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Original poster

Does having children make you happy? Would you have them even if unhappy in your marriage?

125 replies

Henriettana · 17/12/2023 19:59

Does having children make you happy? If you've had them, do you think you're happier than if you didn't?

I am in a marriage which makes me unhappy. It's not abusive and he hasn't cheated. But I don't feel he values me or desires me, and I feel disappointed by the whole thing. I was hopeful at the start, but now I regret it and feel sad about it.

But I have always wanted a family. If I leave him, I may never have one. If I have children, I would plan to stay with him so would likely be in a difficult marriage forever. But I think he would be a good dad and would love any kids we have.

I'd be interested to hear what others would do - and what others have done?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/12/2023 22:09

It is not like wanting to buy a different car, if I did not think my husbabd would not be a good father to the child/ren we had then no way would I have a child with him

It is not about me but them

Crushed23 · 17/12/2023 22:12

WandaWonder · 17/12/2023 22:09

It is not like wanting to buy a different car, if I did not think my husbabd would not be a good father to the child/ren we had then no way would I have a child with him

It is not about me but them

I think the OP’s situation is that he would make a good father, but the relationship currently makes her unhappy.

Echobelly · 17/12/2023 22:12

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage in order to have kids.

I would add you don't need a partner to have kids if that's what you really want - I know women who have got to mid-30s and decided to become a parent solo. BUT also, don't have kids in order to 'be happy'.

SemperIdem · 17/12/2023 22:16

I had a child with a man I was happy with and genuinely thought we’d last. In hindsight we were never going to work out and having that much wanted baby probably brought the end of the relationship on more rapidly.

We amicably co-parent and have done for years now. But it’s a pain in the arse, dealing daily with someone you ended up disliking so much that you divorced them. I’m sure he feels the same, as pleasant as we are to each other.

I wouldn’t have a baby with someone I was already unhappy with, because it would be even worse!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 17/12/2023 22:18

I think you'll find if you have DC you'll break up, so I'd factor that into consideration for future plans. It's easy to say I wouldn't have kids in this situation, personally if I was in your position I'd probably have gone it alone if I could afford to do so. If I couldn't hard to say but I think thered be a good chance I would have children with him if I could. I always wanted children and I know I'd regret not having them.

As it is I had children in a marriage I thought was happy and loving and turned out to be abusive with a man I thought would be a loving father who turned out to be extremely self centred and not above manipulating and hurting our children to hurt me. I think it would have actually been easier to go it alone and I wouldn't be having to deal with this horrible abusive person for many years to come. I don't regret having children and they are the light of my life, not everyone would feel that way in my situation.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/12/2023 22:28

To plan to have a child in an unhappy marriage is beyond selfish to the child but also so selfish to yourself. Children place more pressure on relationship.

However if you both want a child you could coparent or be a single mum. My friends romance is dead in the marriage but they happily coparent as basically flatmate and it works ok for them for now.

Or you can have a child alone easily via sperm doner. This would be the least f*ed up start to child's life although you'd need your finances and support system
In place.

ElevenSeven · 17/12/2023 22:29

Don’t bring children into an unhappy home; that’s really unfair.

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2023 23:03

Focus on being your own family first.
Having your own back, respecting yourself, making healthy life choices.

You complete that life stage first before considering children.

Otherwise you remain unfulfilled and you raise children who grow up to be the same.

Kids dont exist to fill voids or fix you.
You have to fix you first.

Mangotango39 · 17/12/2023 23:36

I think what some people forget is that your relationship is your example to your children - would you want them to think all there is out there unhappy marriages?

GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 23:45

I do not regret becoming a parent but it is so much harder than I ever imagined. Being a good mother demands SO much. I really had no idea…

Similar to @SnaillikeCantaloupe I could not do this as I’d want without my life partner. I want them to have a happy stable home with “the whole package”.
Me and my DH are in it together. Forever. we want our kids to have it all.

Knowing what I know now… I would rather have had no children than be a single mother /in a bad marriage for both myself and the kids…

that’s the gods honest truth.

jsku · 18/12/2023 00:31

@GreatGateauxsby

Seriously - you’d rather not have children than be a single mother….

This is extremely judgemental and smug at the same time.

Great for you - you met your Life Partner. Long may it last.
Many women don’t manage to meet theirs.
Or think they do and those perfect Ones turn out to be crappy partners when life challenges happen.

So many marriages end up in divorces and people co parent. And it’s OK.

If OP has a child - her marriage may survive or not. Just like any other marriage.

crumblingschools · 18/12/2023 00:42

@jsku but no-one should purposely have children with a shit partner. Children come first, so if you know your partner is going to be a shit dad or that you will split up and they will be shunted between homes, don’t have children. Obviously, if things don’t work out after having DC then you have to navigate co-parenting or being a lone parent, but that should never be the ultimate aim to start with

WenttheDayWell · 18/12/2023 00:49

There is no way I would choose to have children in an already unhappy marriage. Obviously people do have children and marriages become unhappy or the PG was not planned but it seems like an act of self destruction to willingly do this.

