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Original poster

Does having children make you happy? Would you have them even if unhappy in your marriage?

125 replies

Henriettana · 17/12/2023 19:59

Does having children make you happy? If you've had them, do you think you're happier than if you didn't?

I am in a marriage which makes me unhappy. It's not abusive and he hasn't cheated. But I don't feel he values me or desires me, and I feel disappointed by the whole thing. I was hopeful at the start, but now I regret it and feel sad about it.

But I have always wanted a family. If I leave him, I may never have one. If I have children, I would plan to stay with him so would likely be in a difficult marriage forever. But I think he would be a good dad and would love any kids we have.

I'd be interested to hear what others would do - and what others have done?

OP posts:
ChequeredPastel · 17/12/2023 20:01

Children are hard work. They tend to expose any existing cracks, and highlight a few more. They will put stress on every weakness you both possess. If you are unhappy they will not make you happy. You will just enjoy them in spite of your situation.

Cantgetausername87 · 17/12/2023 20:02

Children will make you happy. But children test even the strongest of relationships and I personally wouldn't want to bring children up in an unhappy environment. I don't know how old you are, but it may not be too late to restart. I'm not judging you as actually I don't know what I'd do in your situation but you can be sure children will not make your marriage any happier x

Caffeineneedednow · 17/12/2023 20:02

I love my children and they make me happy but kids do not fix a relationship. They add endless stress to it. We have to actively work on our relationship and try hard to communicate properly and not snap. To be clear we are not perfect and have bad days. We have 3 kids 2 of which are preschool age

CurlewKate · 17/12/2023 20:04

Personally, I wouldn't have had a child with a man I didn't love or who didn't love me. Children learn about relationships from the ones they see. I would have a child on my own-but not with a man I didn't love.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 20:05

My ex got me pregnant on purpose.. It was the beginning of a decade of hell. Don't do it op. Have a dc as a single woman if that is your wish. He spent 4 years in court trying to erase me from their lives (we had 3 as I resigned myself to being with him. ) I was anorexic and had ptsd by the end. My dc ultimately went through 4 years of hell too. Don't do it op. Don't your eggs deserve a better grade of sperm???

Orangeandgold · 17/12/2023 20:05

I would be reluctant to stay in a relationship that was bland however I’d also advise you and your husband to sort out the relationship and marriage first. Having a child will not fix things - it might make him “value” you more but it may do the complete opposite!

Could you do councelling? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Could you point out his actions that make you feel unvalued and work on that?

I had my child unplanned outside of marriage and yes my daughter brings me a level of job but having a child really amplifies existing problems and either brings you closer or doesn’t.

I would never regret my child but I wouldn’t have planned to have one on purpose in an unhappy relationship or marriage unless I was desperate or was willing to put up with more years of misery which I don’t think you deserve.

Maybe also look at your internal beliefs about yourself too.

TisTheDarnSeason · 17/12/2023 20:05

Having kids in what is already a 'difficult' marriage is an appalling idea and a fast-track to absolute misery for everyone involved.

Kids are hard, hard work. Becoming a parent will magnify any existing cracks in even the happiest of relationships and probably create a fair few new ones too.

Do not do it.

DGConsultant · 17/12/2023 20:07

Bloke here. Both my brother and sister either have a kid with partners, or will have shortly. I'm the 37 year old singleton in the family. I don't think you should use a child as a form of creating happiness, having a kid is a serious thing financially, emotionally, best to bring them into a happy environment. Will expose the cracks in your apparently unhappy marriage further with the stress. Needs to be a strong relationship from the outset, ideally.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2023 20:07

Please don’t do it. You, he, your potential children deserve better.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 17/12/2023 20:07

I love my DC but if I'd had them in a bad marriage, no, they would not have made me happier. They'd have made me less happy because I was conscious of the shit situation we were all stuck in and the shit options that were available. And having them is hard. It would have been so much harder if I wasn't doing it with a strong partner.

NotToYou · 17/12/2023 20:12

My children make me very happy, but a strong relationship is so important for family life to work well

NameChangeAgain23 · 17/12/2023 20:13

If I am completely honest with myself, I had my second when I should have just left and I knew this deep down. I was desperate for a happy family. But in all honesty there is nothing happy about a shitty relationship… left when youngest was 18 months. Not gona lie my kids bring me so much joy, but my spectacles are defo rose tinted!

Lifeasiknowitisout · 17/12/2023 20:13

Children do not have the ability to stop you being unhappy if there are large parts of your life you are unhappy with.

and honestly, it’s entirely cruel to a child to have them in the hope they bring you enough happiness to make a crap marriage liveable. Children shouldn’t be brought into the world with the expectation that they are there to fix the adult relationships. That dynamic ends up being terrible for the child.

Children do not fix the world and make everything seem ok. Having child polarises things. And unhappy marriage will likely get worse. There is joy and it’s wonderful. But if you are unhappy, they can make it worse. Tiredness, stress, your life being turned upside down won’t magically make things ok.

