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Original poster

Partner but lunch in the bin

126 replies

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:51

Looking for honest opinions on this situation. We have a 3 month old. Partner has been taking the lead on food shopping and cooking as I am tied to the boob monster. I commented I was hungry and he went to prepare lunch. I had fruit drying in the oven and he turned the temp up to cook lunch so my fruit burnt. I was annoyed and bit stompy I’ll admit. I went outside to calm myself down. I heard baby crying (he’d not gone to her so I went in and asked why he left her crying) so I went to her. He said ‘there’s no lunch now, it’s in the bin’. You’re always in a bad mood, I’m walking on egg shells.’ There was no other food in the house… I told him that his behaviour cruel and childish as I’m breastfeeding. He said I ‘had a go at him the last two nights and he’s sick of my bad moods’. Last night I told him ‘I was hoping you were going to feed the baby’ (in a calm conversational voice) because I was knackered and have to express when she has her nightly bottle (which takes a while). He then walked out the room and slept on the sofa. I’m not sure what I ‘had a go at him about’ the night before. He’s stormed off into another room. I’ll admit I shouted up to him that he was cruel and can’t manage his emotions and that he won’t allow me to have emotions and that I’m allowed to get angry sometimes (he gets angry a LOT but I genuinely feel like I’m not allowed to be angry). I like to reflect on my actions/ reactions but sometimes struggle to see if I’m in the wrong or unfairly thinking badly of him…

OP posts:
bumtrumpet · 15/12/2023 14:53

To me, unless there's some backstory about how you are both like this usually, it sounds as though you're both tired with a newborn. Are things okay usually?

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:54

Also, I’ve genuinely not been in a bad mood recently; so am confused why he is saying this

OP posts:
PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 14:54

He can't manage his emotions, but you're entitled to yours? Sounds like six of one and half-a-dozen of the other.

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:56

Things between us have been very difficult since she was born. I was in hospital for a long time and during that time he became and alcoholic (he’s pretty much stopped now though). When I was in hospital he was pretty horrible to me most times he visited (arguing, storming out in a bad mood leaving me crying). But I now know that was alcohol fuelled. But I’m struggling to get over it and do feel differently about him

OP posts:
bumtrumpet · 15/12/2023 14:57

If there's no backstory then I think you're the one in the wrong OP. You're stomping and shouting and demanding he brings you food. You're accusing him of being unreasonable, but you're being unreasonable too. No he shouldn't have put your food in the bin but it sounds like you're at fault too

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:59

May have written it wrong, most definitely wasn’t demanding food. Appreciate your comment!

OP posts:
oneflewoverthe · 15/12/2023 14:59

You both sound at fault but I can see why he's upset and annoyed if you're shouty, stompy and demanding food. No one's perfect and I can imagine you're both tired.

bumtrumpet · 15/12/2023 14:59

Cross posted with your reply. So there is more to this then

SallyWD · 15/12/2023 15:01

I think this kind of bickering and irritation is entirely normal when you have a newborn.

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:01

Oh god I did write it wrong - defo wasn’t demanding food 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 15/12/2023 15:02

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:54

Also, I’ve genuinely not been in a bad mood recently; so am confused why he is saying this

But you admit to getting so angry at the burned fruit that you had to walk out.

HandyLittleGadget · 15/12/2023 15:06

"the boob monster" What a strange and childish thing to call your baby.

Drying fruit in the oven?? Eh? No other food in the house? He supposedly does the food shopping, you say? Don't either of you look in the cupboards, 'fridge and freezer to see what you need, then write a list and get the stuff? What do you both eat??

Cheeesus · 15/12/2023 15:06

It just sounds like an awful mess. He’s ‘mostly’ over being an alcoholic. You’re having a cooked lunch, you have no other food in the house? It all just sounds awful.
Yes he shouldn’t have put your lunch in the bin.

