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Original poster

I called him cu** & he called me bi***

122 replies

Soulsta · 15/12/2023 16:11

Abit of a long post, please bear with me as need to provide context.

Husband and I often have arguments (a couple of times a week), but recover shortly after and move on. He's more stubborn in backing off from arguments and engages in tit for tat. I'm more stubborn in holding onto the bitterness, after the arguments.

One of our re-occurring arguments have been 'his friends' coming to stay on the weekends. I look forward to my weekends after a busy week and just want to chill at home, without any guests. They generally good lads, and I accommodate where I can and feel I'm quite fair with having them stay once or twice every couple of months. Anything more is too much for me.

Last weekend, 2 of his male friends stayed. I accommodated, played the nice wife etc. Today he dropped on me that one of his other friends (who didn't visit last weekend) is going to come stay over this weekend as hes coming to an event late evening and needs to crash Sat night, and that he hasn't caught up with him for some time. My defence went straight up I said "uh no hes not" to which he replied " uh yes we discussed this in the week"? BIG LIE, I know 110% we didnt discuss (which he admitted later in argurment), I got angry over the fact that he tried to gaslight me. Escalated turned into a heated argument, me shouting and crying feeling frustrated over the same bullshit again. I called him c and he called me dumb b*. I started shouting louder, he put his hands around my neck in attempt to make me stop, and then I slapped him. Which instantly made him realise that he was wrong to put his hands around my neck.

We had another fight few weeks ago, where we called each other the above. And it took me days to get over that fight. We both agreed we haven't fought like this in a long time (6months), and made promise to never call each other those things.

We've had counselling in the past not sure if it even helped. I feel like we bring the worst out of each other in heated arguments. Most of the time we are good, love spending time together, watching movies, hobbies etc. But when these heated arguments happen it's like taking bricks out of our marriage foundation. And I have impulsive thoughts to leave, when I feel our values are too different. But then I fear that I'll regret decision. I fell like we love each other, but don't respect one another. If that's even possible?

I just don't know where to go with this. We've been trying for a baby and dr said not to take any stress as my cycles are irregular. I told husband this and he promised no more fights. And now thinking is this what I want my baby to witness?

I feel exhausted and defeated, and confused is this a "normal" real relationship ? Is it ever possible to reverse the toxicity in a marriage, like ours ?

Thank you for spending time to read this.

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 15/12/2023 17:18

You're both aggressive and volatile towards each other. This is not a relationship to bring an innocent child into.

2jacqi · 15/12/2023 17:18

@Soulsta why do his friends have to always stay at yours?? are there no hotels nearby? and why is it so frequently?? think your hubby's friends and hubby are taking the piss!!

lovinglaughingliving · 15/12/2023 17:19

I don't know why you emboldened what he said to you but not what you said to him. Both as bad as each other.
Who the hell wants to be in a relationship where you argue/fight twice a week?

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2023 17:19

Read the whole post with my mouth wide open and got to the baby part and my jaw damn near dislocated and hit the floor.

Are you actually mad?! No way would I say with someone I was arguing with several times a week. But this is name calling, abuse, gaslighting and physical assault on top of that!

You need yo get the fuck away from eachother perminantly and stay fucking single until you have had some serious therapy. Certainly no kids! With this guy or with anyone until you've sorted yourself out.

Absolutely mad.
Babies aren't an entitlement. You're supposed to be an emotionally healthy, stable person (ideally in a relationship with another emotionally healthy stable person) before even thinking about kids. If you never get there, you don't have children. Because that's not your purpose in life. Your purpose is to sort yourself out first. Then decide on next dreams which may include kids.

Complete stage 1 then consider any next stages.
(Secure relationship with emotionally healthy person, secure job, savings, space and time available ect...then and only then should kids even be a consideration).

This guy could literally kill you. Get out of there.

BodyKeepingScore · 15/12/2023 17:20

lovinglaughingliving · 15/12/2023 17:19

I don't know why you emboldened what he said to you but not what you said to him. Both as bad as each other.
Who the hell wants to be in a relationship where you argue/fight twice a week?

This! Weekly fights over groceries and finances etc are not normal in a healthy happy relationship. Neither is namecalling

Sorchamarie · 15/12/2023 17:21

"He didn’t do that to ‘stop you’, he did it because he was angry and wanted to hurt you and chose to go straight to limiting your air supply. Think about that."

THIS! You seriously need to focus on this OP. I know you really, really don't want to but this is the most important thing you've posted and it is why you must leave. If he'd put his hand on your mouth to try to stop you talking, I'd understand why you accepted that excuse for what he did (not that it would have been ok for him to even do that) but instead he tried to stop you from being able to breathe! Please get away from this man. He's dangerous!

