I called him cu** & he called me bi***

[Soulsta]

Abit of a long post, please bear with me as need to provide context.

Husband and I often have arguments (a couple of times a week), but recover shortly after and move on. He's more stubborn in backing off from arguments and engages in tit for tat. I'm more stubborn in holding onto the bitterness, after the arguments.

One of our re-occurring arguments have been 'his friends' coming to stay on the weekends. I look forward to my weekends after a busy week and just want to chill at home, without any guests. They generally good lads, and I accommodate where I can and feel I'm quite fair with having them stay once or twice every couple of months. Anything more is too much for me.

Last weekend, 2 of his male friends stayed. I accommodated, played the nice wife etc. Today he dropped on me that one of his other friends (who didn't visit last weekend) is going to come stay over this weekend as hes coming to an event late evening and needs to crash Sat night, and that he hasn't caught up with him for some time. My defence went straight up I said "uh no hes not" to which he replied " uh yes we discussed this in the week"? BIG LIE, I know 110% we didnt discuss (which he admitted later in argurment), I got angry over the fact that he tried to gaslight me. Escalated turned into a heated argument, me shouting and crying feeling frustrated over the same bullshit again. I called him c and he called me dumb b*. I started shouting louder, he put his hands around my neck in attempt to make me stop, and then I slapped him. Which instantly made him realise that he was wrong to put his hands around my neck.

We had another fight few weeks ago, where we called each other the above. And it took me days to get over that fight. We both agreed we haven't fought like this in a long time (6months), and made promise to never call each other those things.

We've had counselling in the past not sure if it even helped. I feel like we bring the worst out of each other in heated arguments. Most of the time we are good, love spending time together, watching movies, hobbies etc. But when these heated arguments happen it's like taking bricks out of our marriage foundation. And I have impulsive thoughts to leave, when I feel our values are too different. But then I fear that I'll regret decision. I fell like we love each other, but don't respect one another. If that's even possible?

I just don't know where to go with this. We've been trying for a baby and dr said not to take any stress as my cycles are irregular. I told husband this and he promised no more fights. And now thinking is this what I want my baby to witness?

I feel exhausted and defeated, and confused is this a "normal" real relationship ? Is it ever possible to reverse the toxicity in a marriage, like ours ?

Thank you for spending time to read this.

Not sure what kind of clarity there could be after physical violence in a relationship tbh. Besides - 'I need to get the fuck out of here'. That's what clarity looks like.

Anything else is just resuming lying to yourself again. Which people in abusive environments do all too often unfortunately.

It's sad. Rather than becoming who we are meant to be and finding partners who love and support us on our journey (and vice versa) so many people settle for shit partners and start popping out kids. And the horrible cycle continues. Children aren't endgame. Being a whole, realised, content person with good people in our lives is. You don't sacrifice thar for anything. Otherwise you'll be miserable and any children would repeat this cycle of misery.

but that most certainly does not (tragically) mean she’d “said she’s going to stop trying for a baby with him”

That would indicate she no longer was planning children with him rather than what she actually said, which was “until i have clarity”

and given she hasn’t got clarity on the basis of what she described in her OP - i think safe to presume, she will be back on the TTC boards (that she was last dominated just 48 hours ago!)

I'm still here and taking time to process what's happened in the last 24 hours. I got in touch with an old friends who's a now a counsellor, I feel like weight has been lifted off my chest, possibly carrying the burden of abusive relationship in secret. She encouraged us to go back to counselling. Husband agreed.

We've decided to pursue counselling as we stopped at 4 sessions 1 year ago due to financial strains. Things got better between us so we didnt return. We both have unresolved childhood traumas that will follow us to the next relationship. We're going to take our counsellors lead on whether we do these together or individually, and whether we separate fkr this, and a timeframe to review progress. This time we have agreed to commit fully and not make money a barrier, we have savings set aside for baby security which we will use if it comes to that.

