I called him cu** & he called me bi***

[Soulsta]

Abit of a long post, please bear with me as need to provide context.

Husband and I often have arguments (a couple of times a week), but recover shortly after and move on. He's more stubborn in backing off from arguments and engages in tit for tat. I'm more stubborn in holding onto the bitterness, after the arguments.

One of our re-occurring arguments have been 'his friends' coming to stay on the weekends. I look forward to my weekends after a busy week and just want to chill at home, without any guests. They generally good lads, and I accommodate where I can and feel I'm quite fair with having them stay once or twice every couple of months. Anything more is too much for me.

Last weekend, 2 of his male friends stayed. I accommodated, played the nice wife etc. Today he dropped on me that one of his other friends (who didn't visit last weekend) is going to come stay over this weekend as hes coming to an event late evening and needs to crash Sat night, and that he hasn't caught up with him for some time. My defence went straight up I said "uh no hes not" to which he replied " uh yes we discussed this in the week"? BIG LIE, I know 110% we didnt discuss (which he admitted later in argurment), I got angry over the fact that he tried to gaslight me. Escalated turned into a heated argument, me shouting and crying feeling frustrated over the same bullshit again. I called him c and he called me dumb b*. I started shouting louder, he put his hands around my neck in attempt to make me stop, and then I slapped him. Which instantly made him realise that he was wrong to put his hands around my neck.

We had another fight few weeks ago, where we called each other the above. And it took me days to get over that fight. We both agreed we haven't fought like this in a long time (6months), and made promise to never call each other those things.

We've had counselling in the past not sure if it even helped. I feel like we bring the worst out of each other in heated arguments. Most of the time we are good, love spending time together, watching movies, hobbies etc. But when these heated arguments happen it's like taking bricks out of our marriage foundation. And I have impulsive thoughts to leave, when I feel our values are too different. But then I fear that I'll regret decision. I fell like we love each other, but don't respect one another. If that's even possible?

I just don't know where to go with this. We've been trying for a baby and dr said not to take any stress as my cycles are irregular. I told husband this and he promised no more fights. And now thinking is this what I want my baby to witness?

I feel exhausted and defeated, and confused is this a "normal" real relationship ? Is it ever possible to reverse the toxicity in a marriage, like ours ?

Thank you for spending time to read this.

op I get it. Judging by your posting history you so badly want a child you will stay with him. Please don’t bring a baby into this relationship. Did your previous marriage end because you’re aggressive ?

the next time he hurts you could be your last alive. Please leave and find another man. With your pcos you should get help to conceive but you need therapy and a different partner for that.

The common dinominator is you. Not that you are the argumentative one, but more that you are being with people who have different values to yourself and trying to fit square pegs in round holes.
What's the prerequisite for being with someone? Do you just fall for who shows interest even if incompatible? Did you argue before marriage? If so, why marry.
Lots to think about. It's good you realise a DC would be a bad idea. If you argue a lot about money, can you even afford to have a child anyway?

Please do not bring a child into this relationship

I really don’t think you and your dh are compatible. I’ve been with DH 25 years, we’ve never had any argument where we’ve name called. He’s never put his hands on my neck (or anywhere in an aggressive manner) and I’ve never had to slap his hands away.

Don’t get me wrong, we have disagreements, we drive each other mad at times but what you’re describing is not normal at all.

Do you really want this to be your life?

Op, it's very difficult to see behaviour when you are inside the relationship so please take the time to read some responses.

In summary - Your husband doesn't want a mutually beneficial relationship..he wants what he wants. He is escalating his behaviour because you are trying to have boundaries.When you have good times is probadly because you are not saying No to him (on matters that he views are important)

However when you say No, as in this situation he will first try to manipulate and lie, then you escalate to be heard and through frustration you become a very poor communicator (what you said was not appropriate or healthy).

When you wouldn't acquiesce he chose to escalate and used physical violence to stop you communicating. The police know that choking a partner is a very strong indicator of future serious harm. Please believe this, although I imagine tonight you are still in shock.

