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Used for sex, should I send him a nasty message or just forget him.

141 replies

Usedanddumped · 17/12/2023 17:00

It's just dawned on me these last few days that I have been used for sex. I was seeing a guy for a month and he was a total charmer, buying me gifts , talking about the next few months etc , we had sex a couple of times , it was good, lots of chemistry, but after the last time, he has slowly but surely disappeared within a week.
I am so annoyed as I had mentioned to him that this had happened to me before and he said he would never do anything like that. I feel like such an idiot and I really liked him as well..
I can't believe he faked the whole thing to get his leg over basically.
Should I send him a really nasty message , like, thanks for being so blatant and using me for sex etc or should I just take it on the chin, delete his number and move on?
I'm actually angry and feel like punishing him somehow, I think sending him a message like that telling him I know what he's done, would make me feel better.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Jellyx · 18/12/2023 04:36

Usedanddumped · 17/12/2023 17:11

@Blinkityblonk yes I'm also of the opinion that I don't need to wait for commitment to have sex, if I feel I have chemistry and want to do it with someone then I will. I slept with a guy before on the second date and we were together for 2 years.
I'm just finding it annoying and a little bit coincidental that after the second time we had sex that he started to do the slow fade.

I don't think you can have it both ways. You can't say you're happy to have sex before a commitment - so casual sex then, and then complain when it's casual sex!

Jellyx · 18/12/2023 04:47

@rorret
I can comment on the lack of self respect too. The fact you call it 'shag' is a bit gross.
You share your body with strangers and don't seem to think there are consequences to this. It shows a lack of self discipline and no respect for your body.

You're exposing yourself to all sorts of risks - emotional (feeling used..) and physical (STIs, unwanted pregnancy). Or, really, any bad thing as you don't know the person you're choosing to share your body with.

Your body is one of the only things you have and you'll have some stranger inside of it ..because you enjoy the act or attention. So..yeah..no self respect.

Jellyx · 18/12/2023 04:47

Women sleep with who they want and men sleep with who they can.

Jellyx · 18/12/2023 04:50

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 21:34

I’m actually quite bothered by the posts from all the naive, out-of-date posters on here who seem to believe men have all the power in relationships when it comes to sex.

All this hideous use of ‘have his way with you’ and ‘give yourself up to him’ and worst of all (for being degrading and reducing a woman to something silly) ‘before you pulled down your knickers’…

Fuck sake. Women have agency. Women like sex. Some men are bastards.

We don’t need to be peeking out from behind fans for 14 years before a man is trustworthy enough to get a glimpse of our dainty little ankles. faints.

Yes- some men are bastards. And that's exactly why women shouldn't just jump into bed with them.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 18/12/2023 05:12

whimsicalmoon · 17/12/2023 18:26

Some of the replies are a bit harsh. It's really unkind to slow fade someone. He could at least have been upfront and said he doesn't see it working out. It's really crushing to be on the receiving end of this behaviour, wondering whether it's something you did or said, or whether they're just busy, or what.

Aren't they just?? Good old victim blaming, mn style. 🙄

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2023 05:20

Sashya · 17/12/2023 17:24

OP - you can't have it both ways. You can't just have sex with someone without commitment (or at least knowing them a bit better), just because you feel like it in the moment. But then get offended when he is doing the same.
Just because you feel chemistry and want to continue dating - he does not owe you to feel the same.

He sounded like he was behaving respectfully - gifts, complements. Then it didn't work out. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe the intimacy didn't work for him. Who knows. Point is - this is how it works in early dating.

You had sex twice. He then didn't want to proceed. End of story.

Exactly. I’ve been with dh an awfully long time. However when I dated in the way back when things just fizzled out sometimes. It happens.

Undineimmor · 18/12/2023 05:39

Leave it
Did you enjoy the sex?
Unfortunately there are no guarantees in
life.
I am sorry you got hurt.
Go more slowly with the next
You did both ng wrong, dating can be harsh and hurtful.

Tacotortoise · 18/12/2023 06:41

Frasers · 17/12/2023 19:40

I doubt he used you for sex. Not every relationship lasts, so he dated you for a month, slept together a couple of times, realised he didn’t want to continue, that’s fine. Doesn’t mean he was just lying to get laid. There are easier ways,

Yes and no. I think it's polite to say "thanks but I don't see this working out" rather than just evaporating like the morning mist. No wonder the OP feels used.

AgentJohnson · 18/12/2023 06:49

Did he use you, nah it was consensual sex. It does appear that you were up for hearing any old flannel from a guy you’ve known for a very short period. Sex doesn’t equal commitment, maybe you weren’t sexually compatible, maybe he did it twice and realised it wasn’t going to work. He should have been upfront rather than slow fading you.

