Get advice from a solicitor
I did some voluntary work with a women’s shelter a number of years ago and they taught me something about abusers and him threatening suicide is a typical tactic to make you behave in the way he wants.

he simply cannot live without me and our girls who he claims to love more than anything in this world

When words and actions are so incredibly disparate and conflicting ...... The thing to go with is generally the actions.

If that's how he treats a woman he loves and the mother of two kids he loves; I wouldn't like to see how he acts if he doesn't love someone.
And he can't care too much about his daughter's family/home given he's done things that would make it impossible for any sane person to stay married to & cohabiting with him.
Also interesting how lazy and selfish and disengaged he sounds - for someone who values his kids and family so much.

Apparently I've been mentally abusing him

The poor pet.

Well, abusers almost never change, so he needs to escape the relationship and get counselling for the abuse and never go back.

Likewise it's totally advised against to have marriage/relationship/joint counselling with an abuser - so he better not even think of doing that either. Get away and get individual counselling; that's the advice.

The added advantage will be that he won't even have to try to hide the evidence of his prostitute use/exploitation, and attempts to pull anyone he can pull ... Until he gets a new dupe.

(Why would he even want to try to stay with a mental abuser ... I mean that must be some severe long-term mental abuse to drive him to the behaviour he's been manifesting .... Is it because he's such a martyr, who loves his kids so much, that he wants to stay? You should tell him that he shouldn't martyr himself like that, it's no good for his mental health; he needs to break free and he can be a parent as a divorced man; just think what an amazing parent he'll be when he breaks free of abd recovers from all the mental abuse he's been suffering.
Likewise - being driven by mental abuse to use prostitutes and have sex with the truck stop shagger, and anyone else he could get to shag him; well that's all very risky for his sexual health. He could affect his health with this behaviour that had resulted from being a mental abuse; another reason he needs to exit the abusive relationship immediately and not ever go back.

*from being a mental abuse victim

Utter fucking bastard.

Keep it together for Christmas and on the 27th go to a lawyer to file for divorce.

He's put your health at risk. So yes, get tested for STI's.

exactly this @Anonymous12344321 he is just manipulating you. I understand why you want to wait till Xmas, fair enough. but you must make him leave before then if he shows any signs of aggression, get your self an std check pronto and don't feel bad about being cold to him. only talk to him when you have to. don't cook for him(except Xmas maybe), don't clean up after him and tell him you need space and he needs to work away more. in fact, I don't think it's wrong for you to say "I need space to think, if you want me to genuinely work through this, I need breathing space. work away or stay in a hotel until Xmas." that way, you can tell kids dad is at work and you also get breathing space. then, you boot him out after Xmas.

Think about your daughters and what advice you would give to them if they were in this situation with a man. There is your answer my love xxxx

He is vermin.

Almost anybody else would be better than him.

It is a no-brainer. He offers literally nothing.

He’d have no teeth left if he was my husband…

I’d tell him that the bridge would make your life easier and call the cops on him for a welfare check. Manipulative, grotesquery of a man.

Many years ago, somebody responded to my idea of a clean break with comments like I expect you would like me to kill myself. I pointed out that there was a local viaduct that would probably do the job if he was that way inclined. Over thirty years later he is alive and kicking. Your lying cheating piece of shit husband has no intention of killing himself. You could point out that it would save the expense of divorcing him. He didn't think about his marriage or his children when he was trying to find as many random women as possible to put his penis in. How grubby that they did it in his lorry - obviously a top quality woman there! And all men say that they don't go through with the escorts they contacted but they did. At least the escorts will presumably have insisted on safe sex. If I were you I wouldn't handle your husband's penis with anything other than rubber gloves and tongs.

This!!!!

There is someone in my life (not a spouse) who threatens to commit suicide everytime their spouse tries to leave their unhappy and dysfunctional marriage. It's disgusting and has affected their spouse's mental health beyond all recognition. Their spouse won't listen to any advice about the manipulation they're suffering and refuses to believe that this is all an act and has remained with them. Other agencies, such as social services are involved now. Their child is under a CP programme. Their spouse can't get the help for their mental health that they so desperately need because if social services see that both parents need mental health care, there is a real concern that their child will be removed from their care.
Please don't fall for the act OP. Call 999 if he threatens it. If he says it in front of if you. Call in front of him.