Passingthethyme · 18/12/2023 00:50

You'd be a fool to have children if you had children and were already in an unhappy relationship (not to mention incredibly selfish for the children). Children are hard work and will test even the strongest relationship.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 18/12/2023 01:03

My son has made me very happy but I wouldn’t have tried for a baby in an unhappy marriage. My marriage is very happy and stable and being new parents has tested us at times. An unhappy marriage either wouldn’t survive or would get a lot worse.

jsku · 18/12/2023 01:11

It is easy for those who have kids already - and especially if you happened to have functional marriages to be black and white about it.
But I don’t think it gives you the right to tell someone that they should give up on having children - just because their relationship is not perfect as yours is.

Reality is - we have a short fertility window.
If you want kids and have not met The Prince by your mid-late 30s - you have a decision to make - Have a kid with someone who is OK (but not perfect); go to sperm bank; or give up on having kids.
No one needs to be judged for making that choice for themselves.

@crumblingschools - incidentally OP thinks H would be a good father.

Who here has an ability to judge if it’s better to have a good co-parenting father or to have a sperm bank father?

My kids are ‘shunted between homes’.

I wasn’t ecstatically happy with my exH before having them.

By your standards I should not have had my kids.
If only I was told that there is only one right way to live…

MintJulia · 18/12/2023 01:20

My ex changed when ds was born, became controlling & weird, and in the end I left because it was unbearable.

My ds brings me endless joy and he is happy & well balanced, but having a child couldn't save our relationship.

Think carefully about whether you want to be a single mum. I've enjoyed it but many don't. I don't think knowingly bringing a child into a doomed relationship is kind either.

nmchg · 18/12/2023 01:26

@jsku it sounds massively like you're projecting your own insecurities onto this thread. There are plenty comments clearly saying it's different if you have kids and then realise the relationship isn't solid enough to last the course. But to choose to bring a child into a rocky foundation knowing it will be their template for how a relationship looks? That is very different. If you still aren't seeing why it's impactful lifelong to a child I'd strongly encourage you have a look at attachment theory- particularly insecure attachment. To intentionally put any person into that is quite frankly horrific.
Nobody is telling you that you shouldn't have your children etc, not even close.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 18/12/2023 01:42

@Henriettana

No, I wouldn't have children with him & resign myself to being unhappy in my relationship.

id get out & opt for being a single parent with a sperm donor (if I felt I didn't have time to start over with a partner) rather than being tied to a man for life through my child & having my life limited by not being able to live where I wanted, make better decisions for my child & co parenting.

littleannennt · 18/12/2023 01:48

As a child who lived with unhappy parents please don't.
Unhappy parents raise unhappy children in my experience.

If you really want children you will find a way.
Do you think the apathy in your relationship is not fixable? If not, then I would advise you leave. Life should be an adventure not something to be endured (if at all possible)

jsku · 18/12/2023 01:57

@nmchg

This is not about projecting insecurities.

It is about life being infinitely more complex than having just one pattern of how relationships should work.

It irritates me that on MN women are so quick to judge other women and not let them make own choices.

It is not a horrific choice to have a child even if you are not fully sure about the future of your relationship. Or if you are not completely happy. It’s a personal choice each woman makes.

We accept and don’t judge choices about abortion. Same must apply to this choice.

OP did not describe a rocky relationship. She just said she wasn’t happy. We know nothing really about sources of that unhappiness. Equally we don’t know what her H is like - but she thinks he’d be a good father.

If they had a kid - the relationship can change into something different as they refocus on raising the kids.
Incidentally - this happened with me.
We worked well as team for many years.
And the eventual divorce happened
for reasons unrelated to why I was unhappy back before kids.

TheaBrandt · 18/12/2023 02:10

The pc answer is no don’t do it etc. However an old friend of mine married a boyfriend the relationship wasn’t great he wasn’t that nice we as her friends despaired as did her parents. It was basically a marriage of convenience.

He’s a very good earner she was never career focused she basically wanted a family. 20 years on she’s really happy. She has her lovely 3 kids. He funds everything generously. They basically live separate lives though are ostensibly together. She’s always been very self sufficient emotionally so I don’t think actually needs a relationship. I would bet my house he’s unfaithful but she genuinely doesn’t care. We’re all approaching 50 now and she is much happier than my friends who are utterly single and never had kids.

FrozenGhost · 18/12/2023 02:12

I think it depends on what you mean by unhappy. If you get on and he's a good person and a good partner, but it's just a bit meh and not much romance, I think that's fine.

If anything it's more sensible than what many women do, have children with an abusive, unstable or just plain hopeless man because they are "in love".

I'm in a relationship a bit like that and we have kids, I'm happy with my decision. Sometimes you don't get the romantic dream, and really, does anyone? After a few years, most people feel like we do. I love my life and I'm glad I didn't throw this chance away for an imaginary future dream man, who probably doesn't exist.

MariaLuna · 18/12/2023 02:16

I'm a single mum, though hard is much better than being in an abusive relationship, giving a template to my chidren for their future.

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 18/12/2023 02:16

But I have always wanted a family. If I leave him, I may never have one. If I have children, I would plan to stay with him so would likely be in a difficult marriage forever. But I think he would be a good dad and would love any kids we have

I think it would be really shitty and manipulative to have a child with him whilst not particularly liking him. It's unfair on any child to bring them into a less than happy family and it's really not ok to effectively use him as a sperm donor. You would basically be lying to him.

I understand the overbearing desire to have children but, having had them, I understand how difficult it would be if you didn't have a great marriage. I don't think kids have to have two parents and I don't think they have to have two parents that are together but I do think it's wrong to have them in unhappy relationships.