The trick is not invest too heavily in strangers and not to believe everything that a date says.

rorret · 18/12/2023 07:57

Jellyx · 18/12/2023 04:47

@rorret
I can comment on the lack of self respect too. The fact you call it 'shag' is a bit gross.
You share your body with strangers and don't seem to think there are consequences to this. It shows a lack of self discipline and no respect for your body.

You're exposing yourself to all sorts of risks - emotional (feeling used..) and physical (STIs, unwanted pregnancy). Or, really, any bad thing as you don't know the person you're choosing to share your body with.

Your body is one of the only things you have and you'll have some stranger inside of it ..because you enjoy the act or attention. So..yeah..no self respect.

what is gross about the word shag? Would fuck be better?

I like sex, why is that news? Of course sex is meant to be enjoyable, isn't it? Aren't women supposed to like sex?

I have never felt used after sex, because I like sex, and I don't do things I don't want to do.

STI's - I always used a condom

Pregnancy - I'm in my 50's that's not a risk.

What sort of bad thing are you thinking of? Rape? I was raped in a long term relationship. I have never been raped when I was having sex with people I was dating.

crispynight · 18/12/2023 08:26

Easily done. I would disappear into the distance. Wait for him to call/text you and don't reply. You'd get a bit of your power back like that.

SamW98 · 18/12/2023 10:25

Not sure if I’m missing something but I can’t see how you’ve been used.
You were two consenting adults who had sex a couple of times and it isn’t going any further.

Yes he should have said he wasn’t feeling it rather than fade but other than that I can’t see what the problem is.

If you send him a nasty message , you will make yourself look vindictive so just write it off and move on.

fedupwithbeinghot · 18/12/2023 11:21

He realised after a month that he was not so much into you, but I can't see how he used you. Were you coerced into having sex?

Shodan · 18/12/2023 11:40

As far as I can see the only thing he's done wrong is to ghost you, which is a shitty thing to do to anyone and points to his poor character.

You weren't used for sex as you did it willingly. You might have a touch of hurt pride -who wouldn't- but he no more used you for sex than you did him.

Don't send any kind of message- just move on and thank your lucky stars that you swerved a relationship with a man who was weak and cowardly.

SoySaucePls · 18/12/2023 11:56

Jellyx · 18/12/2023 04:47

@rorret
I can comment on the lack of self respect too. The fact you call it 'shag' is a bit gross.
You share your body with strangers and don't seem to think there are consequences to this. It shows a lack of self discipline and no respect for your body.

You're exposing yourself to all sorts of risks - emotional (feeling used..) and physical (STIs, unwanted pregnancy). Or, really, any bad thing as you don't know the person you're choosing to share your body with.

Your body is one of the only things you have and you'll have some stranger inside of it ..because you enjoy the act or attention. So..yeah..no self respect.

Men, who control all the media, all the magazines, all the porn sites, created birth control pill - they have been selling us the idea that easy sex is normal, fun, avant garde, that we are missing out if we’re not jumping the next man that passes.

Deluded women then jump on board, lower down like at Cosmo and no doubt a plethora of other platforms online these days telling us how great sex is in general.

There are very very few resources by comparison run by women for women who will tell you that yes your body is sacred. It doesn’t and shouldn’t be given to anyone. For most women, when they open their legs, they open their hearts at the same time. Not always but it’s very common. You are also opening yourself up to diseases and guess what? Men are often asymptomatic carriers of a ton of stuff, but we get all the symptoms… so again we struggle while they just keep banging away.

Once I understood this and decided to wait as long as it felt right to wait, I met my husband. I also went teetotal, because alcohol blurs your judgment and your ability to have boundaries.

Make the next one wait OP. More than one month. Stop giving your heart and body away when it upsets you so much.

A man who is genuinely interested will hang around for as long as it takes because he likes spending time with you. Not for the sex. That’s the icing on the cake. Don’t give them everything immediately… they need to know you respect yourself too.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 12:16

SoySaucePls · 18/12/2023 11:56

Men, who control all the media, all the magazines, all the porn sites, created birth control pill - they have been selling us the idea that easy sex is normal, fun, avant garde, that we are missing out if we’re not jumping the next man that passes.

Deluded women then jump on board, lower down like at Cosmo and no doubt a plethora of other platforms online these days telling us how great sex is in general.

There are very very few resources by comparison run by women for women who will tell you that yes your body is sacred. It doesn’t and shouldn’t be given to anyone. For most women, when they open their legs, they open their hearts at the same time. Not always but it’s very common. You are also opening yourself up to diseases and guess what? Men are often asymptomatic carriers of a ton of stuff, but we get all the symptoms… so again we struggle while they just keep banging away.