If you are deeply unhappy that will be present even in the joy a child brings. An undercurrent of unhappiness. And children usually pick up on it.

Inkypot · 17/12/2023 20:23

My children do make me incredibly happy, however that's not to say you can't also be happy if you don't have children. It's a very different experience and does come with an entire new depth of love and strength I never knew I could have, but it is also a lot more work and worry too.
What I would say is children deserve as healthy a start in life as possible (with regards to relationships) You set the tone for what love is and how to value themselves. It doesn't sound like you're happy with your husband so you need to work on that before even starting to think of bringing a life into the situation- a life that hasn't asked to be brought into it. I'd look at couples therapy first and go from there.

Newsenmum · 17/12/2023 20:25

I love mine but my mental health has never been so bad as before children. It’s very very difficult and as others have said, it makes things much more stressful with your partner . And then there’s the guilt of these little children watching you both and making their own decisions by how they view your relationship!

How old are you? I would honestly look at sorting yourself out of this relationship. There are other ways to have children.

Simonjt · 17/12/2023 20:29

Our children don’t make me happy, but they enhance my happiness. I don’t think that would be the case if I had the stress of being in a poor relationship. Children are hard, our two so far have been fairly easy, but its hardwork, its relentless and it is 24/7, I’m doing it with someone I love and who I’m very happy with. I’m also doing it with someone with a very similar parenting style who parents as much as I do.

If I had children in an already unhappy and delicate relationship, children would likely just bring more stress, worry and resentment.

ColourByNumbers88 · 17/12/2023 20:34

No, do not do this. Children will make your unhappy relationship worse. If you feel unvalued now, the addition of a child will accentuate this. This really is a bad call.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 17/12/2023 20:46

This is a tricky one. DH and I had kids in what used to be a very strong, happy relationship. We’d been together ten years before our first was born. We now have 2 DC who make me very, very happy. And tired and stressed. But, mostly, very happy.

However our relationship has taken a hammering and we are both actively working to try and make it better, and we both want it to be better. In many ways our relationship is even better than it was before children though the stress that young kids bring means that it’s hard to feel connected all the time.

In all honesty, we weren’t in an amazing place when we had DC2, but I had faith that we would come out the other side of it and frankly I wanted two kids, fairly close in age, with the same dad. I decided if it didn’t work out I would still want him to be the father to our children, and I wouldn’t want any kind of blended family situation, personally. So I can definitely relate to you wondering if it would be worth just going for it and hoping it works out. However we did have a therapist involved to support which has helped, and we have both really recognised what has needed to change and have worked hard on this. For me, I think we are on the home stretch of the really tricky early years with a stronger relationship now than when we started. However, there were times where I thought being apart would be better and I felt so wretched at the idea that my children would grow up living within an unhappy family.

So, questions I would ask myself. How old are you? Realistically is this your only chance? How much is he aware of the issues and willing to work on them? Are you able to manage as a single parent? What impact would your current dynamic have on your future kids, do you think? Is that something that you can live with? Best of luck, OP. Plenty of women go it alone from the start, which may be a better option for you.

Moveoverdarlin · 17/12/2023 20:48

Having children puts the happiest of marriages under immense strain IMO. It’s all been much harder work than I could have ever imagined.

Desecratedcoconut · 17/12/2023 20:50

Having children makes me happy. I wouldn't have them in an unhappy marriage because my happiness is secondary to their happiness.

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 17/12/2023 20:51

Don’t do it. It’s selfish and your hypothetical kids deserve better

Daisies12 · 17/12/2023 20:52

It’s selfish to plan to have kids in an unhappy relationship. Yes they can bring happiness but also a lot of stress and strain. Then they’ll end up with parents split up

Lavenderflower · 17/12/2023 20:53

I think children can give someone a sense of purpose and fulfilment, however, if you are unhappy or a bad relationship, I don't think a child can make you happy or fill that void.

Crushed23 · 17/12/2023 20:55

This is not an easy decision.

I am in my mid-30s and just a few months ago had the exact dilemma you have. I was in a LTR that wasn’t ideal (no abuse, no cheating, just felt ‘meh’ because we had mismatched sex drives) but I also couldn’t ignore my biological clock.

He ended up ending the relationship so the decision was taken out of hands, and despite an initial sadness that he was not going to be the father of my children (he really would have made a great dad…), I realised it really is for the best. It’s one thing for a good relationship to go south when children come onto the scene (and many do), it’s quite another to knowingly bring children into an already bad situation.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/12/2023 20:55

My children of course make me happy but they are hard work! I love my DH and am happy in our relationship because we value each other and enjoy each other’s company. If we didn’t, having children would be even harder.

I wouldn’t have children in an unhappy marriage because it certainly isn’t easy. They add a new layer of stress to it that you can’t really imagine until you’ve got them.