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Original poster

Used for sex, should I send him a nasty message or just forget him.

141 replies

Usedanddumped · 17/12/2023 17:00

It's just dawned on me these last few days that I have been used for sex. I was seeing a guy for a month and he was a total charmer, buying me gifts , talking about the next few months etc , we had sex a couple of times , it was good, lots of chemistry, but after the last time, he has slowly but surely disappeared within a week.
I am so annoyed as I had mentioned to him that this had happened to me before and he said he would never do anything like that. I feel like such an idiot and I really liked him as well..
I can't believe he faked the whole thing to get his leg over basically.
Should I send him a really nasty message , like, thanks for being so blatant and using me for sex etc or should I just take it on the chin, delete his number and move on?
I'm actually angry and feel like punishing him somehow, I think sending him a message like that telling him I know what he's done, would make me feel better.
What do you think?

OP posts:
YouStupidGirl · 17/12/2023 18:34

Don’t do anything. It’ll hurt for a bit and then you’ll be fine and glad you didn’t contact him.

He’s probably just too cowardly to tell you he doesn’t want to meet up again, and who wants to date a coward?

FrancisSeaton · 17/12/2023 18:41

Pugdays · 17/12/2023 17:15

Do men not like the thrill of the chase any more ...
I don't know ,I've only slept with my husband and I made him wait until we were engaged.
All my friends at uni were sleeping about , having a great time ,I just knew that wasn't for me ,I d feel used if I did that .
Like I say to my daughter,it's about having standards for yourself.respecting yourself.
You can't know someone after a month ,maybe next wait longer ,and if they won't wait untill your ready ,then they were always going to end things after they slept with u

The 1920s called they want their copy of how to be a blushing bride back

Outliers · 17/12/2023 18:53

You enjoyed and participated in sex too - so weren't used.

Ghosted perhaps, which isn't much nicer

Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 19:06

Do not waste time on looking backwards. You had some enjoyable time with him, but he is clearly not a reliable man. Do not spend further effort on him. Move on.

K8ate · 17/12/2023 19:22

I’m sorry this happened to you (or any of us).
He may have just wanted sex but it’s also possible that he has simply changed his mind and backed off before (he felt) things became serious.
I’m afraid this isn’t related to gender and both men and women sometimes do back away after having had sex, so try not to let it tarnish your opinion of future relationships in general.

LauderSyme · 17/12/2023 19:38

I agree that you were not 'used for sex' but I can understand why you feel used, if you think he was dishonest about his intentions.

Don't send him any message. Unfortunately he is not invested enough in you for it to be the punishment you seek to inflict. Move gracefully on.

Frasers · 17/12/2023 19:40

I doubt he used you for sex. Not every relationship lasts, so he dated you for a month, slept together a couple of times, realised he didn’t want to continue, that’s fine. Doesn’t mean he was just lying to get laid. There are easier ways,

ChateauDuMont · 17/12/2023 19:47

Unfortunately many men want to have sex with women and will say anything and buy gifts in the pursuit of having sex.

When a woman obliges so quickly (you've only known him a month) then he will have his way and move on sharpish.

There is no need to write him a nasty message as you gave yourself up to him freely and the thoughts you are now having about him not being serious are the ones you should have been thinking before you pulled down your knickers.

The only message should be you writing to yourself to say that meeting someone with a view to having a real relationship you must get to know them properly before becoming intimate with them.

If you want one night stands or casual sex then of course that's entirely different but it appears that you were looking to have a relationship.

swuahies · 17/12/2023 19:48

I don't think if you send him the type of message you initially mentioned him would have the effect of "punishing him". Best case, I doubt he'd care, worst case he'd be thinking it was a lucky escape. It would also give him the satisfaction of knowing how into him you were.

If it's def over and you have not intentions of seeing him again after his attempt at a slow fade, and are annoyed at how he's treated you, my only suggestion would be to message him and say it's not working for you anymore and wish him well.
If you really wanted to "punish" him, you could say you don't think you are sexually compatible as you weren't really feeling it

itsmyp4rty · 17/12/2023 19:53

I think he love bombed you into sex with the gifts and telling you he would never do what he then went on to do. He told you everything you wanted to hear so you thought he was great, then once he got you into bed he started to slow fade back out your life. I agree with you that he used you for sex.