Once I understood this and decided to wait as long as it felt right to wait, I met my husband. I also went teetotal, because alcohol blurs your judgment and your ability to have boundaries.

Make the next one wait OP. More than one month. Stop giving your heart and body away when it upsets you so much.

A man who is genuinely interested will hang around for as long as it takes because he likes spending time with you. Not for the sex. That’s the icing on the cake. Don’t give them everything immediately… they need to know you respect yourself too.

A strategic player will wait the month and more.

He'll be entertaining other prospects at the same time, as always, so it's no skin off his nose.

Waiting is no guarantee they still won't dump or fade when they get sex and no guarantee that they'll decide they're not feeling it and don't want to commit after a while.

There are plenty of women in marriages and ltrs who had sex with those men immediately or quickly.
My sister was married to a man for 20 plus years - they fell into bed on their first proper date.

It depends on the intentions and character of the man, and how things pan out.

(It also depends on the woman's character. I've known a few players who got gradually sucked into a relationship with a woman who they thought they were just messing with/shagging initially - over time. And because she was perhaps also rather harem scarum, indifferent and not focussed on commitment. And because they turned out to be compatible.

The player/Messer/commitment phobe isn't going to commit whether the sex started one month or two weeks or three months in.

It's not as simple as this.

In terms of sex early/at all; I agree most women are much more vulnerable to oxytocin than men. This means a higher risk of pain of it doesn't work out the way they want it to.
They are also more at risk in an unwanted pregnancy situation. A termination or a child for life are both things the man won't have to face. He can get away with CM or minimal co-parenting.
Likewise stds often affect women more than men due to anatomy.

All these are reasons to be circumspect. But not some quasi religious, sexist, objectifying theory that make women the gate keepers of sex, that make sex something women give to men or hold back from men etc.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 12:20

Oh and one massive downside of waiting to have sex for a while - I used to do three months or more - is that you're invested and attached by the time you realise they are shit in bed, and don't know or care what to do with a clitoris.
I've wasted time in relationships due to this - if if found out early, maybe I'd have gotten out then and there.

StarDolphins · 18/12/2023 12:26

I would just move on.

I’m a total slow burner re sex & if they don’t want to get to know me first then that’s fine. I make it clear at the start. All of them have waited & have led to long relationships. None are OLD though so my approach might be out of date!

BodyKeepingScore · 18/12/2023 12:29

Maybe he realised after you'd been intimate that the chemistry isn't there for him? That isn't a crime. Walk away and just accept that it wasn't the one for you. Or him.

Startingagainandagain · 18/12/2023 13:00

@Usedanddumped

''yes I'm also of the opinion that I don't need to wait for commitment to have sex, if I feel I have chemistry and want to do it with someone then I will. I slept with a guy before on the second date and we were together for 2 years.
I'm just finding it annoying and a little bit coincidental that after the second time we had sex that he started to do the slow fade.''

But surely you can accept that you decided to have sex with this guy because you wanted to, which is perfectly fine, but also before you had a chance to know him well/work out whether he was just love-bombing you to get what he wanted and before you had any real sign of commitment.

You always have to accept that in this scenario that the guy might just be the type who puts on the charm (this is so common with online dating...) for a couple of dates to get you interested and then always planned to move on after you had sex with him.

No point in sending him nasty messages.

After all you were both adults and you had consensual sex. This will no always lead to more.

soonbespringagain · 18/12/2023 13:05

I don't mean this in a goady way at all but if you don't feel you need commitment before sex, isn't that you both using each other?

Genuine question!

SheIsStuck23 · 18/12/2023 13:10

You don’t equate sex with commitment, and nor does he.

He didn’t feel there was a strong chemistry or attachment but that doesn’t mean he used you for sex.

Just leave it be.

Cas112 · 18/12/2023 13:38

Maybe he didn't think you was compatible in bed

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/12/2023 13:50

I’m actually quite bothered by the posts from all the naive, out-of-date posters on here who seem to believe men have all the power in relationships when it comes to sex

I thought dating was the one area of feminism where men still hold the power and women haven’t achieved equality.

Ladolcevita233 · 18/12/2023 13:56

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/12/2023 13:50

I’m actually quite bothered by the posts from all the naive, out-of-date posters on here who seem to believe men have all the power in relationships when it comes to sex

I thought dating was the one area of feminism where men still hold the power and women haven’t achieved equality.

I'd say the opposite.

That's partly why the incel and red pill movements have developed.

They don't like the relationship/non relationship options that financial freedom gives women.

They're no longer guaranteed their 50s virgin house wife who could only get a job in the secretarial pool or other extremely limited & usually not lucrative jobs, and needs to marry and stay married for any comfort and security.