If you are not able to leave yet please get yourself knowledgeable on abuse tactics. Your husband may not be consciously aware that he is using abuse tactics BUT he will know he is trying to silence you and make you comply. On some level he probadly justifies it.

It's likely he came from a childhood where one or both parents were controlling so he has learned that power over another person (usually a child or woman) gets you what you want, without having to compromise.

An abusive relationship IS harder to recover from but it is not impossible. Once you know the abuse cycle it helps you make sense of the good times. Please read Lundy and also Patricia Evans. Both books will help you.

You don't deserve this - you are allowed to have quieter weekends in your house. You are allowed to say No.

What utter dysfunction.

as everyone has said. Do not bring a child into this cesspit of a relationship.

This

Yeah, never mind the domestic violence, eh? Just asking about the blokes sleepovers instead? Questions like this tend to get OPs writing out irrelevant replies, instead of focusing on divorcing and doing self work to never go near such a shit man again.

@Soulsta, let me second @Livinghappy's post . What she says is true, I know this from first hand experience. Mine was not violent, but he was an abuser all right. The repeated triumph of my hope over what I was experiencing kept me in far too long. Thank goodness for MN.

He put his hands round your neck...... OP I'm going to ask you seriously what it will take before you see him for the violent abuser that he is....he put his hands round your neck and I dread to think what else this violent thug will do to harm you before you see sense and get yourself out of this marriage and away from him for good. Please listen to us and get away from him before this violent abuser kills you.

Sounds so dreamy - I hope you can make babies together and carry on the joy

WTAF…

We both agreed we haven't fought like this in a long time (6months), and made promise to never call each other those things.

But you did it anyway, and sounds like you were the instigator of the name calling.

You’re both toxic. You will just have to hope that you’re both less toxic if dating other people, else this is just your life….

Men who put their hands around a female partners throat in anger are 6 to 7 times more likely to murder that partner.

To stay with him would be madness.

To have a baby with him would be unthinkably selfish.

I have heard this before but could find the stat.

When anyone says ‘he put his hands around my throat’ it makes me feel sick. Because of that stat.

For love of whatever why are on earth are you trying for a baby with him? Do you have a single parent wish

And no I am not taking the softly approach, seriously

tbh 6 or 7 times more likely to murder their partner sounds like a serious underestimate to me

op won’t be back

but we can sadly be confident she will be back on the TTC boards 😞

Terrifying isn't it? And I agree it's likely an under estimate.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0736467907004143

The purpose of this study was to examine non-fatal strangulation by an intimate partner as a risk factor for major assault, or attempted or completed homicide of women.
A case control design was used to describe non-fatal strangulation among complete homicides and attempted homicides (n = 506) and abused controls (n = 427). Interviews of proxy respondents and survivors of attempted homicides were compared with data from abused controls. Data were derived using the Danger Assessment.

Non-fatal strangulation was reported in 10% of abused controls, 45% of attempted homicides, and 43% of homicides.

Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (odds ratio [OR] 6.70, 95% confidence interval [CI] 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide.

You do realise none fatal strangulation is an imprisonsble crime? This post is beyond awful. I implore you to use iron clad contraception until you both seek professional help for your relationship. xx

There is no way back from strangulation.

So basically she knows it’s fucked up but she doesn’t care because she wants a baby and he’s the convenient penis.

What an utterly appalling situation to bring human life into the world

I think rather than working on the relationship, OP absolutely needs to leave the relationship. It's abusive and she is in danger.

The op has said she is now not going to try to become pregnant with him. Phew!

nope, she doesn’t say that at all

I agree with all. Luckily I've not fallen pregnant this cycle and have decided not to try for a baby until I have clarity about the direction of this marriage.

From OP's second post at 16.42 yesterday.

Not trying for a baby until I have clarity the marriage isn’t not trying for a baby.

Clarity could simply bring him saying he will go for counselling in the new year and ttc commences, whether he actually pursues counselling or not.