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Original poster

Does having children make you happy? Would you have them even if unhappy in your marriage?

125 replies

Henriettana · 17/12/2023 19:59

Does having children make you happy? If you've had them, do you think you're happier than if you didn't?

I am in a marriage which makes me unhappy. It's not abusive and he hasn't cheated. But I don't feel he values me or desires me, and I feel disappointed by the whole thing. I was hopeful at the start, but now I regret it and feel sad about it.

But I have always wanted a family. If I leave him, I may never have one. If I have children, I would plan to stay with him so would likely be in a difficult marriage forever. But I think he would be a good dad and would love any kids we have.

I'd be interested to hear what others would do - and what others have done?

OP posts:
category12 · 17/12/2023 20:56

Why don't you think you'd be able to have a family if you split up with him? How old are you?

Having children puts a lot of strain on relationships - I wouldn't recommend going ahead in a bad marriage. Plus it's not fair on the children.

Sunsetdreams9 · 17/12/2023 20:58

Children don’t make a relationship better trust me. Me and my partner are struggling due to the massive change it’s brought. I love my DC with all my heart and I’m so happy I’m a mum and no regrets, but it’s come at a price and trying to work through how to get our relationship back on track. It’s tough.

growingonmyass · 17/12/2023 21:01

No, they won't fix a crap marriage, they'll just put more strain on it.

SecondUsername4me · 17/12/2023 21:02

Would you honestly be comfortable having your children grow up with parents who weren't happy together? I don't think it's a great foundation for future adults.

HowAmYa · 17/12/2023 21:03

It would be incredibly selfish to bring a child into such an unhappy environment. Leave and rebuild if you have to. But this is a bad, bad idea.

Pelham678 · 17/12/2023 21:04

I adore my children and never regret having them. But they did keep me in an unhappy marriage. My fault obviously because I found it hard to leave and make a life for me and the kids. So I am now quite old and struggle to leave because I've lost my nerve. Think whether you could have a child on your own. May be better in the long run...

Bigdishlittledish · 17/12/2023 21:05

Absolutely do not bring children into an unhappy relationship.

QueSyrahSyrah · 17/12/2023 21:07

Having children and then the relationship failing is one thing. Deliberately bringing children into an already unhappy relationship is extraordinarily selfish.

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 21:08

OP you have no idea how child will turn out. Could be a dream, or severely disabled with you being their carer for the rest of your life. The latter has ended even rock solid marriages.

LifeExperience · 17/12/2023 21:11

If your relationship is already difficult having a child will most likely destroy it. Proceed with caution.

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 17/12/2023 21:14

Using a child to put an elastoplast over the cracks in your unhappy marriage is unwise and unkind.

5128gap · 17/12/2023 21:18

Honestly, it could go either way. You could find that having children brings you so much joy it fills the gap of a lacklustre relationship, and occupies you sufficiently you don't need much from a partner other than to provide practical and financial support. In this case, provided your partner is a decent person who you get on with, it might be ok.

On the other hand, you might find having children makes your life harder and more miserable. You may find childcare dull and monotonous, and if you don't have anything in your relationship to uplift you it will be much harder to tolerate.

Few people will say their lives aren't better for having children because they love them and to say otherwise seems wrong, but in truth many people find their lives get much harder, especially when their children are young.

Zanatdy · 17/12/2023 21:20

Absolutely don’t do it - you will be unhappy and stressed

user14699084785 · 17/12/2023 21:22

Good grief no! Don't do it OP.
DH and i had been together 14 years before we had kids, he is the absolute love of my life, and our kids are easygoing and great fun but they drove our relationship to near breaking point many times when they were small.
They’re young adults now and our relationship is fab, but despite of, not because of kids!

Sashya · 17/12/2023 21:28

@Henriettana
I was in your place. And I think the decision really depends on how much you want to have kids. For me - having a child was always something I knew I absolutely wanted. I was never really dreaming about meeting The One, or marriage. My parents divorced and dad wasn't around much. So maybe that had something to do with it.

I was mid-30s when I realised I had your choice. So leaving would have meant realistically I'd not have kids.

So - I had my kids. Not because I wanted them to fix my relationship or make me happy. Because having kids was what I wanted to do. And because it was better to have them with my H who was maybe not best H for me, but was going to make a good dad.

I do not regret it. Not for a moment.

MercanDede · 17/12/2023 21:30

Children can’t make you happy. You are more likely to become more unhappy if you have children with a man that makes you unhappy. The children are then likely to be unhappy too. You can’t fix unhappiness or a bad marriage by having children.

MammaTo · 17/12/2023 21:32

Babies shouldn’t be created to make you happy.

BarelyCoping123 · 17/12/2023 21:33

Having children definitely does not make you happy

roseopose · 17/12/2023 21:39

Having a child has brought me happiness but in my experience being a mother can also make you feel unappreciated, downtrodden and like you don't matter anymore as a person in your own right. If you're already in a relationship with a man who leaves you feeling undervalued and unseen, a child will definitely not help with that and is likely to make it worse.

artemis9 · 17/12/2023 21:47

I love my kids. I can't say they have made me happy. They have added a whole load of stress to my life if I'm honest, as I spend so much time and worry trying to make things right and good for them.

crispynight · 17/12/2023 21:48

They make you happy because you learn to appreciate the little things. Such as having the time and energy to clean your house. They are insanely hard work and will expose every crack.

DGPP · 17/12/2023 21:51

I would rather have children in a less than good marriage than not have children at all. That’s just the truth.

SnaillikeCantaloupe · 17/12/2023 21:54

I absolutely love having a child but my partner is my 100% ride or die partner. He totally has my back and we parent 50/50. I was in a previous unhappy relationship for 16 years before I left and I thank my lucky stars every day I didn’t have children with him. He wasn’t abusive, he didn’t cheat, we just didn’t have that supportive, trusting partnership that makes parenting enjoyable.

Once you have kids you’ll realise you want to model the kind of life you want for them, and it gets harder to settle for a meh life (speaking from the experience of watching some friends go through this). But, once you’re in that boat, your ‘should I stay or go’ decision is complicated by the little person / people who depend on you for security and stability.

PureAmazonian · 17/12/2023 21:55

My dd makes me extremely happy, honestly I don't know I could feel this complete, but it took a good 6 months to feel this way. Before that PND hit me like a freight train, if it wasn't for a very strong marriage who knows what would've happened to me.
Becoming a parent is a huge shock, and if you're unlucky like I was it can take you to a very low point. Parenting is absolutely the hardest thing for a relationship to go through, if it isn't rock solid it will fail.

nmchg · 17/12/2023 22:05

DGPP · 17/12/2023 21:51

I would rather have children in a less than good marriage than not have children at all. That’s just the truth.

You would rather put children in an unhappy situation than not? That doesn't seem as well thought through as you may think. Children deserve so much more than this and they can not exist to satisfy selfish wants, however much we might wish they could.