I called him cu** & he called me bi***

[Soulsta]

Abit of a long post, please bear with me as need to provide context.

Husband and I often have arguments (a couple of times a week), but recover shortly after and move on. He's more stubborn in backing off from arguments and engages in tit for tat. I'm more stubborn in holding onto the bitterness, after the arguments.

One of our re-occurring arguments have been 'his friends' coming to stay on the weekends. I look forward to my weekends after a busy week and just want to chill at home, without any guests. They generally good lads, and I accommodate where I can and feel I'm quite fair with having them stay once or twice every couple of months. Anything more is too much for me.

Last weekend, 2 of his male friends stayed. I accommodated, played the nice wife etc. Today he dropped on me that one of his other friends (who didn't visit last weekend) is going to come stay over this weekend as hes coming to an event late evening and needs to crash Sat night, and that he hasn't caught up with him for some time. My defence went straight up I said "uh no hes not" to which he replied " uh yes we discussed this in the week"? BIG LIE, I know 110% we didnt discuss (which he admitted later in argurment), I got angry over the fact that he tried to gaslight me. Escalated turned into a heated argument, me shouting and crying feeling frustrated over the same bullshit again. I called him c and he called me dumb b*. I started shouting louder, he put his hands around my neck in attempt to make me stop, and then I slapped him. Which instantly made him realise that he was wrong to put his hands around my neck.

We had another fight few weeks ago, where we called each other the above. And it took me days to get over that fight. We both agreed we haven't fought like this in a long time (6months), and made promise to never call each other those things.

We've had counselling in the past not sure if it even helped. I feel like we bring the worst out of each other in heated arguments. Most of the time we are good, love spending time together, watching movies, hobbies etc. But when these heated arguments happen it's like taking bricks out of our marriage foundation. And I have impulsive thoughts to leave, when I feel our values are too different. But then I fear that I'll regret decision. I fell like we love each other, but don't respect one another. If that's even possible?

I just don't know where to go with this. We've been trying for a baby and dr said not to take any stress as my cycles are irregular. I told husband this and he promised no more fights. And now thinking is this what I want my baby to witness?

I feel exhausted and defeated, and confused is this a "normal" real relationship ? Is it ever possible to reverse the toxicity in a marriage, like ours ?

Thank you for spending time to read this.

this will inevitably be a thoroughly shit family environment a child OP so whatever you decide about your marriage - don’t procreate with him

Oh god don’t bring a child into this nightmare. He or she will never forgive you.

Don’t try for a baby with a man you’re fighting with several times a week that have now descended into violence, this is not a normal relationship.

The argument for physical but the focus is the names you called eachother.

The marriage is toxic. You absolutely shouldn’t be bringing a baby in this circumstances.

You shouldn’t even be together. Him putting his hands around your neck is horrific

You cannot bring a baby into this situation. He put his hands around your neck to shut you up...there is absolutely NO excuse for this.
What if he hadn't let go? What if he got carried away? What if he does it again the next time and doesn't let go?

Regardless of the reasons for the arguments, the second this became physical, it became a dangerous relationship.

If you don't leave now, I can guarantee you'll look back and wish you had.

Do not bring a baby into this relationship.

I don’t think this is normal and I think at the very least you need to resolve things and get to a more mutually respectful relationship before you consider bringing a baby into it. I don’t think either of you has behaved ideally but him putting his hands around your throat is a red flag for me and I think needs to be seen as such by both of you before you can move on. It makes me think you should leave for your own safety but ultimately that’s a decision only you can make.

please take good care and stay safe.

you cannot bring a child Into that environment . you are both appalling . split up for goodness sake and get a normal healthy relationship instead

If you look at the argument you had, you have a joint (?) home which you do not get to enjoy because he constantly invites people over to stay. You don't get to have a say in your own home. He doesn't respect or care about your opinion and clearly sees his wants/needs as more important.

The fact that you argue weekly shows that you cannot get along peacefully. If you can't agree on basic things like how to live together, how will you ever be able to agree on how to raise a person? This person will forever be shaped by their childhood. Is your current situation the environment you want to use to shape a person?

Not if he kills her, first.

You’re both as bad as each other. Do not have a baby together. You need to leave and find someone else

You’d be beyond selfish to plough ahead with ttc and bringing a baby into this shitshow.
Putting his hands around your throat is one of the biggest red flags there is that this will escalate and could end in serious injury or even your death. He didn’t do that to ‘stop you’, he did it because he was angry and wanted to hurt you and chose to go straight to limiting your air supply. Think about that.
You need to get yourself out of this relationship. It’s abusive and toxic.

Of course you’re trying for a baby, totally great environment to bring a tiny human into.

He.put.his.hands.around.your.neck.
End.of.

It's worrying that you put the name calling before the physical assault. Get out.

If you're averaging two a week, then you've had more arguments in the last month @Soulsta than I've had in the last 17 years with DP.

Even ignoring the fact that its escalating to violence, why on earth would you want to live your life like this?

how depressing

the entire posting history for this OP is on the TTC boards.

And your actually trying for a baby.. madness.

Don't bring baby to this toxic marriage. You think it's bad now, it will be thousand times worse when you are sleep starved with a newborn and a husband like this. I would divorce my DH if he ever put his hands around my throat. It's just unacceptable.

If you've already had counselling, are arguing this frequently, he is actively gaslighting you, you are showing each other contempt through this name calling and now it's descended into domestic violence, then this relationship is toxic as fuck.

I know you want a baby, but you'll be making a huge mistake. What happens when he wants the baby to shut up OP? Will he put his hands around their neck? Give them a good shake?

This isn't normal, you are in a very toxic relationship. It must be exhausting.

Bringing a baby into this complete and utter SHIT SHOW of a relationship is just about the most horrific, selfish thing I have ever, ever heard of.

Get away from this man before he kills you and get therapy. As soon as humanly possible.

it would be the most selfish thing in the world to have a baby under these circumstances, why would you even want to?

You're not even happy as a couple, you DEFINITELY won't be happy as a family, and if he resorts to putting his hands around your neck to shut you up then he is a danger to a child.

Your relationship is as toxic as fuck and you shouldn’t be within a million miles of each other let alone trying to bring a child into this shitshow.