This may or may not work, and will be hardwork. But baby is out of the equation. We realise a new life does not deserve to be brought into this toxicity. I myself am born to abusive parents and cannot repeat the cycle. The traumas must end with me.

We've already asked for an emergency session which is on Thursday (earliest available) . I have also moved out today to stay with my sister, she is aware of everything and happy to support

Your friend has been highly irresponsible recommending counselling for an abusive relationship. Do not get counselling with your H, but individual counselling could be very helpful.

This is so true. You could make yourself so much more vulnerable to more abuse. Couples counselling is not advised for violent and abusive relationships. If I was you I would also be making a report to the police. Tip of the iceberg.

You told your friend about the hands around the neck

and your friend, a counsellor, suggested the pair of your go back to counselling

Bollox she did. Why? because marriage counsellors do not engage with any relationship which involves domestic violence

oh it’s a load bollox

either the friend being a counsellor
or the op actually telling her what she told us

who are you trying to kid with that fiction op

you’ve moved out? nah you haven’t

I'm glad you have moved out, Christmasmug, but you have not ended your relationship. Do you really believe it can be salvaged? Sometimes it is better to just cut your losses and leave a relationship behind. Yours has been dangerous. It is perhaps time to make a life for yourself on your own while you deal with your 'demons'. I know that isn't easy but you are hardly in a fit state for commitment. Neither is he but he has to deal with his own baggage, separately to you.

Please keep your resolve not to have children. I have taken on board what escapethemaze said a couple of posts back and I believe so should you.

You need individual councilling to help you work through why you are staying in an abusive relationship. It may be routed in your past trauma. Perhaps you have abandonment issues or codependency.

Your friend probably doesn't want to risk being accused of trying to split you up and is hoping a joint councilor will take you asside and tell you you need to leave. But it's so risky as they may not recognise the abuse as many are not trained to.

As others are telling you, it is never recommended to go to therapy in an abusive relationship. It can make things way worse.

Commit to yourself.
Leave him and seek therapy to help yourself recover from past trauma so that you never settle for toxic relationships again.

If your counselor friend knows about your husband strangling you, she is an absolute SHIT counselor. You never, ever try to repair a relationship with a man like your husband.

Counselling with a man who committed DV.

Your friend shouldn’t be counselling anyone.

Why I said before is right. A few session of counselling where I bet no one mentions him having his hands around your throat and you will be back ttc.

That's all positive, OP, but he is still a man who put his hands round your neck because he wanted to shut you up. There's no counselling on the planet which will make that ok. No serious counsellor would advise you to do this.

Don't throw your savings at this dysfunctional relationship. Take your savings, become happy with who you are (without reference to a man or a relationship), do things with friends, and only then think of meeting someone else and having a baby.

Clearly you are both very young, with all these lads staying so many weekends.

Husband should have realised you are married now, and single life is over.

The two of you don't get on very well.

and now the violence has started.

RUN

FAST !

and never ever have sex with him again

as your baby will not have a mother, and the father will be in prison.

Hello my dear, I need to say that having child will even bring more fights that's why it's worth to think with who you want to have baby...

It would be horrendously irresponsible of both of you to bring children into this.

Why are so many women on this site in utterly shite relationships?

Why don't people realise they deserve to be happy?

Is this how you want to spend your life really ??
All that abuse and drama. Arguments twice weekly. Disrespect. Violence.

Too much.

My anxiety started kicking in just reading.

They chose it

Your counsellor friend was irresponsible to suggest a session between the two of you knowing there is DV involved. It's downright dangerous and unethical.

This. Anyone who knows anything about counselling would know that a qualified counsellor would never advise this.

Psychotherapist here.

As PP said, your 'counsellor' friend who advised you both go back to counselling together is WRONG. This is dangerous and completely unethical advice. Relationship counselling will not work where there is abuse involved. Never.

Don't live your life this way. End it.

For the love of God do not bring a child into this mess.

Seek therapy individually for unresolved childhood traumas.

I wish you the best. Don't settle for this.