Does having children make you happy? Would you have them even if unhappy in your marriage?

[Henriettana]

Does having children make you happy? If you've had them, do you think you're happier than if you didn't?

I am in a marriage which makes me unhappy. It's not abusive and he hasn't cheated. But I don't feel he values me or desires me, and I feel disappointed by the whole thing. I was hopeful at the start, but now I regret it and feel sad about it.

But I have always wanted a family. If I leave him, I may never have one. If I have children, I would plan to stay with him so would likely be in a difficult marriage forever. But I think he would be a good dad and would love any kids we have.

I'd be interested to hear what others would do - and what others have done?

Hang on though, are you a single mum by choice as in used a sperm donor? If not, you've done exactly what OP is thinking of doing. Having kids with a less than perfect man. And it worked out for you, you are saying.

It might make you happier but being brought into an unhappy marriage definitely won't make your children happy. Even hypothetical children deserve better.

I don't think it's fair on a child to bring them into an unhappy relationship. I have seen the strongest relationships go through a hard time when a baby arrives. What happens if you have a baby that does not sleep? What happens if you have a child with special needs? One of my friends had IVF a few years ago and they said the first few months were hard going. This was from a lady who was married about 8 years and who had a very wanted baby by her and her husband.

I also think that you have to be happy within your self and with your own life before having a child. It a major life change and it's expensive to bring a child into the world.

I agree it’s not a great role model relationship for those kids. I also agree the optimum is to have your family with your soulmate who is a loving and involved father. That’s basically what we all want and many achieve (I have).

However if you accept you can’t achieve that you are left with a choice of not having the family / children at all, doing it on your own which is tough or staying in a sub optimal marriage so you at least get the family / children part. Assuming the relationship is not abusive I can kind of see the appeal of the third option. It has worked out surprisingly well for my friend despite our misgivings

The way people go 'oh but what about fertility windows' always make me roll my eyes.

Look, if you have to miss the bus because you haven't got the money for the bus or because you don't know where you want to go - you miss the damn bus!

Children aren't an entitlement.
We aren't owed them.
We shouldn't be having them if we aren't whole and complete within ourselves. And in happy, secure relationships.

Look at the people these days that have kids - be real, 80% of them never should have. For a multitude of reasons - because they cant afford them, because they don't make good parents, because the kids themselves are little deviants, because they tied one partner to an abuser or toxic relationship, because they only had them as they thought it was what they were 'supposed' to do and as a result resent their child or partner for it, because they studied or worked for years only to have to throw it all away because someone had to be at home to raise the kid-and they hate it, because it fucked up their bodies and now they can't sit down without pissing themselves.

So, so many people should.not.have.kids.
They should learn how to choose themselves and create individual destinies. Rather than following a one size, DOESN'T fit all ideology of settling for anyone remotely suitable in order to pop out kids whilst they can without actually considering why the fuck they are doing something that's risky, unnecessary and potentially even dangerous.

To be blunt, don't bring children into an unhappy marriage.

As many have said, children bring joy but even strong relationships are severely put to the test. You and your partner could end up even more unhappy and resentful than now and all children deserve a stable and loving home. Maybe consider what other options you have.

Sorry OP but that sounds like a recipe for utter misery. You'd be using him, undervaluing your own worth and as for your poor kids...
Its a terrible idea.

I have always wanted a family

Having children isn't going to give you this, you don't even really like your husband. You have brought into the fantasy of a happy family and think children will give you this. Stop and think about that for a minute. Guarantee if you go down this route, you'll be on here in a few years, miserable, full of regret and trapped with this man. Don't do it. You deserve more, and that doesn't necessarily mean children.

I had a child with my ex when we were unhappy. She was not planned and we'd had 'crisis talks' only a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant. I respect others who do but I didn't believe in termination and continued the pregnancy. He's plagued my life ever since. We stayed together initially to make a go of it but he was incredibly coercive to the point he used to record me in the house using security cameras. He's not taking me to court because I stopped him seeing our daughter where she developed a stammer after the last visit where he was trying to get her to say things that were untrue about me and my new partner, to the point where it psychologically affected her.

After my experience, given I never thought pre baby that my ex was such a psycho, id say if you really want a family you can do it alone. Don't stay with someone who makes you miserable.

Id also mention that I know being a single parent has a stigma but my daughter is 3.5 now all families are splitting up and are actually quite jealous of my simple life. Even people in relationships say that to me too. Naturally id have lived a 'standard family' but life doesn't go as we plan it to.

I've done the hard early years alone with almost zero support (aside from nursery) and now get to enjoy the easier bit (until she's a teenager no doubt). Honestly, it can be done and me and my daughter are so incredibly happy xx

You've misinterpreted or I haven't been clear.
It's not judgemental or smug - It's what I would choose. For me. For my life.

My points were:

• it's bloody hard. I have no idea how anyone does it from newborn onward alone. I underestimated how hard it would be... I had more help than most and struggled badly. I still find it hard and would not want to do it solo.
• childfree living was way easier. My life pre-children was very relaxing and nice.
• I'd want a stable 2 parent unit for my children (which i didnt have growing up) and I would never have knowingly had children in a relationship that's on the rocks.

I really don't think it's massively controversial to want to have children within a stable family unit and to be able to provide emotionally and materially for your children. Pretty much everyone wants the best for their children, no? 🤷‍♀️

They will accentuate the state of your marriage. If it's weak and unhappy, it'll get worse.

Marriage is about watching someone you love more than anything slowly turn into someone you hate. Children expedite the process.