If there is no other food in the house, is he not managing the food shopping? There’s not any bread/cheese/tin of soup?

andIsaid · 15/12/2023 15:06

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:51

Looking for honest opinions on this situation. We have a 3 month old. Partner has been taking the lead on food shopping and cooking as I am tied to the boob monster. I commented I was hungry and he went to prepare lunch. I had fruit drying in the oven and he turned the temp up to cook lunch so my fruit burnt. I was annoyed and bit stompy I’ll admit. I went outside to calm myself down. I heard baby crying (he’d not gone to her so I went in and asked why he left her crying) so I went to her. He said ‘there’s no lunch now, it’s in the bin’. You’re always in a bad mood, I’m walking on egg shells.’ There was no other food in the house… I told him that his behaviour cruel and childish as I’m breastfeeding. He said I ‘had a go at him the last two nights and he’s sick of my bad moods’. Last night I told him ‘I was hoping you were going to feed the baby’ (in a calm conversational voice) because I was knackered and have to express when she has her nightly bottle (which takes a while). He then walked out the room and slept on the sofa. I’m not sure what I ‘had a go at him about’ the night before. He’s stormed off into another room. I’ll admit I shouted up to him that he was cruel and can’t manage his emotions and that he won’t allow me to have emotions and that I’m allowed to get angry sometimes (he gets angry a LOT but I genuinely feel like I’m not allowed to be angry). I like to reflect on my actions/ reactions but sometimes struggle to see if I’m in the wrong or unfairly thinking badly of him…

In my opinion we really let new parents down.

Pre birth the health of the baby is front and center, rightly so, with the focus on mother getting proper rest, excercise and nutrition.

After birth the focus is on baby, rightly so, getting established and bonded etc.

But in that time the parents can get crushed. You and your partner should have been made aware that, around this time, hormones are realigning (for him and you), the baby bubble is starting to break a little as the "grind" kicks in (fatigue).

This is the moment to let everything go. You may have been moody - accept that. Maybe apologise - it could mean a lot to him. Don't expect too much fright now- either from him or yourself.

Suggest the same to your partner.

The next few months will be hard but you can expect to turn a corner in about three months.

ActDottie · 15/12/2023 15:06

Tbh you both seem as bad as eachother. You have a new born it’s going to be stressful and you’ll get on eachother’s nerves etc.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:09

Have you actually sat down and discussed who is going to be doing what, and when? Did you know he was cooking, and mention that you had something in the oven already? Or was he just meant to know?

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:10

It’s a general term people use. I write a list, he doesn’t really look at it. I don’t have time to shop (I’ve tried with baby but don’t think it’s fair on her). The fruit was for wreath decorations 😂

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 15/12/2023 15:11

I can see why you were cross about the fruit-but it does sound as if you over reacted. I'm also puzzled by "no other food in the house." Really? Not even a random tin of soup? Bread?

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:12

I found a packet of rice to eat 😂 He chooses to get stuff as we need it rather than stocking up. He insists on doing the food shopping at the moment

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:12

I think it's key whether or not you told him you had fruit drying in the oven.

If you did, and he deliberately ruined it, then you were right to be angry.

If you didn't, and he didn't realise, you had no right to be angry.

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:14

Thank you. TBH there is a lot of difficult history where he has been very nasty to me, but I was trying not to let it mar people’s opinion of this situation

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:15

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:12

I think it's key whether or not you told him you had fruit drying in the oven.

If you did, and he deliberately ruined it, then you were right to be angry.

If you didn't, and he didn't realise, you had no right to be angry.

Nobody has or doesn't have 'a right' to their feelings. If you feel something, that's it, you feel it. It's like saying if you shouted at someone, you don't have the right for it to be sunny. Feelings are like the weather. We have to do things and spend time with people in a way that causes us to have nice feelings, and avoid things and people that cause us bad feelings. It's really unhealthy to try to mould your feelings into what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel, according to some unspecified system of 'rights'.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:16

It's a VERY bizarre way to live in a house with no food! Especially with a baby.

But also I don't really get how. No cereal that you're half way through, nothing in a freezer, no half way through bag of pasta.

Most packets of stuff aren't one use only - I'm thinking bacon, cheese, biscuits, crikey anything. I can't imagine having nothing. Unless it's because you can only afford food for one day, but then I feel you would have mentioned it.

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:16

He knew it was there

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2023 15:17

He threw your food in the bin. Correct? In doing that he’s depriving you and therefore your baby. I understand you’re both tired and on edge. As for you not going shopping as it’s not fair on your baby, what do you think most people do?