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Original poster

I called him cu** & he called me bi***

122 replies

Soulsta · 15/12/2023 16:11

Abit of a long post, please bear with me as need to provide context.

Husband and I often have arguments (a couple of times a week), but recover shortly after and move on. He's more stubborn in backing off from arguments and engages in tit for tat. I'm more stubborn in holding onto the bitterness, after the arguments.

One of our re-occurring arguments have been 'his friends' coming to stay on the weekends. I look forward to my weekends after a busy week and just want to chill at home, without any guests. They generally good lads, and I accommodate where I can and feel I'm quite fair with having them stay once or twice every couple of months. Anything more is too much for me.

Last weekend, 2 of his male friends stayed. I accommodated, played the nice wife etc. Today he dropped on me that one of his other friends (who didn't visit last weekend) is going to come stay over this weekend as hes coming to an event late evening and needs to crash Sat night, and that he hasn't caught up with him for some time. My defence went straight up I said "uh no hes not" to which he replied " uh yes we discussed this in the week"? BIG LIE, I know 110% we didnt discuss (which he admitted later in argurment), I got angry over the fact that he tried to gaslight me. Escalated turned into a heated argument, me shouting and crying feeling frustrated over the same bullshit again. I called him c and he called me dumb b*. I started shouting louder, he put his hands around my neck in attempt to make me stop, and then I slapped him. Which instantly made him realise that he was wrong to put his hands around my neck.

We had another fight few weeks ago, where we called each other the above. And it took me days to get over that fight. We both agreed we haven't fought like this in a long time (6months), and made promise to never call each other those things.

We've had counselling in the past not sure if it even helped. I feel like we bring the worst out of each other in heated arguments. Most of the time we are good, love spending time together, watching movies, hobbies etc. But when these heated arguments happen it's like taking bricks out of our marriage foundation. And I have impulsive thoughts to leave, when I feel our values are too different. But then I fear that I'll regret decision. I fell like we love each other, but don't respect one another. If that's even possible?

I just don't know where to go with this. We've been trying for a baby and dr said not to take any stress as my cycles are irregular. I told husband this and he promised no more fights. And now thinking is this what I want my baby to witness?

I feel exhausted and defeated, and confused is this a "normal" real relationship ? Is it ever possible to reverse the toxicity in a marriage, like ours ?

Thank you for spending time to read this.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 15/12/2023 16:38

It’s a pity social services can’t get involved before you actually conceive.

millymog11 · 15/12/2023 16:38

" I started shouting louder, he put his hands around my neck in attempt to make me stop, and then I slapped him"

"We've been trying for a baby and dr said not to take any stress as my cycles are irregular. I told husband this and he promised no more fights"

Just read the above back to yourself a few times OP.

Do not I repeat do not have a baby with this man. Your body is telling you not to already (irregular cycle) but if there is any chance you want to soldier on regardless of the violence and acrimony, just don't.

Peachy2005 · 15/12/2023 16:42

Absolutely not normal in a relationship and it’s only getting worse.

Stop TTC and start the process of splitting up asap.

therealcookiemonster · 15/12/2023 16:42

you need to leave. immediately. all thoughts of TTC with this toxic individual needs to be erased from your mind. to be frank I think you may need to work on yourself, heal from this relationship and have some counselling before you attempt any further relationships, let alone TTC.

Original poster
Soulsta · 15/12/2023 16:42

I agree with all. Luckily I've not fallen pregnant this cycle and have decided not to try for a baby until I have clarity about the direction of this marriage. As I realise this is the advise I'd be giving to anyone here who wouldve posted the above.

By weekly arguments I mean more disagreements overgroceries, bills, finances etc which last a couple of mins and you get on with life. Not minimising the rest though

I've gone through a break up before (I walked away due to same issues values too different) and it was the most hardest thing ever. My whole life 2 years after that was consumed by hurt, regret, disappointment, all of it. I was a disaster. Took a few years worked on myself before going back into a relationship (my now husband) and here I am again.

OP posts:
Sunflower1978 · 15/12/2023 16:43

Having children puts a strain on the best of relationships. This will only get worse.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Illpickthatup · 15/12/2023 16:46

Is this normal? Of course it's fucking not. Me and my DH have an argument maybe twice a year and would never dream of lifting our hands to each other or calling each other names.

therealcookiemonster · 15/12/2023 16:49

Soulsta · 15/12/2023 16:42

I agree with all. Luckily I've not fallen pregnant this cycle and have decided not to try for a baby until I have clarity about the direction of this marriage. As I realise this is the advise I'd be giving to anyone here who wouldve posted the above.

By weekly arguments I mean more disagreements overgroceries, bills, finances etc which last a couple of mins and you get on with life. Not minimising the rest though

I've gone through a break up before (I walked away due to same issues values too different) and it was the most hardest thing ever. My whole life 2 years after that was consumed by hurt, regret, disappointment, all of it. I was a disaster. Took a few years worked on myself before going back into a relationship (my now husband) and here I am again.