I love my DS to death, but toddler years are difficult. He brings me endless joy but objectively overall I was probably happier before I had him, and I think this is borne out in research so I’m not alone. I work shifts and as I mentioned he’s a toddler though so I don’t think those things help!

I was in a very unhappy relationship before the one I’m in now (with my DS’s dad and we are rock solid) and having a child with my ex would have destroyed me.

I think you would be cutting yourself off from being much happier in the future if you had kids with someone when it wasn’t right.

I love my children, they made me and changed me for the better.
I didnt have a life beforehand so in all comparisons about my life before it is so much better.

But my DH and I at the time had our LO early on in dating, complete surprise. It was the toughest year ever and a very hardcore start. It really tests relationships even the best ones. You see where you are both different, esp in parenting views, you are both sleep deprived, highly stressed so tempers are high. Honestly we are a lucky fluke to have made it. It highlights all the flaws in a relationship.

Cant you leave him and find someone else to start a family with? Where you have a better chance of the family you want?

So often on these threads, most posters frame having children as something they're doing for themselves. It's their dream to have kids, it would fulfil them in their life. It's not just about you though. It's not like going for your dream job or buying your dream house or going on your dream holiday. There's another partner involved but most importantly there are the children involved too. It's your responsibility not to fuck them up, and the number one step for that is not bringing them into a knowingly, actively unhappy situation.

Children need a loving environment, full stop. That can be as a single parent or in a relationship but there needs to be love there. Growing up in an unhappy environment will make for unhappy children and likely unhappy adults too. If you can't provide that loving environment then yes, it'd be extraordinarily selfish to have children anyway.

I did it - had children in troubled marriage. Children was and is most important thing in my life. It not only happiness - the thought that I fulfilled the role of a mother, we are a family, my parents have grandchildren, my husband has grown emotionally and have a different meaning in life, Im privileged to have created human beings who will live in the future after me and so on - gives me inner peace. Children are hard work, but so is anything valuable in life as they say.

Me and my husband are separated but continue co-parenting. It's not ideal, but we try. Not regretting my babies. :)

In your case I would think about going solo. But if your husband is a decent human being and wants to have children - maybe.

@user1478172746 did you think about the children when deciding to bring them into an unhappy marriage, or was it all about you?

So often on these threads, most posters frame having children as something they're doing for themselves. It's their dream to have kids, it would fulfil them in their life. It's not just about you though.

Whilst I understand, and broadly agree with, this sentiment, I do think it’s incredibly hard to fully repress biological urges and think purely rationally. In fact, I think we would be extinct as a species if everyone thought about having children in a rational, logical way, and assessed their parenting ability in an objective, detached manner before having children.

That's what birth control is for.

And if it's making you so desperate that you only think about babies then you treat that the same way you would treat any addiction that threatens to ruin your life: Like the mental illness it is. You get treatment for it. You don't lean into it.

Unfortunately we don't do women any favours by making out the inability to have a child is this awful thing that is resolved by getting pregnant. We encourage women to lose themselves to this grief. To lean into the addiction rather than seek help to overcome it. We wouldn't encourage an alcoholic or a victim of depression to wallow.

A child certainly wouldn't be a good thing for someone who has reached the point of say, obsessively spending all their money on ivf. Because that person isn't actually mentally well. They've gone mad with an obsession.

Absolutely hormones can send us barmy. But hormones can cause all manner of loopy behaviour. It's our job to manage them as vest as we can. Not let them decide our whole life.

Don't do it. Children are hard enough in a solid marriage. To be honest having children ruined our relationship and we split up. I don’t think they necessarily always make you happy too. Teens are a fucking nightmare. That’s not happiness.

Sadly, often true 😭

I sometimes wonder about women who do circumcise girls in less enlightened societies.
They do is because this is what societal expectations are - and because they are ‘thinking of the children’ - as these girls’ lives won’t turn out happy otherwise.
But I have wondered who are those women…

Reading this thread has been a revelation. Sure - there are man misogynists there, and that is bad. But to me - it’s far worse to have women do this to other women.

It is a worst kind of woman hatred to judge other women for choices they make in difficult life situations and to put them down…

How entitled must you be to tell a woman to give up on wanting to have a child because they haven’t lined up societally approved kind of partner (in their view)…

Or dare to tell a woman yearning for a child that it is an addiction that needs MH treatment….

Or tell women they’ll horrifically damage their kids’ MH for the rest of their lives if they don’t ensure a happy 2parent home…

I get it - we are supposed to try to make sure our kids have the best start in life and eventually a happy life. But there are many ways that can be achieved. Plenty of single (or divorced) mothers have raised happy well adjusted kids. And plenty 2parent units have turned out weirdos…

If we are trying to optimise potential kids’ happiness and chances in life - we should just move to eugenics.
Fat people should choose to bot have kids - as it’s horrific to breed unhealthy offspring who’ll be facing years of health problems…
Ugly people should choose not to have kids as why create years of suffering for those new ugly people…
Stupid people certainly shouldn’t breed…
Poor people…
Etc../

I don't think it's fair to bring children into an unhappy marriage. Sorry 😞

If you’re worlds apart now, your parenting together and being a happy family is never going to happen and as it gets older, it will get worse and worse and it will a nightmare you can’t easily escape from.

How entitled must you be to tell a woman to give up on wanting to have a child because they haven’t lined up societally approved kind of partner (in their view)…

Yep, even worse most people who have done this are kidding themselves. "I found my soul mate" - sorry to tell you but soul mates don't exist.