Rachaelrachael · 15/12/2023 17:21

Oh my gosh, PLEASE do not bring a baby into this.
Until you have a baby, you have no idea how much strain it puts on even the most solid relationship.
As other have said, this relationship is toxic, its absolutely not normal, it will never change and you need to split up now.

obladeeobladah · 15/12/2023 17:22

Please please don't have a child with this man.

A child that would have to cower in their room crying whilst their parents screamed at each other. Who knows their parents are only with each other because of them (as otherwise why else would they stay together when they so clearly hate each other?) and the guilt of that will eat them up, and create such anxiety that the pain of self harming will take away the pain they feel when they have to hear that.

I am sorry you had to leave a previous relationship. But you absolutely have to leave this one.

MonsteraMama · 15/12/2023 17:25

You're both B's and C's for even considering bringing a child into this shit show of a "relationship".

Multiple times a week arguing? That's a joke. Don't be so fucking selfish to inflict yourselves upon an innocent child.

QuietBear · 15/12/2023 17:27

It's so scary that you thought this was a relationship that would be a good environment for a child.

It's not, it's not even close to normal. You would be choosing to expose a child to DV, why would you do that?

I've been married for 10 years. I've never screamed/shouted at or called my DH names; nor him me. Let alone the physical abuse! And weekly arguments sound like hell.

There is more to life than this.

Santashelperisonstrike · 15/12/2023 17:27

I know the term ‘red flag’ may feel overused at times.

But putting his hands round your neck is the reddest of red flags.

retinolalcohol · 15/12/2023 17:28

The moment my partner called me a c*nt or a bitch the relationship would be over for me. Complete lack of respect on both sides

It's up to you if you want to stay in the marriage but it's over. Don't have a child and bring them into this horrific environment

1983Louise · 15/12/2023 17:29

You both sound awful, please don't have a baby together.

Doseofreality · 15/12/2023 17:30

Do not bring a baby in to this shit show of a relationship!

CharlottePimpernel · 15/12/2023 17:31

I grew up with parents who fought like that.
It's taken me over 30 years to stop feeling the effects of it and it utterly ruined my chances of a real loving relationship when I was younger.
Don't have a baby with him. Don't.

WtP · 15/12/2023 18:04

SamW98 · 15/12/2023 16:37

Your relationship is as toxic as fuck and you shouldn’t be within a million miles of each other let alone trying to bring a child into this shitshow.

Spot on @SamW98
How you could consider having children in this situation is beyond me!
In 37 years together my late wife and I didn't even have an argument, we might have occasionally disagreed about things but never raised our voices!
Perhaps we were strange I don't know

supersonicginandtonic · 15/12/2023 18:29

DO NOT have a baby together for goodness sake. What you need to do is separate. You are both as bad as each other. Verbally and physically abusive to start with.
You will be exposing your child to a childhood of trauma! Read up on ACEs.
It would be extremely selfish to bring a child into this environment:

Lovelyjubbbly · 15/12/2023 18:33

Why r u even wanting a child together reckless and pathetic

feelingalittlehorse · 15/12/2023 18:37

Spoiler alert: there is no way the OP will break up with this man, and will just blindly carry on and bring some poor child into this absolute mess.

OP. Having a child in this relationship environment is totally selfish and irresponsible. Stay with him if you must, but don’t subject some poor child to this unstable nonsense.

MILTOBE · 15/12/2023 18:39

What kind of environment did you grow up in, that you think trying for a baby with a man who calls you a bitch and tries to strangle you? Why do you think you love a man like that?

Don't you think any future children of yours will deserve a drama-free life with a decent dad?

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 15/12/2023 18:45

Thank the lord you haven't fallen pregnant and leave.
You are both to blame, but did I just read he put his hands around your neck?

NorthCliffs · 15/12/2023 18:45

My husband and I have had two or three arguments in the 14 years we've been together. Not one of us has ever raised a finger to the other. Your relationship is toxic, OP. End it before any innocent children are involved.

DuesToTheDirt · 15/12/2023 18:50

I just don't know where to go with this.

Out of the door. Come on now, read it back to yourself.

DeadButDelicious · 15/12/2023 18:57

He put his hands around your neck. This isn't a case of differing values it's an abusive relationship that is escalating.

You need to get away from this relationship, which I appreciate is easier said than done particularly when there is violence involved. At the very least while you figure out a safe exit plan, start using reliable birth control so you don't bring a baby into this mess.

DeedlessIndeed · 15/12/2023 18:59

PSA: It is not normal to fight multiple times a week with your partner.

If these are the relationships that you've observed growing up or in your social circle, it doesn't mean that it is okay or that you have to settle for it.

Having a partner is supposed to improve your life. Find someone who does that.