Edited

I don't think you are appreciating the seriousness of this. the majority opinion so far on this thread is that you shouldn't TTC or be with this man at all. he is violent. he could kill you. you need to get out.

you also need to deal with your own issues and you can only do that properly when you are single.

these kind of arguments are not just abnormal, they are a massive red flag that your relationship is toxic.

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 16:50

i suspect next cycle you will brush under carpet and give TTC another shot

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 16:51

did you grow up with warring parents OP and think that this kind of behaviour is to be expected from your parents?

Frasers · 15/12/2023 16:53

This Is a deeply abusive relationship . From both sides. It’s not a competition to dee who is worse. Yes it’s worse him putting his hands round your neck to you calling him a cunt, but it’s toxic on both sides.

you noth need to end it. This is no way to live.

Tempnamechng · 15/12/2023 16:54

From your update you need to walk away again. You aren't in a good place and you certainly aren't in a good relationship. Be single and have individual counselling. For context I can count on one hand the number of times my dh of 25 years and I have been anything like raised voices at each other. We disagree, discuss, occasionally low level sulk, but never shout, slap, strangle or name call. By bringing a baby into this you would be teaching them how to behave in a relationship. I know you said you will see how the relationship goes, but imagine the arguments you have now with the addition of sleep deprivation.

millymog11 · 15/12/2023 16:55

"I've gone through a break up before (I walked away due to same issues values too different) and it was the most hardest thing ever. "

OP I have great sympathy for the above sentiment and of course splitting up with someone you love and who loves you is brutal. I feel for you.

But in case you are in any doubt whatsoever, splitting up with someone you love and who loves you, or even someone who clearly does not love you and you only just realised just how much they don't love you after you have a newborn baby to look after is a whole other level of pain, torture and agony for you, the baby and all involved especially if there is domestic violence.

LifeExperience · 15/12/2023 16:56

Do not bring a baby into this horrible relationship!

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 16:59

Sounds like a man child , why does he have to have friends over every weekend to stay?
I'm sorry but he needs to grow up . And I definitely would rethink trying for a baby , as lovely as it is it's exhausting without throwing in his mates being there and your husband acting the way he is .

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 17:01

Luckily I've not fallen pregnant this cycle and have decided not to try for a baby until I have clarity about the direction of this marriage.

If your husband putting his hands around your neck in anger isn't enough to bring you clarity, nothing fucking will. There should not be a single hesitation in your mind that you need to end this toxic disaster of a marriage.

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 17:04

I didn't see that part re him grabbing her round the neck .?
If that's the case you really need to get out of this relationship, now .

Christmasmug · 15/12/2023 17:05

By weekly arguments I mean more disagreements overgroceries, bills, finances etc which last a couple of mins and you get on with life. Does this not sound familiar?

Not familiar and not normal/healthy tbh OP, and that's before we even touch on him putting his hands around your neck. I won't say me and my DH never disagree but there's never cross words over the stuff you mention, just a conversation where we hear each other out and reach a compromise usually. If you're having weekly arguments, however short, and they're becoming violent I think your perception of what's 'normal' has become skewed and you're effectively the boiling frog, not realising how bad things have got because it's happened gradually.

I'm glad you're going to stop TTC, a man who puts his hands around your neck is not the man you want as the father of your children. And please listen to PP's, you are 10 times more likely to die at the hands of a partner who has previously strangled you.

Fiftyvines · 15/12/2023 17:07

SamW98 · 15/12/2023 16:37

Your relationship is as toxic as fuck and you shouldn’t be within a million miles of each other let alone trying to bring a child into this shitshow.

This, 100 times over!

spidermonkeys · 15/12/2023 17:08

Do not bring a child into a situation with 2 parents who are abusive to each other. No child deserves that.

LBFseBrom · 15/12/2023 17:10

You are obviously a foul-mouthed, incompatible pair. Please do not try for a baby, it would be terrible for a child to grow up in such an atmosphere.

Of course he should not be asking friends to stay willy nilly, without running it by you first but if you had a child, would you keep open house and welcoming to your child's friends? That is worth a thought or two before you start a family (hopefully not with this man).

Part company, the sooner the better because the longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be. You will both be better people for not being together.

pponk · 15/12/2023 17:11

if he will put his hands around your neck to shut u up, what do u think he will do to a screaming child

SlashBeef · 15/12/2023 17:11

This is an abusive relationship on both sides. You would be insane and quite cruel to bring a baby into it so I hope you stick to your decision not to.
Honestly I would separate so you're both safe and get therapy individually. Then see if you can be together in a healthy way.

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 17:13

this is what’s going to happen

the Op won’t end the marriage. She wants that baby.

She will fall pregnant

And so will begin multiple threads about the shit show (and sadly more beyond the first) that will be these children’s childhood with the Op and her DH as parents

It is a tragedy but repeated over and over again

atthecoreofallyoudo · 15/12/2023 17:15

Do not have a baby with this man

If he can put his hands round your throat, he can do it to a baby who won't stop crying, or an annoyingly mouthy teenager.

It is not normal to be in a relationship which involves verbally abusing one another, either. You would both be better off well apart.

You also need to work on your responses before you have a baby. You can't go round telling your child they are a cunt when they're annoying you (which they are bound to do at some point).

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