I'd love for him to leave tomorrow but he says he has nowhere to go and if I make him go he will take his pills and I won't see him ever again.

Controlling and coercive behaviour. Please do the freedom programme or search for "the persuader freedom programme" on YouTube. You'll soon see it for what it is.

Have you experienced any other coercive control?

Apparently I've been mentally abusing him. By mentally abusing him he means that I ask him to do the occasional chore around the house or become a little annoyed when he chooses to spend 3 hours polishing his car instead of taking youngest out somewhere for a few hours.

This is DARVO. He's definitely abusive.

What an awful man. Sadly he has absolutely no capacity for change because even now he perceives himself to be the victim and won’t take responsibility for what he’s done. He’ll be manipulative enough now though to put on the performance of a life time over Christmas about being a great dad and family man and will continue his threats of suicide, which are textbook when someone feels they are losing control of a woman. Please know though that he is highly unlikely to commit suicide but even if he attempted it that is not in any way your responsibility. He is a grown man and only he is responsible for his actions. If I were, when you ask him to leave I’d tell his close friends and family that for your mental health you’re cutting him off but he has made threats about killing himself. That way you’ve done what you can to safeguard him without taking ongoing responsibility for that.

He’s not going to kill himself. Classic abusive behaviour threatening to.

They all follow the same script ...

ie they only admit to the bare minimum when actually they've done way worse

Threaten self harm if they don't get their own way (ie if you don't put up & shut up)

Look at the Surviving Infidelity forum website(Google search should bring it up)

Book yourself a sexual health/transmitted diseases check up ASAP

Once they realise you aren't going to go back to being walked all over they can very quickly go from victim threatening suicide to aggressor trying to get make life difficult for you & your children so speak to solicitor for advice ASAP & make sure important paperwork/documents are stored safely

Make sure your passwords for phone , laptop, email, bank accounts etc are secure & make sure he can't follow what you are writing here on mumsnet

What an absolute creature he is! I've not read all the replies but please get yourself booked for a sexual health check in the NY.

Not only has he cheated, he's blamed you and then tried to manipulate you to stay by threatening to kill himself without every other insult I could throw at him, he's incredibly selfish and you're doing the right thing by leaving him.

No practical advice on the house apart from seeing a solicitor as soon as you can to see where you stand. It's understandable that you don't want to ruin the kids Christmas but that being said, if you think he'll be able to talk you round after staying for a few days, it would be absolutely worth it to make him go now. Can he go to his parents?

When he starts threatening suicide I would either ring him an ambulance or if he's said it and left, ring the police- let him explain his actions to them and see what they do.

His mental health is not your responsibility, he's done this to himself. I'd also be reminding him that if he was thinking about you and the kids he wouldn't have behaved that way in the first place or be threatening suicide which will only devastate them.

They all follow the same script ...

This is so true.

Please believe the posters who have told you his threats of suicide are manipulation.

His fear is not that you will leave him but that you will tell other people why.

He knows that, once you have physically split, he won't have the same control over you, what you do or what you say.

My exh had an affair. He had a breakdown afterwards and had therapy. Despite the affair, I was determined to stay amicable for the children. He didn't threaten suicide but he told me the content of some of his sessions and his greatest fear was not losing me (or even the children tbh) but what other people would think of him; what friends would think of him; what mutual friends would think of him. That is what he is scared of.

Oh, and it's also true that once he realises his attempts at manipulation haven't worked, he will become nasty. That's not a reason to stay either though. But it will show you that people were right and that you were right to continue.

I voted file for divorce in your poll. 100% of strangers who responded (and every post) has agreed and said leave him. Do you really think friends and family who actually know you will think otherwise?

Trust me he WILL NOT kill himself

Be assured of that

Don't change the locks if he is named on the deeds

See a solicitor ASAP

Get all paperwork and passports safely hidden

He is vile. GET RID

Er, he can't live without you and the children, but can continually, over several years, completely undermine and disrespect you and the family. He's been caught, and he's now playing the victim. Move on, even if you could get over this, he doesn't deserve it.

Hope you have friends and family, tell them everything.

Tell whoever he shacks up with next exactly what he did, send her this thread.

If he threatens to jump, say good hope you do…and don’t waste police time on his threats..we need the police for important stuff not this turd…