I'd reject the coward back - message him saying it was nice to spend some time with him but you've met someone you click with much better so you won't be in contact again but wish him a happy future.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 17/12/2023 19:56

I think send him a text, get it off your chest, you've got nothing to lose.

Opentooffers · 17/12/2023 19:58

Maybe look at it differently. In the moment, we're you only thinking that you'd have the sex as long as a relationship would come from it? Men don't connect the 2 generally, and in the moment, being honest, neither of you were probably thinking anything much, other than you wanted to get your rocks off with someone you desired at the time due to the chemistry.
So hopefully, you got fun and enjoyment in the moment too, and you know that sex does not mean relationship - this is key to understand.
He possibly lied about wanting a relationship, the only chance you have to suss the liars from the genuine ones, is to take longer to assess them. Sure you can have sex when and with whom you want, but until you've taken time to know them, you can't sort out the liars.
I'll also say that some men can keep up the lies for a good while, or haven't even recognised they are not ready. It's a minefield, but that's the risk you take, especially with OLD.

Blogswife · 17/12/2023 20:01

You both chose to have sex - he hasn’t used you any more than you have used him . As you’ve only been seeing each other a short time maybe he’s just decided you’re just not for him
Obviously you’re disappointed but keep some dignity and refrain from sending nasty messages . It’s not going to make him come back & only make him realise that he was right to move on

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/12/2023 20:01

FrancisSeaton · 17/12/2023 18:41

The 1920s called they want their copy of how to be a blushing bride back

Show quote history

Is it?

Im like this. Its nothing to do with morals or being old fashioned. Its about feeling safe. I slept with a couple of blokes casually. I felt crap.

People are different and feel differently. I was a wild party young person, loads of drugs, but couldn’t do sleeping around. But it’s viewed as abnormal.

rorret · 17/12/2023 20:11

Pugdays · 17/12/2023 17:15

Do men not like the thrill of the chase any more ...
I don't know ,I've only slept with my husband and I made him wait until we were engaged.
All my friends at uni were sleeping about , having a great time ,I just knew that wasn't for me ,I d feel used if I did that .
Like I say to my daughter,it's about having standards for yourself.respecting yourself.
You can't know someone after a month ,maybe next wait longer ,and if they won't wait untill your ready ,then they were always going to end things after they slept with u

@Pugdays can you explain to me how I'm not respecting myself and not having standards if I shag someone I want to shag? How does that equate to lack of self respect or not having a standard?

TedMullins · 17/12/2023 20:13

Pugdays · 17/12/2023 17:15

Do men not like the thrill of the chase any more ...
I don't know ,I've only slept with my husband and I made him wait until we were engaged.
All my friends at uni were sleeping about , having a great time ,I just knew that wasn't for me ,I d feel used if I did that .
Like I say to my daughter,it's about having standards for yourself.respecting yourself.
You can't know someone after a month ,maybe next wait longer ,and if they won't wait untill your ready ,then they were always going to end things after they slept with u

Fair enough if casual sex isn’t for you but can we please stop with this “being used” narrative and “if you want commitment you should wait” and any variations on that theme. It’s sexist. It implies women can’t possibly just enjoy sex for what it is and that they’re not an equal participant, and if they do just want a shag or do it soon after meeting someone, then they’re not respectable. Which is complete double standards because sex takes two people but apparently a man having sex on date 1 doesn’t affect his respectability.

OP this guy should have the decency to tell you if he isn’t feeling things anymore but I don’t see how he’s used you - you wanted to have sex presumably and enthusiastically consented to it? Did he outright lie and say “yes I want this to become a full blown relationship” or is it just that his feelings don’t match yours? It’s early days, he is allowed to change his mind and perhaps he did like you but it’s fizzled out. I agree just fading/ghosting is shitty but he really won’t care if you send him that text, just chalk it up to experience and move on

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 20:18

If you send him a message he will just laugh and it will solidify to him that he's made the right decision

Yes he "should" be honest with you but you're literally weeks into this, it's not that deep. He's allowed to feel like there's no spark or maybe you two weren't compatible.

Talking about his penis is petty being small, maybe he didn't like your vagina?

Fredablogs · 17/12/2023 20:19

TedMullins · 17/12/2023 20:13

Fair enough if casual sex isn’t for you but can we please stop with this “being used” narrative and “if you want commitment you should wait” and any variations on that theme. It’s sexist. It implies women can’t possibly just enjoy sex for what it is and that they’re not an equal participant, and if they do just want a shag or do it soon after meeting someone, then they’re not respectable. Which is complete double standards because sex takes two people but apparently a man having sex on date 1 doesn’t affect his respectability.

OP this guy should have the decency to tell you if he isn’t feeling things anymore but I don’t see how he’s used you - you wanted to have sex presumably and enthusiastically consented to it? Did he outright lie and say “yes I want this to become a full blown relationship” or is it just that his feelings don’t match yours? It’s early days, he is allowed to change his mind and perhaps he did like you but it’s fizzled out. I agree just fading/ghosting is shitty but he really won’t care if you send him that text, just chalk it up to experience and move on

Show quote history

Yh so men and women are not the same..

OP there are many, many men like this, take it as a lesson that some men enjoy the chase but when they got what they want they lose interest, go into it with your eyes open

Diamonde · 17/12/2023 20:42

@Pugdays can you explain to me how I'm not respecting myself and not having standards if I shag someone I want to shag? How does that equate to lack of self respect or not having a standard?

Some people thinks it indicates a lack of selectivity. If you sleep with one man the first time, you must do this a lot. And possibly be talked into doing things maybe? I don't agree with this, if you like someone and have the urge to shag, why not?

rorret · 17/12/2023 20:46

Diamonde · 17/12/2023 20:42

@Pugdays can you explain to me how I'm not respecting myself and not having standards if I shag someone I want to shag? How does that equate to lack of self respect or not having a standard?

Some people thinks it indicates a lack of selectivity. If you sleep with one man the first time, you must do this a lot. And possibly be talked into doing things maybe? I don't agree with this, if you like someone and have the urge to shag, why not?

I don't do it a lot.

But even at that, how does it indicate a lack of selectivity if I sleep with someone I fancy on the first date? (To be clear, I don't make a habit of it - because I don't fancy a lot of men!). It just means I wanted to have sex with that person and I did. What does it have to do with anything other than that? No one puts any kind of judgment on men who do it so why put it on women who do?

No one, ever, would talk me into doing anything I didn't want to do.

It's only sex - I don't get the moralising over it?

Indifferentchickenwings · 17/12/2023 20:47

I don’t he’s used you for sex ? Just maybe he’s not feeling it
which is hurtful , very

but this is sadly dating
and I’ve gone off people too and not felt it
and maybe I hurt them

i would also do nothing
delete and move on x

dating is hurtful when this happens

SwordToFlamethrower · 17/12/2023 20:50

Change the narrative!

You used him for sex.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 17/12/2023 21:12

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 17/12/2023 19:56

I think send him a text, get it off your chest, you've got nothing to lose.

Just a caveat to this. I wouldn't send him a nasty text. Shirty perhaps, let him know how annoyed you are and then let it be. If you are overly nasty you might regret it.

Frasers · 17/12/2023 21:15

I don’t get these answers or the ops thoughts at all.

it’s totally normal to start dating someone, it progresses to sex, and one or other thinks they don’t want to go any further.

it doesn’t mean it was some odd play to get laid. Not for a month, Jesus if he just wants to get laid.there are easier ways,

they dated, it didn’t work end of

Frasers · 17/12/2023 21:16

Indifferentchickenwings · 17/12/2023 20:47

I don’t he’s used you for sex ? Just maybe he’s not feeling it
which is hurtful , very

but this is sadly dating
and I’ve gone off people too and not felt it
and maybe I hurt them

i would also do nothing
delete and move on x

dating is hurtful when this happens

Exactly, he’s just not feeling it any more. It’s totally normal for both men and women.

soem of these answers are like the